Tag: Orgasm

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Why Can't I Orgasm? 6 Causes And How to Work Through Them


The trauma needn’t be extreme to imprint us with a blockage to letting go into the release of orgasmic delights. For example, a client of mine struggled with the ability to orgasm for years that stemmed from something that happened when she was a kid. While taking a bath, her mom walked in and saw her touching her genitals when the soap slipped between her legs and yelled in an uncharacteristically harsh way. Put that together with a Catholic School education and what you got was a big fat orgasm blockage.

The solution: If you have been shamed about sex or have traumas big or small, talk to a sex therapist. After some work, that client was able to permit herself to release into orgasm after recognizing how her bathtub shaming experience kept her from exploring pleasure. After a few sessions of unpacking this old learning, she was able to discover her orgasm after making good friends with a vibrator.

3. There’s a physical cause.

Age can also play a role women 49 years and older are more likely than younger women to experience orgasmic dysfunction. As we age, the production of our sex hormones tends to slow down making arousal and orgasm potentially more challenging, Another factor can be a loss of tone in the pelvic floor muscles.

The solution: If you use it, you’re less likely to lose it. Being physically and sexually active is the most potent way to maximize our ongoing sexual potential by bringing increased blood flow to our genitals and strengthening the pelvic floor.

4. You’re wrestling with depression or anxiety.

Feeling depressed or anxious can certainly put a damper on our sexual response. And so can the use of antidepressants like SSRIs (Paxil, Prozac, Lexapro, etc.) that can treat these conditions. These drugs can impact the serotonin system in ways that squash sexual desire and impair the ability to orgasm. And likewise, if you are self-medicating anxiety or depression with alcohol, that also can blunt the sexual response.

The solution: If you are anxious or depressed, don’t hesitate to consult a therapist and explore tools to help improve your mental health. If you need an antidepressant, talk to your doctor about any potential sexual side-effects when making the decision as to which medication to take. And if you are already taking an antidepressant that appears to be negatively impacting your sexual response, talk to your doctor about re-evaluating your medication regimen. There are some antidepressant medications that are less likely to cause sexual problems.

5. You’re not totally comfortable with your partner.

If you can orgasm solo but not with a partner (situational anorgasmia), you are not alone. This is a common issue and usually stems from either being too uncomfortable about letting go all the way in the presence of a partner, or from having issues asking for the precise kind of stimulation you need.

Conflict in relationships can also be a big reason the orgasm becomes elusive. If you don’t feel safe with your partner or harbor big resentments, orgasms can be the causality.

The solution: Women often aren’t comfortable asking for what they need in bed, largely for fear of being offensive, being seen as too assertive, or hurting their partner’s feelings. But asking your partner for precisely what you want and need in bed does both of you a favor. Couples who learn to take risks in authentically communicating often report that it greatly enhances their ongoing sexual potential.

There’s no quick fix for deeper relationship problems, but take the orgasm shutdown as good information which can facilitate difficult but freeing conversations. Working with a skilled relationship therapist trained in sex therapy can do wonders for a relationship in trouble. As I like to say to my couples, let’s take the relationship breakdown and create a relationship breakthrough.

6. You’re too stressed.

If you’ve ever been too preoccupied with your to-do list to get turned on, you’re not alone. Being too stressed to relax into orgasm is a very real thing. Ongoing stress is associated with a cascade of negative effects on our sex hormones and our physical and emotional wellbeing, which translates to a dropoff in desire.

The solution: Addressing your stress levels can do wonders for your sex life. Practice mindfulness, leave your phone outside the bedroom, make sure you’re getting a daily dose of endorphin-releasing movement.

Make this a priority. Healthy hedonism heals.

And remember, orgasms are not the be all and do all of the sexual world. Letting go of seeking the orgasm can help it find you. Some women report orgasming easily but not feeling particularly satisfied, while others report satisfying levels of pleasure with or without the big O. Say yes to the experience you are having.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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What Does An Orgasm Feel Like? A Neuroscientist Explains


For all the time our society spends talking about sex, many women are still asking themselves this question: What does an orgasm feel like?

As a certified sex therapist turned neuroscientist, I get asked about orgasms a lot. In my new column for Glamour, I’m here to address your pressing questions about sex, love, and pleasure. With over three decades of experience studying the science of pleasure, I can say without a doubt that the ability to experience potent and satisfying pleasures like orgasm isn’t a luxury—female pleasure is a necessity for our health and wellbeing (something I talk about in much more detail in my new book Why Good Sex Matters out later this month).

The female orgasm is a fantastic thing: it can be triggered by stimulating the clitoris, vagina, nipples, cervix, or an out-of-this-world combination of all of the above. Here what you need to know about what an orgasm feels like, and how to prioritize having more of them.

For starters, what is an orgasm?

Although there’ve been many attempts to define and describe the elusive experience of the “big O,” my favorite, and simplest of all, was coined by Charles Kinsey, a pioneer in the study of human sexuality. In scientist speak, he nailed it: “The expulsive discharge of neuromuscular tensions at the peak of the sexual response.”

Here’s how that breaks down: “Neuro” refers to the nerves of the body and neurons of the brain, “muscular” refers to muscles, and explosive discharge, well, speaks for itself. An orgasm is an intensely pleasurable response to sexual stimulation.

Having one doesn’t necessarily involve the genitals. Case in point: “nipplegasms.” There are even some talented individuals who appear able to experience a “thought” or “imagery”-induced orgasm, without any physical stimulation at all. Lucky them.

My research has demonstrated that the “big O “is indeed a “big brain” event, increasing blood flow to a range of brain regions, which is good for brain health. In fact, having an orgasm may be better for your brain than doing crossword puzzles—not to mention, much more fun.

What should an orgasm feel like?

A study done back in the 1970s asked male and female college students to describe how their orgasms felt. Most of the descriptions involved a pleasurable release of built-up tensions, experienced as an explosion of sensation, sometimes bordering on the ecstatic, and finally a wave of warmth, peace, and relaxation.

The truth is, orgasms exist on a spectrum: There are orgasms, and then there are ORGASMS! Some are pleasant, but not earth-shattering, and others are screaming-laughing-crying episodes of pure ecstasy. Both are important and valid.

I tend to discourage people from “shoulding” on themselves or their experiences. When we evaluate how things should feel or how they should be, we take ourselves away from the experience. My book, Why Good Sex Matters is not entitled Why Great Sex Matters for an important reason; when we start evaluating our erotic lives, chasing and seeking great sex or super or multiple orgasms, we miss the point, likely sabotaging our own capacity for pleasure. Good sex involves being present to the experience we are having. And a good orgasm is any orgasm that comes along.

What is the difference between the female orgasm and the male orgasm?

One big difference is that males have a refractory period after orgasm, which shuts down the sex party, at least for a while. Females are not wired that way—women are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms during sexual activity. In a recent study using a nationally representative sample of 1005 women, a whopping 47% of women reported having multiple orgasms.



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How to Have a Cervical Orgasm, According to a Neuroscientist


The cervical orgasm, much like the nipple orgasm sounds a bit like sex science fiction. For many years, scientists thought it was, believing that the cervix itself doesn’t register sensation. Luckily, they were wrong.

In my three decades of practice as a psychotherapist, relationship expert, and sex therapist—plus 10 years conducting sex research as a neuroscientist—I’ve learned a lot about the science of sex. In my new Glamour column Ask Dr. Nan (and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters) I’m answering all of your burning questions about pleasure—an absolute necessity to a woman’s wellbeing.

What better place to start than the different types of orgasms?
Famous sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson were the first to discover that the cervix does in fact respond to pressure (though they overlooked what the consequences of their data meant for the future of women’s orgasms). It always amazes me how much the female human body has remained a mystery—so let’s demystify.

Here’s everything you need to know about cervical orgasms and how to have one.

What is a cervical orgasm?

When a penis or dildo rubs against the cervix during deep penetration of the vagina, the result can be an incredibly intense orgasm.

That orgasm doesn’t come from cervical stimulation alone—Mother Nature wired our magnificent genitalia such that stimulation of various parts of the vagina results in indirect clitoral stimulation and vice versa. Same goes for the cervix. In a lab, you can use a special probe to stimulate the cervix directly, but in real life, lighting up the cervix involves stimulating the walls of the vagina, which also triggers the clitoral bulbs hugging the walls of the vagina. Translation? In the process of stimulating your cervix, you’re also lighting up other hot spots.

What does a cervical orgasm feel like?

The sensations (and orgasms) arising from stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, and cervix tend to differ, primarily because the sensory nerves that wire each part are different. You’re most likely to stimulate the cervix during deep vaginal penetration—the resulting orgasms have been described as a “shower of stars,” according to research conducted by my mentor, and sex science superstar, Dr. Beverly Whipple. A cervical orgasm feels like it starts in the pelvis, spreads to the abdomen, and then engulfs the whole body.

Can anyone have a cervical orgasm? Is it safe?

In a study done in 2000, 35% of 128 healthy women reported experiencing orgasms from stimulation of the cervix by the penis during intercourse. These numbers suggest that orgasm enhanced by cervical stimulation may be in reach (pun intended) by those motivated to pursue such pleasures.

Cervical stimulation does require deep penetration. Very deep. And that can seem a little scary. In terms of safety, the short answer is that cervical stimulation is safe under normal circumstances—trying something out like this is probably not the smartest move during advanced pregnancy. If you experience cramping, bleeding or more than mild discomfort, this mode of stimulation might not be for you—and that’s totally fine. Take it slow, and always speak up if you’re in pain or uncomfortable. (And if you have bleeding from intercourse, consult your doctor. The tissue of the cervix is sensitive and can be bruised if the stimulation is too intense.)

It’s perfectly okay if this type of deep stimulation does not appeal to you. Individual differences loom large in and out of the bedroom—listening to your gut feelings about such things is always a good practice.

How to have a cervical orgasm

1. Communicate



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5 Reasons You're Not Having an Orgasm (And How to Make It More Likely)


For most women, clitoral stimulation is the best way to achieve an orgasm—if your partner isn’t engaging your clitoris during intercourse, that may explain things. Kramer Bussel suggests using sex toys during sex, which “can offer various types of stimulation to different body parts.” You can also literally train your body to feel more pleasure during penetration. “Many women who self-pleasure do so by clitoral stimulation only,” says Yelverton, “but when women masturbate with a sex toy internally, it begins to train the body to orgasm that way.”

3. You aren’t comfortable with your body.

If you spend the better part of your day criticizing your body, it may be difficult to achieve orgasm. “Often times, women are concerned about what their bodies look like naked during sex distracting them from fully being present in the moment,” says Yelverton.

Yelverton recommends focusing less on your own body and more on where your body is connecting with your partner. It’s important to focus on what you’re feeling, instead of what you’re thinking about your body outside of the bedroom,” she says. “Try to appreciate your body and love the experience.“

If you need help in this department, she suggests experimenting with a blindfold—playing with sensory deprivation is a great way to stay present during sex.

4. You aren’t masturbating enough.

It might seem counterintuitive to masturbate in order to achieve orgasm with a partner, but if you don’t know what works for you, how will someone else? “Women who don’t regularly masturbate may not know their bodies well enough to communicate their needs of how to be touched to their partners,” says Yelverton. “The best thing is to really explore your body.” She suggests awakening those nerve endings multiple times a week.

Kramer Bussel agrees, and especially recommends sex toys for your solo experimenting. “Sex toys can go a long way, and can do things that we may not be able to on our own,” she says. Once you’ve mastered the art of self-pleasure, you can instruct your partner on what they should be doing to help bring you to orgasm during sex.

5. You’re too focused on achieving orgasm.

If you’re too focused on having an orgasm, it’s very possible to get in your own way. So, it’s important to remember that orgasms aren’t the only point of sex. “I don’t think orgasms are the be all and end all of sex for me,” Kramer Bussel says. “I like to have them but I would rather focus on feeling good than achieving a goal.”

That focus on feeling good is especially helpful when you consider how connecting with your partner, or with yourself, can be beneficial for your mental and physical health. Try experimenting with “non-sexual touch activities,” like giving each other massages, which can be beneficial to how you communicate your needs to your partner once you’re in bed, says Yelverton.



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How to Have a Nipple Orgasm


When your nipples are stimulated, these feel good vibes also find their way to a key brain structure called the hypothalamus, which among its many important functions, regulates the brain chemicals that make us exhilarated, furious, horny, or happy. Stimulation of the nipples causes the hypothalamus to release oxytocin—the “love hormone.”

What does a nipple orgasm feel like?

From most reports, nipplegasms feel quite good and can range in intensity from the small sigh-like kind of orgasm to the bigger toe-curling variety.

If you factor in the fact that nipple stimulation targets ground zero of the “genital sensory cortex” and can also cause pleasurable contractions down below, it isn’t surprising that the nipplegasm can resemble orgasms from stimulation of the clitoris and vagina.

Can anyone have a nipple orgasm?

I wish I knew. Reports based on non-scientific surveys estimate the percentage of women experiencing orgasm from nipple stimulation alone ranges anywhere from 1% to 15.5%. This is far from scientifically conclusive but I would speculate that the more orgasmic a woman is in general, the more likely she will be able to enjoy the delights of an orgasm induced by nipple stimulation alone.

How to have a nipplegasm

For starters, the advice I give women, in general, applies equally well here: don’t strive for the orgasm, but rather enjoy the sensations along the way. Nonetheless, here are some suggestions for having more fun with your nipples.

1. Do kegels while stimulating your nipples.

In addition to the sexual health benefits of strengthening the pelvic floor through a regular practice of kegels, pulling up on the floor of the pelvis (using a similar action to that used to stop the flow of urine midstream) and rhythmically contracting the PC muscles during nipple stimulation can enhance sexual pleasure and increase the probability of enjoying an nipplegasm. Or any other kind of “gasm” for that matter.

2. Get your head in the game.

I published a study showing that simply imagining pleasurable genital stimulation without any actual physical touch lit up the pleasure places in the brain very much like the real thing. Take advantage of your powerful mind and use it to connect the sensations you experience during nipple stimulation with thinking about/fantasizing/imagining pleasurable genital touch.

3. Stimulate various parts of your body.

To prime your body for pleasure, alternate between genital touch and nipple touch, taking advantage of the neuroscience adage “neurons that fire together wire together.” The more both regions get stimulated in tandem, the stronger the connections between them will become.

4. Prioritize pleasure.

And finally, don’t forget to devote more time to pleasure. Period. The more you play, the more likely you are to find your way to to nipplegasm-land.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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Clit Orgasm Tips for Partner & Solo Clitoral Stimulation


Paradoxically, as arousal reaches higher levels, the glans can become super sensitive, so less direct clitoral stimulation often feels better. Make sure to use lube while delivering light, delicate stimulation at this point.

And feel free to experiment beyond the glans. Learn how to externally massage your clitoral bulbs by placing your fingers firmly on the skin on either side of your vaginal opening and pressing down to rub the area. As the bulbs swell, you will be able to feel them become puffy. As I like to say, you need to know how to play your own instrument!

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Tips For Having a Clit Orgasm with A Partner

When women masturbate, they tend to focus on the clit and keep their bodies rather stiff and rigid. This might be a fast way to the finish line, but developing this habit may hamper being able to have maximum pleasure during partnered sex.

When you move your body during sex, you enhance blood flow to the genitals and also take advantage of the dual pleasure action that happens when the labia indirectly stimulates the clitoral hood. Circling your hips during penetration helps indirectly stroke those clitoral bulbs, supercharging those sensations.

Finally, breathe deeply. It gets more oxygen to all of the essential body and brain parts to enhance circulation.

A final note: Orgasms are great, but they are not the end-all, be-all of pleasure. Striving to “achieve an orgasm” is a sure way to squash pleasure, hampering the possibility of good sex, which hinges on the ability to experience sensations and savor connection to self and others.

So however you go about exploring your clit orgasm, do it with an open mind and most importantly, enjoy it.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.





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