Bachelor fan favorite Bekah Martinez is enjoying mom life after revealing late last year that she was pregnant with her first child. But on Tuesday she sent the Internet into a frenzy after posting a photo of herself breastfeeding while holding a glass of wine—something that had mommy shamers calling her out en masse, even though most medical experts agree that alcohol in careful moderation will not affect a baby while nursing.
To be clear, Martinez did make sure people knew she wasn’t breastfeeding and drinking at the same time. In the caption she wrote that she “was waiting patiently for her [daughter] to finish nursing before beginning my (single!) glass of wine :).”
That didn’t stop the torrent of angry comments: “Just stop breastfeeding [if] you can’t commit to your daughter,” one person said. Another piped in, “How stupid are you?”
Breastfeeding and drinking—as long as it’s in moderation—is fine according to most experts. The CDC says that while not drinking is the safest option, “generally, moderate alcohol consumption by a breastfeeding mother (up to one standard drink per day) is not known to be harmful to the infant, especially if the mother waits at least two hours after a single drink before nursing.” As some commenters pointed out, it doesn’t appear that Martinez was guzzling an entire bottle; she simply planned to have one glass after feeding her baby.
Martinez, who keeps things pretty personal, isn’t the only mom who has been questioned for her breastfeeding habits. The situation was pretty similar to one Jessie James Decker found herself tangled in last year; she laid down the law, telling mommy shamers she didn’t care what they thought.
Moments like these are indicative of a larger judgment that woman face when they become new moms or reveal that they’re expecting. Just this month a pregnant woman’s Reddit post went viral when she explained that a stranger at her local coffee shop grabbed a drink out of her hand and threw it in the trash, saying, “You can’t have it, you’re not allowed.”
Even when it’s well-intentioned, those who aren’t informed simply shouldn’t make comments, let alone decisions about women’s bodies. Period. (FYI, having a coffee while you’re pregnant isn’t harmful, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists—a.k.a. the people who are informed enough to make decisions about maternal health.) Just another reminder that mom shaming is rarely helpful or productive.
Bekah Martinez isn’t one to keep her secrets to herself. The 23-year-old former Bachelor contestant—who has already gotten brutally honest about the real cost of being on the reality TV show—has also been quite vocal about her struggles with acne. After years of trying different medications and treatments, Martinez says she’s finally found the cure that cleared up her complexion: gut-healthy foods.
“Real talk: my skin used to look like this for YEARS, and now (thank god) if you swipe left it looks like this!” Martinez wrote on her Instagram account. She said she’s tried Accutane, numerous popular acne-clearing products, and birth control—along with going vegan, drinking more water, and using coconut oil, all advice anyone who’s ever had acne has probably be given at some point—and likely to no avail. Adult acne is actually on the rise for women in their twenties and thirties, which is why many are now leading the charge around “acne positivity” on social media to help combat the shame and stigma surrounding it.
“I could go on and on about all the things that DIDN’T cure my acne,” Bekah added. “Only recently did I discover it came down to my gut health, which I’ll be sharing a hell of a lot more about in the next few weeks. No, it’s not plexus or any other supplement, it’s real raw food that you have to incorporate into your diet on a regular basis.”
The before-and-after photos she posted along with it have already gotten 25,000 likes and counting. Clearly, they’re resonating. Her comments section is flooded with responses like, “I love to see post like this—my skin is so bad right now” and “Please post more about this, I could really use the tips!”
While she hasn’t shared what those exact items are yet (Glamour reached out and will update this post when we’ve heard back), it’s possible that Bekah is referencing fermented foods like kefir and sauerkraut. These foods contain probiotics, aka gut-friendly bacteria, which some experts—like Moon Juice founder Amanda Chantal Bacon and Whitney Bowe, M.D., a dermatologist and the author of the new book The Beauty of Dirty Skin—swear by for their stomach- and liver-detoxifying effects. These, in turn, help support glowing skin.
“Eating fermented foods have been shown to improve gut health and restore a healthy microbiome in your G.I. tract,” says Dr. Joshua Zeichner, Director of Clinical and Cosmetic Dermatology at Mount Sinai Hospital. “There’s a definite association between gut health and your skin, so by feeding your gut probiotic-rich foods like kimchi, you’re helping to reduce internal and external inflammation—including the kind that causes acne.”
And it doesn’t take a lifetime to see results. Zeichner says a few weeks, while Lauren Slayton, R.D., and founder of Foodtrainers in New York, says that depending on your current gut health, you can see a clearer complexion in as little as a week. “But it’s not like you can be a sugaraholic, have some kimchi after dinner, and then expect to glow,” she adds.
Martinez, for her part, says she wanted to share her struggles with trial-and-error treatments because too many women feel like they’re by themselves in the process. She ended her post with an endearing note to her followers: “None of this content is or will be sponsored in any way. I just want to help as many people as possible find the solution to their acne or feel beautiful in the meantime. If you’re in the middle of the struggle, I feel you. I see you. I hear you. You are NOT alone, and I know a lot of the time it feels that way. I know how frustrating and demoralizing it can be. I know how it can take all your confidence and crush it to the point where you don’t want to leave the house. You’re not alone, and your acne does not define you. Rise above it and smile anyway—that’s what people will notice first.”
The job titles of contestants onThe Bachelorand The Bachelorette is one of the franchise’s longest-running jokes. There are the usual suspects—real estate agent was especially popular during Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s season—but it’s the more questionable careers that get people talking, like “twin” and “sport fishing enthusiast.” It’s a funny concept, to be sure, but the silliness distracts from something that’s rarely discussed on the show: A lot of men and women give up their jobs and financial security to be a part of this franchise. We wanted to know more, so we asked Bekah Martinez—a fan favorite and former nanny from Luyendyk Jr.’s season—to fill us in for Glamour‘s Money Issue.
The cost just kind of depends for each girl, on how and when they were cast. I think some people knew they were going to be on The Bachelor about a month in advance, but I didn’t know for sure until about 10 days before filming. So, that was kind of crazy because basically the only packing list you get is like, “OK, prepare for eight weeks and all kinds of weather.” They don’t want to give you any kind of hints about where you’ll be going, so they tell you to pack everything—bikinis, snow gear, just whatever you might possibly need.
And then, of course, there are the formal gowns. But even with that you’re not sure how many cocktail parties or rose ceremonies there will be, so I was watching back old seasons to try and calculate how many dresses I would need for however many possible weeks I might be on the show. I was also trying to figure out in my head the amount of casual outfits I’d need and what kind of possible weather we might be going through. It was frantic having less than two weeks to pack all of that, and I didn’t have a very extensive wardrobe at that point.
My biggest fear was, Where am I going to get all these dresses? When you think about it, between cocktail parties and rose ceremonies, if you’re going to be there for any amount of time, you’re going to need at least 10 dresses. I didn’t have really any at all. I was like, “This is going to cost me thousands of dollars if I buy all of these.” Knowing that there’s a potential to go on the show for two months and not make any money during that time—I’m not working, but I still have to pay rent and all my living expenses—there was no way I could spend a few grand on clothes.
My biggest fear was, Where am I going to get all these dresses?
So, I just kind of started making a plan of who I could borrow dresses from—that was my main concern. I had a friend who was a pageant girl, so I texted her to ask if she had any in my size. Everything else, I was able to borrow, like some snow gear from my mom. I have a couple of friends with swimwear companies here in Los Angeles, so they gave me some free suits. I asked a friend if I could borrow a variety of shorts and long-sleeve tops and sweaters. I got really lucky because the mom of the family I was nannying for at the time is in the fashion industry, so she sent me to a couple showrooms where I was able to get samples of different dresses to borrow for the show. I was able to borrow about 12 different dresses and a bunch of casual wear from some brands. After the show, I had to collect everything and bring it back to the showroom—they were their samples for models and photoshoots and stuff like that.
I also went to Nordstrom Rack, where I bought a couple of dresses, jewelry, and some formal shoes. Shoes were a thing: I needed a bunch of heels that I didn’t have. I probably spent about $700 or $800 on that stuff, but when I got back to Los Angeles I was so broke I returned everything that still had tags on.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
I can image some of the girls who didn’t have the resources to borrow things from showrooms or friends probably spent a significant amount of money—at least a couple thousand, easily. You need a pretty extensive wardrobe. One of the girls brought literally five suitcases, even though you’re supposed to only bring two. One thing I didn’t think about going in is that when you have 15 women living together, you’re able to share stuff. Everyone’s super friendly about that—I’d be like, “Oh, I forgot a denim jacket. Does anyone have one?” Someone always did. That was really helpful.
Seinne and Lauren S. had the best wardrobes. Lauren S. had it all; she had a really good set of basics—every color in every style of short- and long-sleeve shirts. Sienne just had so many cute pieces and a really nice curated style. She had a bunch of adorable dresses and two-piece sets; everything she had was from, like, Free People and Anthropologie. I imagine she spent the most out of everyone because she had so much cute, brand new stuff.
Thankfully I’m a pretty good packer, so I was able to keep everything to two bags. In the six weeks that I was there, I was starting to get nervous that I was running out of stuff but I had enough by the time I left, in Italy. I had some faux furs that I wasn’t sure whether or not I’d use, but I ended up wearing them at least a couple of times a week. That’s something I don’t regret bringing.
For beauty products, I bought extras of everything I use. My hair doesn’t require much—I actually don’t wash my hair, like, at all. I haven’t washed my hair for eight or nine months; I just rinse it. So I didn’t really need any hair products. For makeup, I bought extra samples of foundation, sponges, mascara, and eyelashes—I like Ardell, which are about five bucks—just in case. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever have the chance to stop at a Sephora or not.
I haven’t washed my hair for eight or nine months; I just rinse it. So I didn’t really need any hair products.
I spent less than a thousand for everything, but I think that’s a pretty a typical experience. Well, I don’t actually really know—everyone kept their stuff in their bags for the most part because we were traveling every few days. There were some women who packed a lot. In fact, when we were leaving the mansion some girls optioned to ship an extra bag or two home because they’d have to pay for the extra bag fees on the planes. I think they could maybe get reimbursed if they kept their receipt, but it’s not like we had people to carry our luggage. So if you have five bags, that means you’re going to have to wheel them all onto the shuttle or the bus. It was a lot.
The show supplied little things, like face wash, face wipes, body lotion, shampoo, and conditioner. They had a lot of basics on hand whenever we needed them. If we ever needed to buy extras of things—I ran out of eyelashes, for instance—producers would let us use their phones to order stuff on Amazon and have it shipped to our next location. A lot of girls did that. I also bought a $50 jacket, and when I found out we were going to Florida I ordered a couple of swimsuits online that were about $20 each.
Food is also always provided by the show. And when we were at airports, production would buy us little things. It was kind of funny, like asking a mom or dad. You’d be like, “Can I get this magazine? Can I get these pistachios for the plane?” They’d pretty much always buy us things like that. Everything was taken care of, unless we wanted to order clothes.
PHOTO: Craig Sjodin
But spending money was a little scary because I basically quit my nanny job to go on the show. The baby that I was watching was transitioning into daycare at the time anyway, so it lined up. I was like, Well, I’m sure I’ll find one right when I get back. I’ve been nannying for the past five years, and whenever I moved to a new place I was always able to find a new job easily. But I didn’t realize how difficult it would be coming back. I had six weeks of not working, and then on top of that I didn’t get paid at all for being on the show. Plus, I took out expenses in preparation and then had to pay rent and bills while I was gone. I was definitely pretty broke when I got home.
Figuring out my rent and bills before I left was pretty difficult. I paid one of my monthly rents in advance, and then I gave my roommate the check to deposit if the second month came around and I wasn’t back. I gave my email passwords and my landlord’s number to my mom and had everything directed back to her. But it’s pretty crazy to have your phone off for that amount of time and not have access to your email. You have to be like, Welp, I hope everything’s taken care of! I was thankful I didn’t have, you know, a big girl job like some of the others. I can’t imagine being an accountant or a real estate agent and leaving for two months. It’s crazy.
Still, being on The Bachelor was one-hundred percent worth it. It gets you a lot of exposure, and it’s no secret that a lot of the women are able to support themselves after the show through social media advertising. I’m very lucky that I’ve had a lot of different opportunities come my way, through appearances and sponsored social media posts. And The Bachelor was really just a wonderful experience overall, so I’d certainly do it all over again.
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
First off, I am actively rooting for you, as you are one of the coolest contestants to ever be on The Bachelor. But I’ve found that this season and, for lack of a better word, the “storyline” the producers have given you feel very familiar to me. So I wouldn’t call what I want to tell you advice, per se—I don’t claim to know it all, nor do I think my experiences are superior to anybody else’s—but I, and likely many other women, have been in your position. We dated an Arie; we knew him; we cried over him; we sent texts we regret to him (arguably, the only benefit to not having a phone on The Bachelor). And by “an Arie,” I mean the type of man to pull the age card.
Arie views age in a really weird dichotomous way. He fetishizes young women (there is no one above 29 left—he’s 36). He’s also expressed to you that you’re so young, and he is so old, because he likes to get up early. There’s nothing worse when you’re 22, 23, or 24—or any age, really—than being told you’re “so young” and then mansplained how you can’t appreciate things like mornings or marriage. Who are these men to tell you what you can or cannot appreciate? Equally awful is when a prospective partner tries to tell you how to “view” something in order to be “accepted” by him—like this sport, be a “chill” girl, the whole “mold your dream to mine!” logic. The Bachelor enforces the twisted idea that women should shape-shift in order to meet the needs of some lonely man. One of the reasons you’ve emerged a fan favorite is because you clearly subvert those tropes that have been heavily pushed for nearly 16 years; you’re not going to change yourself for Arie.
But the age card is a particularly touchy, irritating, and frustrating thing. It’s literally something you can’t control. When an older guy (as in, older than you, not just, like, Old), uses his age as leverage against you, he likely does it because it makes him feel powerful and authoritative and therefore, somehow right, no matter how gravely wrong he is. Sometimes men do this because they’re intimidated by women and feel that using a concrete number is the only way they can retain power. Sometimes they do it because they want to be in control. It’s an infuriating dynamic.
I know this frustration too well because I’ve been told before that I was so young. In one instance I think it was meant to be an insult, but I found that a ridiculous thing to criticize me for—it wasn’t anything but a fact. You got it, man; how observant and good at calendars you are—I was born later than you! It was tiring to hear it all the time, like my age was something I should be apologizing for, when I had zero control over when I exited my mother’s womb.
Some of these men saw my age as a synonym for disposable—like Arie, they thought they could make the call if I was relationship-ready, which is unnerving. I also remember drunkenly sobbing over these guys, asking why?! Why couldn’t I be anything more? Why was the fact that I was “so young” (even if I was just approximately four years younger than they were) such a deal breaker? Were they right?! They couldn’t be! I was different! I’m independent, I said, I know what I’m doing, I’m mature, I pay rent, I don’t live with my parents…what else do you want from me? To alternate the way the space-time continuum works? And even if I was young, I could be his muse, and if he let me go, the thought of me would haunt his spirit forever because I changed him.
But for all of the songs I wrote while I was writhing in pain, there was one thing I couldn’t see then that I totally see now—and that any woman who has yearned for a man who rejected her can likely see: They weren’t good for me. Actually, they weren’t that great at all. It had nothing to do with their age—not all guys who are older are bad—but someone who pulls the age card is special type of loser. Men who like to tell women they’re young will likely never get over that very normal fact and will always keep saying it; they’ll love that false rush of power they get from pointing it out. That kind of man wouldn’t have been much fun to be in a relationship with. After all, he’s the same guy who makes us feel bad for being the very thing that we are and have no control over. The person who pushes us to spill our emotions in monologue form to “convince” him that we’re right for him.
My point is, Bekah M., that you’re too good for him, or any man like that. You deserve better than someone who mansplains time to you. I said I was “rooting for you,” and by that I mean, I hope you don’t end up with Arie. So if he eliminates this you week, don’t think of it as being eliminated. Think of it as being freed from the trappings of his toxic masculinity and his loud smacking kisses! Also, here is my humble plea for you to come back as The Bachelorette at your discretion.
Sincerely,
Mallory, a Person Who Has Certainly Given Monologues About Her Feelings And Has No Regrets
