Two people were held for ransom during tonight’s Riverdale episode, and that’s not even the craziest thing that happened. We haven’t even gotten to Betty pointing a gun at Chic yet, but we’ll get to that. Read on as I take an Alka Seltzer:
OK, so all episodes of Riverdale from here on out need to begin with Cheryl in a black Vixens outfit, singing a funeral hymnal. Basically, everyone’s shook over Midge Klump’s death at the hands of someone who claims to be the Black Hood. Archie thinks this person is the real deal, and that the person they thought was the Black Hood, Mr. Svenson, was a fake.
Hot Sheriff Keller doesn’t believe him, though, and for the first time in my life I’m going to say these words out loud: Archie’s right. He’s actually being smart in this situation—hot and smart! Mark this down in your history books, because it won’t last long. The Black Hood is 100 percent still out there. Anyway, the town’s pissed at Sheriff Keller because he continues to be dumb about these murders. Midge Klump’s mom slaps him à la that scene in Jaws where a mom smacks Chief Brody. Cheryl says his days of “failing” this town are numbered. I’d heed her warning, dude. Cheryl literally doused herself in blood last week! She’s on edge!
Jughead thinks Chic is the Black Hood, which is a plausible assumption to make because he’s creepy and randomly murdered someone in Betty’s kitchen. Archie, on the other hand, is fully convinced the Black Hood is still out there—and even starts hallucinating him behind bushes, like he’s Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween or some shit. Veronica wants Archie to drop this bone, which obviously means he won’t. Chest-puffing is Archie’s favorite activity, right after “playing the guitar.”
“It came from the core of my bosom.” — Cheryl, saving this episode one iconic line at a time.
Betty thinks Chic should leave town before Keller interrogates him, which Alice says is a horrible idea because it’ll make him look guilty. Meanwhile, Archie thinks his father, Fred, should skip out because the Black Hood threatened to kill “all those who escaped him.” Fred says no, and if this is foreshadowing for Luke Perry’s death, then I’m writing a stern letter to The CW. All this accumulates to Betty suggesting to Jughead that they look into Chic as a potential Black Hood suspect. Whad’ya know: Detective Bughead is on the case again. Where are their Scooby Snacks?
They go to Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Svenson and Chic both spent time and might’ve crossed paths. However, the photo in the file for Chic isn’t Chic, confirming something we’ve known all along: “Chic” is a lying scam artist who’s pretending to be Betty’s brother. And may even be the Black Hood!
Jughead and Betty go home to find “Chic” with Alice in the kitchen. They confront him about not really being Chic, and he grabs a knife and starts swinging at them. Thankfully, though, Betty comes in clutch and knocks “Chic” out with a rolling pin. If Alice still thinks “Chic” is harmless after this, then I’m done with this damn family.
Nope, they finally come to their senses…and Chic comes clean: He knew Betty’s brother, Charles. They lived together in that crappy motel where Betty and Alice found him. Apparently one night, the real Charles attempted to get in contact with the Cooper family, but Alice shunned him. He overdosed on Jingle Jangle as a result. Oof. That’s intense, but I won’t lie: The phrase: “He overdosed on Jingle Jangle” made me chuckle. It literally just sounds like he ate too much candy at a carnival. Alice is devastated and relays all this information to Chic’s real father, F.P.
Switching gears: Hermione Lodge has a stake on Sheriff Keller’s head and asks Cheryl to write an op-ed calling for his removal as sheriff. Veronica, however, wants nothing to do with whatever scheme her parents are cooking up. Someone then throws a rock at Keller’s cop car, and I’m pissed. Listen, leave my salt-and-pepper snack alone. He’s doing the best he can! The campaigning works, though, and Keller steps down as Sheriff.
“Shut the hell up, impostor!” — Jughead, who always needs to “shut the hell up.”
But who cares about this because Archie gets attacked by weird men in black hoods outside an abandoned house. One of them is Nick St. Clair, Veronica’s old NYC friend who assaulted her and tried to assault Cheryl. He calls Veronica from Archie’s phone and says he “has Archie” and it will cost her a “cool million” to get him back. Wow, this show’s really taking a turn for the gruesome, isn’t it?
Veronica gives Nick the money, but it’s not enough. He says she can pay him the rest by sleeping with him. It’s disgusting. Even more disgusting is that Nick St. Clair is setting up a feed so Archie can watch this as it goes down.
Plot whiplash: Now we’re back to Betty. The Black Hood—the real one—calls her and says she knew deep down their game wasn’t over. He then rattles off a bunch of nonsense about sinners and hangs up. Betty, for whatever reason, lies about this call to Jughead, but says they should go to Chic’s old motel to investigate his claims about Charles.
A neighbor essentially claims Chic murdered Charles—which makes more sense than his convoluted “Jingle Jangle overdose” story. Chic neither confirms nor denies it, which drives Bughead crazy. The Black Hood calls Betty and says she can “deliver” Chic to him and make this problem go away. This is just so much blood and carnage and not enough Cheryl, TBH.
Betty and Alice get Hal involved in this mess. He thinks they should go to the police, failing to realize that would also incriminate Betty and Alice for the time they helped dispose of the body for Chic. So Betty takes matters into her own hands, grabs a gun (???), and leads Chic out the backdoor of their basement and to a graveyard, where the Black Hood is waiting. Bye, crazy Chic!
Later, Betty goes home, lies about how she got rid of Chic, and is shook to find that Hal is now missing. Apparently, he “went out to look” for Betty, but the ominous music that plays as Alice explains this obviously implies some other fuckery is afoot.
“For all we know, daddy, Nick’s cutting off Archie’s ear right now” — Veronica, being the most extra.
Meanwhile, Veronica is on a “date” with Nick St. Clair in a suite as an imprisoned Archie watches miles away. Archie manages to escape Nick’s goonies and starts heading toward the suite. Nick, a monster, says drugging Cheryl was “school boy mischief” and “all in the past.” Horrifying. The way Veronica stares at his champagne fluke, though, makes me think she’s somehow poisoned his drink.
Yeah, she did—and Nick’s knocked out cold by the time Archie shows up, bloodied up and out of breath. The two of them then tie up Nick and hold him for ransom. This is so much violence for a show about teens. Aren’t normal high school shenanigans dramatic enough?
Nick’s parents pay $1 million to free him, and now Hiram Lodge has to explain to Archie why he did nothing to stop Nick’s ransom scheme. Archie’s oddly cool about it and just says he wants Hiram’s help bringing down the Black Hood. That’s his mission now. Whatever. I’ll never understand straight dudes.
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