Before we begin our recap of tonight’s The Bachelor episode, I ask for your patience if my thoughts seem scattered. You see, I just learned that Hot Peter will not be joining The Bachelor Winter Games—even though Mike Fleiss promised he would—and I’m still shook. I’ll rise above it, but barely.
But let’s move on (and consider this your spoiler warning): The episode starts with Arie rolling up to the mansion on a motorcycle while the girls sit around and chat about how attracted they are to him. Excellent performances, all—I consider your lack of Golden Globes to be a snub. Chris Harrison shows up and tells the women, “The hope is that just one of you will become Arie’s wife.” The way he pauses, it makes me wonder…is there a chance…that…multiple women could become Arie’s wives? I certainly hope not, but with this show you never really know.
Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date, and it’s starting ASAP. She doesn’t even have time to go wash her face because Arie is here with his motorcycle jacket and bland face, and they’re off! The women all come outside to wave goodbye, but I would totally be the one to use that opportunity to run for the showers. I can’t imagine hot water lasts very long when you have 20+ women bunking up.
Arie brings Becca K. to a house filled with lobster tails and a chocolate fountain. This is already my idea of a dream date (just replace Arie with Oscar Isaac). It gets better: Rachel Zoe is there to style her, and Becca gets to pick something “special” to wear later. Arie says he’ll leave them to it and heads to the other room. A date that includes alone time? Wow, the thrills keep on comin’. After Becca’s tried everything on, Arie reveals she can keep it all (!!!). She swoons. I get it.
The gifts aren’t over yet, though: Arie presents her with sparkly Louboutin heels. Damn. OK, I see your game here, ABC. You needed to sell Arie to me, and you’ve won me over with shoes and light bites. Ugh, I’m so predictable.
“Your eyes, like, suck people in…I think.” — Becca K., so romantic
A mysterious man appears and says Neil Lane sends his regards. Wait, she’s getting jewels too?!? Unreal. To go with her outfit, Becca K. is given a diamond necklace and earrings to wear. She and Arie kiss because this dude just threw thousands of dollars of merch at her. “The girls didn’t lie when they said he has pillow lips,” Becca declares.
After, Becca goes back to the mansion with her shopping bags in hand and new shoes on her feet. The women literally start chugging rosé they are so jealous, and Bibiana cries when she sees the beautiful shoes. “Oh my God, they’re going to get married,” she wails. Um, there’s still weeks and weeks of this show to go. I don’t think Arie’s made up his mind just because Becca wears a sample size. Well, then again, this is Arie.
After the commercial break, Becca and Arie begin the “sit and pretend to eat” portion of the date. Over candlelight, they discuss cars (of course), Arie’s time on The Bachelorette, his gray hair, and Becca’s former relationship. She shares a sad story about her father’s death, and Arie responds with vague statements like, “Family’s important.” He then gives her the rose and reveals she gets to keep the effing Neil Lane diamond earrings. God, this girl lucked the fuck out. They kiss and whisper into each others’ mouths, “I like kissing you.”
Back at the mansion, Krystal receives the next one-on-one date card. She gets serious death stares, and I recommend she cleanses that house with sage, stat. For her one-on-one date, Arie is taking Krystal to his hometown of Scottsdale, Arizona. We see all the sights: the Pizza Hut where Arie worked, the tree where he had his first kiss, and his high school. He makes a point of calling out where “the art nerds were,” so that’s the kind of guy Arie is. Then Arie takes Krystal to his house, and she already starts thinking what it’d be like to move in. They look at family photo albums, and he opens up about how his grandfather was his role model because he was a “total man’s man.” I’ll refrain from a long discussion on toxic masculinity, but I will say this: Arie, we all know the cars are compensating for something. We. All. Know. The trip to Scottsdale ends with Krystal meeting his entire family. I’m sure they were thinking, “WTF,” but they hid it well.
We check back in with the women at the mansion: The next day will bring a group date with Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah M., Jenny, Seinne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, and Chelsea.
“I’m trying to be cool and, like, impress you a little bit,” – Arie
revealing his hand
Krystal and Arie’s date continues with a non-meal in Los Angeles. She reveals that her parents divorced when she was young. “I just really felt like my parents didn’t want me,” she explains. Because of this, growing up was hard. She shares a moving story about how she saved up all her money when she was young to buy a comforter because her mom couldn’t. She also ended up being the caretaker for her little brother. But for the past several months, he’s been living on the streets and refuses her help. Naturally, it breaks Krystal’s heart. Arie dries her tears and says “it’s not your fault.” He gives her the rose, she accepts, and they have a teary make out. From there, they get a private concert from Connor Duermit. Who is this man? According to Google, he’s a self-described “pop-soul” singer. I don’t know if that clears it up, but, eh, there have been worse performers on this show.
The next morning, Krystal recaps her date for the gals…well, kind of. She plays coy, and everyone calls her out for being vague.
“When you’re like that, you seem shady.” – Bibiana
They don’t have long to be mad, though: It’s time for the group date. Arie drives up and does some spins. (My God, can we have one episode without cars or racing?) The challenge today is demolition derby: If your car stops running, you are out. Tia’s excited because “people in Arkansas actually do this. Like, for fun.” Before the derby begins, the women decorate their cars with spray paint. Some fun slogans are added to the cars, including my personal favorite: “Look alive, bitches.”
But not everybody is having fun. Annaliese is crying because she had a “traumatic” experience with bumper cars as a kid. “I just remember being so alone and so scared,” she says. Nobody seems to have much sympathy for poor Annaliese, though. There are a lot of eye rolls and complaints that her tears gave her more alone time with Arie, who came over to comfort her. Jenny in particular is ruthless.
“Give her further trauma.” – Jenny
Once the derby begins, Annaliese manages to overcome her tears long enough to t-bone Chelsea’s car. So this is what it takes to finally make her smile. Bibiana is declared a “monster” by Chris Harrison. As more and more cars crash I think to myself, “This looks fun.” At first, it seems like Brittany will win, but Seinne ends up the champion. She wins a trophy, milk (this is a tradition apparently?), and alone time with Arie. I’d just take the milk, TBH.
Following a quick change into cocktail dresses, the group date after party begins. Chelsea grabs Arie immediately for alone time; the others seem surprised about this, but this is Chelsea’s M.O. Once she has Arie to herself, Chelsea reveals that she has a son. He says he’s totally open to it, and they make out HARD. Next, Arie talks to Seinne. He’s very shocked that she went to Yale and immediately recognizes that she’s out of his league. They kiss.
“I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut.” – Arie
By the end of the night, Bibiana is cranky as hell and refusing to talk to Arie. She’s tired, annoyed with everyone around her, and ready to call it a night so she storms off and slams a door. Been there, done that. It’s like holding a mirror up to myself! Meanwhile, Bekah delivers the smoothest line I’ve seen. She straight-up asks Arie, “Wanna kiss?” They make out for a while, but it’s Seinne who ultimately gets the group date rose.
With two-thirds of the episode over, it’s time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour to begin. Arie makes a little award for Brittany for being the “most hardcore.” Even though this was obviously a producer’s idea, it’s charming. Bekah and Arie sneak off to make out. She’s waring a fabulous fur coat, and I think I love her.
Tonight’s drama will clearly revolve around Krystal, who pisses everyone off because she talks to Arie twice in the night. This honestly might throw Bibiana over the edge. She goes off on Krystal for interrupting her time with Arie while the other women snicker in the background. Krystal doesn’t seem too worried about it, though. After all, she’s the one with a rose.
And with that, the rose ceremony begins: Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Tia, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, and Bibiana are all here to stay another week.
Jenny takes the breakup hard. “I’m not sad about you, I’m sad about leaving my friends,” she tells Arie. Wow, what delightful shade. “He literally picked a taxidermist over me,” she grouses as she heads off into the night. Mic drop.
Next week: Tears! And this quote, “I’m going to kill Krystal.”
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