If I found myself cringing every time some shirtless and bikini-clad contestant on Too Hot to Handle kissed, it wasn’t because of their awkward “banter” or even the fact that they were throwing away thousands of dollars for the privilege. It was undoubtedly because I watched the Netflixreality dating series deep into quarantine, where even the idea of shaking someone’s hand was already out of the question.
Despite the almost other-worldly effect this had on my viewing experience, there’s something inherently now and inevitable about this show. Centered around a group of 20-something hots, the Too Hot to Handle retreat is governed by an A.I. cone named LANA who puts the contestants through various challenges, sends them on dates, and punishes them if they fail to remain chaste: that means no kissing, no sex, and no masturbating if they want to win $100,000 at the end of the retreat. When any of the contestants breaks the rules (and yes, they do…a lot) she calls them out in front of everyone and brings the pot down based on the infraction.
“[A.I.] is literally everywhere around us. It’s kind of governing us, it’s taking over,” showrunner and executive producer Viki Kolar tells me over the phone on a group call with Jonno Richards, the show’s executive producer and managing director of Talkback, the production company behind Too Hot To Handle.
“You’re used to hearing A.I. in terms of algorithms and research and listening and advice,” Richards agrees. “It just sort of all kind of fitted together.”
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However, despite the LANA of it all, there’s actually not a lot of proven psychology behind the Too Hot to Handle method of building stronger, healthier relationships by abstaining from sex…but that was never really the main point of the series. In fact, the idea for this social experiment, as Richards repeatedly calls it, started from an episode of Seinfeld called “The Bet,” where each character competes to see if they can avoid masturbating. Spoiler alert: They all fail, not unlike some of Too Hot to Handle’s contestants.
“We wanted to do something that was funny while it was a reality show,” Richards says. “You put obstacles in people’s way and push their buttons in a way that could be comedic, but at the same time are trying to help them come together through that. A sort of romantic comedy, I guess, is what we’re trying to get to.” They definitely got the comedy part down. Aside from the relationships and friendships that form between this group of players—and there is at least one couple that becomes genuinely ship-worthy—this show is just damn funny.
I don’t know if it’s the number of times the word horny was said within each episode, the blinking, judgmental robot, or the socially stunted contestants that make the show so gleefully addictive. Every single confessional with Francesca, Harry, Haley, Matthew, Sharron, Rhonda, Chloe, Kelz, Nicole, and David borders on parody, making it clear they’re at least somewhat in on the joke and it’s okay to laugh. For example, Kolar tells me that Sharron wore a brace on his leg on the flight over to Mexico just to get through security faster. “He’s that type of person that comes up with insane kind of ways of just getting through life,” she says. “I was like, ‘I love him even more.’” Shockingly, you might find yourself rooting for these people too.
Still, maybe it’s narrator Desiree Burch that sets the show apart from similar reality TV series on Netflix and beyond. The voice-over non-host who seems to serve as the audience, chatting throughout the series as if she’s next to you on the couch, is honestly a great perk in the time of social distancing. She’s not always nice about the singles, but she’s always on point.
All I can truly say with conviction is that if Netflix has been using its own algorithm and data to build the most hilarious, binge-able reality dating show, they’ve succeeded with Too Hot to Handle and should probably stop now before they truly go off the rails.
We’ve all watched and read about plenty of kinky sex ideas (we’ll never forget you, Fifty Shades of Grey), but how many of us really take those desires beyond the books we read and into our bedrooms? If you’re looking to shake things up, there are plenty of ways to do it. From the tame to the wild, we’ve rounded up the 31 best kinky sex ideas to try out.
1. Take it to a mirror.
The next time things are heating up, whisper in your partner’s ear just how sexy they look—and suggest you get an even better view. Lead them to a mirror and lean yourself in front of it, allowing them to enter you from behind or reach around to stimulate your clitoris. You’ll get to watch them enjoy themselves, and they’ll get a view of you from the back and front. It’s also fun to lean a mirror next to your bed, so you can watch as you get it on from different positions.
2. Talk dirty.
Turn up the heat on your dirty talk by describing the sensations you’re feeling, giving gentle encouraging directions, and telling them what you want to do to them before you do it. You may also find that whispering about how a touch feels or being forward with what you want enhances what you’re experiencing in the moment.
3. Get icy.
We’re not talking about the old cliché of popping an ice cube in your mouth before giving oral sex. (Though if that does it for you, by all means go for it!) Ice cubes are the cheapest sex toy around, perfect for trailing over your partner’s body when things get steamy for a chillingly good sensation.
4. Send a racy text.
Be as brave as your vocabulary permits. You can send a simple, suggestive message—”I can’t wait to touch you tonight,” for example—or something more bold, such as a step-by-step guide to what you’ll do to them the second they walk through the door. Need ideas? We’ve got ’em.
5. Tie them up.
Maybe you’ve backed off the idea of bondage because buying handcuffs or other restraints is just too freaky for you. If that’s the case, try something a little more subtle, like a tie or scarf. Playfully wrap it around their wrists and secure them to a chair and go down on them. Or, if you want a more submissive role, ask your partner if they’d like to tie you to the headboard and have their way with you. We’re guessing you’re going to get a resounding yes.
7. Use a blindfold.
You can take that same tie and use it as a blindfold, shielding your partner’s eyes from your next moves, or taking away your own sight while he or she goes to town on your body. When you block off one sense, your body intensifies its others. Touch will feel extra electric and surprising.
7. Nibble and bite.
Nibbling and biting during sex is a sign of passion. It’s a little naughty and a lot hot—the perfect way to show how turned on you are. While you’re making out, test the waters to see if your partner is okay with a little teeth by gently nibbling on their lip. You can also gently drag your teeth over your partner’s shoulders in between sensual open-mouth kisses on their skin.
8. Try ultra-relaxing foreplay.
Two words for you: naked massage. In these stressful times, we could all use some extra TLC so offer your partner a sensual massage. For this you need nothing more than the lotion you already keep by your bedside—and to be prepared for things to heat up quickly.
9. Dress up.
If you’re living your days in sweats, dressing up right before you get naked can be a good way to get yourself in the mood. And why not try a uniform? If you’re looking to get out of a rut, dressing up as a doctor or French maid could be a fun experiment.
10. Spank them.
Spanking can be hot. That being said, it’s best not to give a whop out of nowhere that will just startle your partner and kill the moment. Next time you’re having that kind of passionate, animalistic sex, give them a light smack on the butt cheek with an open palm. If they seem into it, you can spank them a little harder. Studies have shown that arousal raises our pain threshold, so get after it!
11. Or pull their hair.
Don’t underestimate the appeal of a firm tug on your partner’s hair. The next time they’re going down on you, run your fingers through their hair and get a grip. Give it a gentle pull and see how they like it. The trick to making it feel good rather than hurt is to grab a bigger handful hair.
12. Get loud.
Don’t be afraid to express yourself. There’s an incredible freedom in vocalizing what you want and how good you’re feeling—and your lover is definitely going to be all ears.
13. Let your partner watch you masturbate.
This definitely requires some boldness but putting on a show by letting your significant other watch you pleasure yourself can be deeply empowering. Look straight into their eyes while you do it, and it won’t be long before they’re begging you to let them take over.
14. Drip hot oil on your partner with a massage candle.
Don’t be scared: massage candles are safe and will not burn you. They’re specifically formulated to heat up and turn into a sensuous oil that you can rub all over your partner (just not inside your partner—it’s not meant to be used as lube). After the candle turns to liquid oil, blow it out and it will stay liquefied for 30 minutes, which is plenty of time to gently drip it onto your partner and give them a spicy rubdown.
15. Leave the windows open.
Engage in a little light exhibition by leaving the blinds open or the window cracked, depending on how far you want to take it. The chance that someone could see you—or maybe just hear you—makes things all the more exciting.
16. Experiment with role play.
There’s a reason role play is one of the most common sex fantasies: It gives you a chance to let loose and act in a way that you wouldn’t necessarily behave ordinarily, and that’s incredibly freeing. Whether it’s boss and secretary, doctor and patient, student and professor, or anything else, role play is a harmless way to live out a fantasy and get kinky.
17. Play with sex toys.
Hit up a sex shop or online sex store and stock up on naughty goodies. From edible panties to vibrators, there are plenty of options that will spice things up and help you get your freak on. Not sure where to start without getting a bunch of creepy ads? We’ve got you.
18. Try new positions.
We all fall into routines, even when it comes to sex positions. Shake things up. Need some ideas? We’ve got plenty of suggestions for creative sex positions.
19. Don’t forget the pleasure of oral sex.
Sometimes we get to the main event way too quickly—oral sex can be a great way to slow things down and prioritize your pleasure.
20. Get steamy in the shower.
Start things off (and maybe even finish them) in the shower. Just be careful of slippage.
21. Have some strap-on fun.
Getting a strap on and penetrating your partner is a whole new experience that switches up the dynamic and can lead to some sex sessions you’ll never forget. If you’re into the idea, talk to your partner. As always, healthy open communication is key.
22. Get a sex pillow.
Sometimes angles can make all the difference. With a sex pillow, all kinds of new angles become available and the same-old, same-old suddenly feels anything but ordinary.
23. Make a home movie.
Smartphones make it easier than ever to make an x-rated home movie. Even if you watch it once and delete it, you’ll always have the experience in your memory. Just make sure to keep digital safety in mind—and make sure any content stays exclusively on your phone.
24. Have anal sex.
Add another entrée to the menu: anal sex. With the right preparation and mindset, taking things to the back can be the kinky sex idea you’ll thank god you tried.
25. Watch porn together.
If porn is something you enjoy, why not watch it with your partner? Chances are your attention will quickly turn to each other rather than the screen, and the moans coming from the background will keep the mood ultra sexy.
26. Get down in public.
Whether it’s an elevator, in an airplane, or in the back alley of a bar, there’s something inherently kinky about getting it on where you’re not supposed to. To fake the feeling at home, do it in front of the window.
27. Forego panties.
This is one of those simple but effective kinky sex ideas: Just forget to wear your underwear and casually mention it to your partner. Or, better yet, take them off in the bathroom at dinner and when you return the table, discreetly hand them to your partner with a sly smile. Check please.
28. Have sex on your period.
Period sex doesn’t have to be off-limits. In fact, there are plenty of benefits to having period sex—including increased lubrication and heightened sensitivity. If you’ve never tried it before, or are worried about a mess, start in the shower.
29. Lounge in lingerie.
Wearing underthings that make you feel confident and sexy is the ultimate self-turn on. Even if you’re wearing nothing but sweats around the house, slip on something that makes you ready for action underneath—it will be a sexy surprise for both of you.
30. Find pleasure in the fridge.
Bringing food into the bedroom can be oh so hot. Make an ice cream sundae, but rather than top your vanilla confection with hot sauce or whipped cream, rub a dab on your lips or neck and ask your lover to lick it off. As things heat up, paint some of your other erogenous zones with deliciousness they’ll lap up with pleasure.
31. Did someone say threesome?
This is definitely one of the more wild kinky sex ideas, but we’ve got to include threesomes. Adding another player into your bedroom games can be a memorable adventure—just make sure to communicate with all parties involved, be safe, and find the right person.
The remedy? Unplug from your devices and turn them off for some portion of the day. I recommend three device-free periods each day. That means the phone or computer is turned off or in another room. Not only will this give you a break from the drain of continuous partial attention, it can also help boost your mood—and your sex drive.
## 5. Try breathing exercises.
When you unplug from your devices, use that time to plug into your body. Scientists call this the relaxation response: how we can use our bodies to calm our minds. There are various ways to do this including focusing on the breath or a soothing sound or image. Any strategy that allows you to break the chain of everyday thought can help ramp up the calming ability of the autonomic nervous system, known as the parasympathetic response. This state is key to all sorts of bodily functions including digestion, healing, and most relevantly, sexual arousal.
A simple practice that can reduce our stress reactivity: Breathe in for a count of four, breathe out for a count of six. Repeat six times.
## 6. Use your words.
Getting what you want sexually can help increase both your active and responsive desire. If you’re really into nipple orgasms, but your partner has no idea they’re a thing, speak up. Taking a risk to ask for what we want can be scary, but it’s also the way to boost the ongoing sexual potential of our partnerships. And remember, it’s important to prioritize our own pleasure.
## 7. Understand your cycle.
For women, active desire tends to vary across the menstrual cycle, usually peaking at the time of ovulation. This is the time of the month when women are most likely to initiate sex. In fact, women tend to have 24% more sex during the days when they are fertile, even if they aren’t trying to get pregnant.
Understanding the natural fluctuations in your sex drive can help you boost it. If you were all over your partner last week but this week feel as though you’re in a desire desert, don’t panic. Instead, make time for activities that can help boost your responsive desire like tapping into what turns you on in life in general. Tuning into what makes us feel fully alive, engaged, excited, and enthusiastic about our lives beyond the bedroom can translate into a kind of erotic energy we can bring back to our sex lives.
## 8. Check your birth control.
Some women taking birth control pills experience a decrease in libido. If this is happening to you, consider speaking to your doctor about finding a non-hormonal method of birth control that doesn’t dampen your desire.
## 9. Masturbate.
We know that masturbating strengthens the neural connections between our genitals and the places in the brain that register sexual sensation and pleasure. (I should know since my lab mapped them). This practice will literally strengthen these pleasure pathways, making orgasms easier to access and even more potent.
There also appears to be a hormonal explanation for why self-pleasure can increase your sex drive with your partner. Masturbation can provide a short-term boost to our testosterone levels. And since testosterone is what drives the sex drive in both sexes, we can end up feeling more desire as a result.
## 10. Have more sex.
And the more sex we have, the more sex we usually want. Once we’ve had an experience, like having sex, it’s more likely to stay on our minds. This can prime us to be more attuned to our sexual selves.
##11. Don’t stress if you’re not feeling it.
Everyone’s desire curve is different. Some people have a high baseline level of active sexual desire, others don’t.
So, don’t worry if you don’t feel actively like having sex. Take advantage of when you do. And as the course of desire flows over the month, or the course of relationship, learn what works for you to jumpstart the engine of your responsive desire.
Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.
Living during an international health crisis brings up unexpected quandaries: Should you Lysol your bean cans? Is air safe? Can you have sex during the coronavirus pandemic?
The unprecedented health crisis has, in a few short weeks, upended life as we know it. For Americans, it started as just a few disturbing headlines, which quickly turned into handwashing guidelines, which escalated into the proliferation of the phrase “social distancing.” Now 23 states as well as many additional towns and counties—covering about 6 in 10 Americans, the New York Times estimates—have instructed people not to leave their homes, except for solo exercise and absolute necessities. On Thursday, March 27, officials reported that the United States has the highest number of confirmed cases of COVID-19—the disease caused by coronavirus—of any country.
Naturally, with all the time cooped up indoors, people are wondering, Can we still have sex? Well, let’s look at the facts:
Scientists know—and have told us repeatedly—that coronavirus is spread mostly person to person, mostly through respiratory droplets. That means: The fine mist that surrounds you when a tall person sneezes, the cool spritz of your fellow subway rider’s cough, the tiny drop of your spit that accidentally, horrifically, lands on the chin of the person you’re talking to at a cocktail party, that you both heroically try to ignore. Even if you don’t have a cough—or even if you have one but you’re really good at covering it!—when humans come into contact, we get spit and snot on each other. We have a habit of breathing on each other. And sadly, this is how scientists believe coronavirus is spread.
“You should avoid close contact—including sex—with anyone outside your household,” the New York Health Department wrote in recently released guidelines. “Kissing can easily pass COVID-19.”
Listen. Nothing pains me more than reporting that health officials are warning people off sweaty, spitty, in-person sex—or anything, sexual or otherwise, that brings people within feet of each other. One day, sex gods willing, the number of COVID-19 cases will significantly abate, and people will consensually spit, lick, and sensually cough on each other once again. Face touching will be foreplay. Sloppy kissing will become tinged with a feeling of erotic risk. Until that time, insofar as sex traditionally involves a person being less than six feet away from you, it may have to wait.
But what if the person in question is your partner, who perhaps sleeps in your bed, shares your meals, and sits less than one sneeze-length’s away from you throughout your eight daily Zoom calls? Or what if they’re a roommate who’s been giving you confusing need-to-pee feelings, and hasn’t been sick lately? Or what if you’re planning to break the six-feet rule and just need to know the safest way to do it? The New York Department of Health released an informative—and unintentionally, darkly funny—guideline on this topic.
The drama surrounding the Lizzie McGuire reboot, starring Hilary Duff, continues. Now, we may have a clue as to why the Disney+ show suddenly halted production back in January.
Fans of the original show, which ran on The Disney Channel from 2001-2004, were beyond thrilled when Duff announced that Lizzie was coming back during an event for Disney+ (the company’s new streaming platform) in August 2019. “The good news is, just like me and everybody who loved Lizzie and has grown up with her, Lizzie’s also grown up,” she said. “She’s older, she’s wiser, she has a much bigger shoe budget, which is super exciting. She has her dream job. She has kind of the perfect life right now.”
Details about the reboot soon trickled out and early clips were released, which only served to build the buzz. But then production was paused in January, and the original series creator, Terri Tinsky, stepped down as showrunner. “Fans have a sentimental attachment to Lizzie McGuire and high expectations for a new series,” a Disney spokesperson said. “After filming two episodes, we concluded that we need to move in a different creative direction and are putting a new lens on the series.” Rumors swirled that the reasoning was the show was not “family-friendly” enough for Disney+.
The Hollywood Reporter has seen the pilot script and reports that it “acknowledges the existence of sex with cheating as a central plot point,” which could lend credence to those rumors. “Our goal is to resume production and to tell an authentic story that connects to the millions who are emotionally invested in the character, and a new generation of viewers too,” a Disney+ spokesperson said, per THR.
In late February, Duff released a statement via her Instagram asking for the show to be moved to Hulu, which is also owned by Disney. “Was incredibly excited to launch Lizzie on D+ and my passion remains,” she wrote. “However, I feel a huge responsibility to honor the fans’ relationship with Lizzie who, like me, grew up seeing themselves in her. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone by limiting the realities of a 30-year-old’s journey to live under the ceiling of a PG rating.”
Who knows where Lizzie will land—but hopefully it will be somewhere the world can watch it.
Buckle up folks, we’re about to dive into a controversial sex question: how to squirt during sex? “Squirting,” more accurately known as female ejaculation (and sometimes called “shejaculate” by the Internet) remains one of the more highly debated and controversial topics in sex science to date. Many experts still debate whether female ejaculation even exists—in the year 2020 we still haven’t yet sorted out female sexual physiology.
Anything to do with female sexuality has, and continues to be, taboo in the strongest sense of the word. As a sex therapist turned neuroscientist, this is what fuels my work—and exactly what I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters. The truth is, we probably know just as much (if not more) about the composition of the fluids that flowed on the surface of Mars billions of years ago than we do about the nature of what is expelled by the human female during sex. How is that possible given references to female ejaculation date back to fourth century ancient Taoist texts?
We can partially blame the stigma. It’s certainly understandable that women might be too ashamed to admit that they ejaculate, never mind be willing to show up in a lab to be studied. But the result is that we remain so clueless about squirting that some medical professionals continue to insist that any fluid that leaks out of a woman during sex is urine—a result of incontinence.
Time to set the record straight.
What is squirting?
Let’s take a moment to distinguish between ejaculation (aka “squirting” during sex) and lubrication. Lubrication is a slippery substance secreted by the walls of the vagina when you’re aroused, while ejaculate is a watery fluid expelled during sexual stimulation or orgasm, through the urethra—the tube that transports urine from the bladder out of the body.
Experts aren’t entirely sure where the fluid comes from, but research indicates that the Skene’s glands, (also known as the paraurethral glands or “urethral sponge“) are involved. This tube of tissue wraps around the urethra and as arousal builds, the erectile compartments swell up like a bunch of grapes filled with fluid, according to Sheri Winston, author of Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure. Where does the fluid come from? It’s filtered out from the watery part of our blood plasma and combines with secretions similar in composition to those from the male prostate to make female ejaculate. It sounds strange but it’s just nature at work—in fact, It’s similar to how nursing mothers make breast milk, which also involves fluids filtered from the blood.
Because the science of squirting is woefully sparse, this is up for debate. Some experts still claim that the larger amounts of ejaculate involved in squirting—more than a teaspoonful or so—are urine and we don’t have sufficient studies to say for sure. Personally, based on what we know about the anatomy of the urethral sponge, I believe that women’s capacity to squirt larger quantities of fluid (not urine) will ultimately be validated scientifically.
Why do you squirt?
The short answer is that when fluids build up in the erectile tissue of the urethral sponge, they need to be released.
Some believe that the fluids expelled during sex may function to protect the urinary system from infection by cleansing the urethra during and after intercourse.
Can everyone squirt?
The International Society for Sexual Medicine asserts that ejaculation indeed is a “thing,” reported by 10-50% of women depending on how the question is asked. The volume of ejaculate can vary widely—ranging from small, barely noticeable amounts to gushing streams—so there is big variability in how women define and report their experience. Some experts believe that all women ejaculate but don’t know it as the fluid may flow backward into the bladder. So it’s completely possible that you’ve experienced squirting during sex and just not realized it.
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