These two have certainly cast a shadow over the season—you’re not going to root for the guy who was found guilty of indecent assault and battery for groping and assaulting a woman—and it calls into question the past of all the men. But that’s a larger, on-going story. Tonight, my role is to simply recap, for better or worse, what happened in this episode. So, let’s go.
We open with the cocktail party from last week. To recap, Clay had to leave because of an injury, David is still in the hospital after he fell from the top of a bunk bed, and Jordan’s being Jordan.
Blake takes Becca aside and leads her to the guys’ dark bedroom, where they sit under what I hope is not the same bed David fell off of. What do we think that room smells like? A potent mixture of farts, sweaty socks, and Jean Blanc’s cologne collection? So romantic. Instead of backing out of the room slowly, like I would do, Becca stays and even talks potential baby names—Stevie or Charlie for a girl—with Blake.
Downstairs, the guys discuss David’s injury. They’re all bummed he’s hurt—well, everyone except Jordan, who is glad to have a break from David. Apparently people who go against Jordan just get hurt sometimes, so that’s a fun fact. Then, as if his ego wasn’t already riding an all-time high, Becca gifts Jordan with a pair of golden underwear that she says made her think of him.
“I can’t wait to brush my teeth in these,” – Jordan, about his “golden boy” underpants
Right on cue, David walks through the door. He’s got a broken nose and a black eye, but he’s here to see Becca. Jordan, of course, reacts to this by insulting David’s busted-up face with lines like, “He probably thought he could save some face but little does he know he has no face to save.” The joke’s on Jordan, though, because Becca gives David a rose so he can skip the rose ceremony and catch up on sleep.
“All I know is I’m Captain Underpants and…uh, that’s all I got. That’s all I got.” – Great comeback, Jordan
At the rose ceremony, Nick is inexplicably in a tracksuit and still gets a rose. So do Jason, Wills, Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc. That’s goodbye to Ryan and Mike. They didn’t get much screen time, but I will miss seeing Mike’s man bun around the mansion.
After the guys say their goodbyes, Becca tells the remaining crew they’ll be heading to Park City, Utah. Once there, Garrett gets the first one-on-done—whoops, that was a slip, one-on-one—date. One thing they don’t talk about: his views on immigration, gun control, and feminism. Nope, instead, they walk around shopping, taking selfies, and talking about some town in Minnesota that looks like Park City.
Speaking of guys who are canceled, Lincoln reveals to the others that he really, truly thinks the world is flat.
Back to Becca and Garrett’s date: They’re going bobsledding and meet with two badass Olympians, Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock, to learn the ropes. Valerie and Shauna share a beautiful story about how they were teammates, which then became a friendship, which then became a romance. Now, they’re in love, married, and have two children together. It’s such a lovely moment, tampered by the fact that I simply cannot buy Garrett as a romantic interest when his social media history is looming over everything.
Later, over dinner, Becca asks Garrett about his past relationships, and he reveals that he got divorced after two months of marriage. Garrett claims his ex-wife was emotionally abusive and drove a wedge between him and his family and friends. It’s been two years since the divorce, and now he wants a partner who is 50/50. I don’t know that I trust that he really does—again, social media—but Becca gives him a rose. They close out the night with our first concert of the season: Granger Smith.
The next day, Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc are on a group date. The theme? “Lumberjacking.” According to Becca, she grew up watching it at the state fair and has had a thing for sexy lumberjacks ever since. I appreciate The Bachelorette producers planning an entire date around Becca’s dream role play scenario, so I’m here for this.
The guys are game for the challenge, though some—cough, Colton, cough—are extra petty about teasing the guys who “look like they’ve never picked up an axe in their life.” Is that really a thing? Are people just running around picking up axes all the time? Anyway, the dudes get to show off by splitting logs of wood, lifting large logs, and tossing axes at a target. The day closes with an obstacle course, during which we learn that Blake lives in the woods and eats bug? Would like to learn more about that, please.
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That night, at the after party, Jordan shows off the golden underpants that Becca got him. Colton feels this is disrespectful, so he pulls Jordan aside to fight about it. But that’s not the most dramatic moment of the night. No, that comes when Jean Blanc gives Becca a gift—a custom perfume titled “Miss Becca Blanc”—and a kiss, which she wasn’t feeling. He tells her he’s falling in love with her, to which Becca admits she doesn’t feel the same way, so maybe it’s only fair if he leaves. The conversation is awkward, to say the least, but it gets even worse: As they’re walking out, Jean Blanc is basically like, “Oh, I’m not falling in love with you; I just thought that’s what you wanted to hear at this stage.”
Uh, nope. This obviously solidifies Becca’s decision to send him home, and she tells the rest of the guys what happened after he leaves. She’s too upset to continue the party and, on top of that, she’s not giving out a rose.
That puts even more pressure on Wills, who has a one-on-one date the next day. Becca’s still bummed about the Jean Blanc thing, but it seems a snowmobile ride and a cuddle by a fire with Wills is the cure. By the end of the day, they’re goofing off and throwing snowballs at each other.
That night, Wills opens up about a past relationship. He says he talked about getting married and having kids with his ex, but trouble started when she asked for a “hall pass.” Wills wasn’t down to make their relationship open, and then he saw her with another guy—at a place where they often celebrated their anniversaries, no less. Wills and Becca bond over their heartbreak and their shared fear of not feeling like they’re good enough for a partner, so she gives him the rose. After, they make out against a wall and, not gonna lie, it’s definitely the hottest kiss this season so far. I like Wills, so fingers crossed he doesn’t have some scandal come out in the coming weeks. At this rate, you never know.
The episode closes with the rose ceremony—Becca chose to forego a cocktail party—and Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, and Jordan are all safe. (That means Nick and Christon are leaving for those keeping track.)
Next week: Welcome to Vegas! Chris thinks he’s the best guy. “You’re worse than Arie.”
Netflix’s Queer Eye reboot has been wildly successful, but the momentum behind it took a while to build. In fact, when news broke Netflix was rebooting the classic Bravo show, the response was tepid-to-lukewarm at best. “The reaction we got before the show came out—when the show was announced—it wasn’t necessarily that positive,” Bobby Berk, one of the new members of the Fab Five, told Entertainment Weekly. “There were very few people that were like, ‘Yay! We’re so glad they’re bringing it back.’ It was, ‘Oh, they could never do better than the original cast. It’s never going to be as good.'”
Word-of-mouth cured that. Less than a week after the season premiered, Queer Eye 2.0 was ubiquitous. The new Fab Five—Jonathan Van Ness (grooming), Antoni Porowski (food), Tan France (style), Karamo Brown (culture), and Bobby Berk (design)—soon became household names. Most notably, everyone kept saying how the show made them cry:
It was surprising at first because the original Queer Eye wasn’t sentimental at all. While groundbreaking and culturally important, it was largely surface-based; the makeovers were fleeting and mostly external, with the Fab Five offering comedic commentary when appropriate.
Queer Eye 2.0 is different, though. Yes, the guys still offer external makeovers—Van Ness trims up beards, France picks out pastels, and Berk completely reimagines living spaces—but the real work is internal. The Fab Five pair their cosmetic expertise with empathy. They get to the bottom of why their clients have been neglecting themselves for so long. Usually, those conversations end with someone crying, which, you guessed it, makes the viewers cry, too. The takeaway from Queer Eye 2.0 isn’t to wear pants that fit; it’s that you’re worth self-care. That message—as schmaltzy and earnest as it sounds—really resonated with people, myself included. The first season quite literally epitomized the phrase, “I’m not crying, you’re crying.”
And the first episode of season two does the same thing, times infinity. No joke: There are more tears and hugs and social commentary in the Queer Eye season two opener than there were in the entire first season. Oh, and there’s more Bobby Berk, too, which, thank God; he’s finally getting the shine he deserves. (He gut-renovates houses in, like, three days, people! I love Antoni Porowski and his avocados, but Mr. Berk is the true M.V.P. of this operation.)
Granted, all of Queer Eye season two is emotional, which you’ll find out after you binge-watch it this weekend. But for our purposes, let’s focus on the opening hero: Tammye, the series’ first-ever woman. She’s a teacher, mother, volunteers, and practically runs her church on the weekends. Not only that, her son, Miles, is gay, which at first was problematic given their Southern-religious upbringing but nows seems to be OK. Their bathroom needs some serious work—as does the community center where Tammye hosts church functions. All these elements—religion, homosexuality, and selfless people—existed in the first season of Queer Eye, just in different episodes. But together? Oof. Stand back, because we’ve just created a perfect storm of weepiness—and Jonathan Van Ness puns.
Below, just 17 spoiler-free highlights from the first episode:
When Tammye smirks at a producer when they ask if she eats fast food. “I eat fast food,” she says with a knowing glance. Girl, literally same. No amount off Antoni’s fresh guacamole will pry the Chipotle out of my hands.
When Bobby decides not to go inside Tammye’s church—remember, he has issues with religion—and Karamo jokes, “You look like the gay that’s scared they’re gonna burn when they cross the [church] door.” Religious or not, that’s hilarious.
The fact that the city they’re in is Gay, Georgia. Gay! Why don’t I live there?
Jonathan’s description of Gay, Georgia: “Picture it: You’ve clicked on Netflix and you turn on that Bob Ross collection they have on there now. So peaceful! You’re taking a little gander. You see a little side street. You’re like, ‘Let me go down there.’ You come across a horse farm [and] some little birds living up there. Some hay over there. That’s Tammye’s house.” Moving in immediately.
PHOTO: Courtesy of Netfilx
Antoni’s pure excitement when he walks into Tammye’s house and smells something frying.
The fact Tammye calls her bathroom her “creative mess.” My excuse for not doing dishes, TBH.
When Tammye asks the Fab Five in the most serious way, “You’re gonna make me look like a diva?”
“We’re gonna have a Steel Magnolias moment,” — Jonathan describing his salon date with Tammye.
The fact that Antoni’s so bored in this episode (because Tammye doesn’t need his help) that he makes a house of cards.
The heartfelt conversation Tammye and Bobby have about religion. BRB, swimming in my own tears.
PHOTO: Courtesy of Netflix
Karamo: “You just upped the population of gay men in Gay, Georgia by five.” Jonathan: “Yes, we’re about to open up a club, henney!”
Honestly any time Tammye talks about her gay son.
OK, but why does Bobby only get ample screen time when he talks about his emotional trauma with religion?!
For the record: Jonathan says “Steel Magnolias moment” twice in this episode. I love him.
“Are y’all ready for Foxy Mama?” — Tammye to the Fab Five after she gets her makeover. Also: What I say every time I leave the house.
PHOTO: Courtesy of Netflix
When Bobby, who always has the most work to do, laughs at Antoni because he has to make pasta salad for 200 people. Sweet revenge!
When Tammye says goodbye to all members of the Fab Five individually like she’s Dorothy leaving Oz.
That’s all I’m going to share with you. You’re going to have to watch this episode—and the entire new season of Queer Eye—to find out the rest. Buy some tissues.
How many watch parties were confused tonight when, halfway through the broadcast, The Bachelorette cut over to Donald Trump meeting Kim Jong-Un for the first time? God, I hope at least one person had a little too much Final Rosé and thought Becca was getting two new additions to the mansion. But enough with world politics and on to the important things: This episode’s recap.
It’s raining in California, so the guys are being appropriately emo—especially Jordan and David. Jordan’s the worst, according to David, because he ran around the house naked but also spends too much time picking out clothes. Jordan says David sucks because he’s “walking around cooking scrambled eggs all day.” Wow, they both make such solid arguments. What side to choose?!
Meanwhile, Colton is sulking because he told Becca last week that he dated her friend, former Bachelor contestant Tia, and it didn’t go well. Funny how that works.
But just when I think the guys are moody enough to start smoking clove cigarettes and expand their beret collection, Chris Harrison comes in with good news: There’ll be two group dates and a “fantastic” one-on-one date this week. First up is a group date with the following: Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton.
Colton views this as a chance to prove to Becca his feelings. Cue a knock on the door: It’s Tia! She’s here with other favorites from Arie’s season—Caroline, Bekah, Kendall, and Seinne—to check out the guys and give Becca feedback. Before the guys show up, though, Becca asks Tia about her fling with Colton. It’s a little awkward, but Tia says they dated before The Bachelor even started airing and he ended things when he was cast.
Becca, understandably, is concerned that Colton applied for the show thinking Tia was going to be the Bachelorette. Her goal for the group date—which involves the guys pampering the women at a spa—is to feel out whether he’s here for her or not.
But first, she must introduce the guys to her friends, which brings me to the best part of this episode: BECCA FORGETS JASON’S NAME. I’ve been watching this show since Jake Pavelka’s season and that is an actual first. Even Arie, a man whose brain is filled with race car exhaust fumes, remembered his contestants’ names.
I’d rather spend hours dissecting the ramifications of this than any of the Colton-Tia-Becca drama, but Jason takes it surprisingly well. In fact, when he tells Colton they should talk about the “elephant in the room” he means the Tia situation and not the fact that the woman he is dating doesn’t even know his name. LOL this show.
As for the date itself, I think the women spend more time painting the guys nails than getting pampered. (Fun fact: Jason looks fab in a hot pink shade.) Kendall’s the only one interested in watching how the guys interact with Becca, but I get it: If I were one of these ladies, I’d be all about the free back massages and foot rubs.
But Becca can’t fully relax without addressing the Colton-Tia situation head on, so she pulls Tia aside for a chat. Tia says the most they did was kiss; early on in their relationship, or whatever it was, he told her he applied for the show and that was that. “I hope he’s fully here for you,” Tia says. This doesn’t really answer everything for me—or, apparently, Becca because she admits she’s still confused.
Later at the after party, Becca says she really likes Jason and has “a little crush” on him—but girl, you don’t know his name! Still, they makeout. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
While that’s going on, Jordan tells the other dudes that he’s had over 4,000 matches on Tinder. The guys try to dissect how much time that would take and the “matching percentages,” as if Jordan would have meaningful contributions to a conversation about math.
This annoys David so much that he uses his alone time with Becca to shit talk Jordan.
“She sees the inner chicken in me.” David, bragging.
Becca teases Jordan about it, which annoys him. A petty fight between Jordan and David ensues that ends with this exchange: “I have trouble achieving a 100% success rate in all walks of life,” David says. “Hey, cheers to you being a bitch,” Jordan shoots back before walking away to clear the air with Becca. The real highlight of this fight is Wills’ amazing head shakes, reaction faces, and giggles in the background.
“Guess what: Attached to me is my professionality.” – Jordan
When Becca and Colton finally sit down together, he says some vague things about why he’s here. They kiss. It’s fine. She gives him the date rose.
The next day, Becca has a one-on-one date with Chris. They head to Capitol Records, where Grammy-winning artist Richard Marx is playing the piano. He serenades Becca with “Right Here Waiting,” and it’s a very romantic date…between Becca and Richard.
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Eventually, Richard reveals the real reason he’s here: to write a love song for Chris and Becca. The two are separated so they can go write in a journal about their feelings. (Uh, told you this episode is extra moody.) Chris says he’s having a hard time being vulnerable because his parents divorced when he was young; when he wrote a letter to his dad a few years ago expressing all his feelings about their relationship, it went unanswered. Becca’s basically like—in a very nice way!—”get over and be vulnerable or else.”
The finished love song is good, but let’s be real: It’s no “Right Here Waiting.”
Back at the mansion, the following guys get invited on the next group date: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
I heard feedback from our Senior Beauty Editor’s boyfriend, Mike, that I should give contestant Mike more attention because he’s a great sports writer. So, here’s a photo of Mike for Mike!
On their date, Chris and Becca sit down to a dinner they won’t eat and he explains why it’s so hard to open up. Becca’s happy she got to see that side of him, so she gives him a rose. They go to another room, and, you guessed it, Richard Marx is at a piano playing “Right Here Waiting” again. Well, that’s now stuck in my head forever, so thanks Bach.
But hold up: There’s a dramatic cut to David being carried out (in his underwear, no less) on a stretcher. There’s blood everywhere. Lincoln’s saying nobody knows if he’s going to make it. What?!
The next morning, with bloody towels still strewn about the mansion, Chris Harrison tells Becca that David was rushed to the hospital and is in intensive care. His diagnosis: “Busted nose. Busted face.” Her first question is, “Who did that?” I think that reveals a lot about what Becca really thinks of her Bachelors. The answer is nobody, though: David fell out of his bunk bed and landed on his face.
She calls him to check on him, but has to keep the convo short because there’s a group date to prioritize. The premise: Two women from the Legends football league are here to make the guys run drills, followed by a “Becca Bowl” football game. I don’t have much to say about game—I watch one sports game a year, the Super Bowl, and only for the snacks—but I do get that it’s serious when Clay, a professional player, injures his wrist and is sent to the ER.
“How many people is Becca gonna put in the hospital this season?” – my husband
Another sneak injury I noticed at the after party: Blake’s fingers were taped up. Why is everyone so injured?
Despite his trip to the hospital, Clay shows up to the party with his arm in a sling. Apparently he left early—he literally told the doctor “we can do this tomorrow”—in order to have more time with Becca. She rewards him with a rose, as she should.
It doesn’t last long, though: The next day Clay finds out he needs an operation for his wrist which means he has to leave early. He and Becca share a tearful goodbye, and it’s so sad that we don’t even get a rose ceremony this episode!
Next week: David’s back! “The chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus.” Uh oh, Becca’s feeling disrespected.
There are a lot of awful men in Sex and the City. There was Greg, the 27-year-old Charlotte met in the Hamptons who gave her crabs; Harvey, a wealthy conquest of Samantha’s who had a literal servant; and let’s not forget Ethan, who could only have sex with Miranda with porn blaring in the background. (There was Aidan, too, who I personally think was the ultimate fake, but that’s another story—don’t @ me.) But all 107 men Carrie and the girls dated and slept with pale in comparison to the biggest creep of them all: Julian Fisher. You remember Julian: he was briefly Carrie’s editor at Vogue in season 4’s “A Vogue Idea” after her first editor, Enid, was made to appear like a critical ice-queen for having high standards and deigning to tell Carrie her article was too self-involved, meandering, and not up to the magazine’s ideals. Carrie whined, and poof—a menschy male editor appeared.
From the start, we understand Julian won’t be tough on “Cookie”—his inexplicable pet name for Carrie. He’s the fun one who drinks during the day, plays retro jazz in the office, and tells Carrie she belongs at Vogue—but not before taking credit for her being there. The episode famously culminates in a sexualized cat-and-mouse scene that’s played for laughs: Once Carrie hits save on the final draft of her story—late at night in Julian’s office—he rewards her with a trip to her personal Mecca: the Vogue accessories closet. Inside, while Carrie covets a pair of mythical Manolo Blahnik Mary Jane’s, Julian pulls down his pants and stands with his hands on hips—wearing nothing but a pair of black Versace underwear.
When Carrie notices, she bellows, “what are you doing?!” To which Julian says “Just showing you these briefs!” He goes on to snap the band of his Versace’s while Carrie hides and pratfalls over her own feet, blushing behind a rack of handbags. He doesn’t touch her, or force anything on her, and after a few awkward moments Julian eventually puts his pants back on, leading the viewer to possibly conclude that he’s just a quirky guy. A real kook. This was just a page from a cringe-y, old-man-flirts-with-younger woman playbook—nothing more. Or so I thought in 2001, when this episode aired.
Watching the episode this time around, I had a hard time shaking the vision of Carrie getting so drunk before noon that Julian literally has to hold her up, rag-doll style, while she walks out of the office.
But now, framed against the backdrop of #MeToo and the constant conversations we’re having about powerful men abusing their influence, I see Julian wasn’t just a kook—this was textbook sexual harassment. So much so, that he certainly would have earned himself a spot on the “shitty media men” list if such a thing existed in the early aughts.
And let me tell you—watching the episode again, which I did a few days ago, was horrific. From their first scene together, Julian appears to start using grooming tactics on a clearly vulnerable Carrie—he gently touches her chin, he grandly compliments her work and her “vision,” and he plies her with dry martinis in the morning—office door visibly shut—after she’s feeling rejected by Enid. Sure, you could say he was just trying to be nice—and the show was tapping into a glossy media stereotype—but this time around, I had a hard time shaking the vision of Carrie getting so drunk before noon that Julian literally has to hold her up, rag-doll style, while she walks out of the office.
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After that, he takes her to dinner at a Japanese restaurant and while, at first glance, it seemed like they had a meaningful conversation, I see now that Julian deftly extracted sensitive, personal information from Carrie and ultimately used it against her.
During the meal Carrie admits she’s thinking about quitting Vogue, and Julian asks, “what would your father say about your quitting?” to which she replies, “he wouldn’t have a whole lot to say about me quitting, he quit my mother and me when I was little.” This is actually the only time in the entire series Carrie talks about her father—and it’s because a powerful man brought it up. He then goes on to muse, “it’s interesting, your father leaves without any answers, and you spend your life asking questions about men.” Later, when Carrie rejects the half-nude Julian in the accessories closet, Julian uses Carrie’s “daddy issues,” to try to persuade her into sex. He tells her, “Cookie, as someone who really cares about you, I think you have some serious issues with men… an older man can help you work through some of issues, Cookie.” Oh my god.
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Yet Julian’s behavior wasn’t the only trope familiar to me in this story. How Carrie presumably reacted was also part of a too-common narrative. After the incident, she ended up working with Enid—who we were made to dislike at the outset—and never reported Julian. She just shook it off. And since these incidents never happen in isolation, and typically indicate a larger pattern of abuse, it’s safe to assume Julian went on to harass more junior fashion editors and fledgling writers.
However, what struck me the most, is that despite having access to Carrie’s internal narrative—we never get to hear how she truly feels about the incident. She doesn’t tells the girls about it over brunch, and the episode’s final monologue is a speech about how you’ll never have the perfect boss, or parent. There’s no mention of the Versaces, not a Cookie pun, or even a reference to whether or not she got to keep the mary janes. Because for Carrie, and for women for far too long, workplace harassment wasn’t something you could talk about. It was a dirty secret, something you had to grin and bare to get ahead. Think about it. Carrie chose to have a long and fruitful relationship with Vogue—even appearing in bridal couture in the mag’s pages during the Sex and the City movie. Would she have continued to work with the magazine if she had reported Julian? We’ll never know.
But now, 20 years after the premiere of Sex and the City, and nearly a year into the #MeToo movement, I’m reporting it for her.
I’m just going to spoil this week’s The Bachelorette from the top: Nothing on the show this week was as dramatic or disturbing as the controversy surrounding Garrett’s social media history that’s taking place off-screen. He’s canceled in my book, but Becca asked that we see this journey through—so, out of respect for her, let’s get right to the recap. Plus, on the bright side, there were several good Arie insults!
We open with Becca bopping around Los Angeles on a basket bicycle like she’s considering a career as a Zooey Deschanel celebrity impersonator—I mean, I could see it—and waiting for the first dates to begin. While she’s doing that, Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion with a date card and a piece of advice for the guys: If and when you get time with Becca, take advantage of it. With that, he reveals the first group date: Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. Jordan is not worried about his competition:
“Being a model, I beat good-looking guys all the time.” – Jordan, spewing nonsense.
The fellas head to a ranch to meet Becca, where she tells them that because she was pampered on her first date with Arie—a date I was very jealous of, by the way—she wants to do the same for these scrubs. She leads them to a room filled with champagne and fancy tuxedos, and the guys have no issue with immediately stripping down in front of Becca—and the cameras, of course. Jordan wastes no time using this opportunity to show off his one modeling move: “the pensive.”
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Now that they’re dressed in their finest, the group takes off to…a wedding-themed obstacle course. Rachel and Bryan are there and explain that the guys have to get “down and dirty” a.k.a. they’re going to trash these beautiful tuxedos. Why?!?!
The course goes like this: The men must strap a heavy ball onto their ankle—the ole ball and chain gag, har har—that they drag to the next event: cold feet. (You can guess what that involves.) After that, they have to climb a slippery slope to get to “Get Over Your Exes,” which requires crawling through mud to put a bouquet in a vase. That leads to a large wedding cake that they have to dig through using only their mouth to find an “engagement ring.” Once they have that, they race to the alter, where Becca is waiting. Got it?
If you don’t, Chris tells us all we need to know: Yes, there are professional athletes there, like Clay, and guys like Lincoln “who has a chiseled body” (tell me more, please), but maybe, just maybe smarts will win out on this one. TBD.
Once the race begins, the hardest part seems to be the “cold feet.” Bryan tells the dudes not to worry “about the shrinkage” in the cold water. Clay certainly isn’t—he’s calm and collected. Still, Lincoln is the first one out of the water. Chris thinks Lincoln cheated—and he’s not alone. David claims Lincoln pushed him out of the way as they raced to the alter. Lincoln’s not worried about the guys’ saltiness, though: You go all in for love, right? I get why the guys are annoyed, but I also don’t care because the stakes are so, so low.
Later that night, after everyone’s had a chance to clean up, there’s a cocktail party. Becca wears a STUH-UH-UNNING red pantsuit. Hot. Right away, Lincoln asks to if they can have some alone time, and this also pisses the guys off and oh my God what babies. You will get your time! Go enjoy your two-drinks-per-hour free booze and relax.
Anyway, Lincoln makes the most of his time with Becca by telling her that he feels like he can be himself around her. She rewards this with a framed “wedding” photo from his victory. He’s so excited, he asks if he can kiss her again now that they’re not covered in cake and mud. They make out, and then he brags about his new picture to the other guys. Connor deems this to be “childish.”
To be fair, Lincoln is being a little obnoxious—but not enough to warrant what happens next: Connor get so mad at Lincoln he takes the framed photo and tosses it across the room. Lincoln picks it up and puts it back on the table, flat, so Connor reacts by throwing it through a window into the pool. Uh, I’m with Lincoln so far on this. Is it because he’s very attractive? Possibly, but also Connor’s being a lil brat.
Jordan calls Connor’s move “epic,” which again tells me I’m on the right side of this. Lincoln, however, doesn’t fight back because he was “raised better.” He’s just bummed because he was looking forward to showing his mom the picture. (Uhhh, sure.)
Elsewhere, Jean Blanc and Becca cuddle under a blanket and bond. They make out.
The positive vibes don’t last for long: Lincoln tells Becca what happened with Connor and says he feels physically threatened. It’s a lame move for two reasons: One, being a tattle tale never ends up well on this franchise. And two, I don’t believe Lincoln, who is twice Connor’s side, is actually scared of this guy.
Still, Becca agrees that Connor’s reaction was aggressive, so she pulls him aside to talk about it. His excuse: “I just got rid of it.” She understands why it would be irritating to see that picture, but she wants a guy who can be respectful and handle himself well. Connor claims this side of himself “is not me” even though, uh, it is you because you literally just did it. Becca’s like, dude, it’s too early to behave like this.
Connor sits moodily in a dark room complaining that he’s lost his chance at the group date rose. And it’s true: That honor goes to Jean Blanc.
The next day, Lincoln CRIES while he tells the other men what happened. Apparently seeing the broken frame “broke his heart.” Some of the guys think these are crocodile tears—and Jordan even calls into question Lincoln’s accent. Jordan, if you want to hear a real fake accent, go watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
No time to unpack that further, though, because it’s time for Becca’s one-on-one date with Blake. She’s nervous because it’s her first big solo date since being engaged, so she lets Chris Harrison handle all the plans. Turns out, he can set up a pretty good date: Becca and Blake arrive at a warehouse filled with random things connected to Arie—a racing car, monitors playing his proposal, the actual damn couch he broke up with Becca on—and they get to destroy them all.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Even better: Lil Jon is randomly there to DJ and yell encouragements. I’d 1000% hire him to scream things like “you can do it, girl!” while he blasts “Turn Down for What.”
“Break those hearts like Arie broke yours!” – Lil Jon
That night, Becca and Blake go to somewhere called “Warwick” for a candlelit dinner. They talk, blah blah blah, and Blake tries to bond with Becca by saying he went through “a very similar situation.” No, he did not get broken up with on national TV by a DVD copy of Cars 3 come to life, but he did fall hard and fast for someone who broke his heart. So, yes, totally the same. Whatever, Becca gives him the rose and they kiss.
At the mansion, another card reveals that Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton are getting a group date. That means Mike and….other guy….Jason! aren’t getting any date this week, meaning they’ll have to step it up at the rose ceremony.
Maybe it’s for the best though, because the group date is intense: They guys head to a school where three adorable but vicious kids make them run drills, scream insults, and throw 50 MPH dodgeballs at them. It’s great.
“Becca really dodged a bullet with that loser Arie last season.” – A savage kid.
“Trash! You think Becca wants trash?” This kid.
After this warm up, a twist is revealed: The guys will be competing in a dodgeball competition at Sky Zone. Even Fred Willard’s there to announce alongside Chris Harrison and shares this story: “You know, I don’t have much experience with dodgeball, but when I was in my younger years I spent a week at a nudist colony where they played volleyball in the nude. And when the whistle blew and those balls started flying, it was pure joy. I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun out here today.”
The guys are divided into two teams: pink versus green. Leo puts up a good fight for the pink team, but the green guys ultimately win. They get a trophy, and everyone gets to come to the after party. There, the first solo time of the night goes to Garrett—yuck—who leads Becca to a creepy dark pool room straight out of Swimfan to chat. “I feel like you’re the girl version of me,” he tells Becca.
Moving on: Becca’s bonding with all the guys—especially Wills, who gets emotional talking about his family. They end their convo with a make-out that he describes as “sultry and sweet.”
Meanwhile, Colton is nervous because—twist!—he had a relationship with Tia (Becca’s friend and fellow contestant from last season) before he came on the show. He tells Becca that, yes, he and Tia spent a weekend together, but it wasn’t enough to turn a “spark” into a “flame.” Becca doesn’t know how to feel about it, but it makes her feel a little bit sick. On the one hand she’s very attracted to him, but on the other this puts her in a weird position.
She’s thrown off by the whole thing, so she decides to end the night; before they go, Wills gets the group date rose.
The next day, Becca’s crying and feeling down about all the drama with Lincoln and Connor and Colton and Tia. She powers through it enough though to put on a gorgeous blue sequin dress for the rose ceremony. The guys put on their best behavior: Sweet, sweet Clay teaches her some football touchdown moves, which very smoothly transitions into a kiss. John wrote her a poem, and they kiss. Chris makes her laugh. Connor makes a picture of himself from the group date and has her take this “shit” and launch it into the pool. (“Changed man, look at that.”)
Not everyone’s behaving, though: Jordan wants to make an impression so he decides to do “more with less” and strips down to his undies.
“Nothing attracts a woman more than being comfortable next to a sexy man.” – Jordan.
Jordan interrupts David and Becca so he can sit next to hear and say nonsense things. Upset, David questions if Jordan’s there for the right reasons and confronts him about it. (“Are you more than a model? Is there any more to you?”) The fight is very stupid considering one guy was a chicken last week and the other is sitting there, nearly nude, while he clutches a fuzzy blanket.
“I wore my underwear, bro, that’s not me trying to get attention.” -Jordan. What is?
Becca has one last conversation with Colton about Tia, and it goes well enough that she gives him a rose. The other roses go to: Chris, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. (Don’t forget Jean Blanc, Wills, and Blake already had roses too.)
That means we’re saying goodbye to Alex, Rickey, and Trent. I’m looking forward to next week, which includes: Tia! “Attached to me is professionality!” “Hey, cheers to you being a bitch!” “This dude just looked like he got attacked by a bear!”
Caution: Spoilers ahead for the season premiere of The Bachelorette.
Hey, remember that time Arie Luyendyk Jr. proposed to Becca Kufrin on The Bachelor finale? But then changed his mind and broke up with her for another woman? Oh, and the whole thing was filmed for national television so Becca, everyone she knows, and a million strangers could watch her be completely blindsided? Of course you haven’t forgotten—not that ABC would ever let you. Even this season of The Bachelorette, of which Becca is the star, begins with a cold open of her sobbing as she stares at photos of her and Arie in happier times.
Seriously, how much are they going to put this woman through? Becca’s the lead and ostensibly here to find love, but they’re kicking off the season with shots of her wandering around the Minnesota snow talking about how she doesn’t know “what to do” now that she’s not engaged.
Luckily, the show transitions to a new narrative pretty quickly: The music swells as Becca says she’s ready to find love again. The replay her appearance on After the Final Rose, when she wore that amazing gold dress and waved at screaming fans. So triumphant! Now she’s posing with roses for photo shoots and laughing. She’s doing aerial yoga to get that Jennifer Aniston bod. She’s driving around in a luxe red convertible. She is ready to get her life!
“Bring on the men!” – Becca but also me.
Becca rolls up to The Bachelorette mansion in her hot new car and is greeted by her best (ABC approved) friends: former Bachelorettes Rachel Lindsay, JoJo Fletcher, and Kaitlyn Bristowe. They’re here for a “girl chat”—and to remind us viewers that this process “works.” That said, it is kind of incredible that they’re all still with the guys they picked on the show.
Their advice to Becca is basically this: Forget Arie because a bunch of hot, accomplished dudes are coming to a mansion to woo you. The attention is all on you, girl, so soak it up. The women also drop some shade that Bachelorettes are better pickers than the Bachelors because men are not as “intuitive.” They are not wrong. The proof is in the data!
“Please don’t edit this out: FUCK HIM.” – Rachel Lindsay, how I’ve missed you.
Before they leave, Rachel wants to sage the place because “a lot of dirty stuff went down in this mansion.” (I love you, Rachel, always.) Rachel gets it all: She sages the couch, she sages Becca’s ring finger, she even sages Becca’s vagina. Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is confused because she thinks it’s just “a big doobie.”
I’d like to see that play out more, but instead a smoke alarm goes off—so, everyone heads outside so JoJo can casually sip on her mimosa as she points out the place she first kissed Jordan. Honestly, I just want a full hour devoted to this madness.
JoJo makes a good point that she, Rachel, and Kaitlyn all gave their first impression roses to the guys they ended up picking; they also kissed their chosen guys on the first night. So, no pressure BECCA.
Sadly, this conversation comes to an end so we can transition to meeting some of the men. First up is Clay, a pro football player who says he doesn’t fit the stereotype of a professional athlete because he’s a “big sweetheart.” Then we have Garrett, a 29-year-old medical sales rep who reminds us 1,000 times in five seconds that he is from Reno, Nevada. He follows that with what I think is an impression of Chris Farley? (“Was that pretty good?” he asks. No.)
The real comedy comes with Jordan, a 26-year-old “professional model” who also makes a memorable appearance in this Glamour video, below:
Jordan gives us so many fantastic quotes during his segment that I think it’s best to include the highlights without commentary:
“My brand is the pensive gentleman. It could have a glass of scotch. He could have a book in his hand. He could have a flower in his hand giving to a lady.”
“The power is in the brows.”
“Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking.”
“You’re talking gym year round, tan year round, salt spray year round. There’s so much involved. It’s taxing.”
“I started to realize that, you know, I’m so focused on myself that I’m really losing out on potentially sharing myself with someone else.”
“I’m so excited for Becca to be the Bachelorette. I could see Becca and I on a couch with sweats, a tub of chocolates, and watch a chick flick. Like, a lot of models won’t do that. I do that sometimes.”
So good. Sadly, though, we must move on…to a sane person: Lincoln is from Nigeria and seems like a catch. No red flags here, so keeping an eye on this one.
From Lincoln we go to Joe, who greets us in Chicago with a wink. He’s kinda cute, but then he opens his mouth and out comes the MOST Chi-CAH-go accent. I can’t explain it, but I am…deeply attracted? Blame it on my Midwestern upbringing, but this 31-year-old grocery store owner who says lame lines like, “See, I know my fruits and vegetables. I know tomatoes very good. Women? Not so lucky” is apparently it for me.
“I deal in produce but the one thing I haven’t produced yet is love.” – My dream man, I guess.
Joe jokes that there’s gotta be a woman out there for him because he’s too handsome. Is it me?
Ugh, we’ve got to move on: Here’s Jean Blanc, who loves nice watches, nice ties, and nice cologne. He has over 100 bottles! To him, cologne is “the essence of your soul.” K.
“She needs a man that smells good, and I’m going to blow her nose away.” – Jean Blanc. My god what people will say to be on reality tv.
I’d like to spend a lot more time learning about Jean Blanc’s cologne—sorry, his soul—but we shift to Colton. He was also a pro football player, but after an injury he had to quit. So, he started a foundation for kids with Cystic Fibrosis. His description of the work he’s doing is super emotional—and then they cut to his cute, very old dog and I’m sold. (Fun fact: According to People, he is Aly Raisman’s ex.)
Apparently The Bachelorette can’t top that, so it’s time to check in with Becca. She’s wearing a fabulous white halter neck gown—how very Meghan Markle!—and ready to do the damn thing. (Is she tired of saying that yet?)
First out of the limo is Colton, so clearly he’s getting the husband edit this season. They pop some confetti guns—to get this thing “poppin'”—and hug. Next is Grant, an electrician who tells Becca she deserves a lot of respect for what she went through, and then it’s Clay. He tells Becca she’d be the biggest catch of his life. It’s a sweet moment, but she gives an “aww” that sounds an awful lot like he’s already in the friend zone.
There’s a little more chemistry with Jean Blanc, who uses his time to teach Becca how to say “let’s do the damn thing” in French. The best part, though, is when he walks away and Becca says he smelled good. Bah! Maybe “colognoisseur” really is a thing!
Connor is next and gets down on one knee—the same move Becca did when she first met Arie—but she seems…not into it? Connor is followed by my Chicago beau Joe and, yes, I’m still charmed by him for reasons I can’t fully explain.
In fact, I’m so distracted by Joe that I miss John’s turn. Sorry, John! Oh well, I’ve already moved on emotionally to man bun Leo. He starts off with a full updo, but then lets his hair down as a knock-off version of “I’m Too Sexy” starts playing. Either I’m easy to please or it’s a genuinely great moment.
And the hits keep coming: Jordan comes out in a suit that took him six hours to pick out. As he walks away, Becca even comments that he has “fun” shoes. Jordan couldn’t have hoped for a better reaction because, “I wanted Becca to hear the tapping of the shoes I wore such is like the heartbeat of a gentleman.” (Yes, I played this line back several times and this nonsense is what he said.)
Jordan is confident he’ll stand out in the crowd of bros because he wore a gray suit. Cut to Rickey meeting Becca while wearing a gray suit. Then there’s Alex, who isn’t in a gray suit but Becca does compliment his tie.
Nick shows up in a racing suit and says, “I’m not a race car driver … What kind of bleep-bleep (asshole, I assume?) wears this?” So, I like Nick. Except he claims meeting Becca was “the hardest thing” he’s ever done in his life. Um, you’re a lawyer. What about literally any of your cases? What about law school? Getting out of a limo in a borrowed onesie is really it?
Meanwhile, Leo’s not impressed because he thinks it’s a bad idea to remind Becca of her ex. Someone tell that to Mike, who brings a full cardboard cut out of Arie. Becca says it’s “freaking her out,” and I’m with Leo on this one: We all want to forget Arie.
Moving on: Garrett rolls up in a minivan. He brought it because he wants to be a great dad someday. It’s a little weird to me, but Becca’s into it and I just want her to be happy. If that means a minivan-driving Reno resident, then go for it girl.
A quick check in with the guys in the mansion reveals they’re sizing each other up and sitting around talking about how great Becca looks.
“Did you see the sparkles on her dress too?” – This guy gets it.
Blake arrives on an ox because his feelings are already “as strong as an ox.” (More like “the producers have run out of ideas and somebody had a random lead on a ox so here we are.”)
Let’s just move on to Lincoln—like Blake, Lincoln met Becca on After the Final Rose. So did Chase, Darius, and Ryan, who we all meet in quick succession. The rest of the guys are pissy about it because she remembers these five, as if these guys really got any quality time with her.
Anyway, Chris Harrison must be ready to get to the drama because there’s then a quick montage through Christon, Wills, and Jason. There’s a brief pause when Kamil comes out and he asks her walk to him because he thinks relationships should be halfway. I don’t like it—this is her night, brah—and then he makes it worse by being like, “actually what about 60/40…for me.” It backfires, as it should.
The weirdness continues when Jake comes out of the limo next. Like Becca, he’s from Minneapolis and an acquaintance of hers; she’s thrown off by his arrival, but she doesn’t have much time to think it over because Trent shows up in an actual hearse. The line? He “literally died” when he heard she was the Bachelorette.
Meanwhile, Jordan is still shit-talking the other guys’ fashion choices. Especially Christian, who is not wearing a tie or socks with his loafers. According to Jordan, “This is not an occasion for that.”
Speaking of fashion, here is David in a chicken suit so he can caw “Beh-KAH” all night. Turns out, David did not plan ahead; there’s no suit or clothes under the chicken suit, so he’s completely committed to this lewk.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
The last out of the limo is Chris, who came with a choir. Jordan, who says he’s really good at math, seems overly impressed that Chris fit 12 people in the limo.
Now that we’ve met all the men, Becca is ready to get this party started. After her toast, Connor pulls the first “Can I steal you for a minute?” Unfortunately, he immediately ruins the moment by popping a bottle of champagne and drinking straight out of the bottle before even offering her a glass or sip first. And you thought you had it bad at Teddi’s house, Dorit.
The rest of the night is a bit of a blur: Clay brought literal clay, so she’d remember his name. John reveals he’s the guy who made the app for Venmo (um, excuse me?), Christon does an impressive dunk over Becca’s head. Even more impressive is the line he gives after: “When a guys tells you he’d jump over the moon for you I mean it.”
Later, Becca chats with Joe (luv u), feels a connection with Blake, receives a bracelet from Lincoln, and gets a back massage from Nick. David, naturally, asks her to do the chicken dance before finally revealing his face. Good news: He’s hot enough to pull it off! Then Garrett shows her some fishing techniques. Becca says he reminds her of home because he’s a fisher and hunter, and that’s what the men in her family are into. She seems into him. Foreshadowing?
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Joe, you charmer.
Things are almost going too well. Cue Chris, who reveals he has some dirt on another guy in the house. Apparently Chris knows Chase’s ex, and she’s been texting not-so-nice things about him. According to her, Chase isn’t there for the right reasons; he just likes “hanging out with his boys” and wants to revamp his marketing company. After asking a few guys for their advice, Chris decides to pull Chase aside to tell him about it. THIS WON’T GO WELL, which is why we pause for a commercial break.
When we return, Chris tells Chase about the texts. Chase’s excuse is that he only dated her for, like, two weeks so, you know, “women.” Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. Chase decides he better get ahead of this, so he pull Becca aside to talk about it. She understandably is like, “Well, what did the texts say?” This makes Chase realize he never actually found out, so he brings Chris in to clear things up. The whole thing is weird, but it leads Becca to think about who else might not be here for the right reasons…
She asks Jake—the guy she knows through mutual friends—to talk. Turns out they’ve met a few times, but he’s never shown interest in her before. So why now? He avoids the question (why are you here?) and instead focuses on the fact that he only remembers meeting her once. She points out that’s factually not true, so he pivots to a new technique: telling her she needs to stop “hanging on” to whatever happened at this Christmas party. He claims he’s had a “really transformative year,” so she should give him a chance.
Instead, Becca’s like, dude, we’ve met multiple times and each time it was kind of nothing. Why waste her time, his time, and everyone else’s time? So with that, Jake is the first one to go home of the season. She tells the rest of the guys what happened, which the others all take as a wake-up call.
The remaining guys who haven’t talked to her yet get into action, including Wills who reveals he has a Harry Potter tattoo. Wow, I am in love. Becca, can you spare Wills and Joe? Please? I don’t think she’d miss them that much, given that the first impression rose goes to Garrett. She’s choosing him because he made her laugh and feel comfortable, and they kiss.
That means only one thing: It’s time for the rose ceremony.
“I can’t go home. It wouldn’t be fair to Becca.” – Jordan
“[I’m] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers, you know, wondering if maybe she didn’t feel me.” – Leo
The sun is rising so Becca gets through the roses pretty quick. In addition to Garrett, Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris are all staying another week.
That means goodbye for Kamil, Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Jake, and my darling Joe. Sigh, it’s for the best. They all take it much better than the men of seasons past. The real drama comes in the preview for the rest of the season.
Coming up: Becca’s falling in love! There are tears! “I can’t believe what I just did what Arie did to me.” Lincoln is a liar and manipulator! Jordan is here to boost his modeling career! Colton is a virgin! “Cheers to you being a bitch!” Blake is bleeding! It all leads to a finale where Becca’s crying again!
