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'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 10 Recap: The Men Tell All


Didn’t it feel strange that the elephant in the room—contestant Lincoln’s assault conviction—wasn’t addressed at all on tonight’s Men Tell All? It’s not that I expect The Bachelorette to be the most self-aware show on television, or that he’d be there in person, but I thought Chris Harrison would at least say a line or two to assure Bachelor Nation the investigation is ongoing.

According to Chris Harrison, though, that was never an option. “Lincoln was not invited and not welcome here. What he did was illegal and against the law, so that is a very easy call,” he told Glamour in an interview. “There was no chance he was coming here tonight, no chance I wanted to talk to him or hear his side, because there is no side. … We wanted [Men Tell All] to remain about Becca, about the guys, and about this journey. … This wasn’t the time or place.” (For more from our interview, click here.)

So, that answers that. But there was another (non-problematic) contestant who wasn’t present or even addressed: sweet, sweet Clay! He couldn’t make it because of “football stuff,” but I really think the bros could have used his gentle, calming energy in the room. They were so angsty with each other tonight, no?

But we’ll get to that—first, we must discuss the new preview of Bachelor in Paradise that Chris Harrison dropped at the top of the episode. It is, frankly, iconic. So much happens in so little time: Tia’s in a love triangle with Colton and Chris; Grocery Joe maybe-probably finds love with Kendall; “everyone thinks Shushanna is a witch.” It’s so fun, I’m ready to wrap up these Bachelorette storylines so we can move on to all the BiP “glitter and tears” Krystal’s promising. Luckily, there’s not too much longer to wait: It premieres on Tuesday, August 7. See you then! (You know I’ll be recapping.)

After that promo, Chris Harrison introduces the guys, and Wills’ Final Rose-colored red boots deserve a special shout out. I appreciate a man who can dress on theme.

“Where do you start with this buffet?” – Chris Harrison

Things kick off with a discussion of the freakout Chris (the other one, not Harrison) had in Las Vegas. He says he felt like he deserved more quality time with Becca because their connection was further along than the other guys, but admits he overreacted. Connor, Leo, and Wills are basically like, yeah, you were a brat, and Jordan ends the conversation with this gem: “You can’t be Mister Right Reasons if you treat the Bachelorette wrong.”

Next, Chris asks Jean Blanc about that whole “I have feelings for you, just kidding I don’t” moment—but before JB can even speak, Colton jumps in and says, “No matter what you say right here…you lied to every one of us.” The two get in a heated back-and-forth, which escalates when Jean Blanc insults Colton’s virginity, saying, “Colton, you’re acting like a BLEEP but you’ve never been BLEEP, so what’s going on?” Some guys look genuinely shocked, but a few laugh—which bums me out because it’s 100% not cool to make fun of a person’s sexual history.

“Do you think they’ll actually tell all? Or just some?” – My husband with the jokes.

Colton also gets in a tiff with Jordan over his “behavior,” but Jordan fires back that Colton is one to talk given his relationship with Tia before the show started. This turns into a quibble over whether or not it was offensive that Jordan wore golden underwear to a cocktail party, and Christon chimes in with the best point: Becca gave Jordan a rose for it, so who cares?

David, apparently, still cares a lot. Nick puts it best when he tells David, “After watching the show, I thought you were there for Jordan, not Becca, because his name is all that came out of your mouth.” David admits he should have put more energy into his relationship with Becca—uh, you think?—and Jason correctly points out that David bullied Jordan a lot.

But then! Some man sitting in the back adds his two cents, but I don’t hear what he says because I was too distracted wondering if he was actually a contestant or just some random who wandered onto set. (We find out later, thanks to Chris Harrison, this person is someone named “Christian.”) When “Christian” gets up from his seat to confront Jordon or whatever, he reveals the tightest high-water pants I’ve ever seen. Like, full-on capris! With a tuxedo jacket! Wills would never.

The fight is going nowhere, so Chris Harrison tells Jordan he can have the last word. Instead of using it to explain himself, Jordan just does his take on the below Half Baked scene to all the guys:

And though were were just told that was going to be Jordan’s “last word,” he then gets a whole montage dedicated to his journey, followed by a solo sit down with Chris Harrison. It ends up being more of the same, though we get to hear from my beloved Grocery Store Joe for the first time. (Basically, he likes Jordan because he thinks he’s funny.) Jordan also reveals that he wore the damn gold underpants to the show before immediately doing a mini-strip tease to show them off. A small number of women in the audience scream like it’s Magic Mike Live, while Chris Harrison mumbles, “Even I don’t get paid enough for that.” (But you do, Chris. You do.)

When we return from the commercial break, my darling Grocery Store Joe, the most joyful part of this season, gets his own hilariously short montage. According to Chris Harrison, Joe’s one of the few early-eliminated contestants who’s been able to sustain fan interest. That’s because his eyes sparkle! And he gives sheepish grins! And he says things like, “Whaddaya wanna know?” in a thick deep dish pizza-soaked accent. Still, Joe says his experience on The Bachelorette was “pretty bad.” It seems like his time on Bachelor in Paradise, however, is more successful.

Wills is next on the hot seat. There’s a montage intended to be about his relationship with Becca, but really is a full recap of his best fashion lewks. Wills doesn’t seem to have the same perspective, though, because he tears up watching it all back. (Unless the lewks are just that good?) “She had to live her truth,” he says of Becca dumping him. “I have to respect it.” Chris transitions the talk to fashion—finally!—and Wills says he gets it from his dad.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

When Colton takes the stage next, he talks about his love for Becca (real) and his relationship with Tia (undetermined). Eventually, of course, Chris Harrison brings up Colton’s virginity. Apparently Becca got some backlash for leaving the table after Colton’s reveal, but Colton says he didn’t take it as a sign of disrespect. He felt she was not judgmental, unlike Jean Blanc’s comment earlier in the night. He tears up as he talks about how hard it was to be an athlete and feeling pressure to hide this side of himself. “It’s sort of sad that it’s viewed as baggage or a red flag,” he explains. (Read more with Colton here.) Despite their disagreement earlier, Jordan sweetly tells Colton that he respects him for staying true to himself.

Next, Jason gets his time in the sun. His hair is looking better, he’s got a nice blue suit, and he’s in a good place. He even wants to be friends with Becca someday. Though he didn’t get the closure he was looking for, Jason says he’s happy Becca did. When Chris Harrison mentions his brother and brother-in-law—who should get their own spin-off, honestly—Jason quotes Oprah: “Love is love is love.” Chris Harrison wraps their conversation with a lil gossip: According to Becca, he’s the best kisser of the group.

“She forgot my name—everyone remember that?—but after I kissed her, she never forgot my name!” – Jason

Finally, Becca comes out and admits she’s a little nervous. Maybe it’s because she’s not in a signature sequins? You’re in a room full of your exes—if that’s not the perfect opportunity to look hot in a sparkly dress, what is?

Anyway, Jason kicks things off by asking Becca how he can improve so he knows for future relationships. (Aw.) Becca tells him to never change; it’s not him or anything he did, she just wasn’t The One. They hug it out. Wills also asks what went wrong, and Becca says essentially the same thing: Nothing, she just didn’t want to bring his family into the picture if she wasn’t quite there in her feelings.

Regarding the Colton-Tia situation, Becca says they’re still friends and she’s sad Tia has gotten so much hate on social media about Colton.

Then, Jean Blanc asks to come up on stage. He apologizes for how they ended things, Becca accepts, and he gives her, of course, a fragrance. “It’s actually made with real bits of broken hearts,” Chris Harrison quips. “And tears!”

After a quick check in with Jordan and Joe, Chris Harrison gives the other Chris the floor. He apologizes to Becca for being entitled and disrespectful, before bringing out a gospel choir to sing, “Chris was a jerk! … Chris just wants to say sorry!” Chris is a jerk, yes, but even I would be a sucker for that.

The episode ends with bloopers and a sneak peek at next week’s finale. See you then!





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*The Bachelorette* Season 14 Episode 9 Recap: Tears, Thailand, and Fantasy Suites


It’s fantasy suite time, Bachelorette fans, and you know what that means: deep talks, crying, and implied sex! Your regular recapper, Anna Moeslein, is still living her best life on vacation, so you have me for one more week!

Here’s what happened on tonight’s episode:

We’re in Thailand! Becca’s looking gorgeous, as always. She says Thailand’s one of the most “romantic” places she’s been to, which seems accurate—especially when you compare it to Richmond, Virginia, where they went a few weeks ago. Thailand > Richmond, Virginia any day of the week.

Becca says she’s “in love” with two men and “falling in love” with a third. Those first two are clearly Blake and Garrett. The third is Jason, which probably means shit’s about to go down with him tonight. Becca keeps talking about how obsessed she is with Garrett, so here’s a quick, little reminder about those bigoted Instagram posts he “liked” a few months back. Remember those? Because I sure do!

Blake, my favorite of the three, has the first date of the episode. He’s looking like a damn snack in that V-neck shirt, which Becca obviously realizes because she jumps on him like a spider monkey.

Blake and Becca go hiking on their date, which is 10 times worse than that tractor-tomato excursion from last week. Also, they can’t kiss and touch on this hike—a funny caveat seeing as how Blake says, “I can’t wait to kiss and touch” Becca before meeting her. My roommate and I clocked four times where they nudged bodies, ergo breaking the rules.

They then hang out with some monks. Blake doesn’t close his eyes when he’s suppose to close his eyes. He says he’s really taking in the “wisdom” from “this monk,” but something tells me he’s just thinking about making out with Becca. Justice for “this monk!” Becca and Blake nudge/break the rules again.

At dinner that night, Becca tells Blake it just keeps getting “better and better” with him and that she’s scared a bomb’s going to drop. (Apparently, Garrett’s Instagram “likes” aren’t bombs? There’s your second friendly reminder!) Blake says he’s falling in love with Becca and he can no longer ignore the fact she may have stronger connections with the other guys. Um…is he just now realizing this? Has he ever watched The Bachelorette? Becca doesn’t really do anything to ease his anxieties, either. She just talks about Arie. Stop talking about Arie!

This is the longest conversation on the planet. Blake says he’s not afraid to commit to Becca. “I’m the type of man who’s looking for a reason to stay, not a reason to go,” he says, literally, like he’s in some bad Matthew McConaughey rom-com. The line does the trick, though: Blake and Becca go to the fantasy suite. Sidebar: It looks so friggin’ humid where they are. I’m getting aggressive sweat stains on my shirt just looking at this weather.

Becca and Blake wake up in bed together and kiss. “I had so much fun last night,” Blake says, which for some reason makes me audibly cackle. Like…what a thing to say after the fantasy suite. They whisper some inaudible shit, and Becca says Blake is “in his head” today. He says he doesn’t want this to be the last time he wakes up with Becca. I…don’t think Blake knows how The Bachelorette works. Becca asks if there’s anything she can do to ease his nervousness, but the answer to that is clear: Pick Blake. My God, please pick Blake. He’s the only one left who 1) has good hair, and 2) isn’t a bigoted Instagram post liker. (And there, my friends, is your third friendly reminder.)

Date number two is Jason and his slicked-back hair. He’s wearing mint-green shorts: a plus, because that’s my favorite color. They go to the Sunday Market and explore, which actually sounds like a fun date. There’s no hiking or tractors involved! Jason’s consistently had the best dates.

And he’s so interesting, too. He’s actually taking in the Thailand sights and has genuine opinions. He’s so funny and breezy and charming—I hate that Becca would rather hang out with Garrett. Becca makes some comment about “the future”; she then immediately wants to take it back, though, because she says she can’t picture a future with Jason. She has a little meltdown about it—like, they film Becca putting her hair up in a ponytail (!!!) and talking to a producer (!!!). A Bachelorette with her hair up and a producer shown on camera?! The scandal of it all! Jason’s sweating, which is relatable.

Jason’s all in with Becca, and it’s beyond clear she’s not. You can see it in her eyes, and she barely says anything as Jason gushes on and on about her. Oof. This is actually devastating. Becca starts relaying the story to Jason about making a comment about the “future,” but she has to excuse herself. She realizes she sees a future with Garrett and Blake, but not Jason. Heartbreaking, but not surprising.

There’s a lot of heavy, nervous breathing and whispering. Becca then tells Jason how she’s feeling: that she sees more of a future with Blake and Garrett and she can’t put him through an overnight. Jason’s understanding, but of course sad. Jason says he came into this rooting for her happiness and that he’ll always root for her happiness, so he’s an actual angel. I can’t believe she’s kicking him out and keeping Garrett Bigoted Instagram Posts Yrigoyen!!!!!! Where the hell is the justice? In an odd twist, though, Jason’s never looked hotter to me than he does after getting dumped.

Becca’s now sobbing and saying, “What did I just do?” “What am I doing?” Uh, you’re dumping a dude on national television, that’s what! You’re on The Bachelorette! You are The Bachelorette. This is your job! Becca says Jason is one of the best guys she’s ever known and thinks she’s doing to him what Arie did to her. No comment on that.

Becca spends her morning crying and staring wistfully in her hotel room over Jason, but she can’t stay sad for long because Garett’s date is next. Whoopee! She jumps on Garrett, again, like a spider monkey when she sees him. That move is becoming her signature more than, “Let’s do the damn thing.” Their peaceful rafting date turns into a bit of a rager because there’s a Thai national holiday happening on the river. I’m so bored with them. They drink beers. Garrett’s shirt is annoying the crap out of me. He babbles on and on about his hometown date, and I only half listen. Becca wants to know if Garrett’s falling in love with him, which he obviously is. Blah blah blah, remember Garrett’s Instagrams, blah blah blah.

LOL, Becca makes some heavy-handed metaphor about how navigating the river today is like navigating a relationship. I’m so over them as a couple, which sucks because Garrett’s clearly a front-runner. Garrett says he’s worried about getting engaged and having it not work out—remember he was married once—and Becca stares at him blankly in response. Oh, and she says “yeah.” Becca eventually says she only wants Garrett to say things if he means them, and that they both know the gravity of this situation. Their chat ends with Garrett saying she’s in love with Becca, but whether or not this was a forced/manipulated confession is up in the air. His admission came after a super pointed conversation about love. But who cares about that? They go to the fantasy suite! (An aside from my roommate about this date: “I can’t wait for this shit to be over so we can watch Love Island.)

Garrett and Becca wake up to the sound of the rain. They kiss and say some lovey-dovey nonsense. I can’t with the fact their fantasy suite was in a literal tree house. Blake got a dope-ass suite! Becca blows Garrett a kiss goodbye. Garrett attempts to do the same and fails. He did, like, some bizarre drunk chef’s kiss instead. Garrett can’t blow kisses, apparently.

But plot twist: Jason comes back to Becca to talk about what happened. He starts opening up to Becca about the situation and holds back tears. He says his love for Becca is genuine. She straight-up admits to blindsiding Jason and compares herself to Arie. Even still, she doesn’t, like, take back what happened the before and says Jason deserves to find love. Insult to injury: Jason made Becca a damn scrapbook of all their good times together and gives it to her. All Becca says is some empty quote about how Jason’s an amazing man and that she’ll “look at [the scrapbook] later.” Ice cold! She sends him on his merry way, and starts looking at the scrapbook. Again, it changes nothing.

There’s a final rose ceremony (???) even though Jason’s gone, so this is just performative because Blake and Garrett are each getting roses. So, so, so dumb.

Becca explains the Jason situation to Blake and Garrett, and they just make doofy faces in response. I’m so annoyed. Garrett accepts his rose. Blake accepts his rose. I miss Jason. Heck, I miss Joe the Grocery Store Owner. Garrett makes some weird chest-puffing speech about how he’s excited to meet Becca’s parents right in front of Blake. Blake squints his eyes and says to himself over and over that Garrett and Becca don’t have what they have. I just want to give him a glass of wine. Anyway, they’re now going to the Maldives, and the dudes are going to meet Becca’s fam.

Next week: Men Tell All! Fingers crossed Chris Harrison asks Garrett about his bigoted Instagram posts! And then the finale! Becca cries and calls herself a “monster!”

Stream this season of The Bachelorette here.





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*The Bachelorette* Season 14 Episode 8 Recap: Hometowns Bring the Drama


Ahhh, hometowns. It’s one of the most awkward (and amazing) episodes of The Bachelorette every season, and it’s finally here. Unfortunately, your normal, hilarious recapper, Anna Moeslein, is living her best life on vacation right now, so I’m stepping in this week. I’m not sure I’ll be as funny, but I promise to throw plenty of shade at the men—because, let’s face it, all the good ones are gone, anyway.

Here’s what happened tonight:

Becca’s walking in some random field looking fabulous. Oh, it’s a random field in Garrett’s hometown. Truthfully, I’m already over this hometown given Garett’s problematic Instagram activity. Like, he could perform a rendition of “Ray of Light” by Madonna on this hometown date, and he still wouldn’t win me over.

But this hometown date isn’t going to be nearly that fun. They’re planting tomatoes on some farm. This is my worst nightmare. I’m sweating just watching this. They’re driving what I think is a….tractor? Becca says she’s into this and would go out on a farm with a beer and plant tomatoes. Again, this all sounds like my personal hell. They kiss on the tractor. They plant rose bushes. Don’t these people need a water break? I would’ve needed a water break 10 minutes into this nonsense.

The last woman Garrett brought home was his wife, whom he divorced over two years ago, so this hometown date is a big deal. Good thing it’s happening on national television! Now Garrett’s talking about why he and his ex-wife didn’t work, and I don’t really care. Remember his Instagram likes? I’m still thinking about them! He says he and Becca align, which I agree with only because they’re both physically attractive humans. That’s the…only similarity I see.

Garett’s father looks exactly like him. Garrett’s brother looks exactly like him. Garrett’s sister seems cool, and she’s the person who pulls Garrett aside first. He says he’s happy with Becca, but the sister has concerns given the entire ex-wife situation. I mean, fair.

The dad has his concerns, too. Becca wants to know if Garrett’s fully healed from his divorce and ready for an engagement, which, like, who knows? This is a TV show! Garrett’s known Becca for a few weeks! All I can think about is how bomb Becca looks in this purple floral romper.

Garrett’s mom isn’t pulling any punches, and she’s instantly my favorite person in this family. I’m living for her bob and her bangs and her no-bullshit attitude. Becca seems to win Garrett’s mom over, which isn’t surprising because Becca’s the best. Garrett’s love for Becca seems pure and real, and his mom seems to be on board with that. Honestly, I want a talk show hosted by Becca and Garett’s mom. All I want is to watch them talk shit for two straight hours.

Anyway, the hometown date ends. Garrett and Becca kiss. Becca seems happy. Yay!

We’re in Buffalo now for Jason’s hometown date. I like Jason, but I don’t like his hair. I also don’t like the fact that he’s saying “damn” every other sentence. Does he not know any other filler words?

Their date is way more my speed. They sit down and eat a bunch of chicken wings and then make out. That’s my ideal situation with another man.

But then, OMG, they go ice-skating, which is 2,000 percent something I’d hate. I attempted to go ice-skating one time and busted out crying because I couldn’t find skates that fit. Jason’s scarf is cute, though, which gives him brownie points. They kiss on the ice rink, which requires so much coordination.

Wait, wait, wait: Jason’s brother is gay and in a relationship and this instantly makes me like him way better. His brother’s name is Steven and his boyfriend is Bill and I now no longer care about Jason and Becca. Come through, homosexuality on a primetime episode of The Bachelorette! My gay self is squealing.

Update: Jason says damn another 40,000 times. He pulls his dad aside and says he’s falling for Becca. His dad is basically, like, “Whoa, chill, you’re on a TV show.” Jason’s mom has fabulous hair, and it’s full of secrets about how Jason is guarded and can’t commit. She can’t read whether or not Becca is falling for him, which, duh. It’s beyond clear Becca’s obsessed with Garrett and the other guys are kinda just…there.

Wow, wow, wow: Jason’s talking to his brother and husband about Becca, and this is the greatest scene of The Bachelorette in history. Thank God this straight-ass show is being fueled with some homosexual energy. Steven basically tells Jason to get his shit together and decide how he feels about Becca. Where is Steven’s podcast?

Jason tells Becca that he’s in love with her. His speech is insanely long and sounds like something out of a romantic comedy. They kiss. I think it’s legit, but honestly who TF knows? If Jason had better hair I probably wouldn’t be questioning the authenticity of his speech.

Blake lives in a very snowy place. He’s the cutest one here, in my humble opinion, and he’s even cuter wearing this jacket surrounded by snow. Update: Bailey, Colorado is the name of this town. (Sorry, I didn’t get that before because I was pouring myself a glass of wine.)

They go to Blake’s high school for their date, which is a Bachelor staple and something I’ve never understood. Maybe I’d understand it more if I was a popular, hot jock in high school, like Blake and all these people probably were. Blake says he wants Becca to see the man he is, so his go-to move is bringing her to his…high school? I wore cargo shorts in high school and was the lead in a musical even though I can’t sing. I’d never want to go back there.

Blake reveals to Becca that there was a shooting at his high school during his senior year, and it changed his outlook on life. He now views life as a gift and doesn’t take a second for granted. They have a poignant chat about this, kiss, and move on. It’s moving and serious, and that’s all I’m going to say.

But then, Blake takes Becca into an auditorium and Betty Who is there giving a surprise performance. I love Betty Who. What a gay icon! This is such a gay-friendly episode of The Bachelorette, and I’m thrilled. Becca says Betty Who is her “favorite singer,” but I don’t know if I believe that. I…don’t know if she had heard of Betty Who before this episode of The Bachelorette.

Blake’s family is lovely, especially his mother. Her hair is also phenomenal. When Blake says he’s falling in love with Becca, his mom says, “That’s crazy,” which is the greatest thing she could say. Because it’s true! This is all crazy! Blake’s mom thinks Becca is the one for him, but is afraid Becca will break his heart. His father feels similarly, and is basically like, “Yo, there’s a chance you’re ‘gonna get dumped, son.” Yes, dad! Bring down the reality hammer! Blake’s mom is very, very protective of him, which is sweet but also ,like, a little aggressive. He’s an adult man. He’ll be fine, no matter what happens.

They kiss in the snow and Becca thanks Blake for the date and the Betty Who surprise. I’m so glad Betty Who received some national promo, because she’s a bop queen.

The last hometown date of the evening is Colton’s in Parker, Colorado. Remember, Colton told Becca last week he’s a virgin, which the show tried to make a bigger deal than it is. I mean, come on. He’s a virgin! It’s not like he’s a serial killer or has Jason’s hair.

Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital, where they visit kids who have cystic fibrosis. Colton has a nonprofit organization dedicated to this, and the date is understandably tender. I have nothing snarky to say about it. Colton looks uncomfortably hot, as per usual.

Colton has never brought a woman home before, so the stakes are pretty high tonight. Becca’s scared because Colton’s only been in one serious relationship before. I’m scared because, at some point, we know Tia’s going to show up in this episode and fuck shit up. More on that later.

Colton has 18 people waiting for Becca at his house. That’s so overwhelming, even for someone as friendly and wonderful as Becca. Anyway, I love the off-the-shoulder shirt Becca’s wearing tonight. Meghan Markle would 100 percent wear it. Also, I have a crush on Colton’s dad.

Colton’s dad has a serious talk with his son about if he’s ready for an engagement. Also, he brings up Tia, because that was some capital-D drama. Then, Colton’s dad brings Tia up to Becca, and Becca says she’s cool with the whole situation, even though I’m not sure that’s the case? Colton’s dad literally tells Becca not to pick him if she isn’t 100 percent sure he’s the one. He even brings up Arie! He’s asking the hard questions!

As is Colton’s mom. She’s shocked that Colton is so in love with Becca. I would be, too. Becca asks her about Colton’s virginity, and I’m uncomfortable. She basically wants to know if Colton will commit to her even though he has a lack of experience, and his mom says that’s a possibility. It’s a kind conversation. Colton’s family is kind!

Colton then tells Becca he’s in love with her, but it’s clear she’s not fully there with him. I mean, she’s made it very clear she’s in love with Blake and in love with Garrett, but the heat with Colton ins’t on the same level. I’m available, though, Colton.

Praise be: Becca’s now reunited with Tia, Bekah M., Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline. They’re drinking mimosas and talking about Becca’s hometown dates and I wish I was a part of their squad. When Becca brings up Colton, Tia’s face immediately changes, so you know shit’s about to go down.

Yup, shit happens: Tia essentially admits to Becca she still has feelings for Colton, which obviously throws a wrench in Becca’s decision-making. Remember: Tia went on a date with Colton in January, and that made Becca pause. She was under the impression Tia was over Colton; however, that doesn’t appear to be the case. Tia says that seeing Colton go this far with Becca makes her “sick to her stomach.” Oof.

Becca’s totally blindsided by this, and she doesn’t know what to do going into the rose ceremony. Try as the editing team might, though, I think it’s pretty clear Colton’s going home. Blake’s wearing a bowtie, which further confirms he’s my favorite. Colton asks Chris Harrison about the expectations for the fantasy suite, which is a hilarious and awkward conversation to have.

Becca walks in looking gorgeous in a sparkly black dress, as she’s apt to do. I want to wear this dress. She gushes about how much she loved the families and that this elimination is gut-wrenching. Just go ahead and eliminate Colton so I can go to bed!

Blake gets a rose. Jason gets a rose. Garrett gets a rose. Colton does not get a rose. Shocker! They have a tearful goodbye.

Next week: More tears in Thailand!

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'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 7 Recap: One of Becca's Guys Just Revealed a 'Big Secret'


I’ll admit it was a little harder than usual to sit on my couch and snark about things like Blake’s dancing given that tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette was interrupted by President Trump’s Supreme Court nomination. Like, no big, this is a person who will influence our country for generations to come. But I’ll let our very intelligent and hard-working news and culture team tell you all about Brett Kavanaugh’s qualifications—read that here—and channel all of my feelings about it into this recap instead. Spoilers ahead.

We’re in the Bahamas this week, and Becca tells Chris Harrison she’s looking forward to “no drama.” LOL, we’ll see how that turns out. She also admits she’s starting to catch feelings for a few of the guys, though she’s afraid something will ruin it. Something like…a social media controversy coming to light right as the season airs? Maybe?

Anyway, Becca tells the guys that this week’s format is a little different: There will be three one-on-one dates with roses and a group date with one rose, and no rose ceremony. Colton gets the first solo date of the week, and the reaction from the other guys is awkward. “None of us can see her with Colton,” Blake confesses. Then we learn a bombshell: Colton’s a hiding a “big” secret from Becca. He’s a virgin.

Cut to a million soundbites from Becca about how hunky Colton is and how their relationship is full of “passion” and how he can “pick me up and do whatever he wants.” Editors, I thought you were supposed to be on Becca’s side? What gives? It gets worse: Right as Colton is about to tell Becca that he’s a virgin, a man rolls up in a yellow boat to tell Becca she needs more “conch” in her life. Yes, Colton and Becca are going diving for conchs solely so The Bachelorette can make a bunch of penis jokes.

“I’m hoping Colton dives deep for that conch.” – Becca

The two learn that the conch’s pistol is considered “Bahamian Viagra”; they try it but Becca, still ignorant about Colton’s sexual history, assures us they don’t need an aphrodisiac. That night, Colton finally—finally!—tells Becca he’s a virgin. She responds by excusing herself from the table, leaving him to sweat it out alone. When she eventually returns, Colton explains that he’s not waiting for marriage—he’s just waiting for “the right heart”—and Becca assures him she’s not one to judge. For her, the fact that it’s not a “marriage thing” but rather “a heart thing” is a good sign. TBD if Becca’s the “right heart” when it comes time for the fantasy suites, but Becca gives Colton a rose.

Garrett gets the next one-on-one date: a seaplane to a private island, but instead of looking out at the gorgeous views they just make out. When the plane lands, Becca yells “wooo!” and confirms something I’ve long suspected: She’s a total woo girl.

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On the beach, Becca and Garrett do that awkward pose where she stands in front of him and cranes her neck around to kiss. Just turn your body around!

They stop kissing long enough for Garrett to admit that it’s been tough seeing the other guys go out on dates with her. He opens up a little more about his divorce later that night. According to him, his ex was “hot-headed” and he felt like he had to change who he was to make her happy. Becca admits this makes her nervous—that he wouldn’t be his real self around her—but he claims he’s learned by now not to let a red flag linger. They do not talk about his social media history, which is a red flag I would like to not keep lingering. Anyway, he says he’s falling in love, and she gives him a rose and calls him a “stand-up man.” Hmm.

The next day, Becca takes Blake to a beach party where the Baha Men are performing. This is much more my speed—way better than conch jokes or spending more than 20 minutes with Garrett. They’re having a good time, until Blake confesses that he’s gotten in his head this week thinking about her with the other guys. Over dinner, he opens up about his parents—his mom had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher when he was in high school—and how it’s made him realize he wants his family to be better at communicating. Then he tells Becca he’s in love with her. They kiss, and he gets a rose.

In the morning, Wills, Leo, and Jason meet Becca for the dreaded three-on-one date. Her time with Wills and Jason goes well, but when she sits down with Leo he admits that he feels like he needs more time with her to get to where some of the other guys are at in their feelings. She agrees and says it’s better if she doesn’t bring him to hometowns. So with that, Becca, Wills, and Jason get in the boat and leave poor Leo wandering around alone on the island. Luckily, if there’s anybody capable of swimming back to the Baha Mar, it’s Leo.

“I can’t freaking wait for you to come to freaking Buffalo.” – Jason

That evening, Becca calls Jason out for moving a little slower than the other guys, but he says he does feel strongly about what they have. Wills, meanwhile, gets emotional as he describes his love for Becca. Apparently that’s not enough though, because she dumps him moments later—in front of Jason, no less. So rude! Wills deserves better, and also his shirt is excellent tonight.

Next week: It’s hometown dates! “He’d be a hot dad.” “I don’t want you to pick him.”



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'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 6 Recap: Chris Is the Worst


If The Bachelorette had a drinking game—Watch What Happens Live style—tonight’s word would have been “Richmond” and I would have been too drunk to finish this recap. Seriously, I’ve been watching this show for nearly a decade and can’t remember a city ever getting so much promo. Can you?

It starts right at the top, with Becca swaning around Richmond talking about how it’s the complete opposite of Las Vegas because Richmond has “fresh, clean air.” Even Chris Harrison has traveled to Richmond to experience this amazing fresh, clean air! But first, he has a quick sit down with Becca to call her out for looking at wedding magazines on the flight there. Cut her a break, CH—it’s a little extra, sure, but it’s not Tinsley-trying-on-wedding-dresses-for-her-mom-even-though-she’s-not-engaged extra.

Meanwhile, Jason gets a date card for the week’s first one-on-one. Chris, never one to miss an opportunity to be the worst, declares he wants the other one-on-one date but would settle for a two-on-one. For some reason, Lincoln takes issue with this and the two bicker and fight while the camera weirdly zooms in on their legs touching. (What is that about?)

It’s all so, so dumb that even Garrett, a man who once “liked” a post implying a Parkland survivor is a crisis actor on social media, is starting to seem like a better pick than Chris. Meanwhile, Chris declares he can “destroy” Lincoln, even though Lincoln’s the one reportedly convicted of assault and battery.

“It’s very apparent that the wheels on the bus have come all the way off.” – Colton

Happily, it’s time to move on to Jason’s date with Becca. They take a trolly to the place where Patrick Henry gave his “give me liberty or give me death” speech, and Jason does a half-decent job pretending like this interests him. They head to a doughnut shop next, followed by an Edgar Allen Poe museum tour. The real, uh, excitement comes at the “unhappy hour,” a gathering that a man dressed all in black says is for “those who tend more toward the gothic realm of things.” As Stefon would say, this party has everything: a sad man playing an accordion, a sad man playing a mandolin, drinks that look like blood, interpretive gothic dancing, and ice breakers like, “Do you enjoy life or death?”

“May you be unhappy evermore.” – An actual toast

Becca claims there’s an even bigger surprise ahead for Jason, though I can’t imagine what could possibly top this delightful gothic cocktail hour. Turns out it’s his best friends, who have traveled all the way to Richmond in a fun twist. The bros serve as excellent wingmen, telling Becca that Jason’s a good catch. That night, Jason opens up about his grandmother’s Alzheimer’s—it taught him not to take any moment for granted—and gets a rose.

The next day is a group date with Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris. They’re greeted by “George Washington” and “Abe Lincoln,” who tell the guys they’re going to have a debate. Or, rather, Beccalection 2018.

It’s such a serious event that the Governor of Virginia, Ralph Northam, shows up to ask the first question. I’m too distracted to hear it what it is, though, because he pronounces idea “idear.”

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

“Marvel: Infinity War is the most ambitious crossover event in history. ABC: The Bachelorette x Governor of Virginia.” – Ana Colon

Anyway, the debate goes pretty well until Lincoln—the contestant, not the president—calls Chris out for that time he threatened to leave. Chris hits back by hinting that some of the guys are “playing” Becca and ranting about Lincoln’s “nasty” side. The audience, including Gov. Ralph, looks shocked—probably because everyone’s surprised Becca hasn’t told Chris to leave yet. She does admit that she’s not happy with Lincoln or Chris’ behavior and calls the whole thing embarrassing.

“It’s childish and immature.” Says the one who’s being childish and immature.

That night, at an after party at a mansion Becca describes as “creepy,” Lincoln asks for some alone time. Instead of, I don’t know, forming a connection, he uses that time to shit talk Chris, telling her he’s scared to be around him. Before he’s able to say too much more, Chris interrupts.

Becca confronts Chris about what Lincoln said and admits she’s freaked out about the whole thing. He denies it all, but Garrett comes in before they finish their conversation. Annoyed by all the drama, Becca asks if she can have five minutes alone to herself instead.

Meanwhile, Chris and Lincoln fight again and it’s so, so, so, so stupid. The only bright spots: Connor’s glasses and the face Wills makes when he has to listen to Chris’ nonsense. Garrett eventually tells Chris he needs to shut up and get over it because he’s ruining the mood for everyone—for Becca, for the other guys, for whatever ghosts lurk in that creepy mansion, and for us viewers at home, who are tired of this shit.

Later in the night, Becca perks up after she spends some alone time with Garrett, Colton, and Wills, and the group date rose goes to Colton.

The next day is Leo’s solo date, but Becca admits she’s still in her head about the night before. Leo’s very sweet about it—he just listens to Becca vent and says he’s happy to just do nothing, whatever makes her feel comfortable. She appreciates it, and her mood improves even more after he puts his hair up into a luxurious man bun while they catch oysters. Later, at dinner, Leo opens up about his insecurities—he’s always felt like he let his father down, which carries over into other aspects of his life. Becca likes seeing a vulnerable side of Leo, so he gets a rose.

The date ends with a concert from Morgan Evans—and, wait, I actually know this one! He’s a country singer married to Nashville It Girl Kelsea Ballerini.

Back at the hotel, I’m loving this Bachelorette horror movie montage that involves Chris sitting alone in his dark hotel room writing…things…while Jason and Connor gossip about how much he’s “changed.” When Leo gets back from his date with a rose in hand, Chris huffs out of the room without saying a word.

He stalks through the dark parking lots of Richmond complaining that Lincoln eats too many eggs in a day until he gets to Becca’s hotel down the street. She does her best to pretend like she’s not bothered by his surprise appearance, though we all know she’d rather have a hot bath and a face mask than hang out with the guy who looks like crazy Eddie. The conversation is tense and awkward, and it ends with Becca dumping Chris. It’s the best call she’s made all season. He reacts very Chris-like, whining about how he doesn’t need her to walk him out, and drags his ass back to the hotel to pack his bags.

He’s such a mood killer, in fact, that Becca decides to skip the cocktail party the next day and head straight to the rose ceremony. This leaves guys like Connor, who hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet, shook. But I’m shook by Becca’s gorgeous dress and old-timey car arrival. Stunnnnnning.

Anyway, roses go to Garrett, Blake, and Wills, and we say goodbye to Lincoln, Connor, and Connor’s glasses. Next week the crew heads to the Bahamas!

PS: I hope you stuck around to watch that kicker scene of Becca trading bad puns and Arie burns with “Abe” and “George” like, “It really warms my heart to know that you emancipated yourself from that Arie.”



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'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 5 Recap: These Guys Are All the Worst


Last week, I complained that Garrett and Lincoln’s pasts have cast a shadow of doubt on all the men this season of The Bachelorette. That feeling was completely verified tonight by Chris, a sweaty pocket square come to life.

As he threw tantrum after tantrum, both in front of Becca and behind her back, I wondered if any of these guys are worthy partners. Sure, some have bigger, scarier red flags than the others; but the few who do seem somewhat decent, like John or Blake, don’t get enough screen time to actually confirm whether they are good people or not. Only one stood out to me this week—Wills—but we’ll get to that. First, let’s break down what happened.

We’re in Las Vegas, and the guys have packed their best scoop-neck T-shirts for the occasion. Colton gets the first solo date of the week, and it’s a doozy: He meets Becca at the Virgin River for a “safari” which is really just riding camels in the desert while two less-than-enthused dusty dudes guide the animals. Colton seems…thrilled. This, uh, romantic journey leads them to a random hot tub the producers have lugged out into the middle of the camel pen.

Question: What do the camel guys do while these two dodos drink Chardonnay and make out in a hot tub? Sit in an air-conditioned van nearby? Feed the camels? Watch? TBH, I’m more invested in their afternoon than Becca and Colton’s conversation. I just don’t trust him after the whole Tia drama!

It must have gone well, though, because Becca wears her best sequined dress—and she has a lot of sequined dresses—to dinner that night.

“We were in the middle of the desert in a hot tub.” – Becca. “I know.” – Colton. RIVETING.

Colton shares his big sob story: He’s only said “I love you” once before, to a girlfriend who didn’t say it back and then broke up with him. That’s it? Seems contrived to me, but Becca gives him a rose.

The next day is a group date with Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. The fellas wonder where they’re headed, and Garrett hopes there’s some “banana hammock” action involved, to which I say: Oh hell no. Leave Magic Mike Live to the professionals, please.

Instead, the date is at the home of Mr. Vegas himself: Wayne Newton. But as he gave everyone a tour of his home, I realized I don’t know that much about Newton. So, I Googled for more. I wish I hadn’t because some of the first stories that came up were this and this. Sigh.

Anyway, the purpose of this date: The guys have to write a song for Becca. Bachelorette producers, we’ve already done this date this season! With Chris and Richard Marx! How could you forget?

Side note: The most exciting part about the group date is Wills’ floral two-piece set.

“Hey, hey, hey. I see you’ve found my favorite rock.” – Wayne Newton bonding with Chris

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

This is Wayne Newton’s favorite rock.

Chris is feeling confident because he’s already done this before. He’s so confident, in fact, that he jumps right into singing. Kudos to the editors for juxtaposing that with peacocks squawking in response. It doesn’t bode well for the big twist: The guys must perform their songs in front of a live audience that night.

When the performances roll around, even adorable matching tuxedos can’t help these dudes from butchering their songs. Not a one had talent, though I am impressed that they were all game to power through the humiliation. Chris does the best crowd work, mostly by insulting Arie.

“That was brutal. It was awful!” Jason perfectly sums up this date.

After, they get the entire T-Mobile Arena to themselves, which is both excessive and kinda awesome. Chris is unbothered that the other guys are getting alone time with Becca because he thinks his performance has made him “one of the top front runners,” apparently.

He should be a little bothered, though, because the other guys are making more progress. Especially Blake, who tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her. She responds by saying, “I like hearing that” and giving him the date rose—before she’s even talked to Chris. This gesture leaves Chris “shook.” So shook, that he spends the rest of the night whining about it and making empty threats that he’s going to pack his bags and leave. Dude, she’s good without you. Just go.

The next morning, we learn that Connor looks cute in glasses. Oh, and Jordan and David are going on the dreaded two-on-one date.

They get in a Jeep and off-road to their destination: a bed in the middle of “the Valley of Fire” with a VERY LARGE CRYSTAL next to the date rose. I don’t think there are enough large healing crystals in the world to smooth over David and Jordan’s hatred of each other. This suspicion is immediately proven by David, who wastes no time at all throwing Jordan under the bus to Becca.

Naturally, Becca doesn’t like to hear that Jordan might be “settling” for her, so she confronts him about it right away. Jordan denies all of it, of course, and stomps over to David to call him out.

“Love is the greatest power on Earth. Being me is my greatest power, do you get that? Being you isn’t your greatest power.” – Jordan

Both huff and puff until Becca tells them they’re acting like sixth graders, which is an insult to sixth graders. This still doesn’t stop David and Jordan from bickering so Becca finally calls it: David should go home. She’s going to continue the date with Jordan, but she’s not ready to give him a rose quite yet.

With that, Becca and Jordan drive away in the Jeep. David’s stuck out in the desert alone with no ride home, and I’m very concerned that a man who dresses in a chicken suit has the necessary survival skills to make it out of there alive with just a half-drunken bottle of champagne for sustenance.

Moving on: For their evening date Becca hopes she and Jordan can reach a deeper level of their relationship, but he spends most of it talking about himself. When he leans in for a kiss, Becca laughs it off. And shocker: She decides to send Jordan home too. She watches a romantic firework display, alone, as Jordan ponders why she dumped him. The men cheer as his bags get taken away.

The next night, at the cocktail party, Becca grabs Chris first to talk. She’s confused because he made literally no effort to see her during the group date, and she heard that he wants to leave. He doesn’t do himself any favors when they sit down and he “jokes” that she owes him, like, 50,000 kisses. When she confronts him, he gives bullshit excuses so stupid Becca eventually leaves because the conversation is going nowhere.

Note: Can we talk about how good Wills’ plaid suit is? He’s got the best fashion and nobody’s acknowledging it, so here I am acknowledging it.

After venting and crying to Colton and Garrett, Chris decides he’s not ready to give up—oh, so now you’re a man of action—and interrupts Wills’ conversation with Becca. He asks to steal her away, but Becca tells him no because she and Wills just sat down. Chris begs again. So, Wills—very calmly and sexily, I will add—tells Chris he’ll give him two minutes, but then he’s coming right back. Will walks away in his beautiful suit, waits the agreed upon two minutes, and then comes back. Chris whines and pleads, but Wills stands his ground. Why is Chris’ time any more important than his? If I were Becca, I’d be 100% team Wills. Chris, you are:

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Chris acts soooo put upon that Wills won’t give him five more minutes, but, Chris, that’s not the terms you agreed to! Eventually, Becca tells Chris that if he leaves she’ll find him later. He goes away and complains to everyone, but they all take Wills’ side. When Wills returns, he gives Chris a read: “I didn’t have to get up at all.” Smooth.

Becca finally comes back and takes Chris away—his third time with her tonight—so he can continue to grovel and say bullshit. As my husband says, “If you have to do this much explaining, you’re not in the right.”

Still, somehow, fucking Chris gets a rose. HOW. WHY. WHAT. Becca, I demand answers! The other roses go to: Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, and Connor (related: why is his shirt so deeply unbuttoned?).

That means sweet, sweet John is going home. I’ll miss you, John! Venmo me!

Next week: “She’s in a such a bad head state right now!” “Stop trying to snake your way out of this!”



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