The two most important pop-culture events happening this week are Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding and Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Lifetime movie. The latter premiered tonight—after weeks of anticipation—and, guys, it didn’t disappoint. The movie had everything you could want and more: Suits references, snobby British people, quips about Prince William’s hair, jokes about Markle’s Deal or No Deal gig (that last one still has me shouting). Interspersed with this was the story behind Markle and Prince Harry’s romance, which should be taken with a grain of salt, of course. This is an unauthorized Lifetime movie, after all. Even still, it was wickedly entertaining and further fueled my obsession with Markle—and Suits, a show I’ve never seen but now religiously watch interviews about on YouTube. I have a problem.
Anyway, here are 79 thoughts I had while watching the Lifetime movie—many of which are about Suits.
-
This movie opens up with Young Harry in Botswana wistfully looking out a Jeep window. He’s clearly thinking, “In 20 years, an actress from an American cable network will complete me.”
-
Prince Charles calls William and Harry “my darling boys,” and it’s hilarious.
-
Harry running away from his dad in Africa after he tried to talk to him about Diana is a mood.
-
A flashback scene of Harry and Princess Diana stealing doughnuts from the palace is my permanent aesthetic.
-
But then, holy shit: There’s a LION right next to Prince Harry right now. This escalated.
-
There’s also a scene with a young feminist Meghan Markle. She’s writing a letter to a cleaning product company because their commercial was sexist. (This really happened.
-
Also, I have a crush on her dad in this movie.
-
The movie really picks up when Meghan starts filming Suits. Were there really sketchy directors who tried to over-sexualize her character, Rachel Zane? This is news to me. Love that Meghan’s shutting it down, though.
-
Meanwhile, Prince Harry is clubbing. And Prince William’s shaming him for it.
-
Now Harry’s pouting about not having someone. Little does he know Meghan Markle’s just around the corner.
-
The actor who’s playing Prince Harry is hot. That’s all.
-
The actor who’s playing Prince William has a delightful voice. That’s all.
-
Thank god the movie’s stylist didn’t forget to include Prince Harry’s bracelets!
-
“I’d hoped that after the Nazi uniform and stripping down and showing off the family jewels in Las Vegas, we were past all this.” – Prince Charles, being a shady future king.
-
The way they’re depicting Prince William and Kate Middleotn’s marriage in this movie is strange. William’s, like, a lunkish man-child and Kate’s always keeping his shit in order. Wouldn’t be surprised if that were true, though.
PHOTO: Lifetime
-
What the hell? One of the Suits makeup people just jabbed at Meghan Markle for “not getting any younger.” Rude.
-
“He’s handsome, rich, and unlike his older brother, he’s still got his hair” – The friend who set Meghan and Harry up. I’m crying.
-
Meghan asking her friend if Harry’s “nice” is so cringe-y but also cute.
-
The only question Prince Harry asked the friend about Meghan is, “Is she hot?” Groan, groan, groan.
-
Prince Harry’s late to his blind date with Meghan because of course he is. He’s also…hungover? Or just cynical? Whatever, he’s annoying.
-
Meghan chastising Harry for being late and then brushing off the fact he’s the prince is everything.
-
She’s not that mad, though: They start flirting, but it’s so cheesy. I can’t. This truly is the romance movie version of Meghan and Harry.
-
MEGHAN REFERENCES HER DEAL OR NO DEAL DAYS. I’M SCREAMING.
-
I love how they just ping-pong their philanthropic accomplishments back and forth on this date.
-
They also quote a Morgan Freeman poem.
-
But, yeah, they’re adorable. I love Meghan Markle. Even this fake one.
-
“Did you give the milk away for free?” – The first question Meghan’s mom asks her after her date with Harry. This woman is my president.
-
Harry’s watching Suits when he calls Meghan for the first time. USA Network’s impact.
-
Kate Middleton’s reaction when she finds out Meghan’s American: “Oh no. They’re so…loud.” I mean, true.
-
The giraffe! Is! Here! (On their trip to Botswana.)
PHOTO: Lifetime
-
The giraffe is clearly thinking, “I’m such a huge fan of Suits.”
-
Meghan and Harry talk about Diana and hold hands in Botswana. It’s tender. They’re both so hot.
-
Wait, Meghan had to ask for clarification of the phrase “ginger.” Did she….not know what that meant?
-
Oh man. The first sex scene is very, very PG-13. The royal family shouldn’t have worried so much.
-
For real, they basically just cuddle.
-
“Kate and I binge-watched Suits over the weekend” – Prince William. I love how much promo Suits is getting because of this.
-
Meghan would tell her gay hairdresser about Prince Harry before anyone else. Take it from a gay: Always trust the gays.
-
“Glass ceiling, not glass slippers” – Meghan Markle trying to tell herself not to get hung up on Prince Harry. We love a mantra!
-
…but then Prince Harry surprise visits Meghan on the set of Suits. He’s a fan. He stans.
-
You know this is true love when Harry gives Meghan a matching beaded bracelet.
-
Prince Harry dressed up as an actual frog to go to a Suits Halloween party in Toronto with Meghan. Iconic.
-
And Meghan wore a Hillary Clinton mask. It was eight days before the election. What a hopeful time!
-
A bunch of sloppy drunk Suits crew members heckle Prince Harry at the party. Why?
-
The first thing the Palace wants Meghan to do now that her relationship with Harry is public: shut down The Tig. Justice for The Tig!
-
“If she’s your girl, she can’t have opinions.” – Kate. What?
PHOTO: Lifetime
-
Now that Meghan and Harry are public, the royal family’s being so snobby about Meghan. All I want to say is, “Can you anchor a USA Network show for seven seasons?”
-
Real talk: Adorable Prince George is the MVP of this movie.
-
An incredibly rude woman makes jabs about Suits to Meghan with this zinger: “Not exactly Shakespeare.” Um, STFU.
-
And then she talks about Meghan’s hair? Who is she?
-
Prince Harry just called this woman a troll. Thank God. She is one.
-
Harry and Meghan are having a serious talk about race. It’s uncomfortable but probably necessary.
-
As the media attention gets crazy, Prince Harry threatens to go rogue with a statement telling people to leave Meghan alone. I love it.
-
Prince Harry wears a purple beanie and it’s hot AF.
-
“Whatever they bloody well fancy.” – Meghan doing a Harry impression. Living.
-
“I’m a grown-ass woman.” – Meghan. I love when people say this sentence out loud.
-
Meghan runs through a laundry list of why her family is sketchy, and it’s terrible and awkward. Thinking about all those Daily Mail articles now.
-
So…they break up because Meghan thinks Harry just wants to take care of her? He’s pouting and storms out of her house. Did this really happen?
-
“Girl, get your ass out here right now.” – Meghan’s mom when she walks in on Meghan crying over Harry. She’s the real star of this operation.
-
Meghan tries to stop Harry’s plane from taking off by telling the flight attendant she’s dating the prince of England. Why would anyone ever believe that? She looks deranged.
PHOTO: Michael Courtney/Lifetime
-
But it works. So maybe I’m deranged.
-
Ooooh, I remember that Meghan couldn’t go to Pippa’s wedding because she wasn’t engaged to Harry. The shade of it all.
-
And now the movie is at the racist brooch incident.
-
The upbeat electropop music that scores this movie really elevates Harry and Meghan’s relationship.
-
Ugh, a horrible woman makes comments about Meghan’s “biological clock.” I rebuke it.
-
Thankfully, Kate swoops in to help. Yes, friendship. We love friendship.
-
“You two should’ve been able to be together from the start” – Prince Harry to his dad and Camilla, which is awkward because he wouldn’t have been born if that were the case?
-
“I’ve got to go to this thing.” “What thing? “This…royal thing.” What Prince Harry says to get out of talking to Meghan about kids/her career/their future. Dismissive but hysterical.
-
August 2017: Meghan and Harry are back in Botswana. Yup, yup, yup, I remember all of this.
-
Prince Harry’s getting all pissed at Meghan for trying to talk to him about Diana on the 20th anniversary of her death. Draaaaamaaa.
-
He runs off into the grass and sees another lion. The lion is a metaphor for Diana. Who knew this would be the thread that runs through this entire movie?! Lion moms!
-
After his tantrum, Meghan and Harry make out and cry. So weepy. And sexy.
-
The next morning he proposes! But they’re in Africa! Not in their cottage roasting chicken! What is the truth?
PHOTO: Lifetime
-
There’s a scene where a little girl asks Meghan for an autograph and it’s just ???.
-
I love how the narrative they’re creating here is that Meghan was bored with Suits so she quit. Not that she quit for Harry.
-
Prince Harry: “Meet my granny,” a.k.a THE QUEEN.
-
OMG, Queen Elizabeth disses The Crown.
-
And her corgis are present!
-
Finally, we’re watching them cook the famous roast chicken. And there’s a ring! It’s a whole thing! And just like that, the star of Suits became a royal.
-
“Good afternoon. My first order of business is to announce that my grandson, His Royal Highness Prince Henry of Wales, will be marrying a divorced African American lady. Everybody on board? Lovely.” – Queen Elizabeth being both a literal and figurative queen.
Related Stories:
The Queen Just Formally Approved of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Marriage
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s Royal Wedding: Everything You Need to Know
