In today’s brave new world of dating—Tinder-borne romances, the proliferation of non- and co-monogamous arrangements, and so forth—the classic “have you been tested?” conversation can seem like a lost art. For all our sex-positive generation’s radical progress, the nuts-and-bolts talk about the less sexy realities of sleeping with a new person is still tricky for too many of us.
Meanwhile, climbing sexually transmitted infection rates in recent years indicate that we should be talking about this more than ever. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates that there were over 20 million new STIs contracted in the U.S. in 2016. For the third year in a row, we saw a record high number of new infections for the three STIs the CDC tracks at the national level: chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. And on any given day in our country, there are more than 110 million instances of STIs in total (including new and existing cases).
So why does a practical, mutually beneficial discussion about who’s been tested for what feel so embarrassing to broach sometimes? More importantly, how do you go about having that chat if the mere thought of it makes you feel, however irrationally, like a nerdy prude?
When trying to remember personal anecdotes for this article, I racked my brain for examples of times I successfully had the “let’s get tested” chat—and I regret to admit, I came up shamefully shorthanded. I always use protection for casual encounters and get tested regularly. But most of the “conversations” I’ve initiated have operated on an idiotic level of blind faith. An in-the-moment, “I’ll take your word for it” kind of deal. You were clean as of six months ago and have used condoms ever since? Sure, let’s do it!
So, faced with those discomfiting statistics and my own lack of personal experience (or straight up negligence) when it comes to proactive sexual health—and in honor of STD Awareness Month—I spoke to a sex and relationship expert about how to have The Talk, once and for all, or as frequently as is necessary. Here’s what you (and I) need to know.
Embrace the awkward.
You might feel kind of tense going in. And that’s fine. “Talking about STIs is just, like, not sexy,” concedes Emily Morse, host of the Sex with Emily podcast. “It’s just awkward.”
That’s partly thanks to the general taboo around sex talk that is surprisingly persistent in 2018. “In life, we’re not really comfortable talking about sex in any way, shape, or form,” Morse says, “and so talking about STIs is something that we really have no practice in.” If you’re feeling embarrassed, rather than pretend that’s not the case, lean into it. “Acknowledge that it is awkward and weird,” Morse says.
She recommends a script like this: “I know this conversation is awkward, but I got tested six months ago, and I haven’t had unprotected sex with anyone since. When’s the last time you got tested?’” If their answer doesn’t include “recently” and with good results, then your next question is, so when can you?
Take it outside the bedroom.
Do not wait until you’re both horny and half-naked to bring this up. “The best time to have [the conversation] is outside the bedroom,” according to Morse. This can be anywhere and anytime you’re feeling relaxed and connected with your partner: over morning coffee, next time you’re grabbing drinks, while you’re taking a pee break mid-Netflix binge.
A lot of people find it easier to take the conversation on the road. “Driving in a car is great because you’re not making eye contact,” Morse says, “but you’re still together in an intimate space.” As an aside: This strikes me as a genius setting for bringing up pretty much any potentially uncomfortable conversation.
Cut to the chase.
This is no time to play coy. Sarcasm (“Baby, of course I’ll have unprotected sex with you no questions asked!”) or passive aggressive Post-It notes simply will not do. Neither will extended bird/bee metaphors, emoji-coded texts, or flowery equivocation of any kind.
The message you’re trying to deliver is straightforward (“Get yourself tested or we’re not doin’ it”), and so should be your delivery. “Just say it like ripping a Band-Aid off,” says Morse, “and then you stop talking.”
Be as clear and concise as possible. You could say something like “I’m sure you’ll agree sexual health is super important, so let’s get tested,” Morse suggests, or, “FYI, I got tested for STIs last month and I didn’t have anything. What about you?”
If you’re still feeling a little hesitant, here’s one major payoff you may not have considered: a better lay. “When we feel safe with a partner, no matter what that means—we know our partner better, we’ve been dating a while and know we’re committed—women tend to have better sex,” Morse says. “More orgasms, more pleasure. We can relax into things… And feeling safe about your sexual health is the ultimate way to feel safe [with a partner].”
So just ask, okay? It’s really not that big of a deal.
April is STD Awareness Month, so we’re talking about staying safe, having fun, and never losing your sexy. For more information on sexual health in America, visit the CDC. Speak to your doctor about getting tested.
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