Well, well, well. It seems Taylor Swift‘s famed squad has just gained a new member: Cazzie David, writer, daughter of Larry David, ex of Pete Davidson, and all-around cool girl. The news of David’s addition to the friend group comes from Swift herself, via an Instagram she posted today, January 10, of her, David, and squad alum Selena Gomez smiling and wearing excellent lip colors. It’s captioned, “20wineteen,” which is a very 2019 mood.
Take a look at the photo for yourself, below:
Just putting it out into the universe: I’d like an invite to the next meet-up, please. I can’t relate to these three over the stress of dealing with a public breakup or how to slip past paparazzi in a suitcase, but I do like wine and puns! That must count for something, right? Right?!
Regardless, I am glad Swift is back to throwing her infamous squad parties. The singer’s social media output slowed down over the past year—just images from the Reputation tour and not much else—but now she’s returned to giving the people what they want: photos of her hanging out with her famous friends. Most recently, she shared some snaps from her New Year’s Eve party, which was attended by the likes of Blake Lively and Gigi Hadid. Everyone dressed up as their “childhood heroes”; for Swift, that meant a full Little Mermaid costume so elaborate it sparked rumors that her next album will be about mermaids.
We’ll have to wait and see whether that theory is true or not—so until then, we’ll be here waiting for more squad pics please and thanks.
Here’s a question: have you ever left the salon after a haircut and thought to yourself “why would they do this to me?” If you’ve had at least one haircut in your life the answer is surely an unequivocal ‘yes.’ What I’ve come to realize is that death and taxes are not the only two things you can count on in life. There’s a third, which is you will come upon a hairstylist who will downright ignore your instructions and do whatever the hell they want.
Why is this? Do they think it’s their hair they’re cutting? They have one simple job and it’s to follow the wishes of the person who has to live with the results. The long and short of it is I cannot think of anyone I know who hasn’t been victimized by a hairstylist.
I say all this because a few weeks ago, my hair had grown to a point where it made me slightly uncomfortable. It had been six months since I’d last had it cut and I was starting to look straggly and witch-like. I asked my very chic cousin if she thought I needed a trim and she said “you could?” which to me translated to, “you look like a witch, get it cut.” Upon reflection, I now realize that my hair at the time was not witch-like, but more mermaid-like. It was beautiful and everything I had ever wanted.
PHOTO: Cazzie David
A mermaid.
I went into my haircut appointment confident I wouldn’t be screwed over. My hair was long enough that even if my stylist were to cut a little more than the amount I requested, (I’m not naïve; I assumed they would), it’d remain long. Still, I made sure to make my directions clear: After she washed my hair, led me to the styling chair, and threw the nylon cape around me, I said in my most serious tone and with the gravest of looks, “Give me the smallest trim you have ever given in your entire life.”
Easy, right? No way to misinterpret that? She laughed it off and told me she understood. But just to make absolutely sure, I reemphasized, “No, I’m serious.” Once again, she assured me not to worry. And even though there was no reason for me to really trust her, she said it with such certitude that it made me reluctant to ever mention it again lest I get on her creative nerves.
I couldn’t see what she was doing back there, but after I heard the scissor cut across my hair a mere two times, I knew I was in trouble. Once again I was overcome with that helpless, sinking, out of control feeling that my directions went unheeded and disastrous consequences awaited. It was too late to say anything, but even if it wasn’t, I was too uncomfortable and timid to interject.
So I sat there silently, staring at the ground, watching sentimental pieces of my hair that took months to grow out from the last traumatizing haircut, fall to the ground. Meanwhile, she chatted away like all was right with the world, while mine was falling apart. It’s almost like she was trying to distract me with her talking so I didn’t realize what she was doing.
PHOTO: Cazzie David
This haircut has since been rectified.
When she finished, she spun me around to have a look at her handiwork, I wasn’t the least bit surprised by what I saw. It’s what I deserved for being stupid enough to get my hair cut in the first place. My mermaid locks were gone, dead, a thing of the past. In its place was a near lob with one long strand on each side of the front that she either forgot to cut or sincerely believed could pass as layers. Maybe she wanted me to have two pieces of long hair to remember how good it used to look? Or so I’d have a lasting reminder to never get another haircut for as long as I shall live. I don’t know. I literally could not tell you, but it seems like the mantra of most hairstylists is “What’s this, hair? You don’t need it! I’m going to chop it all off and have you leave here crying.”
A bad haircut has the potential to affect everything: the way you feel about yourself, what you look like in clothes, how others see you, how you look in pictures, how big your nose looks. I felt like I just had surgery and it would take six months for me to be myself again. And of course, like with every other bad haircut, when she asked me what I thought I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. All I could muster was a weak and squeaky, “I love it.” Better to walk around with a hideous haircut than hurt the poor woman’s feelings. Also why even bother? Nothing can be done about it. Other things can be repaired—toilets, cars, teeth, but not hair. You can only wait at a snail’s pace for growth.
In no other profession does someone ignore the wishes of the client like this one. Take lawyers. Lawyers will often disagree with a client but in the end they’re still all, “Okay if that’s what you want.” Even in the case of a doctor, when you’re opting not to get a surgery that could save your life, they’ll still say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, but it’s your choice!”
Perhaps hairstylists want to make the haircut drastic enough on the off chance that someone notices, likes it, and wants to know who did it. Maybe they think of it as their own personal walking advertisement. And if they gave you the little trim you wanted, no one would notice their “artistry.” Just a theory.
I don’t know what the solution is. Maybe all haircuts could be done in stages to avoid anxiety and trauma. After each inch they could spin you around and ask for a green light to proceed, as opposed to waiting until the very end when you have no choice, and they’ve ruined your life. Or maybe you just have to manipulate them. With lies. Lie your ass off. If you want a bob, say you want your hair to reach your nipple. If you want it to your collarbone, say you just want to cut your split ends. Next time I’m going to treat my hairstylist like that one friend I have who’s late all the time: by telling them the reservation is fifteen minutes earlier than it is. But in this case, I’ll make it an hour.
Two beautiful people, a spontaneous six-week courtship, that massive diamond, and millions of viewers across America—Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson did The Bachelor better than ABC ever could.
Who cares if the romance lasts? Not me. In the less than two months since the couple forwent their individual rooms (and moved in together), the duo has gotten multiple tribute tattoos, posted several viral Instagrams, and given us the internet sensation that is BDE.
As for the rush, who knows. The world is on fire. We could die tomorrow. Ariana Grande has a new album to sell. Pete Davidson probably just wants us to smile more. If it’s a stunt, fine—but it feels good. All I want now is for the nuptials to be televised.
While I wait for that, I’d like to turn our collective attention to what happens after the final rose; conventional #BachNation wisdom has it that the new Bachelorette be chosen from the previous show. The pool thus narrowed, the real selection process kicks off: The Bachelorette needs tousled waves, a good attitude, and white teeth. She must be pleasant, but with some lovable dint or quirk. She’s a “goofball” or she’s “competitive” or she loves beer. She has oversize flannel button-downs. She looks stupendous in sequins.
What the Bachelorette needs to be above all is a woman the audience wants to root for—pitiable, but not pathetic. Wounded, but not broken. Chill. A catch. A babe.
So, a proposal: If the Bachelorette is a scorned lover with some wit and nice hair, let’s give Cazzie David the job.
A David-led season is the reprieve this tainted franchise needs to survive. She’s certified hilarious. She has great brows. Last month, she claimed she’d become a “human bottle of wine,” a feat which would well serve the drunken antics and general suspension of common sense that the show demands. Andrew Firestone could boast of his tire fortune, sure. And Lorenzo Borghese was a “prince.” But David is a genuine comedic heiress. A hometown date with Larry David? The fact that an event so ripe for ridicule hasn’t been an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm until now is criminal.
Plus, the timeline fits. Davidson and David broke up less than 12 weeks ago. (So the heartbreak is fresh, which we know is how ABC likes it.) Some 100 hours later, news spread that he’d moved on with Grande. Soon, he’d covered up a tattoo of David’s face and announced his plans to wed.
And though David wouldn’t choose her suitors, I feel certain her involvement would lead to a better slate of candidates. She once wore Rachel Green’s face on a shirt—and she looked good.
Go ahead and tell me it’ll never happen. That David is too cool. That she’ll meet someone on Tinder for celebrities or have her pal Lorde fix her up with a New Zealander and be just fine. I beg to differ. Cazzie David is a person whose ex has vowed eternal devotion to a ponytail icon in less time than it’s taken me to return all the J.Crew swimsuits I ordered this summer.
Cazzie David wants the roses.
She wants the one-on-ones and the cocktail parties, and here is the evidence.
Her most recent Instagram features a miniscule red bikini, waves that plead for a Pantene Pro-V sponsorship, an even tan, and the ultimate tell—an open (color-coordinated) sleeve of Haribo gummies. It screams, “I’m hot, but I love artificial food colors.” Or perhaps, “Behold, the revenge bod that red wine and fructose built.” It’s a billboard, and it declares, “I have that BDE too.”
Love her, but Becca Kufrin could never.
What I mean is: Chris Harrison, please call me. I need a cut of this deal.
Amber Tamblyn is among the many women in Hollywood leading the Time’s Up and #MeToo movements that are changing the cultural conversation around sexual harassment and assault. But she’s also putting in the work at home: In a new interview with NPR, she explained that she’s been having educational conversations with men in her life, including husband David Cross.
Cross, ICYMI, has come under quite a bit of flak in past months for allegedly making racist comments to comedian Charlyne Yi—and with that, Tamblyn was dragged into the fray as well, leading her to eventually reply, “He said he was sorry, publicly, several times. Please don’t @ me in conversations dragging my husband. Thanks.”
In May, Cross again came under fire for talking over Arrested Development star Jessica Walters during a cast panel, seemingly downplaying her when she talked about how Jeffrey Tambor had lashed out at her. “You know, one thing that Jeffrey has said a number of times that I think is important, that you don’t often hear from somebody in his position, is that he learned from the experience and he’s listening and learning and growing. That’s important to remember,” Cross said at the time.
Tamblyn, in her response, made it clear she was handing the situation at home. “I corresponded with Jessica. Just because I’m publicly silent on shit doesn’t mean I’m not privately handling shit. Now that you’re updated on what I do behind the scenes, Twitter, keep my fucking name out of your @. Feel me? Have a great Memorial Day,” she tweeted.
In the interview with NPR, she revealed a little bit about how her work leading the movement has impacted their relationship—and his behavior.
“Believe me, his eyes are open to that now, if they weren’t before,” Tamblyn said. “And this is what it took to have that change. Some men don’t change. The thing I can say about David, that I love so much about him, is that he changes. And part of his introspection and his sensitivity is that he’s aware of that… it’s just a continual sense of getting them to open their eyes and getting them to see either how they’re helping or they’re not helping.”
“I helped him to see,” she continued. “That’s the best thing that you could do. And you know that was really difficult for our family. We got death threats. … And women were coming after me and telling me ‘Oh you can’t be the head of a movement and not speak to this.'”
Tamblyn also reaffirmed her right to have a private life with her husband out of the public eye (and Twitter), before saying that she realizes that the conversations she’s having with Cross are ones many other women in America are navigating with their partners.
“I really hold a strong boundary with this and believe I’ve earned the right to privacy,” she said. “And if you care about my voice and what I have to say at all … and you think you know me, then you better assume that I’m having really difficult conversations with my husband about it. Just like all women are.”
Expect more of these convos from Tamblyn: Her new novel, Any Man, is about a woman who’s a serial rapist—and it’s already spurring discussions about how society looks at sexual assault.
Tina Fey is no stranger to making waves in roles where women are incredibly underrepresented: She was the first female head writer on Saturday Night Live. She was the creator of—and writer for—30 Rock and a co-creator and writer for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Most recently, she’s shown off her talent by rewriting Mean Girls for Broadway (which racked up 12 Tony nominations on Thursday).
So you’d think she’d have a lot to talk about with David Letterman on his new Netflix show, My Next Guest Needs No Introduction. And she did—although it might not have been what he was expecting. Fey’s spoken about the importance of diversity in the writers’ room before, recently in Variety‘s April “Power of Women” issue. Meanwhile, late-night comedy shows—like Letterman’s old Late Show—still are notorious for being a boys club. Although women are beginning to pave the way for other aspiring female comedians and hosts like Samantha Bee and, most recently, Busy Philipps, gender inequality still prevails in the writers room and in front of the camera.
So when Letterman attempted to explain why he’d had few women employed as writers, Fey put him squarely in his place.
“I didn’t know why there weren’t women writers. There was no policy against women writers,” Letterman, who passed the late-night baton off to Stephen Colbert in 2015, told Fey. “I always thought, ‘Well, geez, if I was a woman I don’t know if I would want to write on my nickel-and-dime, dog-and-pony show anyway because we’re on at 12:30.’”
Thankfully, Fey didn’t let that response slide: “Yeah, we did want to write on it, though,” Fey said.
Fey’s blunt response prompted Letterman to apologize: “But that is my ignorance, and I feel bad for that,” he said. “And it’s changing, has changed.”
But Nell Scovell, who made history as the first female writer on the Late Show in the early ‘90s until leaving in 2009, pointed out on Twitter that things have remained mostly the same for Letterman.
“Meanwhile, on Dave’s new Netflix show, there are 5 Executive Producers and ALL are male,” she wrote. ‘It has changed’ but not on Dave’s shows.”
On Jan. 12, a video hit social media that appeared to be from a forthcoming Friends reunion film titled, what else, “Friends: The Movie.” The trailer was a tear-jerker, to say the least, and quickly went viral. After all, who hasn’t wondered what Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel have been up to over the last 14 years?
As the video, which has racked up 9 million views since its posting, described, the film is “a continuation and finale to the hit TV series Friends. This picks up a few years where the final season left off with Ben and Emma grown up. Mike and Phoebe have trouble with marriage, Monica and Chandler are getting a divorce, Joey couldn’t find someone, and Ross and Rachel have trouble after many years of not being together!”
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A dream come true for ’90s kids everywhere, right? Sadly, the trailer is just a fake, created by a clever mix of the Friends actors’ recent TV and movie appearances. Still, both Ross Geller and Phoebe Buffay themselves are here to set the record straight.
During a recent interview on Meghan Kelly Today, David Schwimmer said, “I doubt it—I really doubt it,” about the potential for a Friends reunion ever happening. “Look, the thing is, I just don’t know if I want to see all of us with crutches [and] walkers,” he added. And during an appearance on Conan, Lisa Kudrow added that a show about 50-somethings with the same problems as their 20-something characters would just be “sad.”
“They’re rebooting everything,” the actress said with a laugh. “I don’t know how that works with Friends, though. That was about people in their 20s, 30s. The show isn’t about people in their 40s, 50s. And if we have the same problems, that’s just sad.”
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While the group may never return to television together, you can rest assured the cast does remain friendly in real life. As Kudrow told the Today Show in 2017, “We have convened, privately, for dinner, and it was great.”
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