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Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 6 Recap: Goodbye, Kenny


I asked for Bachelor in Paradise to tone down the Colton and Tia drama, and the show delivered. So, I’m going to push my luck and make another request: More of Astrid, please! She was on fire tonight with the commentary—and, oh man, there’s a lot to comment on. Let’s get right to it, shall we? Spoilers ahead!

The episode starts with David giving a rundown of all the couples: Tia and Colton, Krystal and The Goose, Kevin and Astrid, and Kenny and Annaliese are all a thing; the love triangles are between Kendall, Joe, and Leo and Jenna, Jordan, and Benoit. As for the latter, Benoit, my sexy poutine, is completely smitten with Jenna, and Jordan’s not going to stop him from pursuing it. Surprisingly, Jordan isn’t sweating this one, though. He’s being so mature…oh, wait, he just saw Jenna and Benoit making out on the beach and is LIVID. He can’t even handle watching Benoit throw a frisbee at Jenna without swearing and pouting.

Krystal and Chris, meanwhile, are lying around on a dirty beach pillow talking about Krystal’s butt. In other words, they’re thisclose to falling in love. Astrid describes their chemistry as “two aliens from a different planet, but they’re from the same planet.” It’s an observation so spot-on, I’m wondering why we haven’t seen more of her commentary this season? Bachelor producers, get on it!

She also gives the best line of the episode—”Let’s find out whose life is getting ruined today!”—as Connor enters paradise. He’s got his eye on Krystal and lucky for him, he’s capital-T her Type. She gives him the look I usually only reserve for pizza and Benoit:

But when Connor takes Krystal aside for a chat, she says she’s really into Chris so he should use his date card on somebody more open. Connor thanks her for the heads up, and Krystal runs off to tell Chris what happened. He’s so happy, he can’t help telling everyone that Krystal shut Connor down for him. But twist! Connor tells Krystal he’s still interested in taking her on the date regardless, and she says yes. When she breaks the news to Chris, he reacts the better than expected: by saying absolutely nothing.

Krystal puts on her fanciest bikini for the date, which has been billed as a “mystical adventure.” Turns out, that means a custom prayer that involves burying them in sand while they channel their inner spirit animal. After, they make out in the ocean. Not sure that was the end goal of the prayer, but OK!

Back at the villa, Jordan and Jenna have a heart-to-heart talk. He admits he doesn’t handle emotions well, but he wants to improve because he’s scared he’ll lose her. This is enough for Jenna to be like, “Benoit, who?” She ostensibly then heads off to break up with Benoit…but kisses him instead. Jordan sees this, so he confronts Benoit. It, surprise, goes nowhere; Jordan yells and slaps his hands on the ground, Benoit throws a couple curse words around. Neither come out of it looking great, but who does in a love triangle?

In other news, Kenny reveals he’s leaving paradise because he doesn’t want to miss his daughter’s dance recital. THIS IS WHY KENNY IS THE BEST. He tells Annaliese first, and makes it clear he’s not leaving because of her. He really liked their connection, but he needs to be at home with his daughter. Ugh, so sweet. So pure. Annaliese sheds an appropriate amount of tears and wonders if there’s anyone left for her here.

That feeling doesn’t last long: Kamil enters the next morning with a date card for Annaliese. She doesn’t know how to pronounce his name, but that doesn’t stop her from being excited about the date. They drive an ATV across a tiny ramshackle bridge and somehow survive. Annaliese declares they’re already one of the “stronger” couples in paradise.

That may sound like a stretch, but Kevin and Astrid—arguably the strongest couple in paradise—are on the rocks. It starts when he casually says he wants her to go on a date with another guy because their relationship has been too easy so far. She, naturally, is like, Huh?

After some tears and back-and-forth, Kevin admits he said that because he’s insecure she’ll leave him. She’s his dream girl, so he’s always concerned a storm is coming. Plus, Kevin says, he’s normally in therapy twice a week to work this stuff out, so being in paradise isn’t helping. Astrid says she didn’t expect to feel so much so soon, either. They make up, and Kevin says he’s falling in love.

Speaking of couples making up, Jordan gives Jenna an ultimatum. If she doesn’t give him her rose this week, he’ll walk away from the show. She thinks on it a bit, then decides to cut poor Benoit loose. “I don’t really understand why she’s into him,” he tells the camera. Mmhm. He reacts by dramatically throwing a football into the sea repeatedly, which is way more poetic than Jordan’s giant stuffed animal tantrum.

Now that one triangle has concluded, let’s check in with Leo, Kendall, and Joe. Kendall says Joe makes her laugh, but her heart is drawn to Leo. However, everyone knows he kissed Chelsea…except for Kendall. Even Joe knows, but he decides it’s better to let Leo dig his own grave. Smart! His plan works: Kevin is the one who lets it slip to Kendall about the kiss. At least, I think that’s what happens during their talk. Hard to say because I was so stressed about their feet:

Later, Kendall confronts Leo. She doesn’t care that he kissed Chelsea; it’s that he told Kendall she was the only girl for him, then kept this a secret. Instead of, I don’t know, reflecting on his actions and deciding to become a better man, Leo throws a tantrum in the pool about tattletales. Kevin casually lounges while staring at Leo like:

Kevin lets Leo rant around for a bit before finally telling him he’s the one who told Kendall. It quickly turns into a yelling match, but Kevin isn’t phased. He even quotes fellow Canadian and Hot Man Justin Trudeau: “We are polite, we are reasonable, but we will not be pushed around.”

Wells tries to calm Leo down by telling him he’s being irrational. That doesn’t work, because Leo turns around and yells at Kendall. In his mind, she is in the wrong for calling him out. Excuse me, what? Leo then accuses Kendall of faking her feelings for him. When this doesn’t go over well, he tries a different tactic and showers Kendall with compliments. Kendall is handling it well on her own, but Joe decides to step in and…. TO BE CONTINUED.

I’ll see you tomorrow night, when everyone cries!





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Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 5 Recap: So Many Love Triangles


Caution: Spoilers for Bachelor in Paradise ahead.

The episode begins with Krystal giving the villa a much-need sage cleansing. And you know what? I think it actually worked because this episode had everything I want from BiP: very little Chris screen time, and the arrival of my favorite French-Canadian snack Benoit. (Remember him from Bachelor: Winter Games?)

But I’m getting ahead of myself: Let’s back up to the morning after last episode’s rose ceremony. Brownie the dog has been saved from the ocean, and the women all feel sympathy for Jenna, who must put up with Jordan for another week. Jenna agrees, apparently: “I would rather date anyone else on this beach [than Jordan].”

Even though she’s clearly over him, Jordan thinks they’ll get over this speed bump which involved, never forget, him throwing a giant stuffed dog into the ocean like a child.

This seems like a good moment for Leo to enter and stir shit up. Kendall and Jenna are attracted to him, but Chelsea literally has an intense physical reaction. She’s actually sweating she’s so nervous to be around him. However, Leo asks Kendall on the date and she says yes.

Joe, who confessed earlier he “might” be falling in love with Kendall, is bummed. He tries to give her a Grocery Goodbye, but it gets awkward:

Everyone feels bad for Joe.

As for Leo and Kendall, their date involves a photography session with former BiP bartender Jorge. He says he’s written a romance novel and wants them to pose for the cover. Sound good…until Jorge gives a rundown of the plot. Arie Luyendyk Jr., Lauren Burnham, Ben Higgins, and Amanda Stanton are all brought in to play characters in Jorge’s book, and it is a hot, hot mess.

Thankfully, we don’t spend too much time with Arie and move on to Leo and Kendall making out in the pool instead. Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Joe’s all like, “Whaddaya gonna do?!” to Wells about his situation with Kendall.

When she returns from her date, she talks to Joe one-on-one, and it derails quickly. He straight-up asks if she kissed Leo, but when she answers honestly and says yes, he accuses her of “kissing all the guys.” She calls him out on that, and Joe admits he’s upset because there’s nobody else for him here. She tells Joe she still likes him…but she likes Leo too. Oh, and now she’s questioning whether her relationship with Joe could really last.

But maybe Kendall should pause on Leo, because even though he’s “in like” with her, that doesn’t stop him from making out with Chelsea hours after their date.

The next day, a date card comes for…Colton. UGH. We really need another date with Tia and Colton? Really? They’ve been together-ish for like a day, but Tia’s already sure Colton will ask her to be his girlfriend on the date.

Once Tia and Colton are on their date, it becomes clear why they were picked: Raven and Adam, who met on Bachelor in Paradise and are still dating, are here to give some advice. Raven and Tia are close friends, as evidenced by the fact that Raven wastes no time telling Tia she doesn’t trust Colton. To this, Tia says, “But I’m really good at reading people.” Raven, however, isn’t buying it. Tia, of course, seems unswayed.

“If this ends badly, I’ll cut his penis off so he can’t ever lose that virginity.” – Raven

After Raven and Adam leave, Tia tells Colton about her friend’s concerns. They talk for a bit, Tia cries, and eventually they decide they’re boyfriend and girlfriend. Tia’s already saying, “I could see us getting engaged at the end of this.” Tia, girl, just enjoy the moment!

Speaking of enjoying a moment, my love Benoit has entered Paradise. Jenna gets it:

He asks Jenna out on a date, and she shows up in a très chic red lip and black jumpsuit for the occasion. The night goes well—for them, not Jordan—and the two spend most of the date making out. So much so that Benoit gets that red lipstick all over his face.

When they return, Jordan asks Jenna for a moment alone. He takes her to the beach, where he wrote “I’m sorry” in the sand. “What’s a guy gotta do, you know?” he asks. Um, more than this? Jenna tells Jordan that she has a good connection with Benoit, so she’s not sure what will happen. In an unprecedented display of maturity, Jordan tells Jenna he thinks she’s special, so he’s OK losing the battle if he can win the war. It’s kind of sweet, for Jordan.

See you next week for the following: “He’s about to get a foot up his ass if he doesn’t watch out.” “Leo’s on a warpath.” “The drama!” “Good luck with Grocery Store Bitch.”





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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 5, Episode 3 Recap: Finally, It's John's Time to Shine


Caution: Spoilers ahead.

The contestants keep saying things move fast on Bachelor in Paradise, and they’re not wrong. Just yesterday, we thought solid relationships were forming between Tia and Chris, Kenny and Krystal, and Annaliese and Jordan—but every one of those couples have imploded by tonight’s end.

The episode picks up where we left off: Becca, fresh off her engagement to Garrett, is in paradise to talk to Colton. Their conversation goes fairly well, and Colton gets to ask a question that’s clearly been bothering him: Did Tia play a part in Becca’s decision to break up? According to Becca, no. She really, truly felt her relationships with the other guys were stronger at the time. This gives Colton some closure, so they part on good terms. That said, Becca’s last words to Colton was a cheery, “I’ll tell Garrett you say hello!” Maybe don’t rub it in that you’re engaged to the guy who likes bigoted Instagrams.

When Colton tells the other guys that he’s feeling better after his talk with Becca, everyone’s supportive…except for Chris, who is skeptical because Colton was sad and now is less sad. (Am I that surprised Chris doesn’t register the nuances of human emotion? No.) Then Chris insults Colton’s virginity because “being a virgin is an emotional type of thing.” Oh, hello, Evil Chris. You’ve been hiding, but I see you’re back.

Anyway, now that the Colton storyline has reached a conclusion—for now—it’s time to move on to another brewing drama: Annaliese and Jordan’s soon-to-implode romance. She’s totally smitten and thinks he’ll make “an amazing husband.” Nothing can shake their relationship…except for Jenna, who has just arrived, has a pink streak in her hair, and is apparently an alien.

“I am an alien, like legitimately.” – Jenna

Jenna and Jordan hit it off immediately. Or as Jenna puts it, “Jordan and I, I think would be great mates. We could like make sure our hair’s all in the right place, pluck eyebrows, and talk about serious, dramatic issues. I think.”

It’s her birthday, so she wants to celebrate it by taking Jordan out on a date. He accepts and leaves without even saying goodbye to Annaliese. To make matters worse, the rest of the cast awkwardly talks about what a great couple they’ll make right in front of her.

“We’re gonna burn this place down.” – Jordan

The thing is, these two weirdos really do have a good connection. Jenna actually likes that he asks questions like, “What made you you?” And he loves that she claps when she laughs. They make out, a lot, so it must be real love.

Too bad Annaliese thinks she and Jordan are still solid and will get engaged someday. Nysha’s reaction is basically this:

As soon as Jordan returns from his date with Jenna, he tells Annaliese it’s over in the least tactful way possible. (So Jordan.) He gushes about how his date was so amazing, and rubs it in that they instantly have a much stronger connection than he ever did with Annaliese. Then he tells her that he’s giving his rose to Jenna BUT, you know, things can change…so if Jenna’s not into him, Annaliese can be his back-up because he likes her “as a person.”

Annaliese manages to hold it together and not slap him in the face, so kudos to her.

Everyone knows Jordan is head over heels for Jenna, so of course David must ruin this. He makes a birthday treat for Jenna and claims it’s because he’s interested in her and definitely, 100% not because he’s obsessed with Jordan. “Oh my gosh you’re hilarious,” she replies.

Sensing some competition, Jordan joins them to make things as awkward as possible. The three sit in silence until David finally leaves. As soon as he’s gone, Jordan tells Jenna David was only giving her a cake to mess with him. She poo-poos this, so he responds by throwing the plate into the sea. This display of maturity somehow does not turn her off.

Meanwhile, Eric and Angela are a thing now? And kissing? Sure!

We don’t get much time to dwell on that though because Caroline has arrived, and she has a date card. She’s so nervous to talk to the guys that she interrupts Joe in the middle of their conversation to ask where the bathroom is. I have never seen such a relatable moment on this show in my life.

Luckily, she finds a kindred soul in sweet John, and I am into this. Their date is awkward at first—Caroline keeps getting distracted by all the stray animals running around—but they eventually get on track after she opens up about how her ex was very unkind. That relationship sucked, but now she knows what she wants: someone like John.

The next morning, Caroline’s feeling good about the date…but then, Jubilee enters and she’s looking GOOD. Nervous that Jubilee will pick John, Caroline tries to talk to him about where they stand. Their conversation doesn’t get anywhere, though, because Jubilee interrupts to ask John out. Wow, I’m so pleased people are finally catching on that John is A CATCH.

The guys in the house seem baffled that all the women are into John, but I get it: He’s hot, he’s got a job, he’s smart, and he’s kind. I think the fact that Jordan can hold the interest of not one, but two women is a bigger mystery.

Back to John and Jubilee’s date: They’re going zip lining, which is the perfect bonding exercise for two quiet souls. Later, over margaritas, they talk about their careers—she worked on computer hardware in the military, he’s a programmer—and hobbies. When he tells her he developed Venmo, she responds exactly as I would, “What are you doing here!?” They kiss. Now I’m shipping them!

Back at the villa, Kenny’s planned a sweet date—well, a blanket and some candles on the beach—for Krystal. But she friend zones him for reasons unclear to me because Kenny’s awesome.

Meanwhile, Chris tells Tia she has nothing to worry about because he doesn’t think he’ll be distracted by any women coming into the villa. He’s half right, I guess. He’s not distracted by women coming in to the villa; he’s distracted by someone already here: Krystal. They sneak off to chat, and Chris actually says this line out loud: “I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a blonde.” AND IT WORKS. How. HOW?

The next morning, Tia’s all, “I can see myself falling in love with Chris.” Meanwhile, Chris brags to the bros about his horrible pickup line. He really is the worst. Also, what kind of guy goes by “the Goose?” Anyway, Colton gets his revenge by telling Tia all about Chris and Krystal’s kiss. She’s annoyed, naturally, so this should go over well.

To be continued next week…





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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 5, Episode 2 Recap: The Colton and Tia Drama, Continued


So much happened on tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise—most of it Colton and Tia drama, natch—so let’s not waste time with an intro, shall we? Here’s what went down. (Spoilers ahead, of course.)

We start in medias res with Jordan and Nick getting Chris all worked up about Colton by saying things like, “We need to cut the head off the snake NOW.” Colton, unaware this has been going on, joins them to say hey.

Meanwhile, Tia humblebrags to the rest of the group about her date with Colton. Astrid is not impressed: “Nobody trusts Colton, but Tia is so tunnel vision … she’s not paying attention to the signs that are literally buzzing at her.”

Back to the bros: Chris asks Colton about his intentions with Tia while Jordan and Nick serve as the world’s worst peanut gallery. Colton says he’s still exploring his options—and that includes Tia. Chris argues that this isn’t fair to Tia because she’s clearly more invested in the relationship; if Colton’s not sure about her, he should make a clean break. Now, I don’t love being on Chris’ side on any issue, but he has a point. Colton doesn’t want a relationship with Tia, but he’s fine stringing her along until something better comes his way.

Colton, however, says he’s been very clear with Tia about his feelings, or lack thereof. Cut to Tia, gloating about their kiss and saying, “This could be the start of an amazing relationship.” Oops.

The next morning, Chris works off his anger toward Colton through tai chi. (Or something? It’s hard to say what Chris is doing.) There’s a lot of references and jokes to the Karate Kid scene, but honestly this feels more like the Hot Rod version to me.

Moving on to the other people in paradise: A date card shows up for Kenny. Yay! We need more Kenny time. He starts auditioning date partners: Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, Astrid, and Krystal, who Kenny eventually asks out. This annoys Kevin, who also has a crush on Krystal but is too Canadian to tell Kenny to back off.

“I’m a passionate Capricorn, so watch out.” – Jordan. As a regular Capricorn, I don’t know what this means.

Meanwhile, Jordan’s bummed he didn’t get a date card, so he invites Annaliese to dinner. She accepts. Of course, David immediately pulls Annaliese aside to “warn” her about Jordan. David, have you learned nothing?! I think Jordan could easily pull a Regina George on you:

David’s all, “I don’t mean to dwell on someone else, but… LET ME SPEND OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.” Annaliese listens patiently before telling David she’s going to ignore everything he’s said. Jordan’s interested in her, so that’s good enough for now.

He says, “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” Ugh, what is with the guys this season? Too many of them position themselves as “looking out” for the women in the villa when really it’s just a front for their man-baby drama.

David’s plan doesn’t work anyway, because Jordan’s date turns out to be kinda cute: champagne on the beach. At one point, Annaliese tells Jordan that she’s an artist and he says he’s “obsessed” with people who “are talented with their hands.” LOL. Somehow, this charms Annaliese and they end their date with a kiss. Looks like Jordan will get her rose this week…unless David claws his way in.

Moving on! Wells is so overwhelmed by everyone’s problems, he brought in a back-up bartender: Yuki, whom you’ll remember as the best part of Bachelor Winter Games. Her drinks may not be good, but her smile and cute crop top are fun.

Time to check in with Kenny and Krystal’s date: a lucha libre match. It’s a good pick; Kenny, a professional wrestler, gets to show off his knowledge and skills, while Krystal can relate to all the glitter. At one point, Kenny gets into a fight with the villain and goes on stage to fight him. It’s so fun! Remind me, why have we gone so long without Kenny time? Give him your rose, Krystal!

Later, they talk about Krystal’s time on The Bachelor. She admits she wasn’t on her best behavior, but she’s learned from the experience and wants to be better. Kenny gets it: The show is a pressure cooker, and everyone has a moment of weakness. They end the date with a kiss, while poor Kenny sweats profusely.

Back at the villa, Kevin—who was just moping about Krystal seconds earlier—has already moved on to Astrid. They make out on the beach and now he’s all, “I think Astrid and I are a better fit.” OK, dude.

Meanwhile, Tia’s telling the group she’s dead set on giving Colton her rose…as he’s busy flirting on the beach with…I want to say Angela, maybe? Bibiana and Kendall try to talk some sense into her. Tia understands what they’re staying, but that door is still very much wide open.

The cocktail party is the next day, and the ladies have all the power. So, as they say on Love Island, time for the guys to get grafting. Chris Harrison joins the crew to tell them two guys will be going home this week, so they should “fight for their life.” Are they, uh, dying? I hate to question the CH, but strange choice of words, no?

The guys really take this to heart and step up their game. Jordan got Annaliese a giant stuffed dog. Nick attempts to rekindle a flame that was never there in the first place with Chelsea. And Joe has a sweet conversation with Kendall, during which he tells her he only wants her rose. He might have some competition in John, though, who tells Kendall he’s interested and goes in for a kiss.

Everyone’s pairing off, so Tia decides it’s time to finally sit down with Colton and get an answer. (Like me, Bibiana is annoyed and says she’d be a-OK if Colton left.) Colton tells Tia he still “owes” it to himself to talk to other people. When she asks him if he’d be bothered to see her date other people, he says no. Oof. Tia tests this by telling Colton that she and Chris have kissed, but he’s not bothered by it. Then Colton hints that he’s still not over Becca, to which Tia asks, “Then what are you doing here?” Excellent point. She’s had enough and says, “I’m not your first choice, but I don’t want to be your second choice.” It’s a good line, but she loses some steam when she basically tells Colton that he’s going to leave if he doesn’t get on the same page with her. Colton says that’s too much pressure, but she doesn’t want to give him a rose if he’s just going to turn around and date other women in front of her.

So, Tia moves on to Chris the Goose. Chris tells Tia right away that he knows what he wants—her—and she admits she’s been waiting all day to hear that (…from Colton, but whatever). She tells Chris that she’s ready to “go for the right person.” I guess that means him. Anyway, they kiss.

Faced with going home, Colton tries to flirt with Angela but she’s heard the talk around the villa and isn’t sold. Colton’s nervous about whether or not he’ll get a rose. Who cares!

Time for the rose ceremony: Krystal gives Kenny her rose, Astrid gives Kevin her rose, and Tia gives her rose to Chris.

“I don’t want to brag because that’s just not me.” – Chris. But it is you!

Next, Kendall gives her rose to Joe, Annaliese gives hers to Jordan, and Nysha and Eric couple up. (Where’s the screen time for this love story?) Then, shock, Chelsea gives her rose to David. Angela gives her rose to John. Bibiana has the last rose of the night, and she introduces a major twist by giving it to Colton. WHAT? Why?

Her reasoning is questionable—she wants to give Colton the change to show his real self or something? This means that Nick and Wills are heading home. Bibiana, what have you done?! I can’t take another week of Colton drama, no thank you. (A plea to the Bachelor in Paradise editors: Please give us more time with literally anyone else.)

The next day, everyone talks about how annoyed they are with the Tia-Colton debacle. If the people who literally have nothing better to do than gossip around a pool are over this, why are we the viewers expected to care?

It gets worse: Becca has arrived in paradise to talk to the girls but also send Colton into a spiral. This is his reaction:

Through tears, Colton admits he wasn’t ready to come to paradise yet because he’s still in love with Becca. She’s ready to give him some closure, but we’ll see how that talk goes next time.

Also coming up: “Jordan is going to be a really amazing husband.” “It’s about to get coconuts!” “It’s time to cook goose.”





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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 5, Episode 1 Recap: All About Colton


If you were invested in Colton and Tia‘s drama during The Bachelorette, then have I got some good news for you: It doesn’t let up on Bachelor in Paradise. Seriously, I’d suggest taking a drink every time Colton’s name is mentioned in the season premiere but we’d all be blackout before the credits rolled. Hopefully it’ll resolve itself soon because I’d love to see what else is happening in paradise, especially with my love Grocery Store Joe.

I think my wish will come true, considering Chris Harrison says this will be the “most dramatic” season of BiP ever. (An interesting word choice, given what happened last season.) Ah, but I’m getting ahead of myself! To find out what happened in the first episode, read on. Spoilers ahead.

Things kick off with the famed cheesy-yet-amazing opening credits. Some highlights include Jordan wearing his golden underpants, Eric’s dance moves, Krystal’s glitter, and Joe being, well, Joe. The montage also give us a heads up about who’ll be the first round of contestants: Jordan, Kendall, Angela, Eric, Chris, Tia, Krystal, Kevin, Bibiana, Wills, Astrid, Joe, Nysha, David, Annaliese, Kenny, Chelsea, Nick, and John.

The episode starts with Chris Harrison raking…sand? No explanation is given, but I guess when you’re Chris Harrison and you’ve been hosting this show for over a decade you can do whatever the hell you want. He has to fill the time between rose ceremonies somehow.

Before we can begin, we must re-meet the hopefuls coming to paradise. First up is Kendall. She’s still heartbroken over Arie—why though?—but ready to move on. Even though Kendall still has her ukulele and her taxidermy, she wants to shed that persona. Perhaps filming an opening credit with a skull doesn’t help, just saying.

Kenny continues to be an adorable, doting dad to his daughter. He’s coming to Mexico to meet some cool people and find a woman who can be a role model in his daughter’s life. Aww.

Canadian Kevin (from Winter Games) is still a little salty that his ex Ashley kissed her now-fiancé Jared while they were dating. But he’s ready to date again—and he’s looking forward to meeting Krystal. Which brings us to…KRYSTAL. She says she was hurt by all the hate she got after the show aired, but luckily this is a chance to redeem herself.

Chris also realizes people have seen a not-so-chill side of him; this time, he hopes his “silly goose” side can come out. Speaking of birds, David the Chicken reminds us that he was once a chicken, fell off a bunk bed, and fought with Jordan. What a legacy. He’s now living with his mom in Boca Raton, demanding cookies and letting her cook, clean, and do all his laundry. YIKES. Ladies, he’s single!

“Unfortunately I can’t marry my mom.” – David

Naturally, Jordan is the next intro. He’s excited to showcase some lewks in paradise, which he hopes will attract Annaliese. Lucky for him, she’s coming to paradise. Annaliese starts her intro by saying, “If I’m remembered best for anything, it’s bumper car trauma or my dog thing.” She then lists all the things she’s afraid of: sand, thunder, large bodies of water, class one recycled plastics, guys with red hair, sombreros, and, oh, she’s never really been a huge fan of birds. But the biggest thing that scares her is not finding love. (I don’t know…bumper cars seemed really up there.) Please note the editors deserve an Emmy, an Oscar, and maybe a Nobel Prize for this amazing scene.

Bibiana—from Arie’s season and Bachelor Winter Games—is here too and she’s brought a ton of bikinis because, “Kill them with booty.”

“If my ass gets blurred, I’m doing something right.” – Bibiana

Bibiana’s into meeting Wills, who, by the way, has a new ‘do and is aware that he was pretty quiet and reserved on Becca’s season. He wants to be more outspoken this time around.

Meanwhile, Tia says she couldn’t find a man in Little Rock, Arkansas. So, she looked outside…to Bachelor Nation. She thought Arie could be the one, then Colton. That didn’t quite work out, but she’s hoping to see him in paradise.

After a commercial break, Chris Harrison greets us with this line: “In a world full of fake news, here’s some real news for you…” Oh no, no, no. ANYWAY, moving on, paradise is now open so I guess the rest of the crew won’t be getting intros. Sad!

First down the stairs is Tia, who’s already looking around for Colton. You can tell she’s kinda bummed when Eric rolls up first. And then he compliments her teeth, sooo.

Kendall arrives next with a cute slow-motion run down the beach. Kendall immediately likes Eric’s energy, which is a good thing because Eric is “big into energy.” And just as Kendall hopes there’s not a lot of drama this season, Jordan arrives followed by Bibiana. “It’s the most action my uterus has had in a while,” Bibiana jokes to Chris Harrison of the bumpy ride to the villa. It does not land.

GROCERY STORE JOE IS HERE. Or as he puts it, “I’m baaack.” He thought he’d never have a girlfriend again after he got dumped from the first episode of The Bachelorette, so he’s just happy to be here. Hopefully he’ll last at least a day this time. He’s already making a good impression on Kendall and Bibiana.

And here’s Wills, dressed to the nines as usual. Wills meets Wells, the bartender, and they have a nice play on words. Also, never forget: Wells is Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland’s boyfriend. Still not over it.

Chelsea shows up, and Eric is interested right away. Chelsea, meanwhile, is happy because there’s so many hot people here. (Girl, me too.)

Kendall and Joe sit down for a one-on-one, and she tells him right away that she loves to picnic in cemeteries. Joe shrugs and smiles his way through the convo, though his face is shades of this:

Moving on…Chris shows up next. His job title is now, apparently, just “Goose.” Tia is unmoved by his arrival because, real talk, she only cares about Colton arriving. But the one person she doesn’t want to come, Krystal, is of course the next down the stairs. Krystal’s already on her best behavior though—even her voice is different to reflect that she’s New Krystal.

Joe asks New Krystal to go for a walk, and their conversation is mostly just giggles. There’s a cute chemistry here. Am I rooting for their love? Maybe! Kendall’s definitely not—she wanted Joe for herself.

Next up, in quick succession, are Kevin, Nick, John, and Nysha. John says “there are some fine looking ladiiieeesss on this beach” in a voice he should never repeat. In fact, he may have spoke too soon because once Angela arrives John loses his mind.

When Kenny appears, I remember how much I liked him. Ugh, now I’m sad we got stuck with effing Arie as the Bachelor instead of him. I hope you find love in paradise, Kenny! Maybe with Astrid, who shows up next?

Everyone calls Tia out because she’s clearly just waiting for Colton. He’s still a no-show though. Instead, Annaliese, Jordan’s crush, is next. He lets her know right away—like, first convo—that he’s super interested. Annaliese seems into it.

Unfortunately, though, the worst side of Jordan might come out because David is here. But he comes over and gives Jordan a friendly hello and handshake, so hopefully the tension is settled for now. David says he’s the last one to arrive, and right away Tia looks near tears. She reveals she hasn’t reached out to Colton, and he hasn’t reached out either. (Erm, not a great sigh.) John, correctly, says the whole point of paradise is to keep your options open.

Now that everyone’s here, Chris Harrison sets the ground rules: Each week there will be Bachelor-style dates. Whoever gets the date card gets to choose who to take on the date. At the end of each week, there will be a rose ceremony. Whoever isn’t given a rose will be gone. Ladies have control this first week—there are 9 of them but 10 guys, which means one dude will leave after the first rose ceremony. With that, they tour the villa and pick their beds.

“I’ll pass on the top bunk.” – David. Smart.

Tia’s still being moody about Colton. She can’t even flirt with Grocery Store Joe! He does a very cute attempt at her Southern accent, swoon, but she spends their time together mostly talking about Colton.

Maybe this is why the producers, as petty as ever, decide to give Tia the first date card. What’s she to do? Give it to Colton’s spirit? She heads down to the beach to reflect and cry. Never in the history of this show has someone been so sad to get a date card. Eventually, Tia decides she can’t let Colton get in the way of her being open to love. (Yay!) She asks Chris out because she liked his energy.

Joe’s a little disappointed, but Krystal is happy because this means he’s still available. Uh, hold that thought, Krystal, because Joe just asked Kendall to head to the cabana with him. They kiss, and this sends Krystal into a small tailspin. She snacks furiously on chips as she decides she’s over Joe.

David—whose job title says “Former Chicken”—informs us that a few couples are forming already: Kendall and Joe, Annaliese and John, and him and Angela. Not everyone’s made connections yet: Cut to Jordan and Nysha awkwardly chatting in the pool while a crab saunters by behind them.

And some new couples might be in the works: Krystal’s decided to move on from Joe to Kevin and his muscles. He chomps loudly on snacks as they talk and leans in for a kiss before he’s barely finished chewing. Krystal doesn’t mind because, according to her, Kevin has pillow lips.

Meanwhile, Nick tells Chelsea she’s “cool as shit.” He says it doesn’t bother him that Chelsea has a child because moms “love” him. (Why did I expect better from a man with a closet full of tracksuits?) When a producer asks Nick what her son’s name is, he has no clue. Because Chelsea is smart, she doesn’t seem to reciprocate his interest. Case in point: When Nick tells Chelsea he’s attracted to her, she says, “I think I’m going to go to bed.” LOL.

Over to Chris and Tia’s date, where they’re talking about, who else, Colton. However, Tia says she now has a connection with Chris and wants to just focus on that. Mmk. Chris “Goose” says he’s looking for someone who comes from “not a fast-paced lifestyle.” (?) Tia likes that they’re on the same page. Back at the villa, the group gossips about their date and predicts it’ll end with Chris in the friend zone. Wills is willing to bet family heirlooms on it; something he shouldn’t do, because Tia and Chris make out and now Tia’s all, “Colton, who?”

The next morning, they’re all loved-up and making out by the pool. What a perfect time to send Colton into the villa! With a date card! Right away, Tia’s readying herself to go on the date…but then Colton asks Kendall first to go for a chat. This throws everyone off, even Kendall. Colton, not picking up on the vibe, asks Angela for a talk next. Eventually, though, he does give Tia the date card and she is pleased as punch.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

This causes a stir around the villa, and the consensus is that Colton’s intentions aren’t pure. But nothing’s going to stop Tia from going on this date. During their luxury boat ride, they reminisce over their weekend together in Los Angeles. Then Colton admits he really did having feelings for Becca, and it sucks because Tia basically broke them up. She doesn’t seem too bothered by that; after all, it worked in her favor. However, Tia tells Colton she’s still interested so she needs to know if he could see them dating again. He says he’s not closing the door, but…he’s not 100% in either. Not the answer Tia wanted, but this doesn’t stop her from catching feelings for Colton.

Back at the villa, everyone’s still talking about Colton and Tia. Nick, Jordan, and Chris—a.k.a. “the goose gang”—get all worked up into confronting him. These bros are trying to pretend like they’re doing this to protect Tia when really we all know it’s simply a dick-measuring contest. Chelsea’s just annoyed because Colton’s arrival has shifted the mood of the villa. (I agree.) But Astrid puts it best, “I’m glad I’m not a part of the drama, but I can’t wait to watch it all unfold.”

This season on Bachelor in Paradise: “It’s about to get coconuts.” “To the boom boom room!” “Everyone’s hooking up with each other.” “Good luck with Grocery Store bitch over there.” “Jordans don’t sweat Davids.” “Is she really doing witchcraft?” “It’s definitely a Russian witch hunt.” “I am unlovable!” “I’m gonna basically be crying this whole time.” I can’t wait!





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The Bachelorette Season 14, Episode 11 Recap: Becca Kufrin and Garrett Yrigoyen Are Engaged


This season of The Bachelorette has seen its share of highs (Becca’s sparkly dresses, everything about Grocery Store Joe) and lows (Lincoln), but where does the finale fit in? Well, spoiler warning: Garrett wins.

But let’s back up and dig in to the recap, shall we?

We’re in the Maldives, and Becca’s wearing the cutest beach-y lewk. She’s in love with two men: Blake, with whom she has the most “consistent” and “strongest” relationship, and Garrett, who is not Blake. “With Garrett it’s been a little slower,” Becca admits. Still, she’s seen “so many” sides to him that’s made her love grow. (Apparently not the side that likes those problematic Instagrams.)

Even though she loves both, she’s not going to tell them yet because she doesn’t want to do what Arie did to her. Good call, Becca.

Luckily, her family’s here in the Maldives to meet the guys and give their feedback. Garrett’s meeting is first, and Becca warns them that she still sees his divorce as a potential red flag. He shows up with flowers and is VERY excited to talk about fishing. Later, Becca’s mom pulls her aside for a one-on-one chat. She tells Becca that her dad would appreciate how much Garrett clearly loves her. Her mom, however, is a little skeptical: She saw her daughter be just as lovey-dovey with Arie, so what makes this relationship so different?

Becca’s uncle, meanwhile, asks Garrett about his divorce. Garrett says he realized after the wedding that his ex-wife and family were never going to get along. (This may sound a little judge-y, but…wouldn’t that have come up before?) Garret tells the uncle he loves Becca because she’d be a good wife and mother and tears up.

“My emotions are just takin’ the best of me for sure.” – Garrett

During a talk with Becca’s sister, Emily, Garrett says he’s a 50/50 person and is glad Becca’s the same. He tears up again talking about how much he loves her. This wins Emily over and she tells Becca, “Girl, I don’t know how you’re going to make a decision because he’s fabulous.”

But the next day, the family meets Blake. Emily’s first impression is this:

“He looks like a movie star.” – Emily

Emily immediately pulls Blake aside for a chat. He tells her he gravitates toward strong women, and Becca’s the strongest woman he’s ever met. He also feels like they can work together as a team. This wins Emily over, too, and she tells Becca he’s “amazing.” When Becca asks her sister for her honest opinion, Emily says Garrett would be a wonderful father someday, but Blake would challenge Becca and be a better teammate. Becca tears up and admits she always thought it would be Blake in the end, but there’s just something about Garrett. That said, she knows he would be a bigger risk. Emily is basically like, well, Garrett says he’s a caretaker and Blake wants you to be a strong woman, so…

When Becca’s mom sits down with Blake she tells him he’ll be fine whether or not Becca picks him. This, naturally, sends Blake into a spiral.

Then Becca’s uncle asks Blake if there’s any reason the family should be concerned about Garrett. (I can think of one.) Blake says he doesn’t know what Garrett has said, all he knows is that he’ll put Becca first no matter what. As he leaves, Blake admits he’s probably overthinking everything, but he can tell something’s a little…off with Becca. The rain certainly doesn’t help.

“She’s going to pick Garrett.” – Blake

After Blake leaves, Becca asks her family for their thoughts. Right away, her mom says she got the sense that Becca and Blake are more of a team. “He was more on your level,” she says. “You compliment each other very well,” Emily adds. Becca’s uncle thinks Garrett has a “beautiful soul” and is “a poet” but that makes him more of a “risk.” Emily questions whether he would really challenge Becca. Her uncle agrees, adding that Becca needs somebody who will be stride-for-stride and is passionate about the same things as her. Becca’s face says, “I hear you, but Garrett though.” I feel like in this moment, when her family is leaning toward Blake, she goes the other way.

Her mom and sister tear up and say they’re proud no matter what, as long as Becca’s happy.

(PS: Guess who else was in the Maldives…ARIE! And Lauren B.! They went there to talk to Becca, though the conversation was cut from the finale. It’s for the best.)

Even though her family is Team Blake, Becca’s still not sure and hopes the last dates will make things clear. First up is Garrett. They take a boat ride, and he asks what her family thought about him. Halfway through their serious conversation, though, they get distracted by dolphins. To be fair, the dolphins are pretty cool. Garrett, a poet, says he has no words to describe how he’s feeling. They jump in the water to make out on the equator line.

That night, Garret tells Becca that all of their dates have been awesome, but he gets most excited thinking about the bigger picture and doing things like changing diapers with her. Becca says he’s a snorer, so that makes her nervous, but she likes that they were touching the entire night they spent together. Becca asks if he has any last questions or doubts but Garrett says he’s good. Not one question? What about like, “What are your views on feminism?”

Becca says once again that he reminds her of her dad, and Garrett tears up again as he reiterates the whole “I’m a caretaker” thing.

The next day, Becca has a date with Blake that consists of a bike ride around the island followed by snorkeling and snogging in the ocean. Blake asks what her family thought about him, and Becca says it meant a lot to her that they approved. They have a very open, vulnerable conversation with each other, but you can tell Blake’s more invested in it.

Later, he gives her a time capsule he made of their relationship. It’s filled with pictures and quotes and super cute. (Shout out to the producer who helped put this together!) When they kiss goodbye, Blake feels like they’re on the same page. Foreshadowing?

The next morning, Becca reads a lovely letter written by her sister while the guys pick out engagement rings. I like Blake’s cushion cut better, but willing to admit I am very, very biased in his favor.

After a lot of buildup, Becca’s decision is finally revealed: Blake is getting dumped. He’s confident going in to the proposal, which makes it all the more heartbreaking that he’s about to be blindsided. Becca stands there quietly while he delivers this long, emotional speech about all the reasons why he loves her. Before he gets down on one knee, she tells him to pause. Then she drops the bomb: Because their relationship was so solid and constant, she overlooked over other relationships. (Read: Garrett.) Then she digs in further, telling him that she pictured them getting engaged for so long, but now her heart is somewhere else. “I don’t think anybody can make you as happy as I can,” he responds. She doesn’t answer.

As she walks him out, Blake tears up and asks what changed. Becca says there wasn’t anything particular she can point to, Garrett’s just a better fit. They part ways, and both break down into tears. Blake is literally sobbing into a washcloth, while Becca says she has trouble breathing. It’s hard to watch Blake as he says horribly sad things like, “I can’t believe I have to go through all this alone” and “I did love her. I thought she loved me back” and “All I can imagine is how happy she’s going to be when Garrett proposes to her.”

The scene fades out to Blake, who’s now in the studio with Chris Harrison. He’s still thrown that he was so close to proposing and she said no. Chris asks Blake if he’s still in love with Becca, and he says some part of him will always love her. Still, he wants her to be happy and no hard feelings. Watching the show back, Blake realized at least her feelings were as real as his.

After a commercial break, Becca sits down with Blake and tells us yet again that there wasn’t a single moment that changed for her. However, she questioned the longevity of their relationship because he gets more in his head sometimes and she could see that being an issue when challenges arose. Becca apologizes for how the breakup went down—she feels bad he was blindsided—but Blake is gracious, telling her that he wishes her all the happiness.

With that, it’s time to watch Garrett’s proposal. When he arrives, Becca greets him with a kiss. (Notably, Blake did not get the same.)

He gives a speech, Becca tells him she loves him, and he gets down on one knee and proposes. Becca says yes. Meanwhile, I’m trying so hard to be happy that Becca’s happy, but John Mulaney gets it:

Becca and Garrett join Chris in the studio, and they are full of giggles and smiles as the audience cheers. Becca loves her ring—”I think my jaw hit the sand”—but she’s just happy to be engaged to Garrett. Chris congratulates Garrett on his “amazingly romantic” proposal, but Garrett admits he thought was going to break up with him during it. Chris asks Becca when she fell in love, and she says it was during the hometown dates. She could picture herself being a part of his life; on her way out, she ran into his sister and niece and started crying and that’s when she knew she loved him. Garrett says he really fell for Becca after seeing her with his family.

Then they get into what happened after the proposal. A video montage of their secret meet-ups reveals these consisted of making out in a pool and snuggling in bed. The “one” downfall is that Garrett snores. “No, I purr,” he jokes.

Back in the studio, Garrett addresses his social media controversy head on. “I didn’t realize the effect of a double tap or like on Instagram, so I put out an apology,” he says. “I didn’t mean to offend anybody. I apologize for that still. I’m very sorry. I didn’t meant to hurt anybody’s feelings or do anything like that. So, I stand by everything that I posted in my apology. I’m just trying to grow as a person, be a better person on a daily basis. She’s helping me through everything. We’ve been honest and open and transparent with one another since the beginning; and when that all came out, we attacked it because I feel like when I was liking things it was going against what she stands for. And that made it really hard on us as a couple. So when we started talking about that we got through that together. We’re growing, we’re progressing, and we’re moving forward.”

“That was a major thing that we had to talk about early on at the very beginning of our relationship,” Becca adds. “I luckily got to know him for who he is. On the show we don’t have phones, we don’t have social media, and so I got to see who he is, his heart, his soul. The Instagram situation, I don’t condone that and I know that he stands by his apology. He feels so bad for everyone that he did offend, and he didn’t mean it, but I just want to move forward and to learn and to grow and to continue to educate ourselves and that’s all that you can ask for in another person, that somebody who recognizes they made a mistake and did something wrong and want to learn and grow from it and that’s what he showed me.”

OK, well, I’m glad they addressed it so directly. All we can hope is that going forward Garrett really does learn and grow from this, as he promises.

As for next steps, they don’t have any wedding plans but they’re moving in together and getting a pet. Chris gifts them with an all-expenses paid trip back to Thailand as an engagement trip and, even better, a minivan.

And that wraps this season up, my friends! I’ll see you tomorrow for Bachelor in Paradise.

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