Surprise! Bachelor alums Arie Luyendyk Jr. and Lauren Burnham are expecting their first child together, the couple exclusively revealed to Us Weekly on Wednesday (November 14).
Naturally, Arie and Lauren celebrated this news with a photo-shoot in which they made out all over a house (presumably their house) while holding a four-picture sonogram. It’s hard to tell if these photos are promoting their baby, their house, or their kissing, but I’m here for them, regardless.
One of the pics features the sonogram placed right next to a pair of driving gloves—because, remember Arie loves cars!—and a sketchbook. Does Lauren…draw? Was that ever discussed on The Bachelor, or was their entire season dominated by Arie making weird noises when he kisses and saying, “I love that” 6,000 times? Either way, this is going to be one happy race car-driving, dress-sketching baby! The world’s first-ever car and fashion enthusiast! See all the photos here.
“I kind of had a feeling that I might be pregnant. So my friend insisted on bringing a pregnancy test over,” Burnham tells Us Weekly. “Arie came out with the test in his hand and tears in his eyes. He was like, ‘You’re pregnant!’”
If you somehow forgot, Arie and Lauren were at the center of perhaps The Bachelor‘s biggest controversy in March when Arie decided to break up with Becca Kufrin, the woman he proposed to, to try things out with runner-up Lauren. Becca found her happily ever after, though, with the polarizing Garrett Yrigoyen on her season of The Bachelorette, and Lauren and Arie are slated to tie the knot in January 2019.
Arie says Lauren bought several pregnancy tests just to make sure she was expecting. “Lauren took all of them and they were all positive,” he says. “We weren’t trying, but we are so excited. It’s going to be a whole new chapter in our lives.”
I’m just going to spoil this week’s The Bachelorette from the top: Nothing on the show this week was as dramatic or disturbing as the controversy surrounding Garrett’s social media history that’s taking place off-screen. He’s canceled in my book, but Becca asked that we see this journey through—so, out of respect for her, let’s get right to the recap. Plus, on the bright side, there were several good Arie insults!
We open with Becca bopping around Los Angeles on a basket bicycle like she’s considering a career as a Zooey Deschanel celebrity impersonator—I mean, I could see it—and waiting for the first dates to begin. While she’s doing that, Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion with a date card and a piece of advice for the guys: If and when you get time with Becca, take advantage of it. With that, he reveals the first group date: Clay, Nick, Chris, David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. Jordan is not worried about his competition:
“Being a model, I beat good-looking guys all the time.” – Jordan, spewing nonsense.
The fellas head to a ranch to meet Becca, where she tells them that because she was pampered on her first date with Arie—a date I was very jealous of, by the way—she wants to do the same for these scrubs. She leads them to a room filled with champagne and fancy tuxedos, and the guys have no issue with immediately stripping down in front of Becca—and the cameras, of course. Jordan wastes no time using this opportunity to show off his one modeling move: “the pensive.”
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Now that they’re dressed in their finest, the group takes off to…a wedding-themed obstacle course. Rachel and Bryan are there and explain that the guys have to get “down and dirty” a.k.a. they’re going to trash these beautiful tuxedos. Why?!?!
The course goes like this: The men must strap a heavy ball onto their ankle—the ole ball and chain gag, har har—that they drag to the next event: cold feet. (You can guess what that involves.) After that, they have to climb a slippery slope to get to “Get Over Your Exes,” which requires crawling through mud to put a bouquet in a vase. That leads to a large wedding cake that they have to dig through using only their mouth to find an “engagement ring.” Once they have that, they race to the alter, where Becca is waiting. Got it?
If you don’t, Chris tells us all we need to know: Yes, there are professional athletes there, like Clay, and guys like Lincoln “who has a chiseled body” (tell me more, please), but maybe, just maybe smarts will win out on this one. TBD.
Once the race begins, the hardest part seems to be the “cold feet.” Bryan tells the dudes not to worry “about the shrinkage” in the cold water. Clay certainly isn’t—he’s calm and collected. Still, Lincoln is the first one out of the water. Chris thinks Lincoln cheated—and he’s not alone. David claims Lincoln pushed him out of the way as they raced to the alter. Lincoln’s not worried about the guys’ saltiness, though: You go all in for love, right? I get why the guys are annoyed, but I also don’t care because the stakes are so, so low.
Later that night, after everyone’s had a chance to clean up, there’s a cocktail party. Becca wears a STUH-UH-UNNING red pantsuit. Hot. Right away, Lincoln asks to if they can have some alone time, and this also pisses the guys off and oh my God what babies. You will get your time! Go enjoy your two-drinks-per-hour free booze and relax.
Anyway, Lincoln makes the most of his time with Becca by telling her that he feels like he can be himself around her. She rewards this with a framed “wedding” photo from his victory. He’s so excited, he asks if he can kiss her again now that they’re not covered in cake and mud. They make out, and then he brags about his new picture to the other guys. Connor deems this to be “childish.”
To be fair, Lincoln is being a little obnoxious—but not enough to warrant what happens next: Connor get so mad at Lincoln he takes the framed photo and tosses it across the room. Lincoln picks it up and puts it back on the table, flat, so Connor reacts by throwing it through a window into the pool. Uh, I’m with Lincoln so far on this. Is it because he’s very attractive? Possibly, but also Connor’s being a lil brat.
Jordan calls Connor’s move “epic,” which again tells me I’m on the right side of this. Lincoln, however, doesn’t fight back because he was “raised better.” He’s just bummed because he was looking forward to showing his mom the picture. (Uhhh, sure.)
Elsewhere, Jean Blanc and Becca cuddle under a blanket and bond. They make out.
The positive vibes don’t last for long: Lincoln tells Becca what happened with Connor and says he feels physically threatened. It’s a lame move for two reasons: One, being a tattle tale never ends up well on this franchise. And two, I don’t believe Lincoln, who is twice Connor’s side, is actually scared of this guy.
Still, Becca agrees that Connor’s reaction was aggressive, so she pulls him aside to talk about it. His excuse: “I just got rid of it.” She understands why it would be irritating to see that picture, but she wants a guy who can be respectful and handle himself well. Connor claims this side of himself “is not me” even though, uh, it is you because you literally just did it. Becca’s like, dude, it’s too early to behave like this.
Connor sits moodily in a dark room complaining that he’s lost his chance at the group date rose. And it’s true: That honor goes to Jean Blanc.
The next day, Lincoln CRIES while he tells the other men what happened. Apparently seeing the broken frame “broke his heart.” Some of the guys think these are crocodile tears—and Jordan even calls into question Lincoln’s accent. Jordan, if you want to hear a real fake accent, go watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
No time to unpack that further, though, because it’s time for Becca’s one-on-one date with Blake. She’s nervous because it’s her first big solo date since being engaged, so she lets Chris Harrison handle all the plans. Turns out, he can set up a pretty good date: Becca and Blake arrive at a warehouse filled with random things connected to Arie—a racing car, monitors playing his proposal, the actual damn couch he broke up with Becca on—and they get to destroy them all.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Even better: Lil Jon is randomly there to DJ and yell encouragements. I’d 1000% hire him to scream things like “you can do it, girl!” while he blasts “Turn Down for What.”
“Break those hearts like Arie broke yours!” – Lil Jon
That night, Becca and Blake go to somewhere called “Warwick” for a candlelit dinner. They talk, blah blah blah, and Blake tries to bond with Becca by saying he went through “a very similar situation.” No, he did not get broken up with on national TV by a DVD copy of Cars 3 come to life, but he did fall hard and fast for someone who broke his heart. So, yes, totally the same. Whatever, Becca gives him the rose and they kiss.
At the mansion, another card reveals that Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Christon, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton are getting a group date. That means Mike and….other guy….Jason! aren’t getting any date this week, meaning they’ll have to step it up at the rose ceremony.
Maybe it’s for the best though, because the group date is intense: They guys head to a school where three adorable but vicious kids make them run drills, scream insults, and throw 50 MPH dodgeballs at them. It’s great.
“Becca really dodged a bullet with that loser Arie last season.” – A savage kid.
“Trash! You think Becca wants trash?” This kid.
After this warm up, a twist is revealed: The guys will be competing in a dodgeball competition at Sky Zone. Even Fred Willard’s there to announce alongside Chris Harrison and shares this story: “You know, I don’t have much experience with dodgeball, but when I was in my younger years I spent a week at a nudist colony where they played volleyball in the nude. And when the whistle blew and those balls started flying, it was pure joy. I think we’re gonna have a lot of fun out here today.”
The guys are divided into two teams: pink versus green. Leo puts up a good fight for the pink team, but the green guys ultimately win. They get a trophy, and everyone gets to come to the after party. There, the first solo time of the night goes to Garrett—yuck—who leads Becca to a creepy dark pool room straight out of Swimfan to chat. “I feel like you’re the girl version of me,” he tells Becca.
Moving on: Becca’s bonding with all the guys—especially Wills, who gets emotional talking about his family. They end their convo with a make-out that he describes as “sultry and sweet.”
Meanwhile, Colton is nervous because—twist!—he had a relationship with Tia (Becca’s friend and fellow contestant from last season) before he came on the show. He tells Becca that, yes, he and Tia spent a weekend together, but it wasn’t enough to turn a “spark” into a “flame.” Becca doesn’t know how to feel about it, but it makes her feel a little bit sick. On the one hand she’s very attracted to him, but on the other this puts her in a weird position.
She’s thrown off by the whole thing, so she decides to end the night; before they go, Wills gets the group date rose.
The next day, Becca’s crying and feeling down about all the drama with Lincoln and Connor and Colton and Tia. She powers through it enough though to put on a gorgeous blue sequin dress for the rose ceremony. The guys put on their best behavior: Sweet, sweet Clay teaches her some football touchdown moves, which very smoothly transitions into a kiss. John wrote her a poem, and they kiss. Chris makes her laugh. Connor makes a picture of himself from the group date and has her take this “shit” and launch it into the pool. (“Changed man, look at that.”)
Not everyone’s behaving, though: Jordan wants to make an impression so he decides to do “more with less” and strips down to his undies.
“Nothing attracts a woman more than being comfortable next to a sexy man.” – Jordan.
Jordan interrupts David and Becca so he can sit next to hear and say nonsense things. Upset, David questions if Jordan’s there for the right reasons and confronts him about it. (“Are you more than a model? Is there any more to you?”) The fight is very stupid considering one guy was a chicken last week and the other is sitting there, nearly nude, while he clutches a fuzzy blanket.
“I wore my underwear, bro, that’s not me trying to get attention.” -Jordan. What is?
Becca has one last conversation with Colton about Tia, and it goes well enough that she gives him a rose. The other roses go to: Chris, Jason, John, Clay, Mike, Connor, Leo, David, Garrett, Nick, Ryan, Christon, Jordan, Lincoln, and Colton. (Don’t forget Jean Blanc, Wills, and Blake already had roses too.)
That means we’re saying goodbye to Alex, Rickey, and Trent. I’m looking forward to next week, which includes: Tia! “Attached to me is professionality!” “Hey, cheers to you being a bitch!” “This dude just looked like he got attacked by a bear!”
This guy just can’t stop popping up and shouting “I love that” at the worst times.
Following their shockingly brutal breakup on last season’s Bachelor, Becca Kufrin confirmed that her ex-fiancé, Arie Luyendyk Jr., will be appearing on her current season of The Bachelorette. The circumstances surrounding his impending arrival, though, are being kept under wraps by the reality TV overlords, but it’s safe to say the duo won’t be sipping champagne and gossiping about her new suitors.
“He will show up, yes,” Kufrin told Entertainment Tonight in a new interview. “We do have a conversation and you’ll just have to see that unfold. At that point it wasn’t emotional, it was just two adults sitting down, wishing each other the best and talking through our experiences. That was our last conversation we’ve had. I knew that would probably be the last time we had a conversation, and I wish him and Lauren the best.”
It’s only been a week, but Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette is already one of the franchise’s most dramatic yet—and controversial. If you’re not up to speed, reports surfaced that one of Kufrin’s suitors, Garrett Yrigoyen, has a history of “liking” offensive memes on Instagram. Kufrin broke her silence on the story earlier this week.
“I met 28 guys who our ideals weren’t always the same. They have different interests,” Kufrin explained in an interview earlier today. “I just want everyone to watch it back and to get to know these guys and to get to know me for who we really are and not social media, because that’s just a small glimpse into a person and it’s not always reflective of who they are.”
Arie Luyendyk Jr.Arie Luyendyk Jr.Arie Luyendyk Jr. Say his name three times, and welp, he’s still here. The Bachelor contestant of season 22, who earned—yes, earned—the scorn of millions following his shocking season-finale engagement-calling-off with who sure seemed like the Chosen Woman, Becca K.—and tells the show’s host about the breakup before he does the damn thing—only to then pivot to Lauren B. and propose to her.
We correctly labeled him as everyone’s ex-boyfriend—but just as The Bachelorette prepares to resume, as it has done and will do for centuries, on this blessed Memorial Day Monday, the man has snagged himself a GQ profile so he can explain things ~ in his own words ~.
You bet we wanted to read it. Here are the best bits from the profile, penned by Rebecca Nelson:
On Arie knowing he’d just stepped in it.
“Arie knew his actions would be ‘wildly unpopular,’ he tells me in between bites of an egg white omelet. Of course he knew. But he had to do it. He’d made the wrong decision, and his heart was elsewhere. What he can’t understand is why more people don’t see that he was just trying to do the right thing for everyone. Really, wasn’t that the brave thing to do? To admit you made a mistake and follow your heart to make it right?”
No. Not while there are cameras rolling.
On falling for Lauren B. while the cameras weren’t rolling.
“On the show, viewers didn’t see much of Arie and Lauren’s relationship, or for that matter, much of Lauren’s personality… That, Arie tells me, was all part of the producers’ storyline, and a product of selective editing. They painted her as the ‘pretty, quiet one,’ not the sweet, funny woman she actually is. It didn’t help that she was cripplingly camera-shy, virtually shutting down in front of the crew. To make her feel more comfortable, Arie asked the producers to film their interactions from farther away, or from behind, so they wouldn’t be as intrusive. It was during stolen moments, away from the cameras, that he says he fell for her.”
Even more happened, apparently, while the cameras weren’t rolling: They talked about Important Things Couples Need to Talk About, like career goals and family. (Nelson even interviewed his dad, who says he’s never seen his son “in love like this before.”) Also, Lauren B. seems really nice from Nelson’s account.
On Arie’s memory retention.
“He tends to remember critical moments in their relationship by what she was wearing, like when he dreamily recalls that she was ‘wearing all white’ on the night of their first kiss.”
But sometimes life’s most important moments happen when you’re wearing an oversized T-shirt and leggings with a gaping hole on the inner-thigh seam, right? (…Right?)
On how—brace yourself—he decided to end things with Becca.
Apparently he’d just had his final date with Becca, which ended at 3 A.M., and he got woken up at 7 A.M. Like all of us, Arie does not make his best decisions during ungodly hours.
“Even the morning he proposed, he was feeling conflicted. But there was a production schedule to adhere to—there were all the cameras, the crew, all the people who had flown down to Peru. The whole point of the show, what he’d hoped for at the outset, was an engagement. That 3-carat Neil Lane ring was burning a hole in his pocket.
So he proposed to Becca.
‘I felt like I was trying to be logical. I tried to think like, “Okay, I know who Becca is, and she’s a great person,”‘ he tells me over brunch. ‘In the moment, I felt like I was making the right choice.'”
On sliding into Lauren’s DMs.
“But he was haunted by the thought that he’d let his soulmate slip away. On New Years’ Eve, he DMed Lauren on Instagram—production wouldn’t give him her phone number—and asked if they could talk. He called her the next day. ‘As soon as I heard her voice,’ he tells me, ‘I knew that I had to end things with Becca.'”
According to Nelson, Arie went to the producers, who he claims were the ones who pitched bringing in the cameras. He says they told him that the viewers seeing him follow his heart and go back to Lauren B. would support him because he “did it for love.”
On betrayal, two times.
“You’ve got to understand, he tells me, these people were my friends. He’d just spent months with the crew. He trusted them. But now? He feels ‘100 percent’ betrayed.
Take the breakup with Becca, billed by the show as ‘the first completely unedited scene in reality television history.’ In the excruciating 40 minutes that aired, Becca repeatedly asks Arie to leave the house where—before he dumped her—they were supposed to be having a romantic getaway. Painfully, he sticks around, even knocking on the bathroom door as she cries to ask if she’s okay.”
On what actually went down.
“‘It was completely edited,’ Arie says. ‘I was told to stay on that couch. I tried to leave, and then production was like, “You need to go back inside. She’s finally calming down. I feel like you owe it to her to have this conversation.” So then I went back in the house.’
Really? You tried to leave and they wouldn’t let you?
‘Yeah. I left, came back. I stepped away from the couch, I went back to the couch.’ But they kept talking him into staying. ‘They cut out, obviously, production talking to me from 10 feet away,’ he says, and calling it unedited ‘was super unfair to me.’ (A spokesman for Warner Bros., which handles production for The Bachelor, declined to comment.)”
Of course, as Nelson points out, the Bachelor producers have so much footage that they can practically craft the storyline of the show however they want—it’s very, very creative nonfiction.
But.
But.
But then he wonders why people aren’t thanking him.
On people being ungrateful.
“So, he argues, why aren’t more people thanking him?” If he hadn’t filmed it, he argues, Becca would have “had to face uncomfortable questions about why they broke up on…After the Final Rose.” And she wouldn’t have been the next Bachelorette!
On the entire damn mess.
“‘I think if you look back at it now, it was positive for everyone. Everyone ended up getting closure and also an opportunity to be with the person that they were really meant to be with’—he with Lauren, and Becca with one of the twenty-odd suitors who will be vying for her affections come May 28. ‘I don’t understand why I’m the fall guy for filming the breakup on a television show which we all signed up to be on.'”
On overarching lessons.
“Maybe in a year or two or ten, Arie will recognize his role in the dumpster fire that was his season of The Bachelor. But he doesn’t deserve the entirety of our outrage. Like so many Bachelor villains before him, he was engineered by the show, warped and edited to fit neatly into a role. With every new season, viewers demand more: more sobbing, more heartbreak, more shocking twists. That thirst for drama essentially demanded that, at some point, an Arie would emerge. Arie may be the most hated man in America, but we created him.
And, anyway, what does he care? ‘The fact is, I’m really happy with Lauren,’ Arie says. ‘So for me, it was all worth it.'”
K.
Read the fantastic piece in all of its exceptional entirety here.
Greetings, Bachelor fans. Your regular recapper, Anna, wasn’t available to dish on tonight’s episode, so I’m filling in for her. I can’t guarantee I’ll be as funny, but she and I do share similar “meh” feelings for Arie, so rest assured I’m bringing the shade. Let’s dive right in.
The whole crew is in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida which, according to Arie, is “an amazing place to fall in love.” He’s saying this while driving some lame sports car, though, so forgive me if I don’t believe him. Kendall, the taxidermist, wants a one-on-one, but I’m fairly confident she’d have more fun dating one of her stuffed bears than Arie. Tia also wants a one-on-one, but the more these girls talk about Arie the more apparent it is they’re all too good for him. Krystal’s wearing a rainbow crop top and looks like a member of B*Witched.
It’s Chelsea, though, who has the first one-on-one. They go on a boat, which is the most Florida date I can imagine. (No shade to you, Florida—boats are a welcome break from all the cars.)
“I’m going to be with Arie. Uninterrupted Arie time. It’s amazing.” — Chelsea, lying.
Lauren B’s annoyed she wasn’t picked for the one-on-one date, but her complaining is interrupted by Queen Maquel, who’s just returned from her grandfather’s funeral. All the other women can somehow see Chelsea and Arie on their date through a telescope, so they’re basically scientists.
Chelsea and Arie are doing lots of Fun Boat Things, like jet-skiing and posing like they’re on the Titanic and straddling each other. Oh, and making out. A lot. The telescope spies are grossed out, as am I. As is America. They stop creeping and go inside, probably to complain more about not getting one-on-ones. (Don’t these women realize the best part of this gig is getting to hang out in a luxury resort without Arie?!)
“I’m on a dream boat, but I’m also with a dream boat.” — Chelsea, repeating words that a producer no-doubt fed her.
Chelsea wears a pantsuit on her dinner date with Arie, which is groundbreaking feminism for this show. He takes her to an antique car shop. (So typical.) He says some empty, vacant stuff about respecting the fact Chelsea’s taking time away from her son to be there.
Chelsea then starts opening up about her previous relationship. Her child’s father was older and had money—but he left Chelsea for another woman when she was six months pregnant. She talks about how much she loves her son, and it’s honestly touching. Then, she laments about how she didn’t need to be on a fancy boat to enjoy time with Arie, which we all know is a big ‘ole lie. Their date did the magic, though, because Chelsea’s offered a rose. Cue dancing to a random country artist no one’s ever heard of. (Update: Said country singer’s name is Tenille Arts.)
Maquel, Krystal, Bekah M., Becca K., Jenna, Seinne, Kendall, Ashley, Marikh, Jacqueline, and Lauren B. are picked for the next group date, which means Tia (a.k.a Raven reincarnated) is getting the one-on-one. I low-key stan Tia; I hope she gets some serious spon-con coins after this show wraps.
The group date is at a bowling alley, which would be cute if this wasn’t The Bachelor. Like, these women deserve a way more opulent excursion if they’re hanging with Arie. Maybe I’d be down with this date if Hot Peter was the suitor. Marikh bowls using both hands, which I identify with on a spiritual level.
All the gals start drinking beer and dancing around the alley. They’re divided into two teams for a bowling competition, and only the winning group gets to go to the after party. Krystal literally prays that her team wins because of course she does.
After a montage of bowling scenes, Krystal’s team wins and she’s an annoying sore champion about it. The girls on the losing team are more pissed about Krystal winning than actually losing. Naturally, they start talking crap about her.
But plot twist: Arie decides to invite all the women to the after party, which enrages Krystal because she doesn’t want to “fight for his attention.” She refuses to carry her team’s winning trophy because of this, which is all kinds of petty but also pretty iconic. She’s literally having a fit over BOWLING.
“We’re, um, kicking ass.” — Krystal being Krystal.
After the commercial break, we learn Krystal apparently had a full-on meltdown on the bus from the bowling alley to the hotel, during which she repeatedly called Arie a liar for changing his mind about inviting the losing team to the after party. She says she’s not going to the after party now because he was “disrespectful” to the winning team. Y’all, she literally has her bags packed over this nonsense, but thank God, Kendall (goddess of taxidermy) calls her out for being rude about Arie. This. Is. Nuts.
The girls go to the after party—without Krystal. They waste no time spilling all the tea to Arie, telling him how Krystal called him a liar on the bus. He then leaves to go talk to Krystal, which obviously pisses the girls off. They keep talking shit.
“I’m looking for a parternship. I’m looking for someone who I trust…I want someone to include me in decisions.” — Krystal, on bowling-gate.
Arie and Krystal have a long, awkward hug before she starts talking about how she and her teammates were “disrespected.” They have a super-heated disagreement about the whole bowling thing, and I can’t really follow their conversation because I can’t believe this is even a problem. Like, this is over a bowling game. Arie ultimately leaves Krystal in her hotel and goes back to other women.
Kendall steals Arie first and starts talking about how she wants to “let go.” They start making out within one minute, which is typical Arie. Bekah M. and Arie have an empty conversation about “fears” and “doubts” and being “vulnerable” that also ends with them making out. Arie’s still unsure about Bekah M.’s age, but I’m unsure about Arie’s hair, which is more of a pressing concern.
Arie tells Becca K. that she needs to “kiss the hell out of him,” which sounds more gross than romantic. But honestly, who cares about their dull storyline because Krystal goes rogue and attends the after party as all the other girls are talking smack about her. Ahhh! Bekah M. is shook (and so am I even though this is so heavily produced)!
It’s dead silence when Krystal arrives. Becca K rolls her eyes. Seinne’s like, “WTF are you still doing here?” Lauren B.’s like, “What are your intentions?” Bekah M. has no time for this, though, and lays into Krystal about how she’s doing exactly what Arie did by saying she’s not attending the party and then going back on her word. This causes Krystal to leave before even seeing Arie, so she totally just did this to stir the pot.
Lauren B. tells Arie during their one-on-one time that she’s afraid she’s going to fall for him and he won’t reciprocate. It’s cute. I’m honestly amazed how good these women are at pretending to like him. They kiss. He gives Lauren B. the group date rose. Becca K.’s pissed.
Now, onto Tia’s one-on-one. They’re at the Everglades National Park, which I’m sure is nice, but I can’t stop thinking about all the alligators probably lurking around.
Update: They see an alligator, and it starts hissing at Arie and Tia, which is proof you should never go outside ever. Arie says this reminds him that “love can be kind of scary,” which I’m audibly laughing at. Dude, there was an alligator five feet from you!
They roll up at a house in the middle of the Everglades, eat fried food, and talk about “frogging.” This is all very tailored to the fact Tia is from Arkansas, and I don’t know if that’s offensive or not. They kiss and cuddle; Arie makes a weird metaphor about his race car driving helmet that I’m just going to blaze past.
“”I feel like this is a really country date for a country girl.” — Arie, being cringe-y.
On their dinner date, Arie and Tia have typical, standard conversation about marriage and falling in love. Arie’s sweating his butt off, and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt bad for him. The conversation then changes to religion, and Tia says she’s open to dating someone who’s not religious even though she is. Honestly, I can’t stop looking at the sweat shine on Arie’s forehead. Florida, man.
But wait! Tia then tells Arie she’s falling in love with him, and he tells her to “look him in the eyes” and say it to him again. WTF?! He’s the worst! He offers her a rose, and she takes it. And then they have a sweaty Florida make-out session. Humidity! It’s sexy!
Cut to the final cocktail hour: Krystal says she has “no regrets” about her actions, and none of the girls respond. They just give her a stank face. I’m honestly cackling because this is just so bananas. I’m more invested in Kendall’s time with Arie, though, because she low-key admits to being open to cannibalism. What an icon.
“I wouldn’t eat you. I swear!” — Kendall to Arie.
Ugh, all these girls just keep. Talking. About. Krystal. This is just dumb and ridiculous, but Krystal adds fuel to the fire by saying she’d “love” to chat with them privately about their issues with her. Kendall goes up to bat first and straight-up says that Arie isn’t the right person for Krystal. Tia then joins in and says Krystal needs to take ownership of her actions. This is just so much bickering…it’s not even funny or entertaining at this point.
Arie and Jacqueline have a quick makeout session, but we quickly pan to Bekah M., who asks Krystal, point-blank, why she’s still there. Krystal brings up the bowling drama again, and Bekah M. dips out at that point because she realizes there’s no hope in reaching a resolution. Krystal then says the other girls don’t “operate” on her level and claims she’s “done” with them.
Krystal then pulls Arie aside and says her response to the bowling drama was “out of character.” She says she “grew up in a bowling alley” (???) and was having flashbacks to her childhood during that date. LOL, what is she even saying?! She jokes about how this is their “first fight,” and Arie quips that it could be their “last.” Oof. This is the first time Arie’s doofy smile was nowhere to be found in a scene, so you know things are capital-S Serious.
“I lost my shit! I was pissed! Who doesn’t get mad and say shit?” — Krystal.
All the women’s voiceovers during the final rose ceremony are about Krystal. They all want her to go home, which is solid evidence she’s not.
Yup, I’m right: Krystal gets the last rose of the night, and Marikh, Ashley, and Maquel are sent home. The fact Maquel is getting penalized for her grandfather dying is some next-level nonsense. Everyone’s seething, but Krystal’s smiling like a Disney villain. Muhaha!
“If the girls thought I was a threat before; watch out ladies! ” — Krystal.
Parting thoughts: Everyone’s going to Paris next week, so you know what that means: More smack-talk about Krystal! In Europe!
First off, I am actively rooting for you, as you are one of the coolest contestants to ever be on The Bachelor. But I’ve found that this season and, for lack of a better word, the “storyline” the producers have given you feel very familiar to me. So I wouldn’t call what I want to tell you advice, per se—I don’t claim to know it all, nor do I think my experiences are superior to anybody else’s—but I, and likely many other women, have been in your position. We dated an Arie; we knew him; we cried over him; we sent texts we regret to him (arguably, the only benefit to not having a phone on The Bachelor). And by “an Arie,” I mean the type of man to pull the age card.
Arie views age in a really weird dichotomous way. He fetishizes young women (there is no one above 29 left—he’s 36). He’s also expressed to you that you’re so young, and he is so old, because he likes to get up early. There’s nothing worse when you’re 22, 23, or 24—or any age, really—than being told you’re “so young” and then mansplained how you can’t appreciate things like mornings or marriage. Who are these men to tell you what you can or cannot appreciate? Equally awful is when a prospective partner tries to tell you how to “view” something in order to be “accepted” by him—like this sport, be a “chill” girl, the whole “mold your dream to mine!” logic. The Bachelor enforces the twisted idea that women should shape-shift in order to meet the needs of some lonely man. One of the reasons you’ve emerged a fan favorite is because you clearly subvert those tropes that have been heavily pushed for nearly 16 years; you’re not going to change yourself for Arie.
But the age card is a particularly touchy, irritating, and frustrating thing. It’s literally something you can’t control. When an older guy (as in, older than you, not just, like, Old), uses his age as leverage against you, he likely does it because it makes him feel powerful and authoritative and therefore, somehow right, no matter how gravely wrong he is. Sometimes men do this because they’re intimidated by women and feel that using a concrete number is the only way they can retain power. Sometimes they do it because they want to be in control. It’s an infuriating dynamic.
I know this frustration too well because I’ve been told before that I was so young. In one instance I think it was meant to be an insult, but I found that a ridiculous thing to criticize me for—it wasn’t anything but a fact. You got it, man; how observant and good at calendars you are—I was born later than you! It was tiring to hear it all the time, like my age was something I should be apologizing for, when I had zero control over when I exited my mother’s womb.
Some of these men saw my age as a synonym for disposable—like Arie, they thought they could make the call if I was relationship-ready, which is unnerving. I also remember drunkenly sobbing over these guys, asking why?! Why couldn’t I be anything more? Why was the fact that I was “so young” (even if I was just approximately four years younger than they were) such a deal breaker? Were they right?! They couldn’t be! I was different! I’m independent, I said, I know what I’m doing, I’m mature, I pay rent, I don’t live with my parents…what else do you want from me? To alternate the way the space-time continuum works? And even if I was young, I could be his muse, and if he let me go, the thought of me would haunt his spirit forever because I changed him.
But for all of the songs I wrote while I was writhing in pain, there was one thing I couldn’t see then that I totally see now—and that any woman who has yearned for a man who rejected her can likely see: They weren’t good for me. Actually, they weren’t that great at all. It had nothing to do with their age—not all guys who are older are bad—but someone who pulls the age card is special type of loser. Men who like to tell women they’re young will likely never get over that very normal fact and will always keep saying it; they’ll love that false rush of power they get from pointing it out. That kind of man wouldn’t have been much fun to be in a relationship with. After all, he’s the same guy who makes us feel bad for being the very thing that we are and have no control over. The person who pushes us to spill our emotions in monologue form to “convince” him that we’re right for him.
My point is, Bekah M., that you’re too good for him, or any man like that. You deserve better than someone who mansplains time to you. I said I was “rooting for you,” and by that I mean, I hope you don’t end up with Arie. So if he eliminates this you week, don’t think of it as being eliminated. Think of it as being freed from the trappings of his toxic masculinity and his loud smacking kisses! Also, here is my humble plea for you to come back as The Bachelorette at your discretion.
Sincerely,
Mallory, a Person Who Has Certainly Given Monologues About Her Feelings And Has No Regrets
