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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 4A Recap: Finally, the Dean-Kristina-Danielle Love Triangle Is Dunzo


Only three episodes of Bachelor in Paradise are left, and the question on everyone’s mind is: How does Amanda’s makeup stay on in the pool? Amanda, tell us your secret!

As for the rest of the Paradisers, most of them are coupled up—but Dean is still figuring out his feelings for Kristina and D-Lo. It’s too bad these nice young people can’t figure it out. They’re all so tan and have fake teeth; you’d think they’d be happy! Kristina feels disrespected by Dean’s relationship with D-Lo and isn’t gonna put up with it anymore. Or maybe she is? She’s mostly just frowning. Dean is kicking himself for throwing a good thing away. Did he learn nothing from Rachel and Peter?

Look, I get that Kristina is kind of a fun suck, but the whole “emotional girl versus hot girl” question just makes no sense to me in this case because…Kristina is very beautiful. Am I wrong? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here.

“Don’t ask me to be patient while you’re locking legs, lips, arms,
whatever else.” – Kristina

Meanwhile, Jasmine got a rose last week from Matt, who then left, so now she’s on the prowl for someone to give her rose to and has basically set her sights on stealing Jonathan (Tickle Monster) from Christen, which seems massively unfair. Like, Jasmine literally just jumps on him in the pool and kisses him.

Into this mix they toss Blake from Rachel’s season, the guy who hated Lucas (Whaboom) and also…actually, that’s it, that was his whole thing. He’s sweating a bunch and has a date card no one seems interested in. Blake likes both D-Lo and Kristina, which is kinda perfect—if he can take one of those girls from Dean, hey, two birds one stone. Or they could become a polyamorous foursome! Blake asks for advice from Raven, who is basically like, “Just be nice and normal and don’t talk about Whaboom.” So, naturally, that’s the only thing he talks about with Jasmine. And Christen. And Kristina.

“You should hope Blake takes your girl because then she’ll appreciate
you more.” – Diggy to Dean

Blake decides Kristina is The One, and she again compares her experience on Bachelor in Paradise to her experience in an orphanage (“When I was in an orphanage all I wanted was to get picked … but I don’t want to get picked for this date.”) I understand that probably was the producers’ idea, but it still bothers me. Kristina, that was an orphanage in Russia; this is a beach resort in Mexico. You’re fine. Anyway, she turns Blake down.

“I had very low expectations for Blake, and he lived up to them.” –
Kristina

Another new addition: Fred from Rachel’s season, the super intense guy who went to elementary school with Rachel. It feels awfully late in the game for these guys to find love, but Fred has the distinct advantage of being, well, hella fine. He and Dominique hit it off.

Jasmine narrates the situation while playing with Raven’s hair, like a couple of preening cats or mermaids or something. Blake asks Christen for a conversation and though he puts his whole foot in his mouth, he doesn’t actually choke on it, so she says yes. Five points to Christen for storing her lip gloss in her bikini top.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

Jack Stone is sad about potentially losing Christen, even though I completely forgot that they ever had a thing. He punches Robby in the crotch because men and their feelings.

Jack Stone angrily listens to his headphones and works out with a resistance band, while a rumor spreads around the beach that he’s a bad kisser. Jasmine, martyr that she is, volunteers to run a kiss clinic with Raven. Jack is not into it…until they do shots. He kisses Jasmine with tongue (“Jack Stone doesn’t kiss with no tongue”) and soon the word spreads: Jack’s a good kisser. So then he gets D-Lo and Raven and D-Lo again and Jasmine again. Good for you, Murder Face!

CHRISTEN WHITNEY

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

On the double date, Dominique, Fred, Blake, and Christen ride a tricked-out speedboat that makes Christen seasick. Dominique, on the other hand, is dancing up a mountain and zip-lining down. While Dominique and Fred play on the inflatable blob (I don’t know that the name of the thing is, but in Heavyweights they call it The Blob, so, it’s a blob), Blake and Christen deal with Christen’s eye contact.

Back at the beach, Chris Harrison appears with good news (for the guys, at least): no more new arrivals! Except, of course, for the Messiah, who may arrive at any time. Oh, and there are more date cards coming and a rose ceremony that night.

ROBBY HAYES, AMANDA STANTON

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

The date card goes to…Robby and Amanda! They go to a fair with games and rides, it’s cute, and Robby says he’s a “sucker” for family, which is good because Amanda has kids. Robby’s all, “I’m falling for you” and Amanda’s all “mahna mahna”, and they kiss under fireworks.

Later, at the cocktail party, Daniel and Lacey are both so weird and pale and awkward and kind of terrible that it really, really works. Ben lost Raven to Adam and feels like it’s pointless to stay, so he leaves to return to his one true love: his dog Zeus. Soulmates should be together! Diggy has to find a way to get back with Dominique before she potentially gives Fred her rose, so he pulls her aside to play a get-to-know-you-better game, Digging Deep with Diggy. On the question “hug or kiss?” Dominique chooses hug, so that does not bode well for Diggy. She asks him his questions back, he chooses kiss, they kiss, and he may have saved it?

At the bar, Wells tells Christen the story of why her nickname is “Scallop Fingers” (a story too stupid to even repeat here), and she takes it about as well as could be expected. Which is to say, she’s not entertained but she doesn’t have a breakdown about it. Then she legitimately has a full conversation with Daniel about seafood, but mostly about scallops. Let’s remember that Christen is, somehow, currently the most sought-after girl in Paradise.

To win her favor, Blake procures…scallops. Greasy scallops for her to eat with her hands. She dutifully eat the scallops and nods at the things Blake says and then he kisses her and my brain is kinda melting. Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a scallop-slide, no escape from reality. I miss Alexis.

Jonathan pulls Christen aside to be like, “pick me” and then kiss her far too tenderly. Then Jack Stone pulls Christen aside and like, fuck! What! What? What.

What is going on. Why is Christen the hottest shit?

“How did this happen?” – Christen and the rest of America

Here’s my question about Tickle Monster: What kind of “doctor” can up and leave for six weeks to go fuck on a beach?

Wearing a questionable beaded bra over a white top, D-Lo confronts Dean about his indecision. Add in the tan capri slacks and you have a Teen Choice Awards red carpet outfit from 2002. I actually missed what she and Dean talked about because I was coming up with that #sick #fashion #burn.

After, Dean grabs a patiently waiting (and very chic) Kristina. Kristina, who is 25, calls D-Lo, who is 27, “not even a woman. A girl.” A reality TV relationship should not be this difficult, Kristina. Know when to take the L…

Kristina goes to Raven to shit talk (and slut shame) D-Lo, but Raven is very reasonable in this discussion and tries to de-escalate the tension and call out Kristina’s misplaced anger. So Kristina decides to be mad at Raven, too.

“Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?” – Wells
to Kristina

At the rose ceremony, Lacey gives her rose to Daniel, Taylor gives her rose to Derek, Amanda gives her rose to Robby, Raven gives her rose to Adam, Dominique give her rose to…Diggy! (“No way!” – my friend Adrienne next to me on the couch), Jasmine gives her rose to Tickle Monster, Christen gives her rose to Jack Stone, Kristina gives her rose to…no one! She leaves. But not before Dean chivalrously walks her out, gives her a hug, says he hates himself (yeesh), and apologizes. D-Lo gives her rose to Dean.

So the two guys who just showed up are going home. They flew all the way to Mexico and got sent right back. On a totally unrelated note, call your senator and tell them not to let Trump repeal DACA.

Parting Thoughts: THANK GOODNESS FOR NO CLIFFHANGER!



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 3B Recap: Corinne Speaks


It’s another split episode of Bachelor in Paradise: an hour of fun on the beach, followed by an interview with Corinne Olympios about the scandal that caused the production shutdown earlier this season. Corinne addressed the controversy this morning on Good Morning America, explaining that, due to a combination of prescription medication and alcohol, she didn’t remember the events that caused a producer to lodge a complaint and shut down the show; however, after viewing the footage, she doesn’t have negative feelings toward DeMario Jackson, the man involved. Her claim that she was “a victim” was about the media.

It’s a messy situation that I wish the show had addressed in full before the season started, allowing the rest of the season to just be about fun in the sun—but instead it’s been sort of dragged out over the weeks, presumably for ratings. Hopefully tonight will be the last time Bachelor in Paradise uses the shutdown to create drama. (DeMario addressed the issue in an interview with Chris Harrison last week.)

But before we get to all that, let’s go back to the beach, where, as you may remember from last night’s episode, the guys have the roses, Matt left, and someone named Daniel just arrived.

Lacey immediately jumps onto Daniel who, we quickly learn, has ripped abs and is Canadian. He cracks a joke about Trump’s border wall, and now I’m just thinking about how, if I were on that show, I would be going after Daniel to get that Canadian citizenship-by-marriage. Lacey comes on to him pretty strong (“I’ve been waiting for you”), and Daniel refers to the remaining single women as “leftover scraps” so, pretty gross, eh? He rejected her like a cold Tim Horton’s or a glaze that wasn’t maple or a hockey that wasn’t…a moose…? I’ve never been to Canada.

Because he showed up “fashionably late,” Daniel compares himself to Beyoncé, which is heretical, in my book…

…and then mentions that an upside of dating virginal Christen would be that she is STD-free which, two things:

  1. Do we know exactly what Christen means by virgin? You can get an STD even if you never go P-in-V.

  2. Are you allergic to condoms?

OK so I don’t like Daniel, despite his access to a country that isn’t run by Donald Trump. He gives Lacey his rose. Jack Stone gives his rose to Christen.

THEN MATT COMES BACK to give his rose to “someone who deserves it” and help a girl stay on the show even though he’s leaving. He gives it to Jasmine, who rolls her eyes and accepts it with a salty “sure.” Derek gives his rose to Taylor, Robby to Amanda, Diggy to Dominique, Adam to Raven (not Sarah!), Dean to Kristina (over D. Lo), and Ben presents the final rose to D. Lo, meaning that Sarah and Alexis are going home.

WHAT JUSTICE IS THERE IF ALEXIS GOES HOME? SHE’S THE BEST ONE? ARE ALL THESE MEN DUMB?

Later in a bungalow, Kristina dares Dean to get a boner using only his mind. It’s profoundly weird.

The next morning, men in Luchador masks come running in and drag everyone out of bed, which feels both unnecessary and racially insensitive, especially since Christen repeatedly refers to them as “sumo wrestlers.” They give Daniel a date card that Lacey decides is for her. Then Daniel says some things. Things like:

“I’m here to date a girl. I’m here to maybe sleep with a girl? I mean,
I’m a guy, I like sex. I’m not here to be friends with these girls, I
can be friends with girls back home.” – Daniel

And:

“The last time I had a date was when Caitlyn Jenner was a man.” –
Daniel

And:

“I don’t wanna pour all my chickens into one egg and let it hatch into
a dinosaur or something.” – Daniel

So, those are things Daniel said.

At one point Kristina says, “You’re walking around with your date card, I see,” but due to her accent I heard “date card” as “dick hard” and was so confused. The date card does, indeed, go to Lacey. On their date, Lacey and Daniel go full GLOW and wrestle for a dozen or so assembled Mexicans who were, I hope, compensated for their time. They have the Best Time Ever.

Jonathan, the affable but un-self-aware “Tickle Monster” from Rachel’s season, arrives at Paradise with a date card in (tickle-ready) hand. All the guys from Rachel’s season literally refer to him as “Tickle” like it’s his name, but they seem happy to see him. We also learn that his real profession is “doctor” and he has met Ellen DeGeneres, so, point Tickle Dude. He and Christen make out. Well, they don’t make out. They exchange exactly one kiss. Then he gives her a date card and tickles her. On their date, T.M. impresses Christen with tales from the trade: He delivers babies and then takes care of them and he also surfs. Christen turns into the heart-eyes emoji. Eating this up by the spoonful. Well, by the handful. She’s still eating everything with her hands, and then with the tiny plastic hands the show gave her. Tickle Monster is an Innocent Boy. Not a monster. A Tickle Puppy. They’re good together because they’re both kinda 16 on the inside. When they return, Jack Stone pulls Christen aside and they make out and now Jonathan is a Tickle Madster

Dean is torn between Kristina (smart, sensitive, kind, invested, emotional) and D. Lo (hot, fun, attractive, hot, good-looking, feisty, also she’s hot). Poor Dean. Robby refers to the two women in question as “cars” that Dean is “test driving,” so now Robby’s on my shit list. Kristina finds it very “disrespectful” that, well, Dean and D. Lo probably banged. Where do we all fall on Deantina versus Dean Lo, the couple names I just made up?

“Right now, I think the orphanage was better than Paradise” – Kristina
being really friggin’ dramatic.

Lacey is literally sitting on Daniel’s lap while they make out when Jasmine decides to steal him for a second. If Lacey were smart. she would go to bed and make it clear that if you leave her, you don’t get her back—but instead she glowers at them from her perch above the beach, like the Count of Monte Cristo or something.

The next part of the recap is about the “studio edition” conversations between Chris Harrison, a handful of contestants, and Corinne Olympios, who will speak about the sexual assault allegations that briefly shut down the show. If you are upset or made uncomfortable by the discussion of these topics, please consider skipping the rest of the recap. And if you or someone you know is a dealing with trauma as the result of a sexual assault, call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

Here to hang are Wells, Alexis, Amanda and Raven. Wells is like, “Yeah, who knows if I will date Danielle” and Amanda is like, “Meep moop meep meep,” and Raven is like, “If Sarah tries to take Adam away from me, I will cut a bitch, ha ha,” and makes some jokes about spoons and ALEXIS DOESN’T GET AN ANECDOTE EVEN THOUGH SHE IS THE BEST ONE?

(I love you, Alexis.)

Jasmine returns to confront Matt. They have zero new information.

Finally, Corinne appears. For those who didn’t watch Nick’s season, Corinne is a blunt, highly amusing, and probably harmless rich girl from Florida. She should have been the star of this season of Bachelor in Paradise, but instead, here we are. She smiles in a spunky white dress, considerably less confident than when she gave a similar studio audience bowls of cheesy pasta, but she is, in her words, “better.” Corinne explains that because she was drinking on a medication that (she realized later) shouldn’t be combined with alcohol, she doesn’t actually remember the events of that first day on Paradise. Looking back, she doesn’t feel that DeMario did anything wrong, and understands that he did not understand she was “mentally checked-out,” and it’s “no one’s fault.” It was an “unfortunate situation” that “really sucks.” She teared during a few points of the interview.

After talking a little more about how hard this situation was for DeMario, Corinne thanks the audience and her supporters. Then there’s a preview of the rest of the season. Good Lord, I hope it’s fun.

“Parting Thoughts: We’ll never know the full story of what happened, and we don’t have the right to. All that matters is that Olympios is satisfied with the outcome of the investigation.”



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 3A Recap: Love Triangles, Fights, and a Shocking Departure


Well friends, it’s a Monday night, and you know what that means: I’m on my couch with a Diet Coke and a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head (and NOT the Taylor Swift song you’re thinking of!) ready to recap the nonsense that is Bachelor in Paradise. But first, a query: What if the theme song to this program were Green Day’s “Welcome To Paradise?” Would that change the viewing experience? Please discuss in your reading groups; this will be an essay question on the final at end of term.

As you may remember from last week, Danielle M. left the beach to de-worm orphans in Somalia provide healthcare to children in Africa, even though she shared a steamy kiss with bartender Wells. New blood on the beach threw all the couples into a tailspin, but mostly Lacey. Everyone loves Matt. Ben is obsessed with his dog. No one is allowed to wear sunglasses on camera.

This week, the guys have the roses to give, so uncoupled women are scrambling to find men. Much like the beginning of Pride and Prejudice! Alexis and Raven invent a game that’s basically a blind-folded taste test with a sexy twist, confirming my suspicion that Alexis is actually funny. The blindfolded guy in question is Jack Stone, who is really endearing during the game and it’s literally because he’s blindfolded. When he can’t look at the camera/women in a creepy way, he’s maybe charming? He’s…a pair of stylish eyewear away from likability?

Jasmine asks Matt for a massage and when he declines to give her one, she mounts him.

Christen, who is 26 and from Nick’s season, shows up. She’s an adult virgin, following in the footsteps of Queen Elizabeth.

Matt is attracted to Christen but Jasmine, Queen Bee of Paradise, already marked her territory, so that’s…her man! Would love to hear Christen and Jasmine break into a drunken rendition of Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over Matt, if ABC can get the rights. Jasmine warns Matt “thou shalt not date Christen” and makes some sexual comment that gets bleeped out because this show about drunken adults having sex on the beach is, what, family programming?

Sidebar: Where the hell is Christen from? She has an accent that veers from Valley Girl to Tennessee-Southern to Boston over the course of a sentence, and her name is spelled like that name should not be spelled.

BUT THEN as Christen is applying makeup, Jasmine barges in to confront her and Christen savvily is like, “well HE came on to ME, so that’s why I liked him the most of all the boys” and then Jasmine is like, “Do you, go on your date, but like, I am clocking your moves” and the moral here is that Jasmine is pretty drunk. So then Raven tells Christen, you know, this is more about Matt, and Christen cries, and Jasmine monologues to Alexis on the beach and Jasmine calls Christen “slimy and sneaky” and a “slimy-ass bitch.”

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

On their date, Matt and Christen share chocolate-covered bananas so, Insert Arrested Development Banana Stand Joke Here. Alexis tells a story about how one time, on the way to a club, Christen ate scallops in a car. Wells then re-tells that story, mockingly, and then Jasmine and Amanda also re-tell that story; basically, Christen is Scallop Girl now; her reputation has been sullied forever. Honestly, if the worst people can say about you is that you eat dumb snacks in a car, you’re probably OK, Christen.

Commercial sidebar: Jessica Chastain is so GD compelling I might have to buy whatever perfume she’s selling because I wanna smell like her.

That night, Jasmine continues to complain about Christen and Matt, which hurts her in two respects: 1) She’s giving Matt the upper hand in their relationship because she’s clearly more invested than he is, and 2) She’s pretty much guaranteeing that if she and Matt do split, none of the other guys currently on the beach will have anything to do with her after seeing this clingy side of her. True to form, the moment Matt appears, she climbs onto him and smothers him with un-sexy kisses.

Christen eats shrimp with her fingers for dinner, and this is hysterical to Amanda and Sarah because it reminds them of the earlier scallop anecdote. These girls have the dumbest sense of humor on the plane; like, I get it: not everyone is a comedian, but y’all need to come up with better jokes. I swear to gahh.

DANIELLE LOMBARD

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

It’s Game Night in Paradise, so they are playing Scattergories—well, everyone except for Robby, who is setting up a romantic night with Amanda by putting glow sticks in a hot tub. Amanda tactfully swerves his advances.

Sarah pulls Adam aside to be like, “Um, so hey, no pressure, but, like, do you like me? Like ugh, I know I’m not like, some other kind of way, but like, can you please like me?” And Adam’s like, “I’m figuring it out.”

Dean is still weighing D. Lo vs. Kristina, much to Kristina’s accented chagrin.

The only two people not having a terrible night? Derek and Taylor, the show’s most stable and longest-lasting couple of the season. Then out of nowhere they decide to stop kissing and start talking about their issues and get super mad at each other. Derek says “f-ck you,” possibly sarcastically, and Taylor literally says that she’s triggered and goes and cries on the beach.

They go to the hot tub to talk about Derek’s language and how it hurt Taylor. Even though it seems like he could easily fix this by saying, “I’m sorry, baby, I was an asshole and didn’t mean it,” he instead says nothing and Taylor talks about her emotions. She says she needs time. I feel like there’s definitely more to this story than we are seeing.

In the morning, Taylor lets it be known that her emotional piggy bank is empty. Empty! Her emotional piggy bank!

AMANDA STANTON, ROBBY HAYES

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like “A spooky surprise is coming your way!” I’m not sure why one of the rose-less girls doesn’t just bite the bullet and kiss Robby because Amanda won’t. Adam is somehow the grand prize in this catfight, sought after by both Raven and Sarah. Diggy, too, is caught between beautiful ladies: Lacey and Dominique. Lacey is “very disappointed” in Diggy, who is happy to use Dominique to get the hell away from Lacey. LACEY! GO MAKE OUT WITH ROBBY! HE IS WIDE OPEN!

KRISTINA SCHULMAN, DEAN UNGLERT

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

I don’t know why Kristina is so obsessed with Dean? I mean, I do know, he’s Dean, but they don’t seem on the same page. She’s all in and he’s…all in with her and with D. Lo.

Amanda and Robby continue their quasi-romantic friendship until Robby KISSES AMANDA. Good for them. I don’t personally care, but far be it from me to tell you not to.

For some reason, the powers that be decided Wells’ humor would be improved with the addition of a cheerleader hand puppet he can use to have pretend conversations with the women on the show. To his credit, he does not even attempt ventriloquism. To his non-credit, it’s not very funny.

Taylor sits Derek down to talk about The F-ck You Incident and how he was emotionally reactive. The two main issues here are Taylor’s tendency to become her own couples counselor and being triggered due to her past emotional abuse. Which is all, sadly, very real! They have a real relationship. They actually care about each other!

Matt and Christen have a heart-to-heart, and Matt basically tells her that his rose is going to Jasmine. And then Jasmine and Matt have a heart-to-heart and Matt tells her that he wants to go home. And then he leaves! Boy bye?

TAYLOR NOLAN, CHRISTEN WHITNEY

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

While Christen is crying, Jasmine wastes no time in locking down her backup plan: Jack Stone. I mean, Jasmine cries too, but she flirts her way through it. But then “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” Christen wises up and, uh, strongly hints to Jack Stone that he could potentially be the man to, uh, do the deed. They make out!

Then, Chris Harrison comes back and introduces their “new arrival,” Daniel. I don’t know this person.

Parting Thoughts: Corinne-terview tomorrow. Also: Why is Bachelor in Paradise two nights a week?



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'Game of Thrones' Season 7 Episode 6 Recap: A Major Fan Theory About Daenerys' Dragons Was Just Confirmed


Quick Q: You’re stranded on a deserted island (more of a small rock than an island) with water all around you. The water is covered in a thin layer of ice that may or may not hold your weight. Oh, you’re also trapped on all sides by an army of undead soldiers. Who would you choose to take with you?

If you didn’t answer Jorah, Tormund, Beric, and Jon Snow…well, you’re wrong. The big action on Game of Thrones this week took place north of the wall and it covered air, land, and sea. So, let’s dive into this extra long episode, shall we?

Let’s start with the fact that things were never going to be great for our merry band of misfits adventuring north of the wall in this episode. We open on them trekking and bonding; Gendry has never seen snow, Tormund reveals how Wildlings keep warm up there, and Beric defends selling Gendry to Melisandre. It would be endearing if we weren’t over here waiting to find out what will go wrong during this misguided expedition—but we don’t have to wait long.

The crew is caught in the winds of winter (not George R.R. Martin’s unreleased sixth book, unfortunately). Visibility is about zero, except they spot that a black blob in the distance is a bear, and Gendry is able to see that the bear has the blue eyes of the dead. That is some good eyesight. They don’t have much time to ponder before a group of undead bears descends. It’s not quite the enemy we expected for this crew, and we meet our first casualty: RIP, Thoros. Your ability to resurrect the dead will not be forgotten.

The group moves on and spots their first two-legged White Walkers near the arrowhead-shaped mountain The Hound saw in his vision. It’s a small traveling group. Team human baits them with a fire. Ultimately, Jon’s Valyrian steel sword is able to defeat most of the group of White Walkers by taking out the leader, which is a pretty nifty fact we learned during this struggle.

Jon dispatches Gendry to Eastwatch to send a Raven to Daenerys (he makes it back to the wall in bad shape, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Gendry has had his fill of snow). The rest of the team essentially has no choice but to forge ahead. The men wrangle their undead loot to bring back to Cersei, and a thundery noise from behind lets us know that the terrifyingly large army of mobilized White Walkers is upon them. Their choice becomes clear: death by ice cold water from the frozen lake in front of them or death by violent undead humans behind (and also in front and on the sides). They opt against certain death on the ice lake and make it to the tiny rock island in the middle, surrounded. It seems like they’re SOL until the weight of the walker army cracks the ice and and large numbers begin to plunge through, which gives pause to the hundreds left on shore. The two sides are caught in a sort of standoff/staring contest and our men don’t seem to have a plan. After a chilly night stranded in the middle of the lake, The Hound kills time by throwing a rock at a jaw-less skeleton man, which provokes him to shuffle over to rock island now that the lake is re-frozen over. His emboldened, undead friends follow—and the epic penultimate episode clash really begins.

Down south, things are a little calmer (and warmer). Before the raven from Eastwatch arrives at Dragonstone, Dany talks to Tyrion about how heroes don’t interest her (heroes do stupid things, then they die), nor does the petty one-upsmanship of men who try to win her heart—and she uses Jon’s quest as an example. Tyrion echoes Jon from a few episodes before talking about being a different kind of ruler and taking things slower and less violent to avoid a “brittle” power. He’s thinking about the long term and who can succeed her as a ruler. Dany is done thinking it seems, and she blames Tyrion’s long-term planning for their early losses. She wants to get on the throne and be part of the action, and she’s fed up with Tyrion giving her shoddy counsel and worrying about old Lannister loyalties. She gets Gendry’s raven, and, if anything, Tyrion’s suggestions and talk push her to take to the skies. He pleas for her to stay and do nothing, which she’s not interested in doing again. This time she flies in a super-chic winter coat version of her go-to look, and with all three of her dragons.

Back north, where she’s headed, the plausibility of the small group of men holding off this giant army for as long as they did is weak at best. Still, we’re cheering for the good guys here, so it was nice to see them prevail. There’s minimal carnage on the living side (as in no major characters die after Thoros), and just when the tables start to turn, we get our first real taste of what’s truly a song of ice and fire. Dany comes in and warms things up with some fire breath, taking out a lot of the army in the process. I had been wondering if dragons were all-weather animals. The answer is a resounding yes.

The crew is about to make a great escape with the team on dragonback, but Jon has to play the martyr and fight off every leftover skeleton coming his way. That leaves enough time for the Night King to whip out his premium version of Cersei’s dragon spear crossbow completely undetected. He nails one of the dragons circling overhead right in the chest like an Olympic javelin thrower (I’m unclear as to which one it was). We now know of something that can definitely kill dragons. This death was a hard one to watch, even for the characters on screen, right down to the slow, tortured slide into the water.

The Night King is ready to lock and load again as Jon considers facing him. He takes one for the team by telling Dany to GTFO. He doesn’t reach the Night King, but he DOES get mauled by a couple of undead soldiers and knocked into the freezing water. Things don’t look great for our King in the North, but you heard Beric: There’s a reason the God of Fire brought him back, and it wasn’t to just die by drowning at the hands of two white walkers. Dany and friends manage to miss the next ice spear as they fly away, almost at the expense of Jorah. The army of the dead begins to retreat and Jon somehow emerges from the lake next to his sword, his wet clothes freezing fast. More walkers are headed his way and things don’t look good. That is, until he’s saved in the eleventh hour once again when his Uncle Benjen comes in on horseback swinging his fire ball chain thingy. He sends Jon and the horse back to the wall, but doesn’t join and save himself because there’s “no time” (which was a little confusing, two people could definitely have gotten on that horse). Jon arrives at the wall much like Gendry, alive, but barely. Nothing a little Ikea rug can’t fix.

When Jon comes to, Dany is at his bedside and she’s been crying. Jon feels awful about her dead dragon (but she’s crying about YOU Jon, duh), and she explains how they’re her children and the two have ~ a moment ~. Hand holding, staring, and nicknaming is involved. They kept it PG, though the show is fully teasing us now, even if Jon is “too little for her.” I can’t say I’m mad about it, even though I maybe should be because we should not be encouraging aunt/nephew relations.

Anyway, Dany can no longer deny Jon’s warnings about the army of the dead. She saw it with her own eyes and agrees they will team up to fight this shared enemy whether he bends the knee or not. She is out for blood…or whatever is going through the Night King’s veins after his savage takedown of her dragon child. Jon knows the way to Daenerys’s heart and calls her queen. So, they both got what they wanted and gave what they thought they wouldn’t. Cute.

A massive white walker battle isn’t the only drama we saw up north this week. We got some icy scenes in Winterfell, and I’m not just talking about the weather. We first see Arya reflecting on a happy moment from childhood, when she got to practice archery with Bran’s bow “against the rules” while Ned watched on and encouraged her (remember those season one days?). It would be sweet if she didn’t have an ulterior motive. She doesn’t wait long to bring up the letter she found to Sansa and insists on reciting the traitorous piece of parchment back to her. Sansa is visibly upset, but Arya truly doesn’t care and cuts her down pretty badly. She’s Ned’s daughter, and she can’t understand a world where a Stark wouldn’t rather die than write a letter turning on her family. They argue about who had it worse in their long journeys back home and shared suffering isn’t enough to bridge the gap between their differences.

PHOTO: HBO

Sansa retreats to the counsel of Littlefinger, who likely has her where he wants her, which is seeing Arya as a stranger. He reminds her Brienne is here to protect both her and her sister and plants a very dangerous idea by casually mentioning the two Stark women harming each other. With this conversation in mind, Sansa sends Brienne away in her place when she receives a summons by Cersei. She will not face the woman who caused her so much suffering. Instead, she’ll send arguably her only completely loyal ally in her place. Brienne protests—she doesn’t trust Littlefinger. Sansa makes it very clear she doesn’t need looking after. We’ll see about that.

Littlefinger’s words still in her mind, she sneaks into Arya’s room like a true sibling. She goes for her sister’s luggage under the bed and finds F***ING FACES INSIDE. Sansa is, understandably, freaked out. Arya sees her sister snoop and is happy to explain the world of the Many-Faced God and the Game of Faces. Sansa is now officially terrified by what both of her only living (real) siblings have become. Arya teases Sansa about wearing her face and becoming “someone else,” a.k.a. Sansa. She picks up her new fancy Valyrian steel knife but instead of attacking her sister she hands it to her and walks out, leaving Sansa petrified.

We end the episode where we began: north of the wall. The army of the dead have found big ass chains somewhere to recover the dragon from the depths of the frozen lake. Once he’s back on solid ground, our Night King graces the dragon with his magic touch, and we get an echo of this season’s poster images: a single blue eye as it becomes a zombie dragon. This is a game changer and one of the show’s biggest cliffhangers (and a popular fan theory). There’s no known precedent for an undead dragon and what type of fire (or ice) it might breathe. It would seem that in addition to a fatal ice spear, the living dragons now have another looming threat. Let’s cling to the hope that even in death, Dany’s dragon might stay loyal to its mother. I have a feeling we’ll find out whether or not that’s true the hard way.

And some things we can’t forget:

-MVP for this episode go to those badass fire swords. Imagine if every battle on this show had those?!

-The moment between Jorah and Jon about Jon’s sword Longclaw was so nice. Jorah’s father meant so much to Jon way back when, and it’s a nice gesture for Jon to offer the sword that’s been synonymous with him to it’s “rightful owner.” It’s hard to argue with family lineage, but I’m happy to see the sword stay in Jon’s possession. It’s basically an extra limb for him at this point.

-Arya has some girl power moments this episode. Her angry talks with Sansa are heavy with identity themes, and when she’s recounting her archery story, about how the rules said she couldn’t shoot and be a knight, she says, “the rules were wrong.” Later, she returns to this thought in her room with Sansa and says, “The world doesn’t let girls just decide what they’re going to be.” Arya was the right person to say these quotes, but that doesn’t meant they don’t apply to both women in the conversations. Sansa followed the rules, and they weren’t right for her either. She definitely didn’t get to choose what happened to her.

-Is Jon so sad about Dany’s dragon because of the dragon friend he made last week that might have stirred up some Targaryen feels? TBD. Beric also mentioned that Jon doesn’t look like Ned. This whole season basically has been ‘Will Jon Find Out Who He Really Is Watch 2017’.

-Speaking of Beric, his “death is the enemy” conversation with Jon is a pretty great double meaning for this episode/season/show. So is his “we’ll all be right behind him unless the Lord of Light is kind enough to send us a bit of fire” eulogy to Thoros, which was actually major foreshadowing.

-Am I expected to believe that Jon survived a winter wind storm, a very physical fight with an army of dead men, a fall into a frozen lake, a fast ride on horseback through the frozen north of the wall, almost dying of cold, and his man bun stays in place? Can we get a hair tie recommendation from this guy?

-For the zillionth time this season, I got major Harry Potter vibes from the battle. Remember when Harry and Dumbledore go into the cave in book six and have to fight of a lake full of bewitched corpses with fire after Harry is dragged under? Sound familiar?

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-Also, when Jon kills the white walker leader it felt like this moment from the last movie:

-It’s 2017 and we don’t have high speed air travel, but Dany has the best transportation in Westeros. Can we get a dragon please?

Miss our other Game of Thrones recaps from this season? Check out:



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 1B Recap: The Cast Addresses the Corinne-DeMario Controversy


There are three parts to tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise: the wedding of Carly and Evan, a discussion of the situation that caused the production shutdown, and then a normal segment of the show. If you are upset by the discussion of an alleged sexual assault, I urge you to think carefully before watching this episode (if you haven’t already) or reading that part of this recap. Your mental health is much more important than knowing what happens on this episode. If you are currently struggling in the aftermath of a sexual assault, you can call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-4673.

Part 1: Carly and Evan Getting Married

balayage

Thankfully, the wedding special kicks off with a recap of who TF Carly and Evan are, since I missed their seasons. Carly is a singer who cried on the beach. Evan is “in the business of erectile dysfunction” and fought with someone named Chad. Carly’s eyebrows are, uh, ambitious, in their quest to dominate her face.

Apparently Evan FAKED HIS OWN DEATH to get Carly’s attention, which is…I mean, I’m sure he was doing it as a joke, but that’s a terrifying tactic—to make someone think that you will die if they leave you. He proposed by asking, “Will you freakin’ marry me?” but, sadly, did not proceed to do a kickflip and ollie away.

Now there’s a montage of couples of old; we’re throwing it all the way back to Trista and Ryan, the only good couple to come out of this franchise, TBH.

(I just checked Twitter, and for the first time since I started recapping, the show is not trending in my feed during the episode. Hmm, I wonder what happened today that people want to talk about instead?)

Nick and Vanessa (from The Bachelor, not Nick and Vanessa Lachey) arrive at the wedding, looking as unenthused as ever. I notice that one of Carly’s bridesmaids is pregnant. And then I realize that it’s Jade, at whose wedding Nick and Liz had sex. And now I’m furiously Googling, “How much info can the brain hold?” because if mine gets any fuller with Bach info I’m scared what may happen.

“He’s a weird, crazy, quirky, wonderful, deep, compassionate person” –
Carly about Evan

No shade, but Ashley I. kinda looks like if Emily Ratajkowski did her makeup drunk.

Wells, our BiP bartender.

Some stuff that’s happening at this wedding: aggressive flower crowns, a wooden recorder, Evan crying, a lotta unbuttoned shirts on the menfolk.

“You look so beautiful. I love you.” – Evan to Carly

I have nothing catty to say about their vows. They love each other! They get each other! They make each other laugh! Carly makes a Friends reference (“you’re my lobster”)!

A Mexican shaman and his wife arrive to perform a ritual marriage ceremony. I wish we had more context for this. It’s great to learn about other cultures’ wedding traditions, but it feels a little random thrown in for 10 seconds? I’d like to understand the significance of the smoke and the feathers.

One of the twins says that Carly got her “happily Evan after.” That pretty much sums it up.

Part 2: The Corinne-DeMario Debrief

Paradisers return.

We’re headed to Paradise, sans Corinne and DeMario. The narrative has skipped through last week’s cliffhanger and the days of the shutdown; we’re back in the cabanas with the remaining contestants. But first, Chris is conducting a group…chat-sesh? “A serious talk,” he says.

Chris says (paraphrased): Warner Brothers hired a firm, they looked at the footage and talked to everyone, and they concluded nothing bad happened between cast members.

The contestants essentially agree. The consensus here is that the controversy was blown out of proportion; the media misunderstood what the producers do; and no one did anything wrong. Derek explains that the producers don’t manipulate or “puppet-master” the contestants. Taylor points out that she doesn’t drink alcohol and has never been pressured to drink by the production.

Diggy brings up the racial aspect: DeMario is a black man who will now be forever linked to unseemly allegations. Chris asks the cast if they think race “played a part in this” (what is “this”?), and some of them nod and solemnly say “yes.” Then we cut to commercial.

Here, I’d like to reiterate what I said in my recap of last night’s episode: We don’t know what happened, and we don’t need to know. We are not entitled to more information about what transpired between Corinne and DeMario.

Even if none of the alleged incidents crossed the line in this case, we do know that there are, definitely, many, many women and people of all genders out there who have been hurt by sexual assault, and one and effective way to support them is to process our country’s massive backlog of untested rape kits. You can learn how to support that effort here.

Aaaaaand we’re back. To talk more about race. Raven and Jasmine speak eloquently about how black men are often unfairly punished for interacting with (or even existing near) white women. They also state that they did not slut-shame Corinne—but then they go in on Corinne’s statement, calling it vague and from a lawyer. Danielle even says that she claimed to be “a victim” to “save face.” Raven brings up her own sexual assault in an abusive relationship and hopes that “this” doesn’t deter “actual victims” from coming forward (hmmm).

Now we’re doing Consent 101: verbal consent is best, nonverbal consent also exists (but please try to get the verbal one), and you have to have consent throughout. An unconscious person cannot give consent; a too-drunk person cannot give consent. All true!

Last week, I wanted the show to take a moment to talk about consent. I’m glad they did, though this cursory overview feels inadequate. At the same time, if your consent education is entirely comprised of points brought up on Bachelor In Paradise, you need to educate yourself (and also, I’m not surprised, because the American education system does a lousy job of teaching this).

Part 3: Back to Paradise

Well, they didn’t fly all the way back to Mexico just to talk about race and then go home again, so the contestants unanimously agree that Paradise is BACK ON. With Lacey!

In gender-segregated groups, everyone recaps who they like and how they think the roses will play out. Apparently, Dean and Kristina went on a road trip during the production shutdown. Taylor cries. She was definitely the type of kid who would go to slumber parties but then have her mom pick her up right before everyone went to sleep so that she could wake up in her own bed.

meh.

“Every action that I’ve made so far has been in pursuit of a rose with
her.” – Alex

Maybe they’re being given an unfair edit, but Alex and Amanda seem like two of the most boring people on the show. Alex says “de-conflicting” which is not a word. Apparently Amanda has two children. Huh!

This is what Amanda makes me think of:

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Alex pulls Amanda aside to more or less beg her for/pressure her into giving him a rose. And she’s like, “it’s a friendship rose.”

Lacey is wandering around being annoyed that she doesn’t have a guy. (Me AF.)

Our apparent leader, Raven, leads the group down to Taylor and Derek to present them with their date card.

Lacey is crying.

Derek and Taylor go on a candlelit “Dia De Los Muertos”-themed dinner date…even though that holiday is in October.

Dean and Kristina (Deantina?) cuddle. It rains.

Derek and Taylor spend the night together.

Jasmine cries because she wants to party and Matt wants to sleep.

Dean and Kristina have a weird, tense talk.

This show is putting me to sleep.

With minutes left in the episode, some unseen guy arrives. There is no rose ceremony. The “this season” promo is expectedly crazy; the highlight is definitely Taylor talking about her “emotional piggy bank.” Dean cries!

Parting Thoughts: Next week’s episode is on Tuesday because of football.



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