Tonight’s Riverdale episode debunked a major theory about the Black Hood. Which one, you ask? Read on to find out (spoilers ahead):
Welp, it looks like the Black Hood isn’t done lurking around Riverdale just yet: He/she writes another letter to the town, saying the next 24 hours will be a “test.” If the Riverdale citizens stop “sinning,” he/she will stop killing. If they don’t, the blood bath continues. This is all getting out of hand! Betty brings up the very valid point about how it’s confusing the Black Hood managed to break into the jail and shoot the Sugar Man. Who in town has that kind of access?! Cough, Sheriff Keller, cough. (P.S.: If you read that last sentence and had no context of Riverdale, you’d think I was talking about Candy Land or some shit.)
Penny Peabody, that sketchy lawyer who F.P. told Jughead to stay away from, pops back up and asks Jughead for a favor. F.P. was jumped by Ghoulies in prison, allegedly, and in order to help him Penny needs Jughead to pick up a crate on the South Side and deliver it to some place called Greendale. She’s definitely lying, but her bangs look amazing so I don’t care. BTW: Drugs are in the crate Jughead’s about to be traipsing all over town. Drugs! Is it Jingle Jangle? Riverdale’s official crop?
Jughead enlists Archie to help deliver these drugs to Greendale. Archie waxes poetic about how he fantasizes about moving to NYC with Jughead and living out their writing/music dreams. He wants to live in the East Village, which Jughead says doesn’t exist (???). It does, but LOL that they think they could afford living there on writer/musician salaries.
They get a flat tire en route to Greendale, of course, and Archie doesn’t have a spare. A strange man pulls up and offers Jughead—and only Jughead—a ride to Greendale. He leaves Archie alone. This will end badly, but are you surprised? Jughead makes the worst decisions always.
This strange, scary man starts saying the Black Hood is doing “God’s work” and then brings up someone called the “Riverdale Reaper.” Meanwhile, Archie finally gets a spare tire, which means this whole situation could’ve been avoided had Jughead just waited 45 extra minutes.
And it’s definitely a situation: Creepy Stranger Man has a gross, dead deer under a tarp in his car. Jughead’s spooked. Apparently, the Riverdale Reaper murdered an entire family back in the day. No one knows what happened to him, so it’s possible the Riverdale Reaper is actually the Black Hood. (Well, that’s what this crazy show is implying, at least.) Creepy Stranger Man then goes rogue, saying he’s leaving Jughead behind and taking the crate with him. He calls Jughead a “sinner,” but thank God Archie shows up and takes Jughead/the crate away before things get crazy. Archie’s so doofy, but I’d swoon if he saved me from any situation.
They deliver the crate and are greeted by a scary woman who says Jughead will be making more deliveries to her. This is the only storyline that’s unfolded so far in the episode, and I’m pissed.
And I was right: Penny Peabody lied. F.P. isn’t injured, and she secretly filmed Jughead delivering those drugs to Greendale, which means she has leverage over him. She’s now ordering him to keep funneling drugs to Greendale…or she’ll turn this video into the police. She has a bone to pick with the Jones family because “F.P. made a promise that he didn’t keep.” Why TF is this show turning into The Godfather?
But thank God, we’ve moved onto another storyline about Josie, the low-key best character on this show. Josie’s mom, Mayor McCoy, is stressed to the max about the Black Hood—which has Josie stressed. On top of that, Josie’s going behind the Pussycats’ backs and writing songs without them.
She has a reason, though: Cheryl apparently slipped a demo of the Pussycats singing to a record producer, and he wants Josie (and only Josie) to have time in his studio. Why Cheryl has such a vested interest in Josie all of a sudden is…suspect, to say the least. But honestly let’s keep the focus on these two characters for the rest of the episode.
Chuck Clayton, that gross dude who Dark Betty took down last season, reemerges and asks Josie on a date, and she iconically refutes him. Cheryl tells Josie she wants to help her career blossom (eh?!) as a thank-you for saving her from Nick St. Clair. However, something tells me there’s more to this story…like a romance?
The Pussycats find out about Josie’s solo songwriting sessions, flip out, and quit the band. Someone left a note in their lockers spilling the tea, and it’s probably the same someone who left a note in Josie’s locker saying they were “watching her.” Shook, Josie (literally) bumps into Gross Chuck and asks for a ride home. He says he’s “trying” to be better, which makes me want to groan. They then go dancing at Pop’s (???), but their fun is interrupted by Mayor McCoy, who’s been worried sick about Josie’s whereabouts. What the hell is this episode even about?
Mayor McCoy tells Josie someone’s been sending her death threats. The sheriff then asks Josie if she’s received any weird notes, and she (of course) says no. Why do teens on these shows always lie to the police?!
And it gets worse: Josie gets another message from the weirdo leaving her notes that says, “If I can’t have you, no one can.” This person also sends a portrait of her face and a pig’s heart. This sicko gave Josie a literal pig’s heart! Josie and Cheryl think Chuck is the one behind these letters, which means he probably isn’t. My money’s on the loner janitor they keep panning to randomly.
Wait…maybe it’s Cheryl leaving the notes: We end this chapter with a shot of Cheryl sketching a picture of herself and Josie together. Listen, if Riverdale‘s about to turn Cheryl into some deranged, queer stalker, then I’m done. Pop-culture needs to stop portraying LGBTQ+ characters as unbalanced.
Cut to the next storyline, which is about Betty and Veronica. Kevin’s complaining to them about his father, the sheriff, who he says is acting weird because of all this Black Hood nonsense. Betty thinks this means Sheriff Keller is the Black Hood (which, coincidentally, is a pretty big fan theory). Veronica thinks it means he’s having an affair. Obviously, they each go on wild goose chases to prove their points.
Veronica convinces Kevin to have a sleepover with her; meanwhile, Betty goes to Sheriff Keller’s office and straight-up asks how the Black Hood broke into the jail cell. He says the Black Hood got in through forced entry, which is probably true, but Betty obviously doesn’t believe him because she’s a Serious Detective.
Veronica suggested having a sleepover at Kevin’s house so she can look for evidence that his dad’s having an affair. Betty’s not there, but she asks Veronica to find proof he’s also the Black Hood. This is all so dumb.
Veronica’s investigation leads her down to the basement, where Sheriff Keller is shirtless, lifting weights, and looking like the damn salt-and-pepper snack I’ve been talking about for weeks! Like, holy hell, this dude is ripped. Why isn’t he shirtless at all times? Veronica and Sheriff Keller have a strange but vague chat that doesn’t prove if he’s having an affair or if he’s the Black Hood. It only proves that he’s a capital-H hottie.
So Betty takes matters into her own hands: She breaks into the Keller’s house—and into Sheriff Keller’s office—and finds what looks like a black hood in one of the drawers. But Sheriff Keller comes back before anything happens, and he calls Betty’s dad, Hal. Apparently, he has an alibi for all the Black Hood’s attacks, which proves he isn’t the perp.
This isn’t good enough for Betty, though, so she and Veronica tail Sheriff Keller’s car to a motel. That’s where they find him and—wait for it—Mayor McCoy making out. So Veronica’s right: He’s having an affair.
Then, the Black Hood calls Pop’s and delivers an ominous final message: Everyone failed, they’re all sinners, and the “reckoning” is imminent. I should be scared, but I’m still thinking about shirtless Sheriff Keller pumping iron in his basement. This show is perfect.
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