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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 20 Recap: Cheryl Might Be in Huge Danger


All I have to say after tonight’s Riverdale is this: Protect. Cheryl. Blossom. At. All. Costs. But I’m getting ahead of myself—here’s what happened.

Everything’s officially about the freaking Black Hood again (ugh). Archie’s convinced he’s out there and is going door to door staring into random men’s eyes to find him. Hiram thinks Archie should get his former Dark Circle members to track the Black Hood down, but we all know how that toxic masculine mess worked out last time. Also, the way Betty creepily looks at her dad, Hal, at the breakfast table in the next scene makes me think she suspects he’s the culprit (which wouldn’t be a surprise).

Meanwhile, Hiram’s mafia friends are sending their sons to Riverdale to “court” Veronica to form alliances with the Lodge family. They were all impressed with Veronica’s ransoming of Nick St. Clair last week and now want in with the family. I’m here for this plot point if it means more hot dudes on the show.

OK, yup, Betty definitely thinks Hal is the Black Hood, and she confides in Cheryl about this because (1) Cheryl’s dad turned out to be a murderer, and (2) Cheryl has all the answers to life’s questions. She tells Betty to tread lightly, tosses her hair, and leaves. So wise.

And, yup, Archie convinces his band of doofus jocks (and perfect Kevin) to join the Dark Circle again. They get fired up when Moose tells them he and Midge had a fight backstage at Carrie because she revealed she was cheating on him with a Serpent. The Serpents and the Dark Circle have a light physical tussle about this. It’s annoying and reeks of testosterone. Like, just chill, you adolescent boys.

PHOTO: The CW

Veronica meets with the mafia sons gunning for her family’s attention and decides to indulge Elio, a snack-and-a-half who wants the Lodges to invest in his parents’ casinos. Hiram brushes Veronica off when she talks to him about this, which is rude, but also this is such a boring storyline so let’s move on.

Thank God, we’re back to something good. Betty manages to steal her father’s planner and sees that all the Black Hood murder dates align with it. Betty recruits Queen Cheryl to help her sift through the evidence when she gets a call from the morgue, saying she has to come down there to identify a “warm corpse.” She thinks it’s Chic, but it’s not. The whole ordeal, though, shakes Betty to her core.

Across town, Jughead’s pissed because the new sheriff won’t hand over the footage he gave him that shows Fangs in Midge Klump’s dressing room right before she was killed. It makes Fangs look guilty, which hurts the Serpents’ image, ergo bolstering the Lodge’s agenda—which is exactly what Jughead doesn’t want. What I want, though, is to focus solely on Cheryl and Betty’s plot line, but that’s not going to happen.

This is sort of interesting, though. The Black Hood leaves a note on Fred Andrews’ door saying he’s a “sinner” and “next” on his kill list. The Lodges want to cancel the debate because of this, but Fred isn’t cowering down because, apparently, chest-puffing runs in the Andrews family.

Pivot to Betty, who tells her parents everything: that she gave Chic over to the Black Hood and that’s it’s partially her fault if he’s dead. She says she has a “darkness” inside of her, and Hal responds by weirdly saying he also has a similar “darkness.” OMG, he’s so the Black Hood. Hal Effing Cooper!

Chapter Thirty-Four: Judgment Night

PHOTO: THE CW

The new Sheriff, however, thinks it’s Fangs, because that video of him with Midge Klump leaked—so he arrests him. Archie’s back to waiting by his front door at night with a baseball bat like a boy playing cops and robbers. The Dark Circle vandalizes a Serpent bar to “celebrate” Fangs’ arrest, which is honestly just so much raging masculinity that it makes me want to vom. Archie reprimands them, but they’re unapologetic. Reggie then spills to Archie that Hiram’s paying the other Dark Circle members, and he told Reggie the organization is “his now.” Oof. Mark Consuelous is up to no good, as per usual!

Betty and Cheryl, however, are up to something delicious. Betty discovers that Hal is still renting out a room at a motel even though he’s back at home, so she and Cheryl go to check it out. As Cheryl iconically puts it, the room might be Hal’s “serial killer lair.”

And they find some pretty damning evidence: the Nancy Drew code book that the Black Hood used to communicate with Betty. Does this mean…Hal is the Black Hood? Either way, I’m eternally grateful this storyline is giving Cheryl a ton of screen time. Hal says the book was a “present” for Betty. He found it, remembered how much she loved it, and ordered it for her birthday. That sounds like bullshit.

But holy crap: During the mayor debate between Hermione and Fred, the Black Hood or some other psycho killer shows up and starts shooting up the town hall. Hermione’s shook about it, and Veronica’s pissed that Hiram doesn’t seem concerned his plans could cost Hermione her life. Veronica chews out Hiram and says she’s going to go forth with her casino plan with the money she got from Nick St. Clair’s parents. Hiram, however, put that money in a trust.

Chapter Thirty-Three: Shadow of a Doubt

PHOTO: The CW

It’s also clear Hiram’s using the Dark Circle to drum up chaos in Riverdale. He tells Reggie that Fangs is going to be released from jail, knowing it will fire him up. A mob is crowded outside the station where Fangs is about to be released. When he’s finally out, Reggie stampedes toward him with a gun but Archie intercepts. However, somehow, Fangs ends up getting shot anyway, but we don’t know by whom.

As this is happening, Betty asks her dad to meet her at the town hall to finish the conversation they had about the Nancy Drew book. Hal agrees to meet her, but he never shows up. Coincidentally, Cheryl receives a knock on the door at the same time: It’s the Black Hood. Coming to Thistle House. To Harm Cheryl. Nope, nope, nope. It’s all fun and games until Cheryl’s life is in danger. Now I’m pissed. Leave the only flawless character on this show alone!

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Riverdale Season 2 Episode 19 Recap: The Truth About Chic Is Finally Revealed

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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 19 Recap: The Truth About Chic Is Finally Revealed


Two people were held for ransom during tonight’s Riverdale episode, and that’s not even the craziest thing that happened. We haven’t even gotten to Betty pointing a gun at Chic yet, but we’ll get to that. Read on as I take an Alka Seltzer:

OK, so all episodes of Riverdale from here on out need to begin with Cheryl in a black Vixens outfit, singing a funeral hymnal. Basically, everyone’s shook over Midge Klump’s death at the hands of someone who claims to be the Black Hood. Archie thinks this person is the real deal, and that the person they thought was the Black Hood, Mr. Svenson, was a fake.

Hot Sheriff Keller doesn’t believe him, though, and for the first time in my life I’m going to say these words out loud: Archie’s right. He’s actually being smart in this situation—hot and smart! Mark this down in your history books, because it won’t last long. The Black Hood is 100 percent still out there. Anyway, the town’s pissed at Sheriff Keller because he continues to be dumb about these murders. Midge Klump’s mom slaps him à la that scene in Jaws where a mom smacks Chief Brody. Cheryl says his days of “failing” this town are numbered. I’d heed her warning, dude. Cheryl literally doused herself in blood last week! She’s on edge!

Jughead thinks Chic is the Black Hood, which is a plausible assumption to make because he’s creepy and randomly murdered someone in Betty’s kitchen. Archie, on the other hand, is fully convinced the Black Hood is still out there—and even starts hallucinating him behind bushes, like he’s Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween or some shit. Veronica wants Archie to drop this bone, which obviously means he won’t. Chest-puffing is Archie’s favorite activity, right after “playing the guitar.”

“It came from the core of my bosom.” — Cheryl, saving this episode one iconic line at a time.

Betty thinks Chic should leave town before Keller interrogates him, which Alice says is a horrible idea because it’ll make him look guilty. Meanwhile, Archie thinks his father, Fred, should skip out because the Black Hood threatened to kill “all those who escaped him.” Fred says no, and if this is foreshadowing for Luke Perry’s death, then I’m writing a stern letter to The CW. All this accumulates to Betty suggesting to Jughead that they look into Chic as a potential Black Hood suspect. Whad’ya know: Detective Bughead is on the case again. Where are their Scooby Snacks?

They go to Sisters of Quiet Mercy, where Svenson and Chic both spent time and might’ve crossed paths. However, the photo in the file for Chic isn’t Chic, confirming something we’ve known all along: “Chic” is a lying scam artist who’s pretending to be Betty’s brother. And may even be the Black Hood!

Jughead and Betty go home to find “Chic” with Alice in the kitchen. They confront him about not really being Chic, and he grabs a knife and starts swinging at them. Thankfully, though, Betty comes in clutch and knocks “Chic” out with a rolling pin. If Alice still thinks “Chic” is harmless after this, then I’m done with this damn family.

Nope, they finally come to their senses…and Chic comes clean: He knew Betty’s brother, Charles. They lived together in that crappy motel where Betty and Alice found him. Apparently one night, the real Charles attempted to get in contact with the Cooper family, but Alice shunned him. He overdosed on Jingle Jangle as a result. Oof. That’s intense, but I won’t lie: The phrase: “He overdosed on Jingle Jangle” made me chuckle. It literally just sounds like he ate too much candy at a carnival. Alice is devastated and relays all this information to Chic’s real father, F.P.

Switching gears: Hermione Lodge has a stake on Sheriff Keller’s head and asks Cheryl to write an op-ed calling for his removal as sheriff. Veronica, however, wants nothing to do with whatever scheme her parents are cooking up. Someone then throws a rock at Keller’s cop car, and I’m pissed. Listen, leave my salt-and-pepper snack alone. He’s doing the best he can! The campaigning works, though, and Keller steps down as Sheriff.

“Shut the hell up, impostor!” — Jughead, who always needs to “shut the hell up.”

But who cares about this because Archie gets attacked by weird men in black hoods outside an abandoned house. One of them is Nick St. Clair, Veronica’s old NYC friend who assaulted her and tried to assault Cheryl. He calls Veronica from Archie’s phone and says he “has Archie” and it will cost her a “cool million” to get him back. Wow, this show’s really taking a turn for the gruesome, isn’t it?

Veronica gives Nick the money, but it’s not enough. He says she can pay him the rest by sleeping with him. It’s disgusting. Even more disgusting is that Nick St. Clair is setting up a feed so Archie can watch this as it goes down.

Plot whiplash: Now we’re back to Betty. The Black Hood—the real one—calls her and says she knew deep down their game wasn’t over. He then rattles off a bunch of nonsense about sinners and hangs up. Betty, for whatever reason, lies about this call to Jughead, but says they should go to Chic’s old motel to investigate his claims about Charles.

A neighbor essentially claims Chic murdered Charles—which makes more sense than his convoluted “Jingle Jangle overdose” story. Chic neither confirms nor denies it, which drives Bughead crazy. The Black Hood calls Betty and says she can “deliver” Chic to him and make this problem go away. This is just so much blood and carnage and not enough Cheryl, TBH.

Betty and Alice get Hal involved in this mess. He thinks they should go to the police, failing to realize that would also incriminate Betty and Alice for the time they helped dispose of the body for Chic. So Betty takes matters into her own hands, grabs a gun (???), and leads Chic out the backdoor of their basement and to a graveyard, where the Black Hood is waiting. Bye, crazy Chic!

Later, Betty goes home, lies about how she got rid of Chic, and is shook to find that Hal is now missing. Apparently, he “went out to look” for Betty, but the ominous music that plays as Alice explains this obviously implies some other fuckery is afoot.

“For all we know, daddy, Nick’s cutting off Archie’s ear right now” — Veronica, being the most extra.

Meanwhile, Veronica is on a “date” with Nick St. Clair in a suite as an imprisoned Archie watches miles away. Archie manages to escape Nick’s goonies and starts heading toward the suite. Nick, a monster, says drugging Cheryl was “school boy mischief” and “all in the past.” Horrifying. The way Veronica stares at his champagne fluke, though, makes me think she’s somehow poisoned his drink.

Yeah, she did—and Nick’s knocked out cold by the time Archie shows up, bloodied up and out of breath. The two of them then tie up Nick and hold him for ransom. This is so much violence for a show about teens. Aren’t normal high school shenanigans dramatic enough?

Nick’s parents pay $1 million to free him, and now Hiram Lodge has to explain to Archie why he did nothing to stop Nick’s ransom scheme. Archie’s oddly cool about it and just says he wants Hiram’s help bringing down the Black Hood. That’s his mission now. Whatever. I’ll never understand straight dudes.

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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 18 Recap: 'Carrie: The Musical' Goes Horribly, Horribly Wrong


It’s been a while, Riverdale—three weeks, specifically—but you’ve finally returned with the event fans have been waiting for: the musical episode. And, my God, you didn’t disappoint. There was singing; there was dancing; there was bloodshed. How the hell is this show going to top itself? That’s a question for later, but for now, here’s what went down on tonight’s episode:

Things kick off with shirtless Archie doing pushups and Cheryl singing, so I can already tell this is going to be iconic. Kevin’s directing the school’s production of Carrie: The Musical, which is great because hopefully that means he gets a ton of screen time. Not great, though, is that he asked Jughead to film a behind-the-scenes documentary about the play. Behind-the-scenes better mean his beanie is behind Cheryl at all times, TBH.

Archie’s somehow keeping the car Mr. Lodge got him a secret from his father, Fred, who’s desperate to spend time with him—so desperate that he volunteers his construction company to build sets for the musical. Interspersed through all of this drama are shots of Archie singing, which, LOL, but I’m living for it.

The first rehearsal for Carrie is awkward. Alice Cooper is playing Carrie’s mother—a tidbit she somehow forgot to mention to Betty. That awful guy Chuck, who made the little black book with all his “escapades” in season one, is in the play as well, which has everyone pissed. (He’s trying to “reform his image.” Ugh.) However, does any of this matter so long as Cheryl stays front and center as Carrie White? (Answer: No.)

“After the fires I’ve walked through, Kevin, the world needs to see me up on that stage!” —Cheryl, future Tony winner

Everyone’s still mad at Veronica for keeping her parents’ plans for Riverdale a secret, and that animosity is seeping into this first rehearsal. Betty’s pouting and saying that Veronica is just as mean as the character she’s playing (Carrie’s antagonist, Chris). Archie’s playing dumb, and Jughead’s filming all of this, but we barely see him. It’s fantastic.

Also fantastic: Cheryl just breaking out into song randomly to prove to everyone she has the pipes to play Carrie White. This is my permanent aesthetic. But right after her song ends, a sandbag (???) falls from the ceiling and almost knocks her out, which means that someone—the Black Hood maybe?!—is trying to sabotage the show. And hurt people! Bah!

Yup, it’s definitely the Black Hood. Kevin receives a note from someone who claims to be the Black Hood demanding that the role of Carrie be re-cast. (OK, Phantom of the Opera.) Who is trying to deprive Cheryl of the spotlight she deserves?

Anyway, now we’re watching a musical number starring Betty and Veronica. There’s lots of hair flipping and hip-popping, so I’m here for it. I’m also screaming over pitch-corrected Archie. I love when Auto-Tune is used in any occasion ever! (Well, at least I think this is being pitch-corrected…)

“I will not succumb to thespian terrorism.” —Cheryl

Pivot to Hiram Lodge, menacingly talking about how he has to get Fred and Archie on the outs in order to derail Fred’s “family values” mayor campaign. Archie told Veronica his dad would be upset if he found out Hiram bought him a car (um, duh), so I’m predicting Hiram’s somehow going to rub that in Fred’s face. Straight dudes and their cars.

Of course Jughead and Betty put on their detective hats to find out who sent the threatening “Black Hood” letter. They flat-out accuse Ethel Muggs of doing it with no evidence other than the fact she wanted the role of Carrie. But Ethel denies this.

Also…Alice and F.P. are hooking up? Oh, right, she did stop by his trailer at the end of March 28th’s episode. She goes to the Pop’s Diner and calls him “handsome,” but he gives her the cold shoulder. Not sure I care about this storyline, but I do appreciate the Gossip Girl parallels.

Back at musical rehearsals, Josie and Cheryl sing a duet together, which is awkward because they’re on the outs. (Remember, Penelope Blossom made Josie think Cheryl was obsessed with her.) But their issues are solved with a simple, “I’m sorry” from Cheryl and some singing. They hug. It’s tender. Fire everyone and make Riverdale a two-woman show starring Cheryl and Josie.

Oh my God, now Veronica’s doing a solo number, and it’s phenom but suddenly derailed by Betty, who goes on a crazy mean tirade about how Veronica’s a terrible person. God, she was just trying to be loyal to her parents, Betty. Let her live! Direct all your negativity toward the Black Hood—or Jughead, who’s creepily filming all of this like Wes Bentley in American Beauty. Archie tells Betty to calm down, and then they sing together. I can’t take Archie singing seriously. Not with his guitar. Not in this musical. Not ever.

PHOTO: The CW

Oh, and I was right: Hiram does tell Fred about the car he bought Archie, and it causes a fight between father and son. Apparently, Fred wanted to go to the “old junkyard” and fix a car up with Archie, which might be the most heterosexual thing I’ve ever heard. Archie says Fred shouldn’t be mad at him because it’s “just a car.” Um, did I miss the episode where Archie won the lottery or something and cars are now disposable? What a spoiled (but hot) doof. Archie eventually comes to his senses, gives the car back to Hiram, and tells him to stop screwing with his and Fred’s relationship. Thank God. That Mark Consuelous is up to no good!

Over at Château Cooper, Alice is sad that Crazy Chic isn’t returning her calls…even though she kicked him out. Alice essentially feels like everyone is leaving her, which makes Betty feel like crap. As it should! Your mother is Mädchen Amick, Betty. Have some respect.

Betty ultimately convinces her father, Hal, to come home and ask for Alice to take him back. She accepts, and then they have a lengthy convo where it’s revealed Chic isn’t Hal’s son. OK, so this is shocking but also not shocking because fans have been saying this for months. What this means about Alice’s mild flirtation with F.P. is a mystery, though.

But who cares about this because the “Black Hood” sent another message to Kevin demanding the role of Carrie be re-cast. Cheryl’s pissed, but it turns out she can’t even fight this fight: Her monster mother Penelope shows up and says she’s not giving her parental approval to do the school musical. Midge Klump replaces her. If this means Cheryl’s done singing, then I’m turning this episode off (except not really—I have to finish my recap).

“I burned one house down. I’ll happily burn another.” —Cheryl

It’s the night of the musical. Everyone’s singing in their dressing rooms; meanwhile, Cheryl’s singing on her own, outside Thistle House, where she’s holding a bucket of…something. Is it gasoline? Is she going to set Thistle House on fire because Penelope banned her from the play? God, I hope.

OMG, NOPE. It’s not gasoline! It’s BLOOD. Cheryl literally doused herself in blood and is now wielding a gothic candlestick—all to threaten her mother to stop messing with her and Nana Rose. This is the greatest Riverdale scene of all time. Give Madelaine Petsch an Emmy immediately.

And there’s more drama: Jughead discovers cut-out magazines in Ethel’s dressing room, which is what the “Black Hood” used to send those threatening messages. However, Ethel still denies she had anything to do with those. As this is happening, Jughead walks in on Midge Klump and Kevin’s boy toy seemingly getting cozy, and minutes later Midge’s boyfriend, Moose, storms down the hallway pissed.

So…did Ethel send those letters? Or is it Chic, who randomly just showed up to opening night? Whoever it is, they’re actually the real deal because during Carrie: The Musical, a stage wall opens to reveal Midge Klump brutally stabbed dead alongside a note from the Black Hood saying he’s back. Holy shit! I just wanted a wholesome night of theater, and now there’s carnage.

Parting thoughts: Don’t kill Cheryl, and everything will be fine.



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The 'Riverdale' Musical Episode Will Finally Give Cheryl the Spotlight She Deserves


The trailer and rumblings around Riverdale‘s musical episode confirm it’s going to be epic. For one, Cheryl Blossom, the show’s most important but woefully underused character, snagged the lead, titular role in Riverdale High’s production of Carrie: The Musical. That means she’ll be up front and center (preferably with a spotlight on her at all times) as Jughead (Cole Sprouse), Archie (KJ Apa), and the less iconic characters sway in the background.

In fact, Jughead’s quite literally going to be in the background: He’s not even in the musical. Kevin Keller (Casey Cott), the director, has tasked him with filming behind-the-scenes footage, which leaves plenty of room for Cheryl to get the shine she deserves.

Riverdale‘s showrunner Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa told Glamour this was an intentional move. “Jughead has always been Riverdale‘s resident storyteller, so it actually made sense for him to be the documentarian for the production,” he said. If you read my recaps, you know I’ve been eagerly waiting for this to happen. Jughead’s beanies have been dominating Riverdale‘s narrative for far too long.”

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Honestly, though, Jughead might still dominate the narrative, even behind the camera. The Riverdale musical episode hasn’t aired yet, so it’s unclear how prominent Cheryl or Jughead or any of the characters will be. This show is known for its twist and turns, so fans should expect the unexpected going into this specialty episode.

That’s essentially what Aguirre-Sacasa told us when we sat down with him to chat about it. “People who aren’t fans of the original Carrie: The Musical stage adaptation are going to love this episode just as much as die-hard fans out there, and I have a feeling will inspire a new generation of Carrie: The Musical fans,” he said.

The episode, however, isn’t just dedicated to staging Carrie: The Musical. The same storylines from the last episode, which aired March 28, will play into this one. Remember, everyone has essentially turned against Veronica (Camila Mendes) after they found out she knew about her parents’ plans to turn South Side High into a prison. This musical, though, forces the characters to come together for a unified cause.

“All of the previous storylines from this season definitely play into the musical episode in a big way,” Aguirre-Sacasa said. “At this point in the season, all the various relationships between the characters have become so fractured, and this production of Carrie: The Musical really brings our characters back together in a big way.”

One of those “fractured” relationships is between Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch) and Josie (Ashleigh Murray). In the last episode Penelope Blossom essentially manipulated Josie into thinking Cheryl was creepily obsessed with her. This, in turn, caused Josie to bail on plans to break Cheryl out of Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Aguirre-Sacasa told Glamour we’ll see this relationship play out in the musical episode.

PHOTO: The CW

“You’ll see in this episode how we tackle that relationship head-on,” Aguirre-Sacasa said. “Cheryl’s been through a lot these past two seasons, and you really feel for her and her journey by the end of this episode. Hopefully, Josie can be as understanding as our audience.”

Aguirre-Sacasa teased other character developments for Cheryl, as well—specifically about her love life. (In case you somehow forgot, Riverdale High’s resident queen bee came out of the closet a few episodes back.)

“It’s funny because in season one, one note we kept getting was that Cheryl didn’t have a romantic plot line, but the timing and the story never felt right,” he said. “She was dealing with the loss of her brother and her father’s betrayal throughout the first season, so we always knew in season two we would want to dive in deeper with her character.”

So does this mean Riverdale‘s going to dive deeper, as Aguirre-Sacasa puts it, into Cheryl’s relationship with Toni Topaz (Vanessa Morgan)? After all, the two Riverdale Vixens did kiss after Cheryl escaped Sisters of Quiet Mercy, so perhaps Toni’s the unexpected love interest fans have been waiting for.

“In terms of [Cheryl’s] relationship with Toni, Madelaine and Vanessa have been friends for a while, so they already have such great chemistry together,” Aguirre-Sacasa said. “With the introduction of Toni, we realized there was this whole aspect of Cheryl we had yet to explore, and felt this was the perfect introduction to this side of everyone’s favorite River Vixen.”

Regardless of what happens, Cheryl will have at least one family member on her side: Nana Rose. The grand matriarch of the Blossom family fed Toni information about Cheryl’s whereabouts when she was missing—directly defying Penelope Blossom and Uncle Claudius, who disapprove of Cheryl and Toni’s relationship and sent Cheryl away for gay conversion therapy.

Chapter Thirty-One: A Night to Remember

PHOTO: The CW

“We thought it was important to show that Cheryl does have genuine love and acceptance in her life from somebody in her family,”Aguirre-Sacasa added. “It’s good to balance that out with the nefarious actions of Penelope and Uncle Claudius. Nana Rose is definitely a ‘Choni’ shipper.” That being said, Aguirre-Sacasa did add we’re not done seeing the “inner horrors of the Sisters of Quiet Mercy,” so Cheryl may not be out of the woods just yet.

We’re also not out of the woods with the Black Hood. March 28’s episode implied that Arthur Adams (John Behlmann), one of Hiram Lodge’s (Mark Consuelos) goonies, is the masked madman who we thought was dead but is still wreaking havoc around town. Aguirre-Sacasa says we shouldn’t rule him—or anyone else—out, because the mystery isn’t over yet. “At this point, it’s safe to say that everyone is still a suspect,” he said. Yeesh.

Riverdale‘s musical episode airs Wednesday, April 18 at 8:00 P.M. ET on The CW.

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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 12 Recap: Web Cams, Catholics, and Carnage


Saddle up, my friends, because tonight’s Riverdale included a murder. No, the Black Hood didn’t strike again; it was actually one of your faves who got their hands dirty…I think. Spoilers ahead, naturally.

Archie is Hiram Lodge’s “intern,” A.K.A. his errand boy, which is a good job for him because he has the stamina to run all over town. (Archie’s abs remain his best personality trait.) His last errand of the day leads him back to the Lodge condo, where Veronica is getting a dress fitted for her belated confirmation. The Lodges are Catholic, apparently. The more you know!

What we still don’t know, however, is who beheaded the statue of Augustus Pickens. Hot Sheriff Keller thinks the Serpents did it, of course, and he keeps interrogating F.P. and Jughead about it. They’re pissed, but honestly should be grateful the hot sheriff is blessing them with his presence.

But holy crap, we just pivoted to Betty, who’s now a full-on cam girl. Her brother, Chic, showed her the ropes, so now she’s wearing her Dark Betty black wig and talking dirty to strangers on the Internet.

From sex-cams to Catholicism: Veronica’s inviting the crew to her confirmation because they’re her “chosen family,” which would be cute if she wasn’t cribbing that phrasing from queer people. The dress code is “Catholic chic,” so obviously my Madonna-stanning self is having visions of the “Like a Prayer” video.

PHOTO: The CW

Sheriff Keller’s vendetta against Jughead is affecting his budding journalism career: Because the newspaper story he wrote about the Uctana tribe sparked so much backlash in Riverdale, both he and Betty are suspended from the staff. As a journalist, I think this is outrageous—but as a Jughead detractor who hates his pretentious words and ridiculous beanie, I’m pleased.

Betty’s apathetic about getting axed from the staff, though; she’s more curious about Jughead’s relationship with Toni Topaz. Jughead comes clean about hooking up with Toni, but Betty lies about kissing Archie, so obviously that will come back to bite her. I don’t really care if Jughead’s feelings get hurt. Honestly, Betty should keeping making out with Archie and lying to Jughead about it. IDGAF!

“Special Agent Adams,” Archie’s FBI buddy, knows about Veronica’s confirmation, too, and wants Archie to spy for him at the event. This will go up in flames, I’m sure, especially because Archie’s now Hiram’s intern.

More Jughead vs. Sheriff Keller drama: Keller’s now evicting the Serpents from their trailer park in Riverdale. I’m trying really hard to care about all of this, but I just want to get back to Betty’s web-cam story.

We’re not quite there yet. First, Josie and Mayor McCoy have an awkward kiss-and-make-up session with the Lodge women that ends with Veronica and Josie agreeing to duet at Veronica’s confirmation. Then, F.P. gives an annoying speech to the Serpents about how they’re not going anywhere despite Keller’s eviction notice. Jughead and Tall Boy accuse each other of beheading the statue. It’s rough and manly and dull.

Later, Jughead confronts Mayor McCoy about why she’s being so vindictive toward the Serpents. It’s because the beheading pissed off the state governor, she says, but Jughead has a feeling she’s being manipulated by the Lodges. He talks to Betty about this, and they agree finding the beheaded statue head would blow the wind out of Mayor McCoy’s sails, so they put their detective hats back on. This is boring. I’m bored. Where’s Cheryl?

OK, Mr. Lodge is officially deranged: He’s “impressed” that Archie beat up a cast-bound Nick St. Clair and invites him to help out at a high-stakes poker game he’s hosting for his family at Pop’s that night. This is some Molly’s Game shit. Like, Archie’s literally Jessica Chastain. Of course, this means Archie will have more access to spy on Archie and get info for the FBI. So…he’s both Jessica Chastain in Molly’s Game and Zero Dark Thirty?

Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine

PHOTO: The CW

Thank God, Betty’s back. Chic warns her not to tell any of the guys she talks to online where she lives, which means she’s absolutely going to.

Also, remember Penny Peabody? The snake charmer lawyer who Jughead kicked out of town after slicing her Serpent tattoo off? She’s back and says she can get the Serpents’ eviction notices delayed. Her price, though, is Jughead: She wants Jughead kicked out of the Serpents and asks to cut his tattoo off with a dirty knife. Yeesh.

F.P. and Jughead have a heated fight about this, which ends badly: F.P. basically says Jughead’s the reason why the Serpents are in trouble, which isn’t a lie. Jughead’s always to blame, in my book. He doesn’t see it that way, though: He insists the mayor is just using his article as an excuse to kick the Serpents out of Riverdale for a much larger reason. He’s probably right, but honestly, I’m cool with kicking Jughead out of town.

Hal’s leaving town, too. He doesn’t want to stay in the Cooper house so long as Chic is there, which leads me to think there’s more to this whole “long-lost son” story. Alice doesn’t care about Hal leaving, though, which is iconic.

We’re at Hiram’s poker game now. The dudes there are scary and immediately start talking about Hermione’s involvement with Fred Andrews. Then, one of the guys insults Pop’s cooking, and Archie officially learns that Hiram owns the Chock’lit Shoppe. He also overhears one of the men saying Hiram’s gotten “sloppy” and he needs to be “removed.” So…is he…going to kill Hiram? Al Pacino is shook.

Archie’s on edge the whole confirmation the next day. Veronica and Josie sing “Bittersweet Symphony,” and now I’m demanding those actresses star in a Cruel Intentions reboot. At the reception, Mayor McCoy tells the Lodge parents they now officially own the South Side High land. Meanwhile, Archie’s intently staring at the dudes who talked about “ending” Hiram. It’s just now hitting me Cheryl’s yet to make an appearance on this episode, which is worse than the maybe-murder that’s about to happen. Veronica tells Hiram she doesn’t want Archie involved in their mobster lifestyle (LOL) just minutes before Archie warns him about the “hit” the poker dudes are planning. Hiram reacts coldly to this in front of Archie, but then makes a menacing call the second he leaves. Ooof. I know Hiram’s a criminal, but 10/10 I’d date him.

Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine

PHOTO: The CW

Veronica confronts Archie about what he and Hiram talked about, and she tries to tell him everything—about the Sodale project, the statue, who her father is—but Archie stops her, presumably because he doesn’t want to help the FBI incriminate Hiram. He says he loves her no matter what, and they kiss. It’s cute, but Archie’s such a doof.

Detectives Betty and Jughead ditch Veronica’s confirmation party midway through (rude) to meet a guy who says he has the Pickens head. The guy says he saw someone near where the head was dumped: someone tall, with a Serpent jacket. (a.k.a Tall Boy) Oh man! I wish I cared! CHERYL, WHERE ARE YOU?

P.S. the Serpents confront Tall Boy about the head. Turns out Hiram Lodge put Tall Boy up to beheading the statue, and he only did it because he thought the chaos would get rid of Jughead and F.P., who Tall Boy thinks are getting “weak.” Tall Boy’s ultimately canned from the Serpent, and then Betty and Jughead bang (but she doesn’t tell him about kissing Archie…still) Also, are we just going to ignore Betty’s web-camming from the beginning of this episode??? We’ve yet to mention it!

OK, it’s mentioned a little: A creepy dude shows up to the Cooper house looking for Chic. It’s presumably one of his “clients,” but we pan to the Lodge drama before we learn anything else.

Papa Poutine, the man who wanted to kill Hiram, was apparently shot in the back of the head, and the Special Agent Adams asks Archie if he knows anything that would incriminate Hiram. Archie lies and says no, so it’s clear he’s officially on Team Lodge. An anonymous person then sends the Lodge family the decapitated Pickens statue, so WTF is happening there?

And also, WTF IS HAPPENING HERE: Betty comes home and finds her mother cleaning the blood of Chic’s client off the floor. She murdered this guy (I think). Like, for real!



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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 11 Recap: Betty and Her Brother Are Getting Creepily Close


Tonight’s Riverdale was predictably bonkers. Allegiances were formed. Threats were made. Archie looked hotter and doofier than ever. Here’s what went down (spoilers ahead, natch).

We start with Jughead bemoaning about how “everything” and “nothing” is the same at Riverdale High School since it absorbed South Side High. He’s being melodramatic, as always, and notes that Archie is particularly feeling the heat. You see, Archie’s playing detective with the F.B.I. to uncover Hiram Lodge’s scams, and Jughead seems to think he’s in “turmoil” because of it. I disagree, though, because Archie clearly has enough cognitive function to try out for the basketball team. If he has time to shoot hoops, he’s clearly not stressed. So can everyone in this town just calm TF down?

The town’s about to throw a celebration in honor of its founder, General Augustus Pickens, and Hiram and Hermione Lodge and Fred Andrews ask Mayor McCoy if they can sponsor the event to bring the North and South Siders together. Veronica’s in on this meeting, too, which seems innocuous but is probably capital-E Evil. Detective Archie interrupts the meeting, sweaty from basketball practice, and has an awkward moment with Hiram. Archie’s onto your games, dude (and also looks very hot covered in sweat).

Now we’re at the Cooper residence, where Chic is staying after 20+ years of being off the radar. Hal’s not having it, though, and wants to know when Chic is leaving. Chic then starts telling the family about the night Betty rescued him from his hostel owner (who was beating him up) because he wasn’t in the mood to “work.” What the hell…does Chic do? (Apparently, he and Betty both dig their nails into their palms, so that’s probably going to come up again at some point.)

Later, “Special Agent Adams” has a meeting with Archie and tells him he has to get close to Hiram in order to get the information the FBI needs. Archie agrees, and I can already predict this will end badly because he isn’t slick enough to lie.

At school, Betty tells the crew about Chic; they all agree he’s hot but sketch, and Veronica suggests Betty bring Chic to the Lodge-sponsored Augustus Pickens celebration “Pickens Day.” Jughead leaves to go hang with Toni Topaz, and Betty pouts. Archie asks Veronica how he can win points with her dad, and she tells him to go out for the wrestling team because Hiram did that in high school. Sports! Men love sports!

PHOTO: The CW

Toni and Jughead’s hang-out isn’t casual: He’s actually interviewing Toni’s Serpent grandfather for an oral history report—and learns that Augustus Pickens, the “founder” of Riverdale, ordered the slaughter of the Uctana tribe, who first owned the land. The survivors went on to form the Serpents. Naturally, this enrages Jughead. He scowls a lot.

Also scowling is Mayor McCoy, who’s not pleased with Veronica’s friendship with Josie. Hermione thinks it’s because Mayor McCoy isn’t cool with how involved Veronica’s become with Lodge Industries. She says she’ll have a “chat” with McCoy if her “coldness persists.” Is Hermione going to…kill the mayor?

Chic Cooper update: Kevin realizes he recognizes Chic from webcam videos on the Internet, which is very scandalous for this small town. Betty goes down a rabbit hole watching his videos and is clearly shook. But her shock is interrupted by Jughead, who tells her all about Augustus murdering the Uctana tribe. It turns out that Barnabus B. Blossom, Cheryl’s ancestor, hired Augustus to do the job. Jughead wants to turn this into a story for the school paper, and Betty tells him to get a quote from Hiram Lodge first. Hiram hangs up on him, and now suddenly he’s my favorite character.

Also scandalous: These wrestling tryouts, which are so homoerotic that Call Me By Your Name is trembling. Archie’s royally flopping in front of Veronica’s dad, which is hilarious. Finally! A thing he’s not good at! Veronica says he can also win her father’s favor by singing with her at Pickens Day if he’s not a natural-born wrestler. That’s a more boring, less sexy course of action, but whatever.

What’s not boring, though, is this Chic Cooper cam-boy revelation. He goes back to the hostel to pick up his laptop and camera but the landlord threw it all out. Betty tells him to calm down and that he can stay with the Coopers as long as he wants. He scoffs at this, because he clearly has more videos to make and can’t do them there. He has to make his coins, Betty! In the greatest act of sisterhood ever, Betty gives Chic a camera and laptop…but he doesn’t even say thank you. WTF?! Listen, you can’t be rude and creepy.

Speaking of rude, Hiram is next-level terrible to Archie about his wrestling flop, saying it takes a “certain kind of a man” to wrestle. This enrages Archie, so he ditches the Pickens Day singing gig, makes out with Veronica in front of Hiram, and decides to give wrestling another shot. This is…not the way to win over Veronica’s father, bro. But that’s Archie for you: making doofy, chest-puffing decisions as per usual.

And it totally backfires: At tryouts the next day, Hiram teaches the guys his “signature move” (LOL, bye) which involves him putting Archie in a fucking chokehold. While Archie is gasping for air, Hiram whispers to him, “I always win” like a full-blown sociopath.

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wrestler

PHOTO: The CW

Archie later confronts Hiram at the Lodge house about why he doesn’t like him. Hiram’s basically like, “You’re weak and not good enough for Veronica,” and Archie’s like, “You were in prison, freak.” Archie and Hiram then go running (???) and Hiram gives some speech about how Archie will “never” win their feud and that he’ll tolerate him until Veronica dumps him. They resolve nothing, because toxic masculinity.

Meanwhile, Jughead publishes a hit piece about Augustus Pickens, which pisses off Toni because Jughead name-drops her grandfather in it. But her grandpa is happy about it and says something must be done now that Jughead’s “re-opened the wound”. Oof.

The piece pisses off Mayor McCoy, as well, who tells Josie she can’t sing with Veronica anymore on Pickens Day. McCoy spills everything to Josie about the Lodges and their plans for the South Side, which causes Josie to flip out and bail on singing with Veronica.

Back in Chic land, Betty tells her long-lost brother she thinks she and him have the same “darkness.” Teens! She says she’s cool with his cam “career” and wants to “compare scars” from their joint nail-digging. His response is essentially, “Um, no. Bye” because how else do you respond to “Let’s compare scars?”

Alright, all this wrestling’s getting annoying now: Archie wins a dumb match against Chuck Clayton and grins exactly how a high school jock would. This causes Hiram and Archie to have a semi-nice moment together at the Pickens Day celebration. Mr. Lodge then tells Archie they should meet later that night to “discuss some things,” whatever that means. He’s probably going to murder Archie. It’s fine; I’m fine.

OK, it’s not that: Hiram tells Archie he has to be the “best” if he wants to date Veronica and offers him an internship to learn business ropes. This, conveniently, is exactly how Archie can learn more about Hiram and do what Agent Adams asked. Blah, blah, blah, where’s Cheryl, blah blah blah.

Also at Pickens Day: The Coopers, who get in a huge fight about Chic—in front of Chic. Hal tells Alice about Chic’s cam-boy videos and says “she knows why” they have to kick him out. To this, Alice says she’ll kick Hal out again if she has to. LOL, what other crazy shit is this blond family hiding? P.S.: Penelope Blossom starts hitting on Hal, like, an hour later, so there’s some adultery afoot.

Clearly, the Lodges are hiding something at Pickens Day, too: The Serpents crash it, and Toni tells everyone about the Uctana tribe and how Augustus Pickens slaughtered them. Instead of getting enraged, though, Hiram plays nice and applauds Toni for using her voice to “fight for justice.” He says the South Side can be a place where they celebrate the “rich tapestry” of the Uctana and basically gets everyone to applaud him. Lies! Lies, everywhere!

This isn’t good enough for the Serpents, though, because it’s implied at the end they behead the Augustus Pickens statue in the middle of town. Hiram says he wants the people responsible dealt with “swiftly.” So, is he going to kill them? Why is there so much bloodshed on this teen show?!

Oh, remember that whole “darkness” talk Betty and Chic had? Turns out Chic has this “darkness” too and cams on the Internet to escape it. Betty says she wants to learn how to “escape” as well, and then Chic opens up his laptop suspiciously. So…is Betty about to start cam-ing? Are they about to watch Ozark on Netflix? WTF?

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