On New Year’s Eve comedian Tiffany Haddish delivered such a terrible stand-up set that audience members stood up and walked out. It was so bad, in fact, that even Haddish knew it would make headlines. “This is gonna be on TMZ or whatever,” Haddish said. “Like, ‘Tiffany Haddish Ate a Bag of Dick on New Year’s Eve.'”
Well, not in quite those words. But news outlets did cover the incident. Haddish is famous and a black woman, and the appetite for stories about celebrities who mess up and/or embarrass themselves is insatiable. Mix that up, and there’s bound to be chatter. Still, as fans on Twitter pointed out, it’s normal for even the most experienced comics to bomb. Comedians need to test out new material all the time. Some of it lands and some falls flat. What’s remarkable about what happened to Haddish isn’t that she had a bad night. It’s that she took to social media within hours to own up to it.
https://twitter.com/TiffanyHaddish/status/1080155861173948418
Scientific studies and countless of op-eds have concluded that women apologize too much, and it’s true. (We are deeply sorry about that!) But it would be a mistake to suggest that Haddish is just one more woman who needs to learn not to be quite so remorseful. There’s a powerful difference between an impulse to take the blame no matter who’s at fault and a genuine desire to take ownership of a situation and move on.
Haddish didn’t tweet some endless statement delivered via her Notes app or hide from the bad press. She didn’t blame her audience or delete her Instagram. She just addressed the incident and promised to do better. Her peers in the industry responded soon after with messages of support:
https://twitter.com/chrissyteigen/status/1080297873852383232
https://twitter.com/jackiekashian/status/1080299729861263360
It’s the season of resolutions, so here’s one: From now on, let’s channel Haddish. So much in this insane cultural moment is outside of our control, but our behavior—what we do and how we react to even ill-expressed criticism of it—is still within our own jurisdiction.
Not to overstate it, but it feels to me as heroic to see a woman cop to failure as it does to watch a woman revel in her hard-earned success. We all mess up, although TMZ isn’t too interested in the particulars of that last ill-advised toast I gave. The point is not to get defensive, not to blame other people, not to offer a million and six justifications for our actions. It’s just to be honest and then to work at it. Whatever it is.
Over the past 12 months in particular, the list of men who would be wise to follow Haddish’s lead has multiplied. And while sexual harassment and a few inoffensive jokes are several universes apart, the principle holds—fewer excuses, more real vows not to repeat the same mistakes. Given recent leaked audio in which Louis C.K., noted comeback attempter, made fun of survivors of gun violence and those who use gender-neutral pronounces, I think we can anticipate that he will not take the Haddish route. But he should! It’s not weak or pathetic or “un-feminist” to admit failure. It’s just an acknowledgment of a gap between where we should be and where we are.
Haddish has little to apologize for, so it’s unfortunate (but not a surprise) that it did fall to her to model how to deal with a professional misstep. Women are still held to standards that men on their tiptoes could never reach. (Wear heels, men!) Thousands of men have made zero people laugh with little fanfare, but here we are. The fact is women don’t need to apologize more, but the world would be a lot better if women and men memorized the Haddish method—and normalized it.
