Caution: Spoilers ahead.
It’s a new day on Bachelor in Paradise, but that doesn’t mean the spell Shushanna cast is over. “So, are you a good witch or a bad witch?” Wells asks Shu first thing in the morning. “I’m a good witch,” she replies. All kidding aside, Shu thinks she just has “the look” of a witch, so that’s how the rumor spread. Even if that’s true, Shu, I don’t think burning Kamil’s photo in the fire helped.
In other news, Jordan and Jenna go on a date where they take “engagement photos.” Their purple-haired photographer seems nice enough, but I suspect he has some sort of vendetta against the double Js because the “final” photos we see on screen are so, so awkward. Jenna’s eyes are half-closed in one, Jordan makes a weird face in another…they’re all outtakes, basically. What did they do to piss him off? It must be bad because before shoot ends, he springs a surprise on Jenna: a wedding dress to wear in the last pics. Jenna isn’t into this—not because of the dress or the lame premise. No, she’s uncomfortable because her feelings for Jordan are real, and she wants to know if he feels the same way. When she confesses this to Jordan, he says all the right things and then they jump into the ocean. After all that, did the photographer even take any wedding dress pics? Unclear.
Anyway, they return to the villa from their date and a new arrival shows up soon after: Robby, who is met with crickets. The guys don’t want a new person competing for a rose, and the women don’t want a sentient Kewpie doll in their presence. Also, as Cassandra says, “Why is Robby Hayes here? Every single girl here knows his reputation; it’s not a good one.”
Everyone gossips about how he cheated on Amanda Stanton after last season of Bachelor in Paradise, but when Robby asks Shushanna out she says yes.
“I feel like Shushanna’s moved on from Kamil. She burned his photo in the fire.” – I forgot to write down who said this, but it’s gold nonetheless.
Shushanna knows people have “negative thoughts” about Robby—or, as Astrid puts it, “You can’t turn a fuckboy into a husband”—but she doesn’t “want to hear about it.” On their date, Shu tells Robby that everyone thinks she’s a witch. He brushes it off and jokes, “Put a spell on me hahaha,” and this is enough to win her over.
Back at the villa, Joe tries to have a serious conversation with Kendall about whether or not they’re on track to getting engaged. She avoids the conversation and ducks out before giving him a real answer. And the next day, she totally avoids him.
That night, ahead of the rose ceremony, there are three main dramas at play. First, there’s the love triangle between Olivia, Diggy, and John. Diggy pulled some strings (read: producers) to get the trumpeter from their first date to come perform for them. However, John steals her away in the middle of it to show her a sunflower field he (producers) made.
Cue an incredibly sad but hilarious montage of Diggy sitting alone with the trumpet player. And it turns out it was even worse than it looks:
The second drama of the night is the most short-lived: Olivia and Cassandra feel it’s their duty as Shu’s friends to warn her about Robby. They tell her he’s a serial cheater and his intentions here questionable, but Shu’s like, “I’m just not sure!” When she asks Robby directly if he’s ever cheated he just says, “Yes.” Somehow, Shu doesn’t seem bothered by this.
“I have been 100 percent honest…since I’ve been here.” -Robby
The main drama of the night is between Kendall and Joe. He’s upset that she’s avoiding a serious talk, but when they finally sit down Kendall admits she doesn’t know if she’s in love with him. Joe’s frustrated; he’s been falling for her this whole time, but it’s hard to express that when she’s said repeatedly she’s afraid of commitment because her past boyfriends “suffocated” her. Kendall thought they were on the same page, but Joe says that was her projecting. They break up and leave paradise in tears.
Their departure throws everyone off, but the rose ceremony must go on. The couples are: Cassandra and Jordan, Shushanna and Robby, Annaliese and Kamil, Astrid and Kevin, Krystal and Chris, Jenna and Jordan, and Olivia and John. This means Diggy is leaving paradise, but there’s always his trumpet player! Literally, the trumpet player is sitting in the back of the van with Diggy.
The next morning, Kevin spends an hour talking about the eight-egg omelet he ordered. You know Astrid loves him because she listens to the whole thing and says “Wow!” without any hint of sarcasm. But before he gets a chance to eat it, Chris Harrison shows up to reveal that nobody new will be entering paradise. Instead, the remaining couples have a few options: leave hand in hand, stay and go to the fantasy suite (and probably head toward an engagement), or say goodbye now.
With that, things start getting real. John tells Olivia that he likes her, but he doesn’t think they’re ready for the fantasy suite and all that comes with it yet. She agrees, and they decide to leave but continue “hanging out.” Cassandra and Jordan split, and it’s as awkward as their entire relationship. Robby breaks up with Shushanna by saying, “If I’m in Utah, we can grab dinner or something.”
Annaliese right away is like, “We should DEFINITELY do the fantasy suite!” Kamil, who seconds earlier was on the verge of breaking up with her, backtracks and says he’s in. Chris and Krystal, and Jenna and Jordan, also decide they’re ready for their individual fantasy suites.
The big surprise comes when Kevin and Astrid talk. He’s freaking out because the last two times he’s done the fantasy suite have been a disaster. (Kevin, why are you still signing up for this franchise? You know you can say no, right?) “There’s something missing with me,” he says through tears. “It’s like I’m at 80%.” It’s clear this is all about him and nothing to do with her—but it’s still hard on Astrid. She feels blindsided because, to her, she gave him so many opportunities to be open about how he was feeling. It’s a hard breakup to watch—probably because it’s one of the most realistic ones to happen on this show. Ultimately, they both leave alone.
As for the fantasy suites, they’re pretty uneventful unless you’ve been dying to watch Krystal rub a feather over Chris’ bare chest. (And if so, may I suggest therapy?) So with that, I’ll see you tomorrow for the season finale. Almost there!
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