Greetings, Bachelor fans. Your regular recapper, Anna, wasn’t available to dish on tonight’s episode, so I’m filling in for her. I can’t guarantee I’ll be as funny, but she and I do share similar “meh” feelings for Arie, so rest assured I’m bringing the shade. Let’s dive right in.
The whole crew is in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida which, according to Arie, is “an amazing place to fall in love.” He’s saying this while driving some lame sports car, though, so forgive me if I don’t believe him. Kendall, the taxidermist, wants a one-on-one, but I’m fairly confident she’d have more fun dating one of her stuffed bears than Arie. Tia also wants a one-on-one, but the more these girls talk about Arie the more apparent it is they’re all too good for him. Krystal’s wearing a rainbow crop top and looks like a member of B*Witched.
It’s Chelsea, though, who has the first one-on-one. They go on a boat, which is the most Florida date I can imagine. (No shade to you, Florida—boats are a welcome break from all the cars.)
“I’m going to be with Arie. Uninterrupted Arie time. It’s amazing.” — Chelsea, lying.
Lauren B’s annoyed she wasn’t picked for the one-on-one date, but her complaining is interrupted by Queen Maquel, who’s just returned from her grandfather’s funeral. All the other women can somehow see Chelsea and Arie on their date through a telescope, so they’re basically scientists.
Chelsea and Arie are doing lots of Fun Boat Things, like jet-skiing and posing like they’re on the Titanic and straddling each other. Oh, and making out. A lot. The telescope spies are grossed out, as am I. As is America. They stop creeping and go inside, probably to complain more about not getting one-on-ones. (Don’t these women realize the best part of this gig is getting to hang out in a luxury resort without Arie?!)
“I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dream boat.” — Chelsea, repeating words that a producer no-doubt fed her.
Chelsea wears a pantsuit on her dinner date with Arie, which is groundbreaking feminism for this show. He takes her to an antique car shop. (So typical.) He says some empty, vacant stuff about respecting the fact Chelsea’s taking time away from her son to be there.
Chelsea then starts opening up about her previous relationship. Her child’s father was older and had money—but he left Chelsea for another woman when she was six months pregnant. She talks about how much she loves her son, and it’s honestly touching. Then, she laments about how she didn’t need to be on a fancy boat to enjoy time with Arie, which we all know is a big ‘ole lie. Their date did the magic, though, because Chelsea’s offered a rose. Cue dancing to a random country artist no one’s ever heard of. (Update: Said country singer’s name is Tenille Arts.)
Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren B. are picked for the next group date, which means Tia (a.k.a Raven reincarnated) is getting the one-on-one. I low-key stan Tia; I hope she gets some serious spon-con coins after this show wraps.
The group date is at a bowling alley, which would be cute if this wasn’t The Bachelor. Like, these women deserve a way more opulent excursion if they’re hanging with Arie. Maybe I’d be down with this date if Hot Peter was the suitor. Marikh bowls using both hands, which I identify with on a spiritual level.
All the gals start drinking beer and dancing around the alley. They’re divided into two teams for a bowling competition, and only the winning group gets to go to the after party. Krystal literally prays that her team wins because of course she does.
After a montage of bowling scenes, Krystal’s team wins and she’s an annoying sore champion about it. The girls on the losing team are more pissed about Krystal winning than actually losing. Naturally, they start talking crap about her.
But plot twist: Arie decides to invite all the women to the after party, which enrages Krystal because she doesn’t want to “fight for his attention.” She refuses to carry her team’s winning trophy because of this, which is all kinds of petty but also pretty iconic. She’s literally having a fit over BOWLING.
“We’re, um, kicking ass.” — Krystal being Krystal.
After the commercial break, we learn Krystal apparently had a full-on meltdown on the bus from the bowling alley to the hotel, during which she repeatedly called Arie a liar for changing his mind about inviting the losing team to the after party. She says she’s not going to the after party now because he was “disrespectful” to the winning team. Y’all, she literally has her bags packed over this nonsense, but thank God, Kendall (goddess of taxidermy) calls her out for being rude about Arie. This. Is. Nuts.
The girls go to the after party—without Krystal. They waste no time spilling all the tea to Arie, telling him how Krystal called him a liar on the bus. He then leaves to go talk to Krystal, which obviously pisses the girls off. They keep talking shit.
“I’m looking for a parternship. I’m looking for someone who I trust…I want someone to include me in decisions.” — Krystal, on bowling-gate.
Arie and Krystal have a long, awkward hug before she starts talking about how she and her teammates were “disrespected.” They have a super-heated disagreement about the whole bowling thing, and I can’t really follow their conversation because I can’t believe this is even a problem. Like, this is over a bowling game. Arie ultimately leaves Krystal in her hotel and goes back to other women.
Kendall steals Arie first and starts talking about how she wants to “let go.” They start making out within one minute, which is typical Arie. Bekah M. and Arie have an empty conversation about “fears” and “doubts” and being “vulnerable” that also ends with them making out. Arie’s still unsure about Bekah M.’s age, but I’m unsure about Arie’s hair, which is more of a pressing concern.
Arie tells Becca K. that she needs to “kiss the hell out of him,” which sounds more gross than romantic. But honestly, who cares about their dull storyline because Krystal goes rogue and attends the after party as all the other girls are talking smack about her. Ahhh! Bekah M. is shook (and so am I even though this is so heavily produced)!
It’s dead silence when Krystal arrives. Becca K rolls her eyes. Seinne’s like, “WTF are you still doing here?” Lauren B.’s like, “What are your intentions?” Bekah M. has no time for this, though, and lays into Krystal about how she’s doing exactly what Arie did by saying she’s not attending the party and then going back on her word. This causes Krystal to leave before even seeing Arie, so she totally just did this to stir the pot.
Lauren B. tells Arie during their one-on-one time that she’s afraid she’s going to fall for him and he won’t reciprocate. It’s cute. I’m honestly amazed how good these women are at pretending to like him. They kiss. He gives Lauren B. the group date rose. Becca K.’s pissed.
Now, onto Tia’s one-on-one. They’re at the Everglades National Park, which I’m sure is nice, but I can’t stop thinking about all the alligators probably lurking around.
Update: They see an alligator, and it starts hissing at Arie and Tia, which is proof you should never go outside ever. Arie says this reminds him that “love can be kind of scary,” which I’m audibly laughing at. Dude, there was an alligator five feet from you!
They roll up at a house in the middle of the Everglades, eat fried food, and talk about “frogging.” This is all very tailored to the fact Tia is from Arkansas, and I don’t know if that’s offensive or not. They kiss and cuddle; Arie makes a weird metaphor about his race car driving helmet that I’m just going to blaze past.
“”I feel like this is a really country date for a country girl.” — Arie, being cringe-y.
On their dinner date, Arie and Tia have typical, standard conversation about marriage and falling in love. Arie’s sweating his butt off, and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt bad for him. The conversation then changes to religion, and Tia says she’s open to dating someone who’s not religious even though she is. Honestly, I can’t stop looking at the sweat shine on Arie’s forehead. Florida, man.
But wait! Tia then tells Arie she’s falling in love with him, and he tells her to “look him in the eyes” and say it to him again. WTF?! He’s the worst! He offers her a rose, and she takes it. And then they have a sweaty Florida make-out session. Humidity! It’s sexy!
Cut to the final cocktail hour: Krystal says she has “no regrets” about her actions, and none of the girls respond. They just give her a stank face. I’m honestly cackling because this is just so bananas. I’m more invested in Kendall’s time with Arie, though, because she low-key admits to being open to cannibalism. What an icon.
“I wouldn’t eat you. I swear!” — Kendall to Arie.
Ugh, all these girls just keep. Talking. About. Krystal. This is just dumb and ridiculous, but Krystal adds fuel to the fire by saying she’d “love” to chat with them privately about their issues with her. Kendall goes up to bat first and straight-up says that Arie isn’t the right person for Krystal. Tia then joins in and says Krystal needs to take ownership of her actions. This is just so much bickering…it’s not even funny or entertaining at this point.
Arie and Jacqueline have a quick makeout session, but we quickly pan to Bekah M., who asks Krystal, point-blank, why she’s still there. Krystal brings up the bowling drama again, and Bekah M. dips out at that point because she realizes there’s no hope in reaching a resolution. Krystal then says the other girls don’t “operate” on her level and claims she’s “done” with them.
Krystal then pulls Arie aside and says her response to the bowling drama was “out of character.” She says she “grew up in a bowling alley” (???) and was having flashbacks to her childhood during that date. LOL, what is she even saying?! She jokes about how this is their “first fight,” and Arie quips that it could be their “last.” Oof. This is the first time Arie’s doofy smile was nowhere to be found in a scene, so you know things are capital-S Serious.
“I lost my shit! I was pissed! Who doesn’t get mad and say shit?” — Krystal.
All the women’s voiceovers during the final rose ceremony are about Krystal. They all want her to go home, which is solid evidence she’s not.
Yup, I’m right: Krystal gets the last rose of the night, and Marikh, Ashley, and Maquel are sent home. The fact Maquel is getting penalized for her grandfather dying is some next-level nonsense. Everyone’s seething, but Krystal’s smiling like a Disney villain. Muhaha!
“If the girls thought I was a threat before; watch out ladies! ” — Krystal.
Parting thoughts: Everyone’s going to Paris next week, so you know what that means: More smack-talk about Krystal! In Europe!
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