Tonight’s Riverdale finale was a welcomed respite from last week’s absolutely bonkers episode. Yes, it was still dramatic, but it tied up loose ends instead of creating more chaos, which is good. But it did leave us with some new mysteries. Here’s what happened. (Spoilers ahead, obviously.)
Jughead’s alive, which, duh. Like The CW would really kill off the character every millennial in the country’s crushing on. Fangs is alive too—apparently, the deputy, who’s in cahoots with Hiram Lodge, told the Serpents that he died so they’d go to war with the Ghoulies. Again, all of this nonsense was a Hiram Lodge-orchestrated mousetrap to get the Serpents out of town. Mark Consuelos and his schemes, ya know?
The Serpents lost their fight with the Ghoulies, disbanded, and left Riverdale. I know that’s supposed to be sad, but I’m happy if this means Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa won’t spend another minute of screen time on them again. Clear the airwaves up for Cheryl Marjorie Blossom.
Betty goes to visit Jughead in the hospital; she’s happy he’s alive but clearly still shook over her father being a psycho killer and all. Archie and Veronica join Betty and start talking to Jughead about the other Black Hood who shot at the town hall and attacked Fred and Archie. I get Jughead can help with this, but the dude just had the crap beat out of him by the Ghoulies. He’s still in his hospital bed! Let him chill for five seconds and eat pudding before having to solve another Riverdale mystery. Their first suspect is: Sheriff Minetta, the guy Hiram essentially hired to replace Hot Salt-and-Pepper Snack Sheriff Keller.
“I’m supposed to be this great detective, but I didn’t see what was right in front of me.” — Betty, being dead serious so therefore hilarious.
Moving on: Cheryl’s officially emancipated herself from her mother, Penelope, and now has Thistle House all to herself. When she goes to deliver the emancipation letter to her mother, though, she finds her conspiring with Hiram Lodge about…something. LOL, what if Penelope is the other Black Hood?
Veronica confronts Hiram about this at their house, and he says he met with the Blossoms because he’s interested in the maple business. Bullshit! Veronica thinks Hiram hired Cheryl’s Uncle Claudius to impersonate the Black Hood, which is probably true. The look on Hermione’s face in this scene suggests she might be waking up to the fact her husband is a (very hot) sociopath.
Also, there are bunch of people taking photos outside the Cooper house because the Black Hood lived there, and Betty’s afraid Alice is losing her mind because of it. Betty goes to Fred’s house to tearfully apologize on behalf of her dad. She says she’s supposed to be this “great detective” (OMG) but couldn’t see “what was right in front of her.”Chill, Betty. You’re not Olivia Benson. Go back to school, it’s fine.
Onto some hunky gay romance: Moose is so upset about the rioters stealing Midge Klump’s stuff that he starts making out with Kevin. That’s…logical. Meanwhile, down the hall, Jughead and the two remaining Serpents at the school find out they now have to start attending Seaside High. There’s apparently a bunch of Serpents staying at the White Worm Bar, too, because they couldn’t afford to leave Riverdale. Sad but boring! Jughead wants to stay and help them but F.P. says they’re moving to Toledo. That’s clearly not going to happen, though, because Jughead’s not leaving Betty or his typewriting spot at Pop’s.
“We all have our albatrosses, Polly.” — Alice, being weird.
Sheriff Minetta tells Archie the Serpent Tall Boy is the second Black Hood, but it’s clear he doesn’t believe him. All the evidence they have to support it is just too convenient. However, this winds up being true. It was Tall Boy, but more on that later.
Across town, Polly’s visiting Betty and Alice and says they need to “forgive” Hal for his crimes. Alice and Polly think they should visit him and Betty’s basically like, “Fuck that noise.” Agreed.
Hermione finally—finally!!!!—catches on to the fact Hiram’s evil and tells Veronica the only thing missing from his acquisition of the South Side is the White Worm, so Veronica uses the $1 million she got from the St. Clairs to buy it.
She might be too late, though; apparently Hiram’s asked Sherif Minetta to raid the White Worm tonight, and it’s NBD if more Serpents are shot. The remaining Serpents manage to escape to Fred Andrews’ house. I thought we were done with this crap?! So bored.
Anyway, all the kids at Riverside High wear Serpent jackets in support of the students who are being asked to transfer. The stunt works and everyone can stay at the school. Yawn, but Cheryl and Toni became official after this scene, so I’m here for it. Also, Archie looks hot in a leather jacket.
After learning that Hiram fired F.P. from Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe, Veronica decides to buy the White Worm and tells Hiram he can have it in exchange for Pop’s. Hiram agrees, but says this is the last thing Veronica will get from him. This means no more credit cards, no more allowances, no inheritance, no nothing. She agrees.
Switching gears: Betty’s now afraid she has the same “darkness” inside of her as her dad and that this will be transferred to one of Polly’s kids too. Jughead touches her face gently and says, “No, you’re fine.” Betty pouts, says “K,” and they move on.
But not before Betty goes to the jail and tells her crazy dad that he doesn’t control her anymore and that the darkness is over. Hal hilariously yells, “You’ll be back! You can’t escape me!” like some old-timey villain, but Betty shantays away like a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Funniest scene in this episode.
Toni: “That jackets looks good on you.” Cheryl: “Everything looks good on me.”
Archie’s elected student body president, so the teenagers start acting like actual teenagers to celebrate that, and the fact the South Side High students are allowed to stay. I love seeing teens act like teens! Their fun, however, is interrupted by F.P. making a boring speech about how he’s retiring from the Serpents and that Jughead’s now the head of them. The only good part about this scene is that Cheryl receives an official red leather Serpent jacket and becomes a member of the crew. The shot of her putting it on is iconic. So now I suddenly stan the Serpents!
And Archie suddenly isn’t stanning Mr. Lodge. He goes to his office and basically says he knows he’s the mastermind behind everything and that he’s going to prove it and “come for” him. Does this mean he’s going to…kill Hiram? Whatever, Archie threatening him here is kinda hot, I won’t lie. Bye-bye, Mark Consuelos!
In one of the last scenes, it’s revealed that Hiram is the person pulling the strings and that he’s employed Penelope Blossom, Uncle Claudius, the Ghoulies, Sheriff Minetta, and Penny Peabody to help him. He’s promised them all things in this “New South Side” to gain their loyalty, but because Hermione’s now mayor she can’t be privy to these meetings.
But who cares about this? Polly’s apparently going to have someone from her creepy farm cult come visit the Cooper house and “talk” to Alice to get her out of her “Hal’s the Black Hood” funk. This is a storyline I definitely can get behind next season: Cults!
Oh crap, though: This epsiode ends with Hiram seeking vengeance on Archie by having him arrested for the murder of Cassidy Brooke. (Cassidy, if you forgot—because I did—is the guy who attempted to rob Veronica’s lake house, escaped, and then was shot by one of Hiram’s goonies in the forest.) So, now we have a whole new mystery to take screen time away from Cheryl Blossom in season three. Yay!
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