My delight in the particular brazenness of Dr. Jen Gunter began in 2017, with her first essay, My Vagina is Terrific, Your Opinion About It Is Not. “It started with a post on my blog about why you shouldn’t put Vicks VapoRub in your vagina,” Gunter says. “I wrote about how I once was with someone who liked to shame my body. You know how it goes: If only my hair was straight, if only my legs were thinner, if only I dressed differently, I would be the perfect person for him.”
She felt like “a walking uterus.” So, she changed. Straightened her hair. Lost some weight. “Obviously it was emotionally abusive,” she says. “Then he made a comment about the smell of my vagina, and I was like, wait a minute, I’m the actual expert here. He could shame me about my body, but he couldn’t shame me about my professional knowledge.” She broke up with him, ultimately writing about her experience in the hopes of helping other women.
That’s when the trolls came for her. “Literally the dudes came out of the woodwork. The comments were like, ‘all the men had a meeting, and we all said you have a stinky vagina.’ Honest to god. Then I got mad,” she says.
Just like that, a revolution was born: a column in the New York Times, a Twitter following over 200,000 strong, a new show called Jensplaining out later this month, and her first book The Vagina Bible, which debuts today.
In a moment when American states are passing new laws to remove a woman’s right to have a say about her own body, thank goodness for Gunter, the ob-gyn who has emerged to lead a rational counter argument for women’s health. Her argument is simple (and apparently radical): A woman is the rightful master of her own domain. “Since the beginning of time, women’s bodies have been weaponized against us. Almost every culture, every society has this history—and some still do—of saying women’s bodies are dirty and toxic, and that menstrual blood is filthy. It’s an effective weapon,” she says. “There’s something really visceral about it—it makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you. This messaging has been around for so long and the fact is we’ve had, until very recently, few women in science pushing back.”
Gunter is pushing back—hard. The Vagina Bible is part vagina myth buster, part feminist rallying cry, and all Gunter. “My mission is informed choice. I truly want every woman to be empowered about her body and the decisions she makes about her body—you can’t be empowered with inaccurate information,” she says. Recently, someone sent her a link to an Instagram post on why you should steam your vagina, claiming the GOOP-approved trend could “tighten” it. “If you decide to steam your vagina based on that, then you’ve made an uninformed choice,” she says. “If however, you understand that its harmful, there is zero health benefit, that it’s actually a derivative of a patriarchal idea—people used to believe the uterus wandered the body, I’m not kidding you, and that if you put fragrant herbs between your legs, the stupid uterus would come down to the nice smell like a sheep—if you understand all of that and decide you still want to steam your body, well, then that’s your choice.”
We talked about why knowing your body leads to better sex, how normal is different for every woman, and why women are suddenly so obsessed with discharge.
In a post-Fifty Shades era, we’re increasingly encouraged to discuss our sex fantasies out in the open—or at least own up to them in our private lives. Taboos are eroding, sexual norms are shifting, and we’re likelier than ever to crow from the rooftops about what turns us on.
Both giving and receiving head came up as a top fantasy in one study. While oral isn’t exactly “out there,” it can be imbued with a kink dynamic that sets it apart from activities traditionally understood to be mutually pleasurable, like penis-in-vagina sex. You might sometimes view giving oral sex as a submissive service, for example, or a dominant act of taking what’s yours. Meanwhile, receiving oral might make you feel like a pampered queen in her throne or a thoroughly ravaged snack. However you frame it, it’s clear that tons of people find oral sex hot as hell.
The thrill of sex in a public or semi-public place has long been a popular fantasy: dark alleys, public bathrooms, and movie theaters are common choices. The thrill of getting caught is one commonly cited reason, as is a general interest in exhibitionism. A word of warning: Having sex out in the open can be a risky endeavor for both your criminal record and for the wellbeing of passersby, so it might be better left a fantasy.
Even if you’re fantasizing about the same old sex acts you always fall back on, out-of-the-ordinary settings like a hotel room, a sex club, or the kitchen counter can heat up your imaginings.
You can be perfectly happy with your partner and still find something electrically exciting about the idea of cheating on them. It could be the danger of getting caught that draws you in, the freshness of a new sexual connection, or something else entirely. As with many fantasies, it’s important to keep in mind that wanting to imagine this type of sex doesn’t necessarily mean you want to have this type of sex. But if you do, maybe some form of ethical non-monogamy is an avenue you should explore.
Missionary might do it for some, but for others, pegging is a big turn-on. For those who aren’t familiar, pegging is where a woman has anal sex with someone using a strap-on, and—for those who are game—it can be a surefire way to flip the script on vanilla sex. Hot tip: It’s not for everyone, but if you’re intrigued, talk to your S.O. to see if he/she’s down with this type of get down.
Fifty Shades of Greynormalized this fantasy more widely than ever before; one study found 65 percent of women crave being dominated. There’s a wide palette of fantasy scenarios to draw from here: You can picture something as subtle as a trusted partner holding you down by the wrists while they kiss you, all the way up to extreme BDSM involving pain, humiliation, or whatever else your kinky little heart desires.
While not as socially sanctioned for women as submissiveness, fantasies of being in control in the bedroom are super fun and quite common, with 47 percent of women admitting to having had this fantasy. It can be incredibly hot to call the shots during sex, especially in a culture that systematically tries to strip women of our power both in and out of the bedroom.
From impromptu tools, like neckties à la Christian Grey, to more intense bondage scenarios involving rope, cuffs, or under-the-bed restraints, the thought of being restrained (or restraining someone else) is incredibly hot to many folks. Being unable to move makes you helpless to a partner’s advances, whether those involve pleasure, pain, or a little of both! (Do your research on this one before acting it out, though. There are a lot of ways bondage can go wrong, in an actually dangerous and not just kinky-dangerous manner.)
Blindfolds are one easy way to explore this avenue. Wearing one keeps you blissfully unaware of what your partner is about to do to you—and putting one on someone else helps you maintain your control and mystique over them. Adding noise-cancelling headphones can also be fun if you really want to keep someone on their toes!
Showing off can be incredibly sexy, especially if the person watching you is as excited about your bangin’ bod as they ought to be! Maybe you fantasize about stripping for a partner, performing in a porn flick, or masturbating for an agog audience. It’s hot to feel hot.
On the flip side, watching other people get it on can be a massive turn-on. Maybe you imagine peeking at a couple boning in a fitting room at the mall, sitting in as an anonymous tipper in an online cam show, or watching a boundary-pushing BDSM scene at a dungeon. There are so many possibilities for (consenting) perviness.
Some 52 percent of women reported having had this fantasy, and with good reason: Celebrities are often hot as hell. It’s also often easier and less complicated to picture your fave celeb—say, the star of that primetime comedy you can’t get enough of or that singer/songwriter whose crooning gets you swooning—than a stranger or someone you actually know in real life. Plus, there’s something affirming about the fantasy of a celebrity choosing you over all the other fawning fangirls available to them.
The idea of going there again would be bad, but the ways in which they understand your body can be so, so good. In your fantasy life, you can revisit the excellent ex you’ll (hopefully) never hook up with again, without any of the emotional drama that would arise if you tried.
Anonymity is probably what draws many people to one-night stands, after all. It’s potentially hot to think that someone would be attracted to you only for your body and your sex appeal, since they don’t really know anything else about you. And when you’re done, you can throw your clothes back on and peace out. Easy-peasy.
It might be problematic in real life, but being the teacher’s pet is a sexy fantasy, even if you’ve been done with your college days for a while. Plus, professors are so smart, distinguished, and accomplished—and don’t even get me started on those tweed blazers with the elbow patches.
If you struggle to let your inner sex kitten loose, sometimes imagining yourself in a specific role can help. It’s kind of along the same lines as getting it on with your hot professor: Does a nurse-and-patient fantasy get your gears turning? How about boss and secretary? Parent and babysitter? The possibilities are almost endless.
Costumes can help you get in the right headspace for some serious debauchery. They can also make you feel like a total vixen. Whether you go supernatural (Catwoman? Wonder Woman?) or slightly more down-to-earth (Dana Scully? Lara Croft?), you might feel foxier in a borrowed persona.
Though anal just straight-up feels good for many folks, it also comes with a whole host of cultural taboos that add to its forbidden hotness. It’s “dirty,” something only “bad girls” do. You don’t have to ascribe to these shame-y judgments in your day-to-day life to be able to enjoy them in your fantasy.
Threesomes, foursomes, and “moresomes” put a novel spin on sex, which might explain why 57% of women have fantasized about these ambitious trysts. They might go better in fantasy than in reality —in fantasies, for example, no one ever has to feel left out or confused about what they’re supposed to be doing—but if a group sex fantasy piques your interest, it might be worth pursuing IRL too.
This can mean different things to different people. Maybe your idea of romance is rose petals, Champagne, and staring into each other’s eyes—or maybe it’s a partner knowing exactly how to dominate you and exactly what names to call you in bed. Whatever the manifestation, it’s lovely to imagine having a deep emotional connection with the person you’re banging.
Interestingly, this fantasy is common even for women who identify as straight. It might be the mild frisson of taboo still attached to same-sex interactions, or it might be that lesbian sex tends to focus on the things that actually get most women off: oral sex, fingering, and other clit-focused activities. Craving sex with another woman could mean you’re actually attracted to women, but it also might not; either way, it can be fun to imagine.
The great thing about fantasies is that they don’t have to mesh with your real-life ethics and beliefs—you can be as perverted as you want to be inside your own head. “Daddy” has become a popular kink honorific in recent years, and “step-sister” and “step-mom” porn tends to top the charts on tube sites, suggesting that taboo dynamics have wide appeal. These archetypes and power imbalances can lend themselves to white-hot fantasies.
They’re likelier to have more sexual energy than an older person, so you can go at it like jackrabbits for days on end. They’ll also have that wide-eyed naiveté that age and heartbreak tend to beat out of us. And maybe there’s a bit of the forbidden there, too: Thirty-something women aren’t “supposed” to lust after their 19-year-old pool boy, after all.
They could teach you exactly how to please them, because they’ve been around the block a few times. They might look at you patronizingly and call you “sweetheart,” or their eyes might fill with gratitude and incredulity at their luck for getting to bang a hot young thing like you. Fun!
“Happy-ending” massages are a popular search term on porn sites, especially for women. It may be that the relaxation and slow, calming movements prep your body and mind for heights of arousal; sex researcher Emily Nagoski notes in her book Come As You Are that stress can physiologically inhibit pleasure and orgasm in women, after all. Once you’re all oily and melty and floaty, the stage is set for sinfully intense ecstasy.
No matter what your jam is in fantasyland, remember that your private thoughts don’t have to define you—and that it’s OK to have fantasies that conflict with who you believe yourself to be in real life. Your fantasy life is just your fantasy life, until and unless you choose to make it into more. And whether the situations you picture are tame or wild, “standard” or taboo, sexual imagination can be a deep well of joy and excitement.
Kinks and fetishes are less taboo than ever—ours is a post Fifty Shades of Grey world where BDSM has become mainstream and shows like Broad City, Hot Girls Wanted, and Slutever have helped normalize everything from pegging to cannasexuality. It’s real progress, but it doesn’t erase the fact that for many of us, fetishes can still feel totally weird or even shameful.
The first thing you should know: fetishes are much more common than you might realize. Nearly half of participants in a representative survey published in the Journal of Sex Research in 2017 reported being into something psychologists consider outside of the “normal” range on the sexual spectrum. In an earlier survey taken in 2015 found nearly half of participants had tried public sex, a quarter had tried role playing, 20 percent said they’d experimented with BDSM, and 30 percent said they’d tried spanking.
That doesn’t mean you have to jump straight into a BDSM dungeon if you think you might have an unexplored fetish. The idea of dripping hot wax over someone’s body or having a toe in your mouth can feel a little bit… intimidating. Maybe even scary or weird, so take it as slow as you need.
Here is everything you need to know about what a fetish is, how to know if your fetish is normal, and the healthy ways you can incorporate it into your sex life.
The simplest way to define fetishes according to sexologists: normally non-sexual things that ignite sexual feelings in a person. “A fetish is sparked when things that seem completely normal, suddenly bring you great sexual satisfaction and pleasure,” says Daniel Saynt, a sex educator and founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW). You can have a fetish for a thing, like being attracted to feet; or a place, like having sex in public; you can even have a fetish for a texture like latex.
By definition, fetishes fall outside of the sexual “norm”—but that doesn’t mean every out there sexual desire qualifies as a fetish. There’s a line separating a fetish from something that you’re just kinda into: to be considered a true fetish, the object or act must have to be a part of a sex act for you to get turned on. If you enjoy the occasional, or even regular spanking, for example, that doesn’t mean you have a spanking fetish—people with a true spanking fetish need that act of domination to get off.
So, where do these sexual kinks and quirks come from? “Most fetishes are thought to be learned behaviors in which a person comes to associate a given object with sexual arousal through experience,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want. That may come from childhood or adolescence or you might stumble upon a fetish as a sexually experienced adult. “You may not know you’re into a fetish until you try it,” adds Saynt, “which is why I always encourage people to try new things and be curious.”
Most of us can relate to having a sex fantasy that feels downright weird—but most of them are totally harmless and fine to explore. If you have a thing for fishnet stockings and your partner agrees to wear a pair to help get you off, go for it. If you get turned on by feet and enjoy watching foot porn while you masturbate, you do you. Totally normal fetishes include everything from age play, to gagging to golden showers.
Earlier this week Kamala Harris entered the 2020 presidential race. Her announcement was the expected conclusion to the will-she-won’t-she conversation that has surrounded her since she was elected to the Senate in 2016, announced her well-timed memoir in 2018, and raised millions to support progressive candidates in the midterm elections in November. As was true for Elizabeth Warren and Kirsten Gillibrand, who also formalized their candidacies in recent weeks, the fact that Harris has decided to join this raucous, crowded campaign season had started to feel inevitable. Of course she would run.
Kamala Harris is qualified, popular, and charismatic. Sure she has her flaws, but she polls well. Her sharp critiques of the Trump administration have raised her national profile. Even her facial expressions have gone viral.
Warren had a similar reception. When she announced in late December, news outlets blared that she’d done what we all knew she would and made it “official.” The noted wonk was a committed populist before some Bernie Bros were born. She’s an ardent progressive, a vanquisher of corporate influence! Of course she would run.
Gillibrand, too: She launched her own initiative to inspire women to run for office in 2012 called “Off the Sidelines.” She’s been a vocal advocate for survivors of sexual assault and pushed lawmakers to pass bills on the issue months before the Me Too movement exploded. It was a no-brainer. If not her, then who? Of course, of course, of course she would run.
With Warren, Gillibrand, and now Harris in the contest, the top three frontrunner candidates in the Democratic race for president are women. Count Tulsi Gabbard, and just under 50 percent of all the candidates who’ve jumped in so far are female. (As for their male counterparts—who can even name them?) Read this sentence twice. Read it six times. Shout it from an open window. The women are in.
For more than two centuries, men have occupied the Oval Office. In that time we’ve seen one woman sit atop either of the two main parties’ tickets and just a handful of women run for president at all. Harris nodded at one example when she made her announcement 47 years to the week after Shirley Chisholm became the first black woman ever to seek the position.
After Hillary Clinton’s loss and the historic midterms, the presidential race, too, should feel like a revolution. Instead what’s remarkable is how the 2020 battle feels so obvious. Routine. Sublime, spectacular, triumphant—but also, normal. When I saw that Harris had announced, as predicted, on live television I didn’t drop a coffee mug or break a plate or scream. I smiled for a second and then went back to breakfast. It was just another 8:00 A.M. in America, with just one more ambitious woman in contention for the White House. As we were! This is our life now.
What’s remarkable is how the 2020 battle feels so obvious. Routine. Sublime, spectacular, triumphant—but also, normal.
“This field of wildly qualified, incredibly impressive women is making the most consequential political race of our lifetime look and feel more like the reality we all aspire to—basic equality—and that is such a positive thing for the American public to be witnessing,” writes Ilyse Hogue, president of NARAL Pro-Choice America, in an email to Glamour. Despite eons of entrenched sexism, four women have decided to throw their hats into what will be a wild, intense race. At least one other woman seems poised to join them. For those of us who refused to take part in the class POTUS unit in third grade because no woman had ever served, the future looks bright.
It was just a few months ago that pundits wanted to know whether the millions of women who’d marched in 2017 would vote, let alone win. It was two dozen or so months before that some worried Clinton’s defeat in 2016 would put a generation of women off elected office. It turns out women do vote and women can win. Who else but us delivered the most diverse class of lawmakers ever to take their seats in the House of Representatives, with 102 women elected to the chamber (and three dozen brand new members)? More than 20 were first-time women candidates, a record.
Kate Middleton and her glorious royal hair turn 37 years old today (January 9). But how exactly do you celebrate when you’re the Duchess of Cambridge? Well, pretty low-key, actually.
“Kate’s not into big birthday celebrations, but George and Charlotte adore birthday cake, so there will be a special tea party at the palace with candles and presents,” a source told Vanity Fair. Middleton is reportedly spending her big day home at Kensington Palace after doing school drop-offs and pickups for her two older children, which sounds like the most normal birthday ever.
Of course, unlike the rest of us, Middleton received public birthday wishes from all the official royal accounts, including the queen’s. “Happy Birthday to HRH The Duchess of Cambridge!” the post read. “The duchess undertakes royal duties in support of the queen, both in the U.K. and overseas—and devotes her time to supporting charitable causes and organizations, several of which are centered around providing children with the best possible start in life.”
Prince William has an official engagement today for the thirtieth anniversary of London’s Air Ambulance but will be home in time to celebrate with Kate and the kids, according to Vanity Fair.
And he’s not coming home empty-handed. Some of the children at Prince William’s event brought along cards and gifts for him to take home to Middleton. “Well, thank you for remembering,” he said, according to The Daily Mail. “I did actually remember this morning, so I was OK.”
Here’s the big question: What do we think Prince William gives Kate Middleton for her birthday? I can’t imagine they do joke gifts, as is reportedly the royal Christmas tradition. So perhaps a new bespoke headband, along with an amazing piece of jewelry from Princess Diana’s collection? That sounds like the perfect combination.
Meghan Markle and Kate Middleton both attended Queen Elizabeth II’s pre-Christmas lunch on Wednesday, December 19 looking as chic as ever. Unfortunately, the holiday merriment was no-doubt clouded by the incessant rumors the two sisters-in-law are feuding. These reports are unfounded, of course, and Kensington Palace even shut down them down with a rare statement in early December.
A new report from People claims Markle and Middleton’s relationship is “complex” but not outrageously terrible. “They are very different characters,” a family friend tells the magazine. But what in-laws relationship isn’t complicated? Are you best friends with your sister-in-law? Probably not! You most likely have a calm, congenial relationship with her—and the same goes for Markle and Middleton, in my opinion. Just because they’re not skipping down the street together doesn’t mean they’re enemies.
PHOTO: Getty Images
In fact, I’m willing to wager the two women had a lovely chat while sipping tea and eating those small sandwiches that never fill you up with the queen. Below, a non-exhaustive list of topics I hope they talked about:
