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Inside the Weird, Wonderful World of Gwyneth Paltrow's 'In Goop Health' Summit


“It’s exactly what you’d expect, huh?” a friend of mine, hunched over a plate of split-pea hummus and avocado toast, says as we gaze at the crowd. She’s not wrong. As far as the wellness world is concerned, I’ve always felt like somewhat of an outsider. I’m into SoulCycle and hip-hop yoga, but I’d mostly rather exercise alone in my basement in a dingy, old sorority tee. Diet-wise, I’ll always pick a burger over kale. And I don’t quite know what a yoni egg does; I just know my vagina, and I will be OK without one. In short, I wouldn’t have expected to find myself at Gwyneth Paltrow‘s wildly popular—and slightly controversial—In Goop Health wellness summit on a Saturday morning. And yet, here I am, wearing Lululemons and mingling at Goop’s first-ever conference on the East Coast. And yes, it’s pretty much what I expected.

When I first arrive, I’m greeted by a cheerful army of Gwyn mini-mes in $400 Goop sweaters. In a matter of minutes, they check me in, offer to swap my Stan Smiths for complimentary Minnetonka slippers, and arm me with a tote bag and program. From there, it’s on to photos at an Insta wall (which appears to be made from cabbage and radishes) and off to the hygge-like great hall. It’s a Goop fan’s dream: There’s a beautifully curated shopping area with everything from $445 gym bags to fancy blenders to, yes, jade vagina eggs, and just about every clean eating and beauty offering you can imagine. Small stations for manis and massages are sprinkled around the room, as is a booth for tarot readings (this booth would have the longest line all day, which bummed me out because, unlike a B12 vitamin injection, I would have actually tried it).

A glance at my schedule shows there are over 10 hours of panels, breathing workshops, and Ayurvedic spa treatments planned for the 600 Goop-ies in attendance, each of whom have paid anywhere from $650 to $2,000 for a ticket. Fourty-one die-hard participants even threw down for the $4,500 Wellness Weekender package—a two-night stay featuring an exclusive dinner and cocktail party with Gwyneth, extra workout classes, and monogrammed bathrobes, among other bonuses.

“People think women who are too Goopy are a little bit kooky, but I find that sexist.” —Alexa, 28

It’s clear the Goop philosophy attracts a certain kind of woman: ambitious, spiritual, fit, privileged. Mostly everyone appears to be in their twenties to late thirties, and also like a majority of the speakers (a mix of dietitians, doctors, and one psychic-medium), nearly everyone is white.

PHOTO: Astrid Stawiarz

Shots of vitamin B12 from The Hydration Room (the same brand that offered hangover-fighting IV-drips at the L.A. summit) were given to participants looking for a natural energy boost.

As the day progresses and I talk more with the women around me, I come to realize the summit isn’t so much about healing crystals and coffee enemas, but rather a sense of curiosity and community. “People think women who are too Goopy are a little bit kooky, but I find that sexist,” says Alexa Moraif, 28, a freelance publicist in New York City. “Whenever women are interested in learning something that’s off the beaten path, historically, they’re told they’re crazy or a witch. The people here are really just open-minded.”

To be fair, there are certainly a few moments that—albeit interesting and entertaining—might garner a few eye rolls from those more cynical. For example, the first talk of the day kicked off with medium and author Laura Lynne Jackson doing on-the-spot spiritual readings with audience members’ departed relatives. At one point, the whole room burst into laughter because a loved one wanted to pass on the message that a Philly football fan would soon be “very happy.” (Place your Super Bowl bets now!)

But most of the women I talk to approach the day’s discussions with a healthy amount of skepticism. They’re mostly interested in hearing different points of view and networking with other driven women with similar interests.

Heather McDowell, 39, founder and CEO of Tickle Water, a sparkling water brand for kids, says that even though she lives in New York, she spent extra on the staycation package to connect with other passionate women in her field. “My friends aren’t quite as passionate about the wellness space as I am, so I was really hoping to meet other women who are aligned in thinking with me—and I feel like I really have,” she says. “We’re at moment in time where women are acknowledging and really acting on our empowerment. But doing that isn’t all roses and cherries.” (The summit even acknowledged that: Gwyneth herself led a panel on feminism and sexual harassment that was the most powerful of the day). McDowell, for her part, says running her own company hasn’t left her with much time for friends, and she often has to pick three of her top five priorities to focus on, which end up being work, family, and exercise. The summit, she says, makes feel like she isn’t at it alone: “I met some women last night who really poured their heart out. It’s a struggle, and it’s hard. We need to support each other.”

Vicki Collins, 35, a registered nurse from Saskatchewan, traveled roughly five hours with a friend to attend the conference. “I knew about the summit in L.A. because I get the Goop newsletter,” she says. “There was a lot of ridicule around it being so expensive and out of touch, but honestly, the ridicule around it only made me more curious. I wanted to know what my opinion would be on it.” The more she debated the idea of attending, she tells me, the more the idea spoke to her. “It’s just so nice to have the weekend away and meet so many other women and hear their perspectives.”

And while the summit meets my expectations, Collins says it defied hers: “I expected it to be super consumer-driven. But I really didn’t feel like that at the end of the day. It was a lot more inspirational and felt like a sharing of information. I feel well taken care of—I even bought some books to bring home with me.” That and a suitcase full of $3,000-worth of wellness swag from Goop’s sponsors. No matter why you came, no one left empty-handed.

in goop Health Summit

PHOTO: Ilya S. Savenok



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This 'Riverdale' Sex Scene Is So Weird, and We Need to Talk About It


2017 was a hell of a year, to say the least. There were a few highs, several lows, and many months where I thought, “It’s still 2017?” But as I reflect on this past year, there’s one moment that stands out from all the rest. One moment that haunts my dreams, makes me sweat, and still bewilders me. It’s a watershed event that changed the course of culture forever—we’re all different people because of it. I’m talking, of course, about the Veronica and Archie shower sex scene from Riverdale. When historians write about us 100 years from now, they’ll think about this scene and shudder—because it’s just that intense.

But wait, were you sleeping for the entire year and missed out on what happened? Here’s a brief synopsis, if so: In the first episode of season two, Archie’s father, Fred, is shot by the Black Hood and rushed to the hospital. Archie, who was with his father during the shooting and is bloodied up himself, stays at the hospital for hours before going home—with Veronica—to get some rest. He’s clearly shaken up and decides to take a shower and clean the residual blood off his skin, as any normal person would.

All of this grief is an aphrodisiac for Veronica, though, because she follows Archie into the bathroom, strips naked, and hops into the shower with him—as his father’s blood swirls down the drain. They then proceed to make out feverishly and presumably bang. In the shower. With Fred Andrews’ blood in it.

Watch it for yourself, below. My head is honestly spinning reliving this again.

[embedded content]

What the hell is even happening here? I’m aroused and horrified and confused all at once. But mostly just confused, because the events leading up to this Bloody Shower Bone just don’t add up. Let’s break things down, shall we?

First, we have Archie. Archie’s sad. Look how he’s pursing his lips here—normally he has a goofy grin on his face. But not now: This is the face of a sad, very hot dude.

PHOTO: The CW

A sad, very hot dude with a cast. A cast that’s covered in blood.

PHOTO: The CW

See the blood circling the drain? That’s his father’s blood. His father, who has just been shot.

Now, here’s Veronica. Veronica knows her boyfriend is sad, but she doesn’t know how to comfort him. She’s confused.

PHOTO: The CW

So, naturally, her first thought is, “Hmmm, maybe some sex will help Archie get over the fact his father was shot at point-blank range by a masked psychopath.”

PHOTO: The CW

And Archie’s like, “Wow, I’m not sad anymore. Sure, Veronica, hop in here and let’s have sex! Just watch out for my father’s blood! Ha!”

PHOTO: The CW

Finally, they kiss. DOES ARCHIE STILL HAVE BLOOD ON HIS HANDS?! Look how red they are! And why did Veronica take off everything but her pearl jewelery? So many questions, but zero answers. All we know is that this scene went from devastating to steamy in point-five seconds. These teens move quickly.

PHOTO: The CW

This scene polarized Riverdale fans. Half of them thought Varchie’s bloody shower sex was hot; the other half thought it was downright creepy. Oddly, I’m somewhere in the middle. This is KJ Apa and Camila Mendes, after all. They’re hot people! They could make out on a pile of literal garbage while wearing trash bags, and it’d still be saucy. But the fact of the matter is they boned while Fred Andrews’ blood was still warm on the floor. That’s weird, no matter how you dice it—and no matter how hot Apa and Mendes are.

This isn’t kink-shaming, either. It’s the simple fact that Archie was beside himself over his dad one minute, and the next he was making out with Veronica in the friggin’ shower. In what world…does that happen? None. The answer is none. That’s not how human emotion works—not even for teens with names like “Jughead.”

But in true Riverdale fan fashion, please leave me to watch this scene on repeat and fantasize about being Veronica.

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Even Lili Reinhart Thinks the Black Hood Mystery Isn’t Totally Solved Yet on Riverdale

Lili Reinhart Says Betty’s Riverdale Dance Was Supposed to ‘Make You Uncomfortable’



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Lady Gaga Has a Weird Christmas Sex Song You've Probably Never Heard


Lady Gaga has pulled a lot of, erm, spirited stunts in her career. She once wore an outfit made entirely out of Kermit the Frog heads. In 2010, she decided literal meat was proper attire for the MTV Video Music Awards. And she’s spent the greater part of the past two years wearing a pink cowboy hat un-ironically. She marches to the beat of her own drum—and if that means getting puked on by a “vomit artist” while performing at South by Southwest, then that’s what it means, damn it.

But none of Gaga’s stunts are stranger than her actual music—in the best way possible, of course. All of her biggest hits—”Bad Romance,” “Applause,” “Just Dance,” etc.—are sonically weird, but they somehow work. They became mainstream because of Gaga’s clever lyrics and the producers’ monster beats. Reinventing pop music is Gaga’s thing, TBH, and she hits the mark almost every time.

Notice how I said the word “almost,” because there have been a few times where Gaga’s music just didn’t work—for a multitude of reasons. And one of those times was “Christmas Tree,” a bizarre electronic song she released in December 2008 where she essentially makes Christmas trees a metaphor for sex. Why Gaga thought, “Light me up, put me on top, let’s fa la la la la la la la la” was a solid lyrical choice will remain one of pop music’s greatest mysteries.

There are more cringe-worthy gems where that came from, too Here is just a sample of the lyrics found in “Christmas Tree”:

  • “The only place you wanna be is underneath my Christmas tree”

  • “Ho ho ho under the mistletoe/Yes, everybody knows/We will take off
    our clothes”

  • “My Christmas tree is delicious” (What the hell… does this mean?)

Have the holidays been ruined for you yet? No? Well, they will when you actually hear the song. (To be fair, it’s pretty catchy. This is a
Lady Gaga song, after all. She knows how to craft a good bop, even ones about…banging underneath a Christmas tree.)

Listen to it, below, and be transformed. Seriously, you’ll never be the same.

[embedded content]

Still confused? Below, read the full lyrics:

Ra-pa-pum-pum
Ra-pa-pum-pum
Ra-pa-pum-pum
Ra-pa-pum-pum

Light me up, put me on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la
Light me up, put me on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la

The only place you’ll want to be
Is underneath my Christmas tree
The only place you want to be
Is underneath my Christmas tree

Light me up, put me on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la
Light me up, put me on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la

Ho ho ho (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Under the mistletoe (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Yes, everybody knows (ra-pa-pum-pum)
We will take off our clothes (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Yes, if you want us to, we will
You…

Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious
Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious

Light you up, put you on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la (let’s go!)
Light you up, put you on top
Let’s fa la la la la, la la la la (let’s go!)

Ho ho ho (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Under the mistletoe (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Yes, everybody knows (ra-pa-pum-pum)
We will take off our clothes (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Yes, if you want us to we will
You…

Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious
Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious

Here, here, here (ra-pa-pum-pum)
The best time of the year (ra-pa-pum-pum)
Take off my stockings where?
I’m spreading Christmas cheer
Yes, if you want us to we will

Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious
Oh-oh, a Christmas
My Christmas tree’s delicious

Space Cowboy
Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga
And she goes
Space Cowboy
Lady Gaga, Lady Gaga
Here we go
Cherry Cherry Boom Boom

Santa Claus is shook. Mrs. Claus is calling the cops. Rudolph’s nose is on fire. Everything that was once sweet and tender about Christmas has been destroyed. Destroyed! There goes your childhood! There goes humanity!

Kidding. This track is actually super fun, but bizarre nonetheless. And it’s sex positive—in, like, a kitschy sort of way. If this is how 2008 Gaga wanted to spend her Christmas—or how you want to spend yours now—then we totally support it. Live your best, most authentic life this December 25 with whatever “Christmas tree” you want.

Related Stories:

Lady Gaga on Pop, Politics, and the Power of Women

Lady Gaga’s Netflix Documentary: 8 Reveals That Will Surprise Even the Biggest Little Monsters

Lady Gaga Is Reportedly Engaged to Christian Carino



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Trump Just Managed to Make Halloween Candy Weird


While most kids were parading around elementary school in their costumes at their annual school Halloween parties, the children of White House journalists went trick-or-treating in the Oval Office on Friday. As much as President Donald Trump likes to hate on the media, he took time out of his day to give the kids candy and have a photo op around his desk. But in true Trump fashion, things quickly got a little awkward.

Children dressed up as characters like unicorns, Princess Leia, and Batman gathered around the desk and, as kids do, they went pretty much silent when a man like the president started talking to them. They shuffled around, finally making their way to Trump as he asked them to come stand by him. He comforted a crying child and complimented them all on their costumes. But throughout the visit, he couldn’t help but make pointed jabs at the kids’ parents.

“I cannot believe the media just produced such beautiful children,” the President joked. They continued standing around as the cameras clicked. “You’re going to grow up to be like your parents? Hmm, don’t answer. That can only get me in trouble, that question.”

Things were getting uncomfortable, but bags of treats arrived just in time to the save the day. Well, at first: Trump went on to make even Halloween candy awkward.

As the president handed the bags out to the kids, he said, “You have no weight problems—that’s the good news, right? So, you take out whatever you need, OK? If you want some for your friends, take ’em. We have plenty.”

Apparently it’s never too early to start bringing up issues of body image with elementary school kids all excited about dressing up. Here’s hoping they can get by with a simple “Trick or treat!” for the rest of their Halloween fun on Tuesday.

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The 'This Is Us' Cast Played 'Never Have I Ever,' and It Got Weird


PHOTO: TheEllenShow/Youtube

Every Tuesday night, This is Us makes us laugh, cry, and say “aw.” And apparently the same goes when the cast reunites IRL. The latest adorable Pearson family moment comes to us by way of Ellen DeGeneres’s Youtube show, “Ellen’s Show Me More Show,” where Milo Ventimiglia, Mandy Moore, and Sterling K. Brown played “Never Have I Ever.”

The two actors—who play father and son, Jack and Randall Pearson—immediately showed their TV wife and mom love with the first question, “Have you ever jammed out to a Mandy Moore song?” Turns out, the only person of the trio to say never was Mandy herself. While Milo and Sterling weren’t fully buying it, the thought of the two men listening to “Candy is honestly a beautiful visual.

Things get progressively more racy when the actors are asked if they ever had a sex dream about a co-star, to which Ventimiglia responds, “What job we talkin’ about?” (Ironically, he has an affinity for dating his on-screen love interests, including Hayden Panettiere and Alexis Bledel.) Brown takes it one step further, insinuating that he’s had “special” dreams about Moore, nuzzling in her in the ear and saying, “Oh mommy.” OK, one step too far, Sterling.

But because it’s the This Is Us cast, they had to end on an incredibly sappy note. As they all declare “never have I ever felt as close to cast mates as I have on this show,” both men kiss Moore on the cheek, as she says, “This is the best job I’ve ever had and that’s thanks in large part to you guys.” Is Dan Fogelman scripting their real life interactions now too?

[embedded content]

Related: The Secret Reason Why ‘This Is Us’ Is So Good At Making You Cry



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This 'Game of Thrones' Theory Explains Why Tyrion Was So Weird About Jon and Dany


The highlight—or lowlight, depending on your stance—of the Game of Thrones season finale was when Jon and Daenerys finally had sex. This, erm, union was a long time coming; show-runners have been teasing their sexual tension since the beginning of the season. (That cave scene, anyone?) Of course, the fact they’re related—Dany is Jon’s aunt—is why some fans don’t ship their coupling, but the other half of the GoT army doesn’t care. After all, this show started with an incest scene between Cersei and Jaime Lannister. Blood relatives sleeping together apparently isn’t a big deal in this world.

What is a big deal, however, is the fact Tyrion was lurking outside the room where Jon and Dany were getting it on. Why was he out there? Was he just grossed out? Pissed off?

According to this new Reddit theory by a user named AchievementJoe, it’s much deeper than that. AchievementJoe thinks Tyrion betrayed Jon and Dany during his meeting with Cersei—and that’s why he was pacing outside the room. So…is it guilt?

“I’m thinking Tyrion may have told Cersei before she walked back into the Dragon Pit to just tell Daenerys and Jon what they wanted to hear so that the meeting ended in good terms,” AchievementJoe writes. “It seemed to be an important aspect of the meeting to tell a lie. So I’m thinking Tyrion actually knows that Cersei won’t back down and that she plans to attack while they are away and that is why he is so disappointed while Jon and Dany are doing the dirty because he knows that the truce is all a facade.”

Come to think about it, the beginning of the finale sort of hinted Tyrion would commit some kind of betrayal. Remember when he told Jon he should learn to lie to powerful people? “Have you ever considered learning how to lie every now and then? Just a bit?” he said. He was literally talking about how great lying is before doing some lying himself.

Well, lying might not be the best word for this; Tyrion essentially hid a part of the truth. So when will Jon and Dany find out the full story? When Cersei just straight-up doesn’t come to Winterfell? Regardless of when it happens, we’re scared for Tyrion. You don’t want to piss off Dany. She has an army of dragons.

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Jon Snow and Daenerys Finally Had Sex in the Game of Thrones Season Finale, and the Internet Is Torn



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