Ten percent of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage. So why does the subject still feel so taboo? For women dealing with the complicated grief of miscarriage, it’s not the stat that’s comforting—it’s the knowledge that they’re not alone, that there is a space to share their story. To help end the culture of silence that surrounds pregnancy and infant loss, Glamour presents The 10 Percent, a place to dismantle the stereotypes and share real, raw, stigma-free stories.
When she was in the throes of postpartum psychosis after the birth of her daughter in 2011, Sarah Fader thought she was dying. She couldn’t sleep. Her anxiety was out of control. Most of all, she worried about who would take care of her toddler son and newborn daughter when she was gone. “It was so terrifying. I did not expect that my mental health would go to that place,” says Fader, 40. “I was convinced that I was dying, and no one could tell me otherwise.”
Following her first pregnancy, Fader had experienced depression after she stopped nursing. She sought out medication and therapy, which set her back on track. The psychosis she was experiencing after her second pregnancy was significantly worse—the hormonal changes of pregnancy and childbirth had exacerbated her OCD and generalized anxiety disorder, she says (which some research suggests can be a common experience). “Any preexisting mental health issues can definitely be escalated during pregnancy and after childbirth,” says Courtney Glashow, LCSW, owner and psychotherapist at Anchor Therapy in New Jersey, who specializes in helping women after miscarriages. “Pregnancy and postpartum are fragile times for anyone, and it’s always helpful to have support, since you can feel heightened emotional issues.”
Fader eventually got help—she found a medication that worked for her and gradually felt stronger. But the terror she felt during that postpartum breakdown stayed with her. She had come to realize “with the subsequent birth of each child that I had, my mental health declined.” The thought of another pregnancy, another battle with perinatal mental health issues, was paralyzing.
Then in October 2012, Fader missed her period and took an at-home pregnancy test. It was positive.
“I was so scared to go back to that place when I found out I was pregnant for the third time,” Fader says. “On the one hand, I was really excited that I could potentially have a third child. But on the other hand, I was absolutely terrified that I would get even worse than I had the second time and be in a state where I could not function or care for myself or my children.”
At about six weeks gestation, Fader miscarried. “I was having those conflicted feelings, and then I just got a really heavy period. And I felt super relieved: I don’t have to risk my mental health to carry a baby,” says Fader, now the founder and CEO of mental health nonprofit Stigma Fighters.
Miscarriages are incredibly common: They’re estimated to occur in about 10% of known pregnancies, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Despite how common they are, our attitudes make talking about these experiences difficult, and the only permissible emotion is grief—shared quietly, modestly.
The truth is there’s no right or wrong way to feel after a pregnancy ends. Women experience a whole range of emotions—even relief—after a miscarriage, all of which deserve respect and empathy.
“If someone experiences a miscarriage, it is a cultural norm to see it as a devastating loss,” Glashow says. But feeling relieved when a pregnancy ends—perhaps it was not planned, not viable, not financially or socially feasible—is normal too.
Feeling relieved after a miscarriage comes with its own complicated grief. To help take on the taboo, Glamour asked women to share their stories.
“I was relieved to no longer be in limbo.”
Vanessa*, 32, was hit with conflicting emotions after finding out she was pregnant in May. The parents of a 20-month-old girl, she and her husband knew they wanted a second child but weren’t trying to conceive. They were just beginning to hit their stride as parents—two kids under the age of three would be a huge challenge. On top of that, Vanessa, who works in education, had recently negotiated with her bosses to work part-time. Finally, it felt she had achieved some balance.
