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I Tried a Butt Mask and Here Are My Honest Thoughts


Since the 2016 election, some part of me has wanted to spend every day curled up in bed, obsessively reading the news and interacting with only my cat. Since the coronavirus hit Manhattan, that’s what I’ve been advised by the government to do, and I have certainly complied. My hands have never been more washed, my pajamas have never been more worn. I am truly a creature of the indoors now, a work-from-home honorary member of the leisure class, confined to my apartment to keep myself alive, sort of like a little succulent.

And since the care and keeping of me is my only activity for the time being—and since all of my usual activities are on indefinite hiatus—it seemed like the perfect time to experiment with butt stuff. Not that butt stuff. Butt beauty stuff. Specifically, a sheet mask made for your butt. Because why the hell not?

I chose the Bawdy x Sephora collection line of masks for their price (just over $6 including shipping) and selected the rainbow-hued “Love It” mask, which promised “plumping and firming.” These seem like results better acquired through squats or leg-lifts, but the other kinds of masks focused on butt acne and wrinkles. My butt has neither acne nor wrinkles (though don’t get too excited; my face is a big old mess). Anyway, I figured it couldn’t hurt to make my booty a little juicier, even if I would be the only one seeing it for at least the next month.

Bawdy x Sephora Collection Own It Butt Sheet Mask

Sephora

$8

$4

Buy Now

Bawdy x Sephora Collection Love It Butt Sheet Mask

JCPenney

$8

$4

Buy Now

According to a tiny illustration on the front of the package, I was supposed to stick the two halves of the mask (it was two separate sheets) on each of my butt cheeks, basically like giant back pockets. All the instructions said was, “Apply to clean skin as shown,” “Keep on for 10 to 15 minutes,” and then, “Peel sheets off, feel butt beautiful.” Closing my door to spare my roommates possible trauma, I shoved my pajama pants to my knees and slapped on the colorful masks, twisting to see my backside in my full-length mirror.

Right away I realized I had a problem: What was I supposed to do during the 10 to 15 minutes the mask was at work? I had pictured myself on my bed, lying on my stomach, but waddling to my bed and flopping onto it threatened to dislodge the masks. I’m sure anyone who has done a face mask can relate to the “don’t move” dilemma, but (butt! ha ha) this time it was harder because I couldn’t even sit down. I was forced to just…stand in the middle of my room, pantsless, like a stupefied Winnie the Pooh. This was not relaxing.

Standing, though, I can make my peace with. But the sensation was another thing. Specifically, the wetness. Does anyone like having a wet butt? It didn’t feel purifying or cooling, it just felt wet—on my butt. There’s just something really weird about having your entire body be dry and then your butt is wet. I had some kind of sense memory flashback to my time in diapers; it was like I’d peed my pants on my butt. Still, I pushed through it, reminding myself of the juicy plumpness that was promised.



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Courteney Cox Is Binge-Watching Friends, and Her Thoughts Are Incredible


Courteney Cox is currently doing the same thing you’ve been doing for years before it left Netflix: She’s binge-watching Friends.

During Jimmy Kimmel’s latest at-home taping of his talk show Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the actor behind Monica Gellar admitted she’s using the time she has on her hands due to the coronavirus pandemic to take a walk down memory lane. “I decided during this time—people love the show so much—I decided to binge-watch Friends,” she said.

It turns out, she would totally recommend it. “I just started season one. It’s really good,” she added. Really? I never would have guessed.

There’s also a practical reason for Cox’s latest marathon: She’s tired of failing at Friends trivia.

“I don’t even remember even being on the show. I have such a bad memory,” she told Kimmel. “I remember loving, obviously, everybody there, and having fun, and I remember certain times in my life that I was there. But I don’t remember episodes. I would never pass. I fail every test.”

Quick, Courteney Cox! What episode is this from?

(**see the end of the article for the answer)

Getty/NBC

Cox promised that by the end of her quarantine she’s going to know “so much more,” but Kimmel didn’t give her a chance to even get through season two before he quizzed her right then and there. He brought his cousin Anthony (a Friends superfan) into the chat to play against the person who just admitted they can’t remember what happened on their own show (to be fair, there are 236 episodes of content).

Kimmel tried to go easy on Cox by only asking questions related to Monica, but she still couldn’t even remember that Monica’s first kiss was with her brother. Seriously, who could forget that? “Ross was my first kiss? What episode was that?” Cox asked. (Season 10, Episode 11: “The One Where The Stripper Cries.” You’re welcome.)

Ultimately, Anthony beat Cox 5-0. Watch the whole thing here:

[embedded content]

While HBO Max’s highly-anticipated Friends special has delayed filming due to the coronavirus pandemic, Cox said the cast already had their own recent reunion. “We had a meeting except for David Schwimmer, who was in New York. So we were all in the same room, which was really fun,” Cox said.

Hopefully, by the time they all get back together to actually shoot the unscripted event, Courteney Cox will be all caught up with her trivia.

**It was Season 7, Episode 10, “The One With the Holiday Armadillo.”



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Chrissy Teigen Has Thoughts About People Calling the Coronavirus Test ‘Invasive’


We’re living through strange times in America, but that hasn’t stopped Chrissy Teigen from being her wonderfully authentic self on social media—from showing up to husband John Legend’s Instagram Live concert in a towel to sharing some real talk about childbirth.

Teigen took umbrage with President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence talking about the discomfort they felt during their own coronavirus tests, which involve swabbing inside the nostrils. “[It’s] not something I want to do every day, I can tell you that,” Trump told reporters last week. “It’s a little bit of — good doctors in the White House, but it’s a test. It’s a test, it’s a medical test,” he continued. “Nothing pleasant about it.” Pence and his wife, Karen, were also recently tested. The VP described the test as “kind of invasive” and “not comfortable.”

“My vagina was ripped to my asshole giving birth to Luna. I had a vagasshole. fuck your swab pain,” Teigen tweeted in response to a tweet about Trump. “They had to put a garbage bag at the end of the bed to collect my blood before stiching [sic] me up, where I then had to pee using a water bottle as a pain fountain for 3 months. so yeah. the swab, I bet it’s super rough.”

Lots of other moms started to weigh in on social media, too.

“Do men have a low pain threshold or what? Mike Pence on the test: ‘It was kind of a pinch. It was kind of invasive. But we were grateful for the support.’ I pushed a 10 lbs baby out of my vagina…” Shannon Watts of Moms Demand Action tweeted.

“I was in labor with my first kid for 52 hours. 52. Hours. Of. Labor. Y’all can all manage a nasal swab for 30 seconds,” another woman wrote.

It seems the moms of America have spoken.



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Clare Crawley Is the Next Bachelorette—and People Have a Lot of Thoughts


And the next Bachelorette is … Clare Crawley.

After weeks of speculation by fans, ABC made it official this morning during an announcement on Good Morning America. Crawley said she found out she was the pick over the weekend. “The most important thing is I want a man that will take off his armor,” she said on GMA. “I want a man who is strong, who will take off the body armor, open himself up and be vulnerable. I think that is some serious strength right there.” She says she isn’t looking for one type “physically” but more someone who “goes out of his way for her” because “it’s about me now.”

At 38, Crawley is older than a lot of Bachelorettes and says she has often dated younger men—but wonders if they’re ready for her age. “I feel so much younger at heart than my actual age. I’m proud of my age, I just feel younger,” she said.

There are still two episodes left of Peter Weber’s season of The Bachelor, so we don’t yet know who he ends up with—or whether or not it’s even a contestant on the show. Rumors have swirled that the pilot is in a relationship with one of the show’s producers. Typically ABC announces the name of the long-running franchise’s next star after the finale of the previous season, but they’re shaking things up this season.

Clare Crawley first appeared on Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor in 2014. “I lost respect for you,” she told him as she walked away from him on the show. She also appeared on seasons one and two of Bachelor in Paradise, where she failed to find someone. In 2018, she appeared on The Bachelor: Winter Games, and she got engaged to Benoit Beauséjour-Savard—though they eventually split.

Bachelor Nation took to Twitter to react to the news.

The premiere date for Crawley’s season of The Bachelorette has not yet been announced.



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Jessica on Love Is Blind Let Her Dog Drink Wine From Her Glass—and People Have Thoughts


Love Is Blind, Netflix‘s new reality show, is a gift that keeps on giving.

It all begins with this wild premise: A bunch of single men and women move into a house where they start speed dating each other to see if they’re a match. But here’s the catch: They can’t see what the other person looks like. The cast gets to know each other inside “pods” where they talk for hours and decide if they want to get engaged. Yes, engaged…after mere days of knowing each other. At that point, they finally get to see the person they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives with before being whisked away on a romantic vacation.

After the trip, they have to return to some version of real life, where they move in together and meet each other’s family and friends. As you can imagine, there are many dramatic moments as these couples dig into the thornier issues involved in a relationship. But there are also many incredible smaller moments. Exhibit A: when Jessica casually lets her dog lap up red wine from her glass and whispers, “She loves wine.”

Netflix
Jessica's dog on Love Is Blind
Netflix

It’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, but many of the show’s viewers clocked it—and they had some thoughts. “This is the most dynamic moment of TV I’ve seen in a long time – from Netflix’s Love is Blind,” one fan tweeted. “A guy telling his fiancé, who he met the week before, that he’s mentally stable while she feeds her dog wine and tells him that she’s not his mom. So much to unwrap in 10 seconds.”

“Why would you watch literally anything else when you can watch Love is Blind and see a DOG drink WINE,” another wrote.

Love Is Blind is currently streaming on Netflix and you should all definitely be watching it—if just for the wine-drinking dog alone.



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Kanye West Let Elevator Doors Close on Kim Kardashian, and Twitter Has Thoughts


Awkward PDA might need to be the next item on Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s trademark list.

Just four days after sharing a hilarious Jumbotron moment at the NBA All-Star game on Sunday, February 16, Kimye is at it again. To recap, Kim went in for a less-than-ideal cheek-kiss after her rapper husband failed to notice her attempts at sharing a smooch. Twitter, of course, found the whole thing too funny.

Now it looks as though Kanye West is doing his best to make up for the unintentional slight, but it didn’t exactly work out that way. While in Paris for Fashion Week, Kim shared an Instagram Stories video of her and Kanye kissing in one of those panoramic elevators that make most people awkwardly question what to do with their hands. The couple, however, were totally at ease, knowing someone was there to capture the moment. Kanye seems to tell the videographer, “This one was it,” and nod when they ask, “Does this one work?” Not exactly a candid moment, I guess.

That’s not even the part that has folks cringing. Many commenters on a fan account noticed that he left Kim to collect the shopping bags, even as the elevator doors began to close. “I really hate the fact he didn’t get the bags,” commented one Instagram user. That sentiment was pretty much shared by fans on Twitter.

Not everyone, though, was convinced Kanye needed roasting. “If those her clothes then those her bags,” one commenter pointed out. To be fair, there were only two!

At this point I’m kind of convinced the Kardashian-Wests are trolling fans with all these viral moments. Earlier this February, Kim purposely responded to fans who question her home’s minimal aesthetic by debuting a wild playroom with a full-on mini supermarket and concert stage.

“You guys always say my house is so minimal—well, you guys haven’t seen my playroom,” she said on her Instagram story before giving a tour of every child’s dreamland. It sounds like she and Kanye are having just as much fun with all of this as their Internet critics. Who knows what they’ll think up next?



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