Ahhh, hometowns. It’s one of the most awkward (and amazing) episodes of The Bachelorette every season, and it’s finally here. Unfortunately, your normal, hilarious recapper, Anna Moeslein, is living her best life on vacation right now, so I’m stepping in this week. I’m not sure I’ll be as funny, but I promise to throw plenty of shade at the men—because, let’s face it, all the good ones are gone, anyway.
Here’s what happened tonight:
Becca’s walking in some random field looking fabulous. Oh, it’s a random field in Garrett’s hometown. Truthfully, I’m already over this hometown given Garett’s problematic Instagram activity. Like, he could perform a rendition of “Ray of Light” by Madonna on this hometown date, and he still wouldn’t win me over.
But this hometown date isn’t going to be nearly that fun. They’re planting tomatoes on some farm. This is my worst nightmare. I’m sweating just watching this. They’re driving what I think is a….tractor? Becca says she’s into this and would go out on a farm with a beer and plant tomatoes. Again, this all sounds like my personal hell. They kiss on the tractor. They plant rose bushes. Don’t these people need a water break? I would’ve needed a water break 10 minutes into this nonsense.
The last woman Garrett brought home was his wife, whom he divorced over two years ago, so this hometown date is a big deal. Good thing it’s happening on national television! Now Garrett’s talking about why he and his ex-wife didn’t work, and I don’t really care. Remember his Instagram likes? I’m still thinking about them! He says he and Becca align, which I agree with only because they’re both physically attractive humans. That’s the…only similarity I see.
Garett’s father looks exactly like him. Garrett’s brother looks exactly like him. Garrett’s sister seems cool, and she’s the person who pulls Garrett aside first. He says he’s happy with Becca, but the sister has concerns given the entire ex-wife situation. I mean, fair.
The dad has his concerns, too. Becca wants to know if Garrett’s fully healed from his divorce and ready for an engagement, which, like, who knows? This is a TV show! Garrett’s known Becca for a few weeks! All I can think about is how bomb Becca looks in this purple floral romper.
Garrett’s mom isn’t pulling any punches, and she’s instantly my favorite person in this family. I’m living for her bob and her bangs and her no-bullshit attitude. Becca seems to win Garrett’s mom over, which isn’t surprising because Becca’s the best. Garrett’s love for Becca seems pure and real, and his mom seems to be on board with that. Honestly, I want a talk show hosted by Becca and Garett’s mom. All I want is to watch them talk shit for two straight hours.
Anyway, the hometown date ends. Garrett and Becca kiss. Becca seems happy. Yay!
We’re in Buffalo now for Jason’s hometown date. I like Jason, but I don’t like his hair. I also don’t like the fact that he’s saying “damn” every other sentence. Does he not know any other filler words?
Their date is way more my speed. They sit down and eat a bunch of chicken wings and then make out. That’s my ideal situation with another man.
But then, OMG, they go ice-skating, which is 2,000 percent something I’d hate. I attempted to go ice-skating one time and busted out crying because I couldn’t find skates that fit. Jason’s scarf is cute, though, which gives him brownie points. They kiss on the ice rink, which requires so much coordination.
Wait, wait, wait: Jason’s brother is gay and in a relationship and this instantly makes me like him way better. His brother’s name is Steven and his boyfriend is Bill and I now no longer care about Jason and Becca. Come through, homosexuality on a primetime episode of The Bachelorette! My gay self is squealing.
Update: Jason says damn another 40,000 times. He pulls his dad aside and says he’s falling for Becca. His dad is basically, like, “Whoa, chill, you’re on a TV show.” Jason’s mom has fabulous hair, and it’s full of secrets about how Jason is guarded and can’t commit. She can’t read whether or not Becca is falling for him, which, duh. It’s beyond clear Becca’s obsessed with Garrett and the other guys are kinda just…there.
Wow, wow, wow: Jason’s talking to his brother and husband about Becca, and this is the greatest scene of The Bachelorette in history. Thank God this straight-ass show is being fueled with some homosexual energy. Steven basically tells Jason to get his shit together and decide how he feels about Becca. Where is Steven’s podcast?
Jason tells Becca that he’s in love with her. His speech is insanely long and sounds like something out of a romantic comedy. They kiss. I think it’s legit, but honestly who TF knows? If Jason had better hair I probably wouldn’t be questioning the authenticity of his speech.
Blake lives in a very snowy place. He’s the cutest one here, in my humble opinion, and he’s even cuter wearing this jacket surrounded by snow. Update: Bailey, Colorado is the name of this town. (Sorry, I didn’t get that before because I was pouring myself a glass of wine.)
They go to Blake’s high school for their date, which is a Bachelor staple and something I’ve never understood. Maybe I’d understand it more if I was a popular, hot jock in high school, like Blake and all these people probably were. Blake says he wants Becca to see the man he is, so his go-to move is bringing her to his…high school? I wore cargo shorts in high school and was the lead in a musical even though I can’t sing. I’d never want to go back there.
Blake reveals to Becca that there was a shooting at his high school during his senior year, and it changed his outlook on life. He now views life as a gift and doesn’t take a second for granted. They have a poignant chat about this, kiss, and move on. It’s moving and serious, and that’s all I’m going to say.
But then, Blake takes Becca into an auditorium and Betty Who is there giving a surprise performance. I love Betty Who. What a gay icon! This is such a gay-friendly episode of The Bachelorette, and I’m thrilled. Becca says Betty Who is her “favorite singer,” but I don’t know if I believe that. I…don’t know if she had heard of Betty Who before this episode of The Bachelorette.
Blake’s family is lovely, especially his mother. Her hair is also phenomenal. When Blake says he’s falling in love with Becca, his mom says, “That’s crazy,” which is the greatest thing she could say. Because it’s true! This is all crazy! Blake’s mom thinks Becca is the one for him, but is afraid Becca will break his heart. His father feels similarly, and is basically like, “Yo, there’s a chance you’re ‘gonna get dumped, son.” Yes, dad! Bring down the reality hammer! Blake’s mom is very, very protective of him, which is sweet but also ,like, a little aggressive. He’s an adult man. He’ll be fine, no matter what happens.
They kiss in the snow and Becca thanks Blake for the date and the Betty Who surprise. I’m so glad Betty Who received some national promo, because she’s a bop queen.
The last hometown date of the evening is Colton’s in Parker, Colorado. Remember, Colton told Becca last week he’s a virgin, which the show tried to make a bigger deal than it is. I mean, come on. He’s a virgin! It’s not like he’s a serial killer or has Jason’s hair.
Colton takes Becca to the children’s hospital, where they visit kids who have cystic fibrosis. Colton has a nonprofit organization dedicated to this, and the date is understandably tender. I have nothing snarky to say about it. Colton looks uncomfortably hot, as per usual.
Colton has never brought a woman home before, so the stakes are pretty high tonight. Becca’s scared because Colton’s only been in one serious relationship before. I’m scared because, at some point, we know Tia’s going to show up in this episode and fuck shit up. More on that later.
Colton has 18 people waiting for Becca at his house. That’s so overwhelming, even for someone as friendly and wonderful as Becca. Anyway, I love the off-the-shoulder shirt Becca’s wearing tonight. Meghan Markle would 100 percent wear it. Also, I have a crush on Colton’s dad.
Colton’s dad has a serious talk with his son about if he’s ready for an engagement. Also, he brings up Tia, because that was some capital-D drama. Then, Colton’s dad brings Tia up to Becca, and Becca says she’s cool with the whole situation, even though I’m not sure that’s the case? Colton’s dad literally tells Becca not to pick him if she isn’t 100 percent sure he’s the one. He even brings up Arie! He’s asking the hard questions!
As is Colton’s mom. She’s shocked that Colton is so in love with Becca. I would be, too. Becca asks her about Colton’s virginity, and I’m uncomfortable. She basically wants to know if Colton will commit to her even though he has a lack of experience, and his mom says that’s a possibility. It’s a kind conversation. Colton’s family is kind!
Colton then tells Becca he’s in love with her, but it’s clear she’s not fully there with him. I mean, she’s made it very clear she’s in love with Blake and in love with Garrett, but the heat with Colton ins’t on the same level. I’m available, though, Colton.
Praise be: Becca’s now reunited with Tia, Bekah M., Kendall, Sienne, and Caroline. They’re drinking mimosas and talking about Becca’s hometown dates and I wish I was a part of their squad. When Becca brings up Colton, Tia’s face immediately changes, so you know shit’s about to go down.
Yup, shit happens: Tia essentially admits to Becca she still has feelings for Colton, which obviously throws a wrench in Becca’s decision-making. Remember: Tia went on a date with Colton in January, and that made Becca pause. She was under the impression Tia was over Colton; however, that doesn’t appear to be the case. Tia says that seeing Colton go this far with Becca makes her “sick to her stomach.” Oof.
Becca’s totally blindsided by this, and she doesn’t know what to do going into the rose ceremony. Try as the editing team might, though, I think it’s pretty clear Colton’s going home. Blake’s wearing a bowtie, which further confirms he’s my favorite. Colton asks Chris Harrison about the expectations for the fantasy suite, which is a hilarious and awkward conversation to have.
Becca walks in looking gorgeous in a sparkly black dress, as she’s apt to do. I want to wear this dress. She gushes about how much she loved the families and that this elimination is gut-wrenching. Just go ahead and eliminate Colton so I can go to bed!
Blake gets a rose. Jason gets a rose. Garrett gets a rose. Colton does not get a rose. Shocker! They have a tearful goodbye.
Next week: More tears in Thailand!
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