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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 5 Recap: Oh, Betty…


Tonight’s Riverdale episode was intense, to say the least. There were breakups, (more) fist-fights, IRL rattlesnakes…even a subtle Taylor Swift reference. Let’s just jump right into the madness. Spoilers ahead.

We open with Betty Permanent-Ponytail Cooper shooketh to her core because she’s currently phoning with the Black Hood. He’s clearly using some cheap-ass software to alter how his voice sounds, like he’s on To Catch a Predator or something. Apparently, the Black Hood was at the town hall—just like Betty and Jughead predicted—but he didn’t hurt anyone.

This is so ridiculous: The Black Hood says he wants to “cleanse” Riverdale of “sinners,” including Betty’s sister, Polly, who he believes has a “sin in her womb.” Somehow, he knows Polly’s living at a farm two hours north of Riverdale, and he tells Betty he’ll “carve” Polly “like a jack-o-lantern” if she tells the police she knows his next move. I should be scared, but I’m cackling.

Minutes later, Alice comes barging in and laments about how Jughead’s showing his “true colors” now that he’s moved to the South Side. To be honest, though, I think Jughead’s the worst no matter where he lives. Alice suggests Jughead is the one responsible for a lot of the fuckery going down in Riverdale, which I wish were true.

Meanwhile, Archie gave into the principal’s demands and issued an apology about the Red Circle. Wah! Bummer, this means no more hot shirtless dudes wearing masks and screaming nonsense.

But he has enough nonsense coming from Betty: Stupidly, she decides to risk Polly’s life and tells Archie the Black Hood called her. They exchange worried, wide-eyed glances, and Archie says he’s not going to let her go through this alone. But being alone is better than having loose-cannon Archie on your team, IMHO.

Veronica’s ex-boyfriend, Nick St. Clair, is coming to Riverdale with his parents to see the SoDale Project Hiram’s working on. The Lodges need investors with deep pockets, and Hiram and Hermione essentially tell Veronica to seduce Nick (and, subsequently, his parents) into giving money to SoDale. Archie’s clearly miffed at the idea of Veronica’s ex coming to town.

Over at South Side High, the Serpents are still salty about the rainy fist fight they had with the Red Circle and the article Alice Cooper wrote condemning the South Side. Their solution to this is to blow up the newspaper office. Jughead, naturally, flips out when he hears this and pleads with them to change their plan. They basically tell Jughead to STFU and that he can’t be half a Serpent. He has to choose between them and Riverdale (read: Betty). Jughead furrows his brows at this like a child. He then goes to a Serpent bar, in his father’s Serpent jacket, and says he’s ready to fully join the gang. He’s obviously lying, but the Serpents buy it and warn him about their “initiation” process. Oof.

PHOTO: The CW

Spoiler alert: It’s a dog. The initiation process is literally just Jughead having to take care of a dog. Oh, and then he has to memorize a bunch of Serpent rules and scream them in a bar like a marine. And then he has to stick his hand in a rattlesnake’s cage! OMG?!?

Apparently, Jughead wants to become a Serpent to keep the gang from from waging an all-out war against the North Side. It’s a noble gesture, but does he really think they’re going to listen to him? He wears a beanie! Also, it’s very apparent Toni Topaz is developing feelings for him (which I don’t understand). Bughead drama is on the horizon, tweens.

Wait! The Black Hood calls Betty again! With Archie in the room! He says Alice is a “thorn” they need to get rid of, which is ominous AF. The Black Hood then sends Betty an email and tells her to publish it to prove her “loyalty” to him. If she does this, he’ll answer one question that she has—and she can ask anything, except his name.

But this task is a little tricky, seeing as how what he wants Betty to publish is insane: It’s an old newspaper cover featuring teenage Alice on the cover with the headline, “South Side Teen Arrested and Released on Bail.” Yes, friends, this means Alice Cooper used to be a South Sider—which totally explains her blind hatred for it. Betty doesn’t think they should publish the mugshot, but Rogue Psycho Archie does. Of course.

The St. Clairs blow into Riverdale looking like the most stereotypical rich people alive. Veronica and Nick have some mild flirtation, but, like Archie’s way hotter so I’m not concerned.

But maybe I should be: After Nick and Archie have dinner at the Lodge’s, Nick offers them cocaine, which they turn down. Nick compares the Riverdale teens to “country mice” and essentially sticks his nose up at their entire existence. Nick does like the Pussycats, though, and he invites them (and Veronica) to a party he’s hosting. Cheryl invites herself because she’s iconic.

"Chapter Eighteen: When A Stranger Calls"

PHOTO: The CW

A quick detour: Sheriff Keller (a.k.a the salt-and-pepper snack) says the handwriting from the letter the Black Hood sent Betty and the one he sent Alice aren’t a match. This fuels Alice’s hatred for the South Side and her belief that Jughead is the one behind Betty’s letter. However, this is just a ruse: The Black Hood is so obviously behind both. Anyway, Alice’s resentment toward Jughead bites her in the bum: It gives Betty the motivation to publish the mugshot of her the Black Hood sent.

And in return, as promised, Betty gets to ask the Black Hood one question: Would she recognize his face? He says, “yes,” and then he creepily goes on a rant about how he wants Betty all to himself. He wants her to cut everyone else out of her life…or he will. And the first victim is Veronica, or as he calls her, “the daughter of an embezzler.” Rude!

This drama is put on hold so Bughead can make out and lie to each other about their problems. Betty also lies to Archie about the Black Hood calling her again, and she pretends everything is OK between her and Veronica at Nick’s party later that night.

Which is nuts, by the way, because Nick brings Jingle Jangle, that crazy drug that looks like Pixy Stix. And they all do it! Well, except Betty. Fearful of the Black Hood’s wrath, she intentionally starts a fight with Veronica, branding her a fake and a crook, just like her father. She then leaves the party, abruptly, and Veronica’s visibly upset.

Cut back to Jughead: Toni Topaz warns him that the final test to become a Serpent, the Gauntlet, is intense as hell and he needs to prepare himself to lose his North Side friends and Betty. Jughead’s not fazed, but he should be. Your laptop can’t get you out of this, bud!

Oh my God, Nick is garbage: He says Veronica was “teasing” him all night at the party and attempts to make out with her. She literally has to force him off. He gets angry at this and tells Veronica he has the power to “implode” Hiram’s SoDale deal. This is 100 percent an attempt to coerce Veronica into sleeping with him, but she doesn’t fall for it: She slaps him in the face and walks away.

God, the Black Hood’s demands just don’t stop: Now, he wants Betty to cut out Jughead…and she asks Archie to do it for her. He goes to Jughead’s trailer to deliver the news minutes before the Serpents show up. They all clash. Archie’s pissed Jughead’s joining the gang. Jughead’s pissed at Archie for being Betty’s messenger. It’s all a mess, and it ends with Jughead jumping head first into his final Serpent challenge. (Which is essentially just the Serpents beating the shit out of him.)

"Chapter Eighteen: When A Stranger Calls"

PHOTO: The CW

Goddess Alice certainly isn’t letting that mugshot bring her down: She shows up to the SoDale open house with a snake around her neck, just like New Taylor Swift, and tells her husband (Hal) to “shove it.” Meanwhile, Nick thinks a simple, “I’m sorry” rectifies sexually assaulting Veronica. He says he’s been in and out of rehab. Veronica doesn’t want to play nice, but she knows her parents are counting on her—so she appeases him.

And, yup, Nick is a monster: Cheryl shows up to the SoDale benefit, and he slips some type of pill in her drink. He attempts to sexually assault her, but Veronica and Josie and the Pussycats intervene before he does anything. And then they beat the shit out of him. It’s glorious.

Betty gets yet another call from the Black Hood after she dumps Jughead. He says his identity is hidden in some abandoned farmhouse, so of course she runs there to find it.

There’s a present in the middle of the house, and the Black Hood tells Betty to open it. Inside there’s—wait for it—a black hood, and he instructs her to put it on and look in the mirror. That’s the answer: He says they’re the same person. So…does this mean the Black Hood is a Cooper? Hal? Betty’s brother? Dark Betty?!? WTF!?

Oh, and WTF, part two: Toni takes Jughead and Betty’s “breakup” as an opportunity to kiss him. Does this mean they’re a couple now?! His beanie is still warm, girl!

Holy crap. It’s not over yet. The Black Hood calls Betty one last time and says he knows she’s been telling Archie about their chats—and now Polly’s going to pay for it. However, he says he won’t kill Polly if Betty tells him another person to kill. She hesitates and finally gives him a name: Nick St. Clair.

Parting thoughts: This show is woefully underusing Cheryl Blossom.



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'This Is Us' Season 2 Episode 7 Recap: The Emotional Story Behind Randall's Adoption


There wasn’t a big hook or plot twist on tonight’s This Is Us episode; instead, the show-runners gave us a poignant, emotional 42 minutes where we learned more about the characters than arguably ever before. Here’s what happened (spoilers ahead, of course):

Jack and Rebecca

We open with a friendly little reminder that Rebecca and Jack didn’t formally adopt Randall: They straight-up just took him home from the hospital, so a social worker is now entering the picture to make things official. She’s sweet, but at one point savagely pops into Rebecca and Jack’s house for a surprise check-up, which gives me life. Keep Jack and his beard in check, girl!

The Pearson gang has to appear in front of a judge, Ernest Bradley (a black man), to make Randall’s adoption legit. But this dude isn’t playing games; he immediately asks to speak to the Pearson’s social worker, and because she isn’t there he reschedules their court date for three weeks. Rebecca and Jack are shook because the social worker told them she didn’t need to be present for the hearing. Something’s fishy. It’s probably concerning Rebecca’s middle-part.

Nope, it’s not that: The judge doesn’t think Randall belongs in Jack and Rebecca’s home; he thinks Randall belongs with a black family. He says Randall won’t be prepared to live life as a black man if he’s raised by Rebecca and Jack. Rebecca tries to fight the judge on this, but he says his opinion won’t change. So, she writes an angry letter to the judge saying her family won’t stop until he does his job.

Instead, he recuses himself from the case, and the Pearsons go before another judge (a black woman) to formally adopt Randall. It’s a much smoother process this time around. She has no objections and signs Randall’s adoption into law.

Adult Randall

Randall isn’t pleased about taking Déjà on a court-ordered trip to visit her mother, who, remember, is in jail. He immediately tries to block Déjà from seeing someone in handcuffs when they get to the jail, which is such a Randall thing to do. He’s the best.

PHOTO: NBC

But, oh man, Déjà’s mother—for whatever reason—opts out of the visit. She doesn’t want to see Déjà, but Randall massages the situation to make it seem less harsh. And the hits keep coming: Apparently, Déjà had been saving up every cent of her allowance to give her mother so she’d be more comfortable in jail. Oy.

Now, Beth’s the one who isn’t pleased; she says that as long as Déjà is under their roof she’s not visiting her birth mother. That’s a bit of a statement to make since, ya know, these visits are mandatory. But Beth’s a queen who’s above the law, so I support her.

Randall visits Déjà’s birth mother on his own and learns more about her situation. She didn’t want to see Déjà the other day because she has large bruises on her face. (She was jumped.) They proceed to have a very tense argument about what’s best for Déjà, which ends with Randall saying Déjà’s mother will have to “go through him” in order to get to her. There’s a lot of nuances at play here that I’m not sure how to unpack. Ultimately, Randall decides to give Déjà’s mom their phone number so she can call her that night.

Adult Kate

Oh my God, Kate and Toby tell Kevin they’re pregnant in the cheesiest, dorkiest way—but, like, it’s kind of cute. Sweatshirts are involved. Kevin’s either too drunk/high/sad to grasp the news right away, but eventually he feigns enthusiasm. I’m so over sad Kevin and want them to bring back shirtless Kevin.

Kate, of course, notices that Kevin was a hazy mess during their pregnancy announcement—but she immediately pivots the conversation to Toby’s very Catholic mother. Toby’s afraid to talk to his mom about their pregnancy because they aren’t married, which is a big no-no for Catholics. So Kate’s wild-ass solution is for them to get married that day. Alrighty then.

But maybe this isn’t going to happen? Kate and Toby get awkward about the whole thing at city hall—and then Toby has a super creepy conversation with Jack’s urn about how much Kate loves traditional weddings. So, yeah, they’re probably going to have a big wedding.

Toby re-proposes to Kate and says they should have a big, ridiculous wedding if that’s what she really wants. They cry. It’s cute and emotional and just a pinch blech. But isn’t all of This Is Us just a pinch blech? That’s why we love it.

Adult Kevin

Kevin, for some reason, keeps delaying his trip to visit Sophie in New York City. No, actually, he’s delaying moving to New York City; apparently, between last week’s episode and this week’s, Kevin decided to move back East. He’s clearly sad and acting weird, and his burgeoning pill addiction is probably to blame. He immediately pops a pill and takes a swig of beer after talking to Sophie on the phone. Oof.

Kevin, clearly high, manically goes shopping for an engagement ring for Sophie an hour before boarding a flight to New York He ends up buying three rings and telling the jeweler he’ll let Sophie “decide” which one she wants. This makeshift engagement will end badly.

This Is Us - Season 2

PHOTO: NBC

Kevin gets to Sophie’s hospital (remember, she’s a nurse) and immediately starts popping pills. He falls asleep at the hospital, while waiting for Sophie, and has a nightmare about being a bad father. Then, he shows up to Sophie’s house—sweaty, high, and clearly strung-out—and says he’s not the guy she thinks he is. He says the dreams he has of their future are nightmares. Sophie then abruptly shuts the door in his face. So…they’re broken up? Yikes, this is all just so depressing.

Young William/2016 William

But wait! Tonight’s episode also included some backstory about Randall’s father, William, and it was emotional. In an earlier flashback, we see William being sentenced to jail for drug possession; he gives a very emotional monologue about how he does drugs to mask the pain of losing his mother, girlfriend, and son. He calls himself the most disappointed man alive. It’s a doozy—if not a wee bit melodramatic.

Equally as melodramatic—but damn it, so effective—is the monologue William’s judge gives him about also being disappointed. He says he’s tired of sentencing people to long, hopeless prison stints for crimes that could’ve been prevented, and he wants to take a chance on him. It’s a poignant scene, and it makes me miss 2016 William. Bring him back!

OK, so 2016 William does come back—for a very sad mini-arc. It’s at the moment he finds out his cancer is fatal. William returns to his apartment with the materials to shoot up heroine, but before he does it he visualizes the face of the judge who gave him mercy decades before. Immediately after this, he gets a knock on the door: It’s Randall, from the pilot, telling William he’s his biological son. Damn it, here come the tears.

And get this: The judge who recused himself from the Pearson’s case and the judge who worked young William’s case know each other. It’s a convoluted and forced twist, but I have goosebumps regardless, so who’s the real sucker here?

Related Stories:

The Story Behind Kate and Rebecca’s Explosive Fight on This Is Us Season Two Episode Two



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'Outlander' Season 3, Episode 8 Recap: Claire Meets Jamie's Other Wife and Things Get Bloody


This article centers on Season 3, Episode 8 of Outlander, “First Wife.” If you’re not yet caught up with the show, be warned: Spoilers abound.

I suppose it was all a bit too easy, Claire returning to the 18th century, finding Jamie in like five minutes, and falling into his perfectly sculpted arms on the way to a lifetime of great sex. Alas.

This week, Claire and Jamie learn that second chances don’t come easy. The Frasers return to Lallybroch with young Ian and receive a rather uncomfortable reception from Jenny and Ian Sr. who are, as you might expect, angry Jamie lied about having young Ian with him; angry Jamie had young Ian engaging in criminal pursuits; and bewildered Claire is still alive. There is a lot of anger in this episode. Jenny is particularly frosty toward Claire, referring to her as a “stray.” Jenny is either aggressive or passive aggressive to her sister-in-law for most of the episode, but she’s also pretty much the best part of it. Overall, it works.

We see how the Murray children have grown, some with children of their own, all running around Lallybroch as wildly indistinct scenery because they don’t get much screen time. One thing I’ve noticed about Outlander is that in trying to make each dense, plot-filled book into a thirteen-episode season, the show often feels rushed and unbalanced. There will be a chunk of episodes focusing on a given plot point while other plot points are dealt with in a scene or two. Because I haven’t read the books, I see neither the rhyme nor the reason to some of the show’s narrative choices.

That first night at Lallybroch, Claire and Jamie have a moment alone and Claire implores him to let her tell Jenny the truth of where she has been, but Jamie says Jenny has never left the farm and couldn’t handle the truth. He is wrong, obviously, because Jenny is awesome, but Claire concedes. Then Jamie tells Claire the story of how he escaped prison to go to Silkies Island searching for her on the word of Duncan Kerr, the feverish dying man who came upon the prison while Jamie was incarcerated earlier this season.

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks

In the story, Jamie swims through frigid cold water and though, to his despair, he doesn’t find Claire, he does find a small box of treasure—ancient coins and gems and so on. To be honest, it doesn’t look like much. He leaves the box there and returns to prison because the men there need him. “I wasn’t on an island but I was out there, wishing you’d come and find me,” Claire says. The couple continues saying deeply romantic things to each other and I started getting excited because I thought they were going to have sex. I was very, very wrong. There is no sex in this week’s episode, which means the grand reunion was…something of a letdown. I’m kind of worried there will be no more sex this season.

In the middle of this intimate moment, Jamie realizes he needs to come clean with Claire about his secret. But just as Jamie is about to spill, two girls burst into their room—the younger one, a redhead—both calling Jamie “Daddy.” They are followed by that horrible Laoghaire who accused Claire of witchcraft and almost had her killed during Season 1. Laoghaire is outraged, calling Claire “Sassenach witch,” and tells Claire she is Jamie’s wife.

Claire is just stunned and gasping and who can blame her? It’s one thing for Jamie to have gotten married. It’s another thing entirely for him to have married the one woman who has done such grievous harm. I cannot begin to fathom the why of Jamie’s second marriage and I know the show is going to give us some stupid explanation. This is what this show tends to do whenever something implausible happens. Something implausible happens every episode.

“We don’t have a bond that keeps people together,” Jamie tells his stepdaughter Joan, also explaining that he has such a bond with Claire, his first wife. The kid is like seven years old so I’m not sure why he’s acting like she gets it but okay. He also promises he will always look after Joan and her sister, before sending Joan home.

Up in their room, Claire is gathering her things. Jamie tries to explain himself, and we learn he is not the father of either of the girls (a total ye olde Maury episode). He married Laoghaire less than two years ago. Claire is having none of it and when Jamie says, “You’re the one who told me to be kind to the lass,” I personally ducked, in my apartment, even though this is just a TV show. There’s a reason women snap and it’s because men push them to the limit.

What follows is one hell of a fight. Jamie claims Claire left him twenty years prior. They both make clear they have suffered during their time apart and then Jamie is kissing Claire and she is slapping him and they’re wrestling and it’s kind of dodgy and kind of hot. Things are looking up! Jamie declares his undying love for first wife and they start tearing at each other. Just as they are finally about to do the dirty, Jenny throws water on them. Jenny is a consummate hater, an 18th-century cock blocker. And with that, any hope of carnality fades.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks/STARZ

The next day, Jamie tries to stop Claire from leaving Lallybroch and vows to make things right. “I’ve only known one love in my life and that was with you,” he says. Someone should do a supercut of all the ways he declares his love. It’s so extra. Unfortunately, Laoghaire happens upon them as they’re talking, only now she has a gun and she’s going on about how Jamie is hers—and then the gun goes off. Jamie is shot in the shoulder, because of course.

Now it’s just like old times, Jamie injured in some way and Claire putting him back together. Claire immediately shifts into Doctor Mode and sets to digging the buckshot pellets out after Jamie self-medicates with whisky. Young Ian looks on and seems rather intrigued by the whole affair. Everything turns out fine.

When Jamie comes to, he finally explains why he married Laoghaire. The explanation is exactly as lame as I expected it to be. Basically, he was sad and lonesome. “I was a ghost,” he says. And then, during a Christmas party at Lallybroch, two young girls ask him to dance, and as he’s twirling about with the girls, he starts to feel something like joy. The girls are Laoghaire’s daughters, Marsali and Joan. One thing leads to another and he marries Laoghaire. It was a simpler time, I guess. Their marriage is kind of lousy but he has his stepdaughters and he gets to be a husband again, which is all he really wanted. Things don’t work out in the marriage bed because Laoghaire is scared of intimacy, probably because one of her previous husbands, of which there are two. “I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being afraid of my touch,” Jamie says, and that’s why he went to Edinburgh. Uh. Okay. Sure. As he’s talking, Claire realizes Jamie has a fever but fret not! She has some 20th-century penicillin.

Ned Gowan, the lawyer from Season 1, stops by Lallybroch. He informs the Frasers that Jamie’s marriage to Laoghaire is invalid because Jamie and Claire were married first. Take that, Laoghaire! Long story short, Laoghaire pitches a fit and wants alimony—twenty pounds and then ten pounds a year so she and her daughters can continue living in the style to which they have become accustomed. (Marital dissolution is the same in any century.) Claire, Jamie, Jenny, and Ian Sr. are trying to figure out how to pay such a vast sum but of course, there is a solution—the treasure Jamie found on Silkies Island. Of course! Young Ian will swim out to the island to fetch the small treasure chest and then he, Claire, and Jamie will go to France to sell the treasure for sterling and come back to Scotland with the money they need to get Laoghaire off their backs. The funniest part of this convolution is everyone acting like this is a. a reasonable plan and b. that it will work out fine.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks

Now, at this point you might be thinking that for an episode of Outlander, this week’s goings-on mostly make sense. Don’t worry. There are still a few minutes left. As young Ian swims out to the island, Claire tells Jamie she’s not sure they should stay together anymore. She gets all emotional about how hard things have been since she came back to the 18th century. Blah, blah, blah. I honestly rolled my eyes. Like, could they not figure out what to have Claire and Jamie do while they waited for Ian to play fetch? This would have been a great moment for a sex scene, but no, the Frasers have to rehash their feelings for the umpteenth time. Jamie says pretty things again about how he and Claire are bonded for life. It’s a little predictable at this point. We’ve seen this scene about ten times over the past three episodes.

Before they can continue this dull conversation, a tall ship suddenly appears. Yes, the show introduces the bizarre curveball at the very end. Claire and Jamie start shouting to Ian who cannot hear them because he’s like a mile away. And it’s windy. Men from the tall ship row to the island and grab young Ian. Why? Who knows? Why are they even in the vicinity? Who knows? Come on. What are the chances? This is so improbable. I just cannot. What I can tell you is that the episode ends with young Ian being kidnapped and Claire and Jamie looking on from shore, helplessly, as the tall ship sails away. I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be in Scotland for much longer. In other words, there is no sex on the Outlander horizon. Je suis désolée.

Roxane Gay is the author of Bad Feminist, Difficult Women, and most recently, Hunger. She is also the author of World of Wakanda for Marvel and a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times.

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'The Big Bang Theory' Season 11 Episode 6 Recap: Finally, Justice for Penny


Tonight’s episode of The Big Bang Theory got off to a rather odd and uncomfortable start: Howard went in for a vasectomy, Sheldon unintentionally referred to wanting to “touch as many children as possible” as the host of a kid’s science show, and Amy was shot down (by Sheldon, ugh) for suggesting the new search for Professor Proton be a female candidate. Yeah, things weren’t off to the greatest of starts in “The Proton Regeneration.” But, as with most classic episodes of The Big Bang Theory, the best moments happen when the characters are faced with real-life issues that challenge the very essence of who they are. It’s not always the most emotional or ground-breaking scenes, but the most truthful.

In tonight’s episode, Howard spent the bulk of it recovering from his surgery. Meanwhile, Bernadette—who was told she was pushing herself too much at her 16-week checkup—was put on bed rest. Ever since Bernadette’s first pregnancy was announced, I’ve been holding out hope for a Sheldon/Halley babysitting scene, but the show actually gave us one better: Penny as the caretaker.

This new development happened by chance: Penny stops by the Wolowitz household to check in on Bernadette and Howard, thinking Raj is already there taking care of baby Halley. But he had to go to work, so Bernadette and Howard are left to do what they can—which isn’t much. When Halley starts crying, Penny offers to go in and check on her, but in what’s possibly the biggest insult since, well, Sheldon’s comments minutes earlier, Bernadette and Howard suggest Stuart might be a better option than Penny.

Now, I get that this is a sitcom, but the fact that this show still plays into the dumb-blonde stereotype with Penny is 10 seasons too late. As we saw last week, if she can handle and manipulate Sheldon, she’s probably the wisest one of the whole group. She’s also not the same character we first met in 2007. She’s a successful pharmaceutical rep, happily married, and an amazing friend to everyone else in their time of need.

When Penny questions why Bernadette and Howard don’t trust her, they hem and haw until Bernadette says, “It’s not that we don’t trust you…you’re just not much of a baby person.” Um, Bernadette wasn’t much of a baby person until she had one of her own either. Sure, Penny might joke that she gave Halley some of her bourbon or that she’ll light some incense if Halley poops, but having the entire gang send Amy over to check in on Penny’s care-taking skills was complete overkill. (I’ll admit, though, that the scene was pretty funny, as with anytime the ladies are together.)

PHOTO: Sonja Flemming/CBS

That’s why what happened at the end of the episode was pure gold: Bernadette and Howard ring the bell to summon Penny, and she chastises them for sending over a spy (Amy) to check in on her. They don’t do a very good job convincing Penny they didn’t mean it negatively, so when Penny leaves the room to check in on a crying Halley, Bernadette feels bad for how she’s treated her friend. Seconds later, Bernadette and Howard feel even more guilty when they overhear Penny on the monitor telling Halley that she’ll never let anything happen to her because she loves her so much. With that, Halley utters her very first word, and it’s directed at Penny: “Mama.”

“You hear that suckers? She called me mama!'” Penny gloats. While it may not undo years of outdated stereotypes and assumptions thrown at Penny, it was definitely a start. Justice for Penny! Keep it coming.

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'Riverdale' Season 2 Episode 4 Recap: The Black Hood Makes an Unexpected Move


Tonight’s Riverdale episode can be described in three words: Calm. Down. Archie. Seriously, homeboy—as Bella Hadid would call him—is pressed. Here’s why (spoilers ahead)…

To start, everyone in Riverdale is freaking out about the Black Hood. Jughead checks out a zillion books about serial killers; Archie’s shooting bullets into trees; and Queen Cheryl Blossom doesn’t travel anywhere without the River Vixens. It’s tense, but also beautiful because everyone in this town is beautiful. Even when they’re shook.

Hermione’s upset about the threatening video Archie and his “Red Circle” made and wants Veronica to dump him because of it. Hiram pretends to side with Hermione even though he’s the one who convinced Archie to make the video in the first place. What’s his angle here? This is only going to make Veronica hate him more—and that’s a feat, seeing as how he was in jail for insider trading (or one of those other rich-dude crimes). Once Veronica leaves the room, he starts cackling like a Disney villain about all the “chaos” happening in Riverdale.

Meanwhile, Alice Cooper rips Betty a new one for helping Polly run away. She starts crying about how she’s scared for her daughters’ safety, and it’s actually pretty moving. Alice is low-key the best character on this show; Betty’s the worst for treating her the way she does. (Betty’s also just kind of the worst in general.)

There’s definitely a common thread happening, because Fred Andrews is also pissed about Archie’s video. Archie says he took the video down but people keep sharing it, which is why it’s still going viral.

Cut to Jughead moping around South Side High. The Serpents are laughing at the Red Circle’s video and decide they should attack Archie. Jughead deters them, though, and says they should go after the Black Hood. But the Serpents don’t take the bait: They actually like the Black Hood because he’s targeting North Siders.

Speaking of the North Side, Veronica flips out when she realizes Hiram was the one who gave Archie the idea for the Red Circle. She confronts Hiram about this and he plays dumb. Again.

The principal kicks Archie off the football team because of the Red Circle and says he’s suspended until he disbands it; Archie’s response is essentially, “LOL, whatevs” because he’s a petulant child who wants to play Scooby Doo.

But then, whoa, whoa, whoa: Betty receives a creepy letter from the Black Hood that says he’s killing everyone for her. Apparently, her speech at the jubilee from last season is his inspiration. He also gives her a cipher detailing where he’ll strike next. On the one hand, this is shocking; on the other, it’s not. The dominant theory for weeks has been that the Black Hood is tied and/or related to Betty.

Stupidly, she decides not to tell her mom or the police about this letter (but she does tell them about the cipher). Kids on teen shows never go to the police!

Also stupid are these Red Circle jocks who think playing football is more important than catching a serial killer. They want Archie to give into the principal’s demands, but he refuses and instead suggests they “make their presence known” on the South Side (where the Black Hood presumably lives). The guys say no and quit the Red Circle, which is probably the right move. Why would you ever follow clueless Archie?

Ugh, and now we’re back to Jughead: He ignores a call from Betty to hep Toni Topaz and her pink hair solve the Black Hood’s cipher. Betty’s low-key pissed when she finds out about this and suggests she and Kevin join them for a “code-breaking party.” LOL, these teens are so lame.

Naturally, Toni’s shady as hell to Betty at this “party.” She says Betty should “loosen her ponytail” in order to open her mind, and Kevin snaps back with perhaps my favorite line in Riverdale history: “Betty’s ponytail is iconic and beyond reproach.” I want a spinoff starring Cheryl and Kevin.

Yikes, Betty and Toni get in a nasty spat about “North Side privilege.” Toni accuses Betty of hating the Serpents and thinking the Black Hood is one; she denies this, but then is visibly upset when Toni tells her Jughead’s been secretly eating lunch with the Serpents for weeks. He tries to explain it, but Betty just brushes him aside and keeps deciphering the code. Bughead is on thin ice!

PHOTO: The CW

Veronica’s pissed, too, at her dad for playing “mind games” with Archie—so she decides to help him expand the Red Circle. Archie uses a fake ID to buy a huge gun. Is he seriously going to…attack this masked serial killer himself?

Update: Veronica essentially convinces every student at Riverdale High to join the Red Circle. She even buys them all T-shirts! Archie’s in shock, but hopefully this means he’ll throw away his damn gun.

Later that night, rich, white, spoiled Archie travels to the South Side of town and starts spray-painting red circles on old buildings. The Serpents who wanted to attack Archie confront him about this, but he just puffs out his chest and tells them to go away. One of the Serpents points a knife at Archie, and he retaliates by sticking a gun in their faces. He’s truly off the rails.

And the hits just keep on coming: Sheriff Keller and the Riverdale High principal search Archie’s locker for a gun and find a black hood in it. Apparently, it’s Reggie’s, from the night he tried to scare Archie. Fred is, understandably, upset by this, and Hermione uses this as more fuel for her “Veronica, dump Archie” campaign.

Jughead finds the letter the Black Hood wrote and confronts Betty about it. She’s still reeling from the fact the Black Hood said her speech at the jubilee inspired his killings, which is why she’s kept mum. She’s also afraid Archie will blame her for Fred’s shooting, which would be insane but plausible given how ridiculous Archie is this season.

Remember that gun Sheriff Keller searched Archie’s locker for? It turns out Archie was hiding it in a toilet in one of the boys’ bathrooms. He makes Veronica go get it for him, which is, honestly, grounds for a breakup. Archie is a paranoid mess this season who makes his girlfriend stick her hands in a toilet! His abs aren’t worth this torture.

Archie says he literally wants to kill the Black Hood, which is not at all surprising but still psychotic. Veronica, clearly sensing Archie coming unhinged, threw his gun into Sweetwater River minutes before learning this.

Archie didn’t tell the principal the black hood found in his locker was Reggie’s; because of this, the dumb Red Circle jocks reassemble and pledge allegiance to the cause. And this couldn’t have happened at a better time: Immediately after, the South Side Serpents come to Archie’s house looking to throw down. (I get why they’re pissed, too. Archie waved a gun in their faces!)

They actually decide to have an organized fight with no weapons. In the soaking rain. Toxic masculinity, my friends. When things got too violent—one of the Riverdale guys was stabbed in the knee—Veronica interferes by shooting a gun in the air. Archie’s gun. Looks like she didn’t toss that thing in Sweetwater River, after all.

"Chapter Seventeen: The Town that Dreaded Sundown"

PHOTO: The CW

As this is happening, Jughead and Betty think they’ve cracked the Black Hood’s cipher. He’s using codes from a Nancy Drew book Betty loved as a kid to spell out, “I will strike next where it all began.” He’s obviously talking about where Betty’s jubilee speech took place: the town hall.

The same town hall that all the Riverdale adults are at right now debating—you guessed it—the Black Hood. Alice and Fred are quarreling about the source of the town’s issue. (Alice thinks it’s the South Side; he thinks it’s the Black Hood.) Hiram and Hermione say some sketchy shit about how they “knew” Fred was going to be a “problem,” which makes me think they have something to do with the Black Hood. The Lodges are sociopaths!

Jughead and Betty storm in and tell everyone to leave because the Black Hood is striking there next. Betty eventually comes clean to her parents about the letter the Black Hood wrote to her.

Veronica goes from mending Archie’s “fight wounds ” (LOL) to jumping his bones in point-five seconds. Ultimately, they decide to chuck the gun into Sweetwater River, but this buildup makes it obvious we haven’t seen the last of it.

OH MY GOD: We end things with Betty receiving a call from the Black Hood…but the episode cuts out before we hear anything more than “hello.” Bahhh! Prediction: The call is coming from inside the house! (Read: It’s her dad.)

Parting thoughts: This is some Pretty Little Liars shit.



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'This Is Us' Season 2 Episode 6 Recap: The Pearson Three Are the Same Hot Messes in Their 20s


Tonight’s This Is Us showed the Pearson Three in a brand-new decade, but spoiler alert: They’re still the same hot messes. Just younger! And with less facial hair! Here’s what happened…

First, we start off with the three in their younger years: Halloween is approaching, and Rebecca is busy making costumes for her ungrateful kids. Well, except Randall. Randall’s not ungrateful. Kate, on other hand, straight-up says she doesn’t want to be a veterinarian after Rebecca spent God knows how long making the costume. She now wants to go as Sandy from Grease, and Jack volunteers Rebecca to make her costume at the last minute.

Naturally, Rebecca’s pissed about this and tells Jack he has to stop saying yes to everything Kate wants. Jack retorts by saying Rebecca is just as easy on Randall. They go back and forth for a few more annoying seconds before Rebecca says Jack is setting Kate up to be miserable in her 20s—which leads us to…

The Pearson kids! In their 20s! Well, their late 20s, which are far less reckless and irresponsible than your early 20s. It’s October 2008, which puts the Pearson Three at 28, if my my math is correct.

20s Kate

Kate has instantly-iconic bangs and is working as a waitress in a restaurant. She’s insanely thirsty for a bearded, plaid-clad patron with a nice smile. Kate asks him if he’s trick-or-treating tonight, which is weird because he’s a grown-ass man. He says he’s going to a bar with friends for Halloween; she has class, so she can’t join him. It’s clear he wants her to, though—or so it seems.

As luck would have it, Kate’s class is canceled that night, so she decides to surprise Plaid Guy at the bar. But things turn awkward: He jumps up from his table immediately and runs over to her before she can meet his friends. He says he’s “just about to leave” the bar and asks if they can go some place more quiet. She agrees, but not before noticing Plaid Guy’s friends smirking in her direction. Oh no.

They go back to Kate’s place, have sex, and Plaid Guy quickly gets out of bed and says he has to leave. It turns out he’s married, which is why he panicked when she came to the bar. Kate says she knew this and slept with him hoping things would “feel right” afterwards. But they didn’t. Plaid Guy sucks and should never return.

20s Randall

Beth is pregnant, and her due date is the next day. Randall has no facial hair and is pissed about a ceiling fan in his nursery not working (in other words, the same but less hair). It seems like Randall had one of his panic attacks a few months ago, because he keeps saying how he doesn’t want Beth to worry about him. But that’s a little hard not to do when he’s having a full-blown conniption over an effing fan.

Rebecca comes to town for Beth’s delivery. She expresses concern that Randall might have another panic attack, which he overhears. It’s sad, sure, but I can’t stop looking at Rebecca’ middle-part wig.

They have a long chat about Randall’s episode from two months before. Rebecca then awkwardly pivots and asks Beth to help her set up a Facebook account because, remember, Facebook was the thing in 2008.

Randall opens up to a random store clerk about the mental breakdown he had. The root of his anxiety is the fact Beth has a baby on the way; he’s completely petrified about being a father, and the store clerk offers some warm but generic advice about how babies have all the answers. It’s sweet—not counting the fact Randall made a racially insensitive remark about the store clerk’s turban. (What the hell was that?)

Surprise, surprise: Beth goes into labor literally right after this. An ambulance can’t get to the house in time, so Randall, after assuring Beth he won’t have another panic attack, delivers the baby on their living room floor. Rebecca says it’s one of the happiest moments of her life, but it’s also somewhat sad because Jack isn’t there. Insert obligatory Randall-and-Beth feels.

Rebecca uploads a photo of Beth and Randall’s newborn to her Facebook account and almost immediately receives a message from Miguel. Yes, that Miguel—the Miguel Rebecca eventually marries. Now we know how their whirlwind romance began: He slid into her DMs.

20s Kevin

Kevin’s washing hair at a salon and permanently “waiting for pilot season to start.” His roommate just booked a Kevin Spacey movie—which is a problematic thing to be excited about, given recent events—and invites our Kevin to a private party with the director and cast. Kevin’s clearly jealous and upset but agrees to go anyway.

I’m immediately over this party. It’s full of pretentious Hollywood cardboard cut-outs drinking and cackling at nothing. Kevin’s roommate introduces him to the director of the Spacey film, who gives him a terse, snub-ish hello and moves on. Rude. Doesn’t he know he’s talking to the future Manny?!

Actually, wait, Kevin’s the one who’s rude here. He backs the Spacey director into a corner and implies he’s a better fit for the role his roommate snagged. He says the character is written as an “all-American handsome” guy and that his roommate is a “character” actor (read: ugly). What a snake! I hate Kevin in every decade! The director walks away and says he’ll never hire Kevin for a project after this encounter. Thank God! Relegate his (fine) behind to The Manny!

Kevin and Kate have an emotional heart to heart after Beth gives birth where they essentially admit to failing their 20s. It’s endearing and relatable and one of the best scenes between Chrissy Metz and Justin Hartley in This Is Us history. It ends with Kate moving to Los Angeles to live with Kevin.

This episode wasn’t just during the kids’ 20s, though. Here’s what happened during the super flashbacks:

The ’90s:

Rebecca and Jack are going as Sonny and Cher for Halloween, which is the second Kardashian parallel to happen on this show. (Kim Kardashian and Jonathan Cheban went as Sonny and Cher this year, too. How the hell does Kris Jenner do this shit?)

Randall’s dressed as Michael Jackson, Kate’s Sandy from Grease, and Kevin’s a random dude with five o’clock shadow. Randall, the genius he is, made a map outlining the best houses to hit for trick-or-treating, which Kate and Kevin (of course) don’t appreciate. They don’t want to use Randall’s map, so Jack takes them trick-or-treating separately while Rebecca takes Randall alone. Jack scolds Rebecca for giving into Randall’s “rigid” demands, but she contends he’s just anxious. This is obviously foreshadowing for Randall’s type-A panic attacks.

Child Kate has a crush on a boy named Billy Palmer, and she wants to ask him to go through the neighborhood haunted house with her. Kevin, as per usual, is a grade-A asshole about this and says Billy is “just as popular” as he is and that there’s “no way” he’ll hold Kate’s hand. He’s so terrible; let’s vote him off the island. Fast-forward a few hours later: Billy does hold Kate’s hand in the haunted house, but only because Kevin gave him all his Halloween candy to do it. Kate doesn’t know this. Damn, I’m crying.

Rebecca tries to get Randall to divert from his map for five seconds, and he has a full meltdown about it. This leads to them having an uncomfortably emotional conversation about why Randall was adopted in the first place. I hate that Randall has to deal with the most trauma despite being the best child. His life should be all candy and rainbows and trick-or-treating maps, but nope: This show makes him sad all the time.

Parting thoughts: I hope Kevin’s roommate is now a huge movie star and hate-watches old episodes of The Manny.

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