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How to Handle Mismatched Libidos, According to a Neuroscientist


As a sex therapist, relationship expert, and neuroscientist who studies sex and the brain, I get tons of questions about how to deal with a sex life that no longer sizzles. Here’s the secret: The biggest issue that stalls a sex life after the honeymoon glow of new relationship energy (NRE) wears off boils down to one basic problem: a simple difference in libido.

What I mean by libido is way more complicated than a high or low sex drive. In a recent column, I explained that sexual desire comes in different forms. We can have active desire, when we feel “horny” and have the urge to merge. Increasing your active desire can be as simple as whipping out a vibrator and tuning into your own arousal. But there’s also responsive desire that lurks below the surface and can be jump started by romantic wooing or physical stimulation.

Your Sex Drive Horoscope

Beyond active and responsive desire, there’s another important factor that shapes our libidos. I call this our unique erotic “love styles,” which include both what turns us on and how we like to have sex.

It’s important is honor your own erotic love style while respecting your partner’s. The key to this is understanding how your styles intersect. Think of it like your sex drive horoscope—some love-styles mesh easily, while others might seem mismatched. Understanding our partner’s needs and wants as well as our own can empower ways to build bridges between different styles and provide good fuel to keep your sex drive alive.

Over 30 years of working with couples, I’ve identified seven main love styles. You may find yourself in more than category, depending on your mood or current situation.

The Soulful Lover

Likes eye gazing, romance, and tender lovemaking. They’re the touchy-feely type of lover, enjoying contact and closeness above all. Soulful Lovers tend to be allergic to partners who are more fixated on intensity. For the Soulful Lover, wild and crazy sex may be less satisfying than sex that’s primarily about connection.

The Rough and Tumble Lover

Feels it isn’t sex unless some furniture goes flying. They tend to have high set points of active desire which makes them a bit on the randy side. Because sex for them is more like an athletic event, they don’t often mesh well with a Soulful Lover who needs things gentle, warm and fuzzy.

The Needy Lover

Is needy in general, not just in terms of sex. Because they focus on their own experience, their partners might feel “used” as a form of stress relief. The Giver (see below) and the Soulful Lover might not mind fulfilling this function if the needy partner stays present and isn’t just concerned about getting his or her rocks off. A Rough and Tumble hot sex lover might enjoy this kind of partner because the Needy Lover’s need to connect might make them willing to dial up the intensity of sex as a sport.

The Giver

Gets turned on by giving their partners pleasure. Their turn-on is literally the partner’s turn-on. These lovers can be an absolute delight for individuals with tons of turn-ons to share. These people aren’t going to mesh well with lovers who have trouble with arousal or generally low levels of spontaneous or responsive desire. And having two “Givers” as partners might end up as an impasse while each awaits the other’s turn- on.

The Anxious Lover

Can be so incapacitated by performance anxiety that self-consciousness squashes sexual desire period. This proves to be more of a problem for men since they’re often expected to initiate sex and perform. As the NRE bump declines, the Anxious Lover feels loss when their partner may not be so insistent in pursuing them. The self-doubt, worry, and self-consciousness tend to build, making them a tough match for any but the most patient Soulful Lover or most enthusiastic Explorer (see below).

The Low Sex Driver

Typically has a low baseline of desire—regardless of circumstances. NRE may bump up sexual appetite which makes for a satisfying honeymoon period. If the Low Sex Driver gets into a long-term relationship with an individual with a high sex drive (like the Explorer, see below), the responsive sex drive in the Low Sex Driver might be sufficient to keep the sex life alive. Otherwise, this kind of person is a tough match for any other erotic love-style except of course another Low Sex Driver.

The Explorer

Is someone unconstrained by norms and not only willing to explore sexuality in all sorts of ways but often requiring intensity and novelty. Some may think of Explorers as “kinky.” The Explorer is simply someone who enjoys tons of new sex activities as play and experimentation. Explorers can range from the toe dipper to the major full tilt arctic adventurer. They may not mesh well with Soulful Lovers who need sex to be gentle and predictable or Anxious Lovers who find it all too scary.



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How to Increase Your Sex Drive, According to a Neuroscientist


The remedy? Unplug from your devices and turn them off for some portion of the day. I recommend three device-free periods each day. That means the phone or computer is turned off or in another room. Not only will this give you a break from the drain of continuous partial attention, it can also help boost your mood—and your sex drive.

## 5. Try breathing exercises.

When you unplug from your devices, use that time to plug into your body. Scientists call this the relaxation response: how we can use our bodies to calm our minds. There are various ways to do this including focusing on the breath or a soothing sound or image. Any strategy that allows you to break the chain of everyday thought can help ramp up the calming ability of the autonomic nervous system, known as the parasympathetic response. This state is key to all sorts of bodily functions including digestion, healing, and most relevantly, sexual arousal.

A simple practice that can reduce our stress reactivity: Breathe in for a count of four, breathe out for a count of six. Repeat six times.

## 6. Use your words.

Getting what you want sexually can help increase both your active and responsive desire. If you’re really into nipple orgasms, but your partner has no idea they’re a thing, speak up. Taking a risk to ask for what we want can be scary, but it’s also the way to boost the ongoing sexual potential of our partnerships. And remember, it’s important to prioritize our own pleasure.

## 7. Understand your cycle.

For women, active desire tends to vary across the menstrual cycle, usually peaking at the time of ovulation. This is the time of the month when women are most likely to initiate sex. In fact, women tend to have 24% more sex during the days when they are fertile, even if they aren’t trying to get pregnant.

Understanding the natural fluctuations in your sex drive can help you boost it. If you were all over your partner last week but this week feel as though you’re in a desire desert, don’t panic. Instead, make time for activities that can help boost your responsive desire like tapping into what turns you on in life in general. Tuning into what makes us feel fully alive, engaged, excited, and enthusiastic about our lives beyond the bedroom can translate into a kind of erotic energy we can bring back to our sex lives.

## 8. Check your birth control.

Some women taking birth control pills experience a decrease in libido. If this is happening to you, consider speaking to your doctor about finding a non-hormonal method of birth control that doesn’t dampen your desire.

## 9. Masturbate.

We know that masturbating strengthens the neural connections between our genitals and the places in the brain that register sexual sensation and pleasure. (I should know since my lab mapped them). This practice will literally strengthen these pleasure pathways, making orgasms easier to access and even more potent.

There also appears to be a hormonal explanation for why self-pleasure can increase your sex drive with your partner. Masturbation can provide a short-term boost to our testosterone levels. And since testosterone is what drives the sex drive in both sexes, we can end up feeling more desire as a result.

## 10. Have more sex.

And the more sex we have, the more sex we usually want. Once we’ve had an experience, like having sex, it’s more likely to stay on our minds. This can prime us to be more attuned to our sexual selves.

##11. Don’t stress if you’re not feeling it.

Everyone’s desire curve is different. Some people have a high baseline level of active sexual desire, others don’t.

So, don’t worry if you don’t feel actively like having sex. Take advantage of when you do. And as the course of desire flows over the month, or the course of relationship, learn what works for you to jumpstart the engine of your responsive desire.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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How to Squirt During Sex, According to A Neuroscientist


Buckle up folks, we’re about to dive into a controversial sex question: how to squirt during sex? “Squirting,” more accurately known as female ejaculation (and sometimes called “shejaculate” by the Internet) remains one of the more highly debated and controversial topics in sex science to date. Many experts still debate whether female ejaculation even exists—in the year 2020 we still haven’t yet sorted out female sexual physiology.

Anything to do with female sexuality has, and continues to be, taboo in the strongest sense of the word. As a sex therapist turned neuroscientist, this is what fuels my work—and exactly what I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters. The truth is, we probably know just as much (if not more) about the composition of the fluids that flowed on the surface of Mars billions of years ago than we do about the nature of what is expelled by the human female during sex. How is that possible given references to female ejaculation date back to fourth century ancient Taoist texts?

We can partially blame the stigma. It’s certainly understandable that women might be too ashamed to admit that they ejaculate, never mind be willing to show up in a lab to be studied. But the result is that we remain so clueless about squirting that some medical professionals continue to insist that any fluid that leaks out of a woman during sex is urine—a result of incontinence.

Time to set the record straight.

What is squirting?

Let’s take a moment to distinguish between ejaculation (aka “squirting” during sex) and lubrication. Lubrication is a slippery substance secreted by the walls of the vagina when you’re aroused, while ejaculate is a watery fluid expelled during sexual stimulation or orgasm, through the urethra—the tube that transports urine from the bladder out of the body.

Experts aren’t entirely sure where the fluid comes from, but research indicates that the Skene’s glands, (also known as the paraurethral glands or “urethral sponge“) are involved. This tube of tissue wraps around the urethra and as arousal builds, the erectile compartments swell up like a bunch of grapes filled with fluid, according to Sheri Winston, author of Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure. Where does the fluid come from? It’s filtered out from the watery part of our blood plasma and combines with secretions similar in composition to those from the male prostate to make female ejaculate. It sounds strange but it’s just nature at work—in fact, It’s similar to how nursing mothers make breast milk, which also involves fluids filtered from the blood.

Because the science of squirting is woefully sparse, this is up for debate. Some experts still claim that the larger amounts of ejaculate involved in squirting—more than a teaspoonful or so—are urine and we don’t have sufficient studies to say for sure. Personally, based on what we know about the anatomy of the urethral sponge, I believe that women’s capacity to squirt larger quantities of fluid (not urine) will ultimately be validated scientifically.

Why do you squirt?

The short answer is that when fluids build up in the erectile tissue of the urethral sponge, they need to be released.

Some believe that the fluids expelled during sex may function to protect the urinary system from infection by cleansing the urethra during and after intercourse.

Can everyone squirt?

The International Society for Sexual Medicine asserts that ejaculation indeed is a “thing,” reported by 10-50% of women depending on how the question is asked. The volume of ejaculate can vary widely—ranging from small, barely noticeable amounts to gushing streams—so there is big variability in how women define and report their experience. Some experts believe that all women ejaculate but don’t know it as the fluid may flow backward into the bladder. So it’s completely possible that you’ve experienced squirting during sex and just not realized it.



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Is Masturbation Healthy? A Neuroscientist Weighs In


Is masturbation healthy? When it comes to sex—which is already so taboo—talking about masturbation is one of the most uncomfortable of subjects. It’s one thing to admit to being sexual with a partner, but quite another to admit to taking pleasure into your own hands—literally and figuratively. Especially for women. But as a certified sex therapist and neuroscientist, I’ve got good news: masturbation isn’t just pleasurable, it’s good for you.

For years I’ve worked with people with anxiety, depression, or relationship issues, treated people with problems in the bedroom, and taught human sexuality courses (when I’m not busy conducting sex research as a neuroscience Ph.D.), and yet, I continue to be amazed about how uncomfortable people are when it comes to discussing sex in general and their own sexual health in particular. It isn’t unusual for me to have to reassure a talk show host who cautions me to be careful about what I say on the air since they don’t really “talk about sex” on their show. I think to myself, “What? you’ve had a show for decades that deals with health and lifestyle issues and you haven’t talked about sex?”

My work with couples and in the lab conducting studies has proved time and time again that pleasure isn’t just important but necessary—something I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters—based largely on my research of the female orgasm, which can relieve stress, improve mood, reduce pain, boost immunity, and enhance self-esteem.

So, when someone asks me if masturbation is healthy, the answer is a resounding yes. Here’s why:

Do most people masturbate?

The short answer? Yes. The longer answer? More men do than women.

Despite the persistent taboo around masturbation, statistics show that in western cultures, most people do it. In the U.S., roughly 80 percent of women between the ages of 25-40 say they’ve masturbated at some point in their lives, with 50 percent of women between the ages of 18-24 reporting having masturbated during the past year.

Men tend to masturbate more often than women—largely because women are still shamed for being “too sexual.” If you group men and women together, nearly 76 percent of young adults between the ages of 25 and 29 report self-pleasuring over the past year

Is masturbation healthy?

I consider masturbation to be one of the best forms of self-care. Not only does it feel good, it’s good for you.

First, there are the physical benefits of masturbation. My research involved having participants masturbate to orgasm in an fMRI scanner to document how the brain responds to genital stimulation leading up to and culminating in the big O. We found that when you experience sexual pleasure, many areas of the brain receive more oxygen.

Sufficient oxygen is absolutely critical to healthy brain function, so the widespread increase in blood flow to the brain (particularly regions involved in sensation, movement, cognition, reward, and hormone production) make orgasm a great workout for nearly your whole brain. Orgasm triggers the release of a cascade of substances such as natural painkillers, stress relievers, and mood enhancers. Think of your brain enjoying a delicious cocktail of increased dopamine, (associated with reward and enthusiasm), endorphins (our own internally produced opioids promoting feelings of wellbeing), serotonin (calming), and oxytocin (facilitating bonding). The result is a health-promoting natural high.

A regular masturbation practice also has other benefits. When women learn to cultivate the pleasures of masturbation, we radically challenge some of the sex-negative notions pervading our culture. Rather than focusing on being a sex object for someone else, masturbation allows us to focus on being intrinsically sexual beings whose bodies are places of pleasure that exist at times just for us. It puts your pleasure first.

Are there side effects of too much masturbation?

Any behavior which becomes compulsive can become problematic. I have treated men whose masturbation practices have gotten out of control, causing physical and emotional distress, even interrupting their ability to go to work. These compulsive sexual behaviors appear less frequently in women, although they have been reported. In general, out of control sexual behaviors can result when people have trouble regulating their moods and use sex to self soothe.

The bottom line? By making a commitment to prioritizing your own pleasure though cultivating a regular masturbation practice, you will reap big benefits.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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How to Have Good Sex, According to a Neuroscientist


Dr. Nan Wise, a certified-sex therapist turned neuroscientist, knows a lot about how to have good sex. In addition to the three decades she spent helping women (and men) improve their sex lives—she made history by leading a team of researchers who studied how the brain responds to sexual stimulation and orgasm, demonstrating that the Big O is associated with big benefits for the brain and body. Her work highlights the importance of pleasure—namely, that it’s not a luxury you should expect only from really good sex, but a necessary component to wellbeing that should be prioritized.

Dr. Nan talks about all this and more in her new Glamour column, Ask Dr. Nan, and in the following excerpt from her book Why Good Sex Matters, out this month.

Look anywhere in the media or on the streets of any major city (or suburb or small town for that matter) and we appear to be wholly focused on pleasure. Invitations to enjoy sex, food, sports, spas, exotic vacations, romantic escapes, and gamified apps abound, all promising a
hit of relaxation, a high of excitement, an emotional or physical reprieve, and an answer to our aching need to destress. From this vantage point, an anthropologist visiting our planet might conclude that ours is a culture gluttonous for pleasure and sexually ravenous.

We should be feeling tons of pleasure. But are we really that turned on?

The answer, unfortunately, is no. What I observe daily in my clinical practice is that for all of this pleasure-seeking behavior, all this wanting of pleasure, very few of us seem able to fully experience the sensations or satisfaction we seek. Interspersed with these pleas or promises for pleasure is an equally consistent message: almost continual advertisements for antidepressant and antianxiety medications—one in five Americans will experience an episode of mental illness, while the rates of major depression and anxiety disorders steeply rise.

This is where my work comes in. The experience of pleasure can be described as sexual and sensual but also intellectual and fanciful, physical and emotional. The brain is not only the command center for sex, it’s also a generator of pleasure. This is why for the past twelve
years I have been working in the lab to study what happens in the brain during sex.

Like many a scientist before me, I began my research by using myself as a guinea pig for my own studies. I had spent endless hours conducting brain-imaging studies of women having orgasms in the fMRI in order to understand more about how pleasure—in the ultimate form of an orgasm—plays out in the brain, showing that an orgasm not only feels good but is good for us.

I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients about how to have good sex and why it matters. These lessons apply to all of us who want to leave anhedonia—the inability to feel pleasure—behind and truly embrace our sexual potential.

1. Don’t judge your erotic self.

Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. Become curious about your sexuality and explore what turns you on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—your sexual style reflecting how typically think about, experience, and desire sex—whatever it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? As Beverly Whipple, my beloved mentor, and world-renowned expert on sexual health recommends, become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don’t forget about sounds and tastes. Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses.

3. Be patient about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

Often the best way to connect is by going beyond words. Simply do what people who are in the ecstatic state of new romantic love spend tons of time doing—eye gazing. Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the person you fell in love with. Spoon your partner, hold them, and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac entrainment” with lovers when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that if we tell them how we truly feel we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships. Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes impact us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Seeking pleasure that feels good and is good for us—what I call healthy hedonism—is not a luxury, but a necessity for a healthy, balanced emotional brain. And sex is a potent form of healthy hedonism. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex, and also good relationships, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. Sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control. When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

This essay has been condensed and adapted for Glamour from WHY GOOD SEX MATTERS by Nan Wise, Ph.D. © 2020 by Nan Wise. Reproduced by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. All rights reserved.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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What Does An Orgasm Feel Like? A Neuroscientist Explains


For all the time our society spends talking about sex, many women are still asking themselves this question: What does an orgasm feel like?

As a certified sex therapist turned neuroscientist, I get asked about orgasms a lot. In my new column for Glamour, I’m here to address your pressing questions about sex, love, and pleasure. With over three decades of experience studying the science of pleasure, I can say without a doubt that the ability to experience potent and satisfying pleasures like orgasm isn’t a luxury—female pleasure is a necessity for our health and wellbeing (something I talk about in much more detail in my new book Why Good Sex Matters out later this month).

The female orgasm is a fantastic thing: it can be triggered by stimulating the clitoris, vagina, nipples, cervix, or an out-of-this-world combination of all of the above. Here what you need to know about what an orgasm feels like, and how to prioritize having more of them.

For starters, what is an orgasm?

Although there’ve been many attempts to define and describe the elusive experience of the “big O,” my favorite, and simplest of all, was coined by Charles Kinsey, a pioneer in the study of human sexuality. In scientist speak, he nailed it: “The expulsive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of the sexual response.”

Here’s how that breaks down: “Neuro” refers to the nerves of the body and neurons of the brain, “muscular” refers to muscles, and explosive discharge, well, speaks for itself. An orgasm is an intensely pleasurable response to sexual stimulation.

Having one doesn’t necessarily involve the genitals. Case in point: “nipplegasms.” There are even some talented individuals who appear able to experience a “thought” or “imagery”-induced orgasm, without any physical stimulation at all. Lucky them.

My research has demonstrated that the “big O “is indeed a “big brain” event, increasing blood flow to a range of brain regions, which is good for brain health. In fact, having an orgasm may be better for your brain than doing crossword puzzles—not to mention, much more fun.

What should an orgasm feel like?

A study done back in the 1970s asked male and female college students to describe how their orgasms felt. Most of the descriptions involved a pleasurable release of built-up tensions, experienced as an explosion of sensation, sometimes bordering on the ecstatic, and finally a wave of warmth, peace, and relaxation.

The truth is, orgasms exist on a spectrum: There are orgasms, and then there are ORGASMS! Some are pleasant, but not earth-shattering, and others are screaming-laughing-crying episodes of pure ecstasy. Both are important and valid.

I tend to discourage people from “shoulding” on themselves or their experiences. When we evaluate how things should feel or how they should be, we take ourselves away from the experience. My book, Why Good Sex Matters is not entitled Why Great Sex Matters for an important reason; when we start evaluating our erotic lives, chasing and seeking great sex or super or multiple orgasms, we miss the point, likely sabotaging our own capacity for pleasure. Good sex involves being present to the experience we are having. And a good orgasm is any orgasm that comes along.

What is the difference between the female orgasm and the male orgasm?

One big difference is that males have a refractory period after orgasm, which shuts down the sex party, at least for a while. Females are not wired that way—women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms during sexual activity. In a recent study using a nationally representative sample of 1005 women, a whopping 47% of women reported having multiple orgasms.



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