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Issa Rae and Melina Matsoukas on Race, Sex, and Season 2 of 'Insecure'


Last July, I screened the pilot of Insecure, the HBO comedy about two best friends, Issa and Molly, who are unsettled and on the cusp of 30. In that episode Issa takes Molly, who’s crying “tears of singleness,” to an open mic night to cheer her up—and proceeds to take the stage and perform a freestyle rap called “Broken Pussy,” based on Molly’s inability to keep a dude. It kills. Like Molly, I was in my late twenties and aggressively single at the time, and I laugh-cried on my couch…alone…on a Saturday night watching the scene. The girls are real, the writing is sharp, the jokes land, and the look is lush.

So who’s behind all that magic? Issa Rae (who made a name for herself on YouTube with The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl) cocreated the show with Larry Wilmore and sold it to HBO when she was just 28. Rae—who writes, stars in, and produces—then tapped fellow TV first-timer Melina Matsoukas, known for music videos like Rihanna’s “We Found Love,” to direct and later produce. (You can also thank Matsoukas for directing Beyoncé’s “Formation” video.) Together these two revolutionaries and fast friends have told a new kind of story about female identity and black female identity.

Now the series—which earned Rae her first Golden Globe nod last winter—is wrapping up its second season. Fresh off a life-changing breakup, Issa (Rae) is running her vibrator out of batteries; meanwhile, power lawyer Molly (Yvonne Orji) sees her world turned upside down after she opens a male colleague’s massive check by accident. Their friendship? It’s what’s holding them together.

As for Rae and Matsoukas, they’re as unstoppable as ever.

These Girls

“There was a familiarity between us: ‘I don’t know you, but I know you,’ ” Rae says of meeting Matsoukas.

Photograph by Bec Lorrimer Stylist: Deborah Afshani

GLAMOUR: How did this friendship, and partnership, come to be?

ISSA RAE: I started out as a fan, watching Melina’s music videos. I put her name on the list for the show early on, and because of her nonexperience in TV, it was kind of overlooked. Until it wasn’t, and HBO was like, “Yo, you wanna take a risk? Who you want?”

MELINA MATSOUKAS: I remember our first Skype call was terrible. But two days later we were in a room, and we spoke the same language. We’re both black women navigating the world, having to code-switch and figure out how and where we fit in.

ISSA: There was a familiarity, “I don’t know you, but I know you.” After I left that meeting with Melina, I danced in the elevator.

MELINA: I remember going to HBO, and the president at the time was like, “We don’t normally do this.” Meaning: give a first-time creator, a first-time director, and a first-time showrunner [Prentice Penny] an opportunity to do it together. “But let’s do it.” It was because of Issa that I was even in that room. She’s paving the way for young female filmmakers and filmmakers of color.

ISSA: Then we went to sushi—

MELINA: She got me drunk. And wrote all my stories into seasons one and two!

ISSA: You’re such a liar! I’d never really gotten a chance to work with someone who challenges while being collaborative. Especially being a woman of color, sometimes it’s hard for us to put our foot down. You work with a lot of men, and they’ll be like, “She has the reputation for being kind of a [makes a disapproving noise].” Melina knows what she wants and has an excellent reputation.

MELINA: Issa is redefining the black female identity on television. I don’t think we’ve ever seen a more basic character than Issa Dee. As black women, we can never just be regular—have flaws, be vulnerable, be a hypocrite, whatever. She’s shown us that person; I don’t know if we have seen that on television before.

GLAMOUR: Let’s talk about season two: Molly and Issa’s relationship is really the relationship. Were there any tropes about female friendships, or about black female friendships, that you were trying to disrupt with the show?

ISSA: In a lot of the shows that I’m still a fan of, like Love & Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, and The Real Housewives, there’s a lot of tension between women of color. We live off the drama and the fights, but that’s not all female friendships.

MELINA: We’re also showing that your soulmate is sometimes your best friend. That your female friendships can be just as fulfilling as [romantic] relationships, if not more.

GLAMOUR: This season Molly opens her white colleague’s check by accident and sees that he’s getting this jaw-dropping amount of money. Why did you want to dig into the issue of pay equity?

ISSA: It’s just something that’s real: Women are paid less than men, despite the fact that that’s illegal. Black women, specifically, are paid less than white women. It’s something that we wanted to address: She is great at her job, so why would they undervalue her?

GLAMOUR: Another moment I loved: Issa starts using her vibrator, then it dies. That scene is cool because it shows raw female desire. She runs around the apartment looking for batteries so she can pleasure herself; she wasn’t running around to get a condom so she could have sex with a guy. How did that scene come about?

ISSA: In the [writers’] room we were talking about what it feels like to be thirsty and how we don’t really get to see female characters masturbate. Even in a funny way. Especially black women! So we wanted to portray that, while remaining true to our show and showing sexual frustration.

GLAMOUR: Both Molly and Issa are single. What challenges do you see women, and black women in particular, facing in the dating world, and how do those experiences inform this season?

ISSA: We’re combating being undesirable. That’s a lot of the narrative: that black women are undesirable. Every day an athlete or a rapper says something along the lines of “That’s why I don’t date black women.” Like Kodak Black—your name is Kodak Black and you don’t f-ck with black women? OK, cool.

MELINA: Stay over there!

Drunk in Love

“Issa got me drunk and wrote all my stories into season one and season two,” jokes Matsoukas.

Photograph by Bec Lorrimer Stylist: Deborah Afshani

ISSA: We’re showing that these women are desirable. But Melina, you always say, “This is L.A. How are they getting so many dates?”

MELINA: Sometimes I’m like, Y’all wrote this black woman’s wet dream, where you have this fine-ass dude stalking you, calling you, but you’re not calling him. That’s not real life, but…

ISSA: L.A. dating: People feel they can always do better.

GLAMOUR: There are so many things that the white characters do and say in Insecure that make me, as a white woman, cringe.

MELINA: And you’re like, “Do I do that?”

GLAMOUR: [Laughs.] And by bringing humor to it, you can easily call it out: “Stop doing this—”

MELINA: Right, don’t touch my hair. You need humor to deal with these obstacles, whether it’s racism or sexism. It is easier for people to understand and accept [that criticism] when there’s humor in it.

GLAMOUR: As I look at the credits, I see a lot of women’s names. What is the staffing like behind the scenes?

MELINA: Our story is rooted in authenticity, and our stories are best told by the people they are about, you know?

ISSA: There’s a lot of sex this season. When I’m in the writers’ room, I dissociate myself: “Let’s have Issa do this!” By the time I’m shooting, I’m like, “Aww, f-ck! I gotta do this shit?” I’m still a regular-ass person who gets embarrassed and shy. It’s more comfortable to be around a woman director.

GLAMOUR: Is there mentoring going on behind the scenes?

MELINA: It’s such a priority for us. We have a shadowing director on every episode. The person is literally like a shadow to the director.

GLAMOUR: Kerry Washington was one, right? What was that like?

MELINA: Crazy. My friend was like, “Was Kerry Washington your intern?” I’m like, “She wasn’t my intern.” [Laughs.] She wants to direct, and she asked if she could come and learn. She was a total student. But we also have young filmmakers who shadow the crew. We’re trying to be that school, as we’re learning ourselves.

GLAMOUR: You have a number of celebrity fans, including Sterling K. Brown, who guest-stars this season.

ISSA: At an event he said, “I love the show, if you ever need….” I was thinking, Ha-ha, he’s just being polite. A few months later, he slid into my DMs: “These are my free days, if you have anything!” I was like, What? We had the perfect role. Every woman who watched his scenes on the monitors had a pasted-on smile—he’s dreamy.

GLAMOUR: And President Obama told you he liked the show too. What was it like to meet him?

ISSA: I brought my mom to a party at the White House. She got to the front of the line and got a hug from him. Then I got in line with Yvonne [who plays Molly]. The president held my hand and said to Yvonne, “Oh, she’s having a good year!” I was like, “The President knows me?” We started screaming! He was like, “I love the show and the soundtrack, and I love to see black women being creative.” I walked away and collapsed to my knees. [Laughs.] My mom missed the whole thing. She was so busy obsessing over her hug. She was like, “What did I miss?” Mom, you missed everything!

GLAMOUR: So many women—black, Latina, white—relate to the characters in this show. What should that say to Hollywood execs?

MELINA: That you don’t have to be one color to relate to a story. I grew up watching a lot of non-people-of-color whose stories I related to in my way. But everybody’s worth is as important as the next person. And we need stories that are different. Understanding about other people leads to acceptance, which is something that we need desperately.

Bonus Round! Here Are the Best Practices for Working with a Friend, According to Issa Rae

Don’t beat around the bush.

“Melina and I are really straightforward with each other. We’re both clear and passionate about our points.”

Swallow your nos.

“I’m always tempted to say, ‘Nah, that won’t work.’ But I think you should be willing to try ideas
out before saying no. Be open-minded.”

Save your fight.

“If something is important to Melina and not all that important to me, I let her win. ‘You can have this one thing; just know I’m gonna ask for my one thing a few days from now!’”

Give props where props are due.

“I tell her when an idea is great right away: Usually it’s a ‘Yaaasss, you did that, you did that!’ I’ll dance. I will sing.”

Encourage her to live.

“I recognize you need a personal life: Take your vacation, go hang out with your man, have fun! I’m gonna have your back, and you’ll have mine.”

You can catch the season two finale of Insecure tonight on HBO at 11 p.m. EST or catch up on the whole season with HBO Go.



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 4B Recap: The Twins Are Here to Shake Things Up


It’s the second to last Bachelor in Paradise episode, you say? It’s the final countdown!

As you might remember from last night, Kristina left, and everyone who is still on the beach is happily (and heterosexually) coupled up. Jaimi, the chill bisexual with a septum piercing from Nick’s season, arrives to stir things up. Using the bi chick to break people up and add last-minute drama is kind of cheap, ABC. Bi people deserve to find love, too, not just cause drama. Still glad she’s here, though. I’m also going to use her presence as an excuse to post one of the better musical achievements of our era:

[embedded content]

Everyone is like, “What if Jaimi asks a girl on her date?” But Jaimi makes an even more dramatic decision: Diggy. On their date, Diggy tries to guess Jaimi’s ethnicity. (She’s black and Italian, BTW.) They also talk about her fluid sexuality and Diggy’s open-mindedness. They get along and kiss and that’s pretty much the date!

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

“The Twins” (Emily and Haley) from Ben’s season arrive. They’re honestly more terrifying than the little girls from The Shining, and not even as well dressed. But they have a date card to use !!!TONIGHT!!!!! so it’s game on. The twins are, of course, friends with Amanda and very popular among the boys because they’re blonde and have boobs and there are two of them. In her pinched, nasal way, Amanda explains who is who and what is what, from Scallop Fingers to Murder Face. I cannot for the life of me tell these women apart and will be referring to them as Blue Dress and White Dress from here on out.

“Our vaginas are different.” – Blue Dress

The twins are planning to move to LA (of course) and occasionally speak in unison (of course). Blue Dress asks out Jack Stone and White Dress asks Dean, but Dean says no because he has learned his lesson! But then he notices that White Dress is hot and kinda pushy and mostly hot and has blonde hair, so what could he possibly do? A man can only take so much. He’s only human!!!!!!!! Undeterred, White Dress asks D-Lo’s permission to ask Dean on a guilt-free date, and D-Lo’s like, well, that’s pretty much up to Dean because she knows that Dean’s a fuckboy and a fuckboy’s gotta do who a fuckboy’s gotta do.

Dean turns White Dress down, again, so she finds Tickle Monster Jonathan napping, wakes him, and asks him out even though she hates him. These poor twins. All the good guys are taken, plus they forgot their Brandy Melville tops at home, so things are just not going well. THEY FORGOT THEIR CUTE BRANDY MELVILLE TOPS AT HOME, I TELL YOU!!!!!

“Turns out they’re dating shallow, ugly whores.” – White Dress on the
guys she and Blue Dress originally liked. Wow, these girls are like, really, really mean.

As Christen walks on the beach, Wells pretends to dry a glass and does his best David Attenborough impression because I’m pretty sure they’re trying to sell us on Wells as the next franchise lead. Moving on, let’s check in with Taylor and Derek! They are still in love, busily acknowledging each other, and kissing. Look, I’m happy for them, but Taylor needs to not say she’s “finally” getting her happy ending at the age of 23.

The twins changed into date night outfits, so now they are Striped Shirt and Other Shirt. After consulting with his better angels, Jack Stone decides he doesn’t wanna go on the date and lets both down at the same time even though only one asked him out. Honestly? I don’t think he can tell them apart either and doesn’t remember which one is his. The twins start insulting him and yelling at him; Striped Shirt decides she’s “over it.” They both run away, and Jack starts kissing Christen, and then the twins start throwing scallops onto the trail because they want attention. This is so fake! Much like the twins’ hair color!

The next day, everyone is still happily coupled. My favorite is Adam and Raven. Chris Harrison rolls up to drop a bomb: This is their last day in paradise a.k.a. the show got too boring, and they need a finale!

Parting Thoughts: Tonight’s episode was only an hour, so please spend some of your extra time watching this…



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 4A Recap: Finally, the Dean-Kristina-Danielle Love Triangle Is Dunzo


Only three episodes of Bachelor in Paradise are left, and the question on everyone’s mind is: How does Amanda’s makeup stay on in the pool? Amanda, tell us your secret!

As for the rest of the Paradisers, most of them are coupled up—but Dean is still figuring out his feelings for Kristina and D-Lo. It’s too bad these nice young people can’t figure it out. They’re all so tan and have fake teeth; you’d think they’d be happy! Kristina feels disrespected by Dean’s relationship with D-Lo and isn’t gonna put up with it anymore. Or maybe she is? She’s mostly just frowning. Dean is kicking himself for throwing a good thing away. Did he learn nothing from Rachel and Peter?

Look, I get that Kristina is kind of a fun suck, but the whole “emotional girl versus hot girl” question just makes no sense to me in this case because…Kristina is very beautiful. Am I wrong? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here.

“Don’t ask me to be patient while you’re locking legs, lips, arms,
whatever else.” – Kristina

Meanwhile, Jasmine got a rose last week from Matt, who then left, so now she’s on the prowl for someone to give her rose to and has basically set her sights on stealing Jonathan (Tickle Monster) from Christen, which seems massively unfair. Like, Jasmine literally just jumps on him in the pool and kisses him.

Into this mix they toss Blake from Rachel’s season, the guy who hated Lucas (Whaboom) and also…actually, that’s it, that was his whole thing. He’s sweating a bunch and has a date card no one seems interested in. Blake likes both D-Lo and Kristina, which is kinda perfect—if he can take one of those girls from Dean, hey, two birds one stone. Or they could become a polyamorous foursome! Blake asks for advice from Raven, who is basically like, “Just be nice and normal and don’t talk about Whaboom.” So, naturally, that’s the only thing he talks about with Jasmine. And Christen. And Kristina.

“You should hope Blake takes your girl because then she’ll appreciate
you more.” – Diggy to Dean

Blake decides Kristina is The One, and she again compares her experience on Bachelor in Paradise to her experience in an orphanage (“When I was in an orphanage all I wanted was to get picked … but I don’t want to get picked for this date.”) I understand that probably was the producers’ idea, but it still bothers me. Kristina, that was an orphanage in Russia; this is a beach resort in Mexico. You’re fine. Anyway, she turns Blake down.

“I had very low expectations for Blake, and he lived up to them.” –
Kristina

Another new addition: Fred from Rachel’s season, the super intense guy who went to elementary school with Rachel. It feels awfully late in the game for these guys to find love, but Fred has the distinct advantage of being, well, hella fine. He and Dominique hit it off.

Jasmine narrates the situation while playing with Raven’s hair, like a couple of preening cats or mermaids or something. Blake asks Christen for a conversation and though he puts his whole foot in his mouth, he doesn’t actually choke on it, so she says yes. Five points to Christen for storing her lip gloss in her bikini top.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

Jack Stone is sad about potentially losing Christen, even though I completely forgot that they ever had a thing. He punches Robby in the crotch because men and their feelings.

Jack Stone angrily listens to his headphones and works out with a resistance band, while a rumor spreads around the beach that he’s a bad kisser. Jasmine, martyr that she is, volunteers to run a kiss clinic with Raven. Jack is not into it…until they do shots. He kisses Jasmine with tongue (“Jack Stone doesn’t kiss with no tongue”) and soon the word spreads: Jack’s a good kisser. So then he gets D-Lo and Raven and D-Lo again and Jasmine again. Good for you, Murder Face!

CHRISTEN WHITNEY

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

On the double date, Dominique, Fred, Blake, and Christen ride a tricked-out speedboat that makes Christen seasick. Dominique, on the other hand, is dancing up a mountain and zip-lining down. While Dominique and Fred play on the inflatable blob (I don’t know that the name of the thing is, but in Heavyweights they call it The Blob, so, it’s a blob), Blake and Christen deal with Christen’s eye contact.

Back at the beach, Chris Harrison appears with good news (for the guys, at least): no more new arrivals! Except, of course, for the Messiah, who may arrive at any time. Oh, and there are more date cards coming and a rose ceremony that night.

ROBBY HAYES, AMANDA STANTON

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

The date card goes to…Robby and Amanda! They go to a fair with games and rides, it’s cute, and Robby says he’s a “sucker” for family, which is good because Amanda has kids. Robby’s all, “I’m falling for you” and Amanda’s all “mahna mahna”, and they kiss under fireworks.

Later, at the cocktail party, Daniel and Lacey are both so weird and pale and awkward and kind of terrible that it really, really works. Ben lost Raven to Adam and feels like it’s pointless to stay, so he leaves to return to his one true love: his dog Zeus. Soulmates should be together! Diggy has to find a way to get back with Dominique before she potentially gives Fred her rose, so he pulls her aside to play a get-to-know-you-better game, Digging Deep with Diggy. On the question “hug or kiss?” Dominique chooses hug, so that does not bode well for Diggy. She asks him his questions back, he chooses kiss, they kiss, and he may have saved it?

At the bar, Wells tells Christen the story of why her nickname is “Scallop Fingers” (a story too stupid to even repeat here), and she takes it about as well as could be expected. Which is to say, she’s not entertained but she doesn’t have a breakdown about it. Then she legitimately has a full conversation with Daniel about seafood, but mostly about scallops. Let’s remember that Christen is, somehow, currently the most sought-after girl in Paradise.

To win her favor, Blake procures…scallops. Greasy scallops for her to eat with her hands. She dutifully eat the scallops and nods at the things Blake says and then he kisses her and my brain is kinda melting. Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a scallop-slide, no escape from reality. I miss Alexis.

Jonathan pulls Christen aside to be like, “pick me” and then kiss her far too tenderly. Then Jack Stone pulls Christen aside and like, fuck! What! What? What.

What is going on. Why is Christen the hottest shit?

“How did this happen?” – Christen and the rest of America

Here’s my question about Tickle Monster: What kind of “doctor” can up and leave for six weeks to go fuck on a beach?

Wearing a questionable beaded bra over a white top, D-Lo confronts Dean about his indecision. Add in the tan capri slacks and you have a Teen Choice Awards red carpet outfit from 2002. I actually missed what she and Dean talked about because I was coming up with that #sick #fashion #burn.

After, Dean grabs a patiently waiting (and very chic) Kristina. Kristina, who is 25, calls D-Lo, who is 27, “not even a woman. A girl.” A reality TV relationship should not be this difficult, Kristina. Know when to take the L…

Kristina goes to Raven to shit talk (and slut shame) D-Lo, but Raven is very reasonable in this discussion and tries to de-escalate the tension and call out Kristina’s misplaced anger. So Kristina decides to be mad at Raven, too.

“Why are you fighting for someone who’s not fighting for you?” – Wells
to Kristina

At the rose ceremony, Lacey gives her rose to Daniel, Taylor gives her rose to Derek, Amanda gives her rose to Robby, Raven gives her rose to Adam, Dominique give her rose to…Diggy! (“No way!” – my friend Adrienne next to me on the couch), Jasmine gives her rose to Tickle Monster, Christen gives her rose to Jack Stone, Kristina gives her rose to…no one! She leaves. But not before Dean chivalrously walks her out, gives her a hug, says he hates himself (yeesh), and apologizes. D-Lo gives her rose to Dean.

So the two guys who just showed up are going home. They flew all the way to Mexico and got sent right back. On a totally unrelated note, call your senator and tell them not to let Trump repeal DACA.

Parting Thoughts: THANK GOODNESS FOR NO CLIFFHANGER!



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 3B Recap: Corinne Speaks


It’s another split episode of Bachelor in Paradise: an hour of fun on the beach, followed by an interview with Corinne Olympios about the scandal that caused the production shutdown earlier this season. Corinne addressed the controversy this morning on Good Morning America, explaining that, due to a combination of prescription medication and alcohol, she didn’t remember the events that caused a producer to lodge a complaint and shut down the show; however, after viewing the footage, she doesn’t have negative feelings toward DeMario Jackson, the man involved. Her claim that she was “a victim” was about the media.

It’s a messy situation that I wish the show had addressed in full before the season started, allowing the rest of the season to just be about fun in the sun—but instead it’s been sort of dragged out over the weeks, presumably for ratings. Hopefully tonight will be the last time Bachelor in Paradise uses the shutdown to create drama. (DeMario addressed the issue in an interview with Chris Harrison last week.)

But before we get to all that, let’s go back to the beach, where, as you may remember from last night’s episode, the guys have the roses, Matt left, and someone named Daniel just arrived.

Lacey immediately jumps onto Daniel who, we quickly learn, has ripped abs and is Canadian. He cracks a joke about Trump’s border wall, and now I’m just thinking about how, if I were on that show, I would be going after Daniel to get that Canadian citizenship-by-marriage. Lacey comes on to him pretty strong (“I’ve been waiting for you”), and Daniel refers to the remaining single women as “leftover scraps” so, pretty gross, eh? He rejected her like a cold Tim Horton’s or a glaze that wasn’t maple or a hockey that wasn’t…a moose…? I’ve never been to Canada.

Because he showed up “fashionably late,” Daniel compares himself to Beyoncé, which is heretical, in my book…

…and then mentions that an upside of dating virginal Christen would be that she is STD-free which, two things:

  1. Do we know exactly what Christen means by virgin? You can get an STD even if you never go P-in-V.

  2. Are you allergic to condoms?

OK so I don’t like Daniel, despite his access to a country that isn’t run by Donald Trump. He gives Lacey his rose. Jack Stone gives his rose to Christen.

THEN MATT COMES BACK to give his rose to “someone who deserves it” and help a girl stay on the show even though he’s leaving. He gives it to Jasmine, who rolls her eyes and accepts it with a salty “sure.” Derek gives his rose to Taylor, Robby to Amanda, Diggy to Dominique, Adam to Raven (not Sarah!), Dean to Kristina (over D. Lo), and Ben presents the final rose to D. Lo, meaning that Sarah and Alexis are going home.

WHAT JUSTICE IS THERE IF ALEXIS GOES HOME? SHE’S THE BEST ONE? ARE ALL THESE MEN DUMB?

Later in a bungalow, Kristina dares Dean to get a boner using only his mind. It’s profoundly weird.

The next morning, men in Luchador masks come running in and drag everyone out of bed, which feels both unnecessary and racially insensitive, especially since Christen repeatedly refers to them as “sumo wrestlers.” They give Daniel a date card that Lacey decides is for her. Then Daniel says some things. Things like:

“I’m here to date a girl. I’m here to maybe sleep with a girl? I mean,
I’m a guy, I like sex. I’m not here to be friends with these girls, I
can be friends with girls back home.” – Daniel

And:

“The last time I had a date was when Caitlyn Jenner was a man.” –
Daniel

And:

“I don’t wanna pour all my chickens into one egg and let it hatch into
a dinosaur or something.” – Daniel

So, those are things Daniel said.

At one point Kristina says, “You’re walking around with your date card, I see,” but due to her accent I heard “date card” as “dick hard” and was so confused. The date card does, indeed, go to Lacey. On their date, Lacey and Daniel go full GLOW and wrestle for a dozen or so assembled Mexicans who were, I hope, compensated for their time. They have the Best Time Ever.

Jonathan, the affable but un-self-aware “Tickle Monster” from Rachel’s season, arrives at Paradise with a date card in (tickle-ready) hand. All the guys from Rachel’s season literally refer to him as “Tickle” like it’s his name, but they seem happy to see him. We also learn that his real profession is “doctor” and he has met Ellen DeGeneres, so, point Tickle Dude. He and Christen make out. Well, they don’t make out. They exchange exactly one kiss. Then he gives her a date card and tickles her. On their date, T.M. impresses Christen with tales from the trade: He delivers babies and then takes care of them and he also surfs. Christen turns into the heart-eyes emoji. Eating this up by the spoonful. Well, by the handful. She’s still eating everything with her hands, and then with the tiny plastic hands the show gave her. Tickle Monster is an Innocent Boy. Not a monster. A Tickle Puppy. They’re good together because they’re both kinda 16 on the inside. When they return, Jack Stone pulls Christen aside and they make out and now Jonathan is a Tickle Madster

Dean is torn between Kristina (smart, sensitive, kind, invested, emotional) and D. Lo (hot, fun, attractive, hot, good-looking, feisty, also she’s hot). Poor Dean. Robby refers to the two women in question as “cars” that Dean is “test driving,” so now Robby’s on my shit list. Kristina finds it very “disrespectful” that, well, Dean and D. Lo probably banged. Where do we all fall on Deantina versus Dean Lo, the couple names I just made up?

“Right now, I think the orphanage was better than Paradise” – Kristina
being really friggin’ dramatic.

Lacey is literally sitting on Daniel’s lap while they make out when Jasmine decides to steal him for a second. If Lacey were smart. she would go to bed and make it clear that if you leave her, you don’t get her back—but instead she glowers at them from her perch above the beach, like the Count of Monte Cristo or something.

The next part of the recap is about the “studio edition” conversations between Chris Harrison, a handful of contestants, and Corinne Olympios, who will speak about the sexual assault allegations that briefly shut down the show. If you are upset or made uncomfortable by the discussion of these topics, please consider skipping the rest of the recap. And if you or someone you know is a dealing with trauma as the result of a sexual assault, call RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.

Here to hang are Wells, Alexis, Amanda and Raven. Wells is like, “Yeah, who knows if I will date Danielle” and Amanda is like, “Meep moop meep meep,” and Raven is like, “If Sarah tries to take Adam away from me, I will cut a bitch, ha ha,” and makes some jokes about spoons and ALEXIS DOESN’T GET AN ANECDOTE EVEN THOUGH SHE IS THE BEST ONE?

(I love you, Alexis.)

Jasmine returns to confront Matt. They have zero new information.

Finally, Corinne appears. For those who didn’t watch Nick’s season, Corinne is a blunt, highly amusing, and probably harmless rich girl from Florida. She should have been the star of this season of Bachelor in Paradise, but instead, here we are. She smiles in a spunky white dress, considerably less confident than when she gave a similar studio audience bowls of cheesy pasta, but she is, in her words, “better.” Corinne explains that because she was drinking on a medication that (she realized later) shouldn’t be combined with alcohol, she doesn’t actually remember the events of that first day on Paradise. Looking back, she doesn’t feel that DeMario did anything wrong, and understands that he did not understand she was “mentally checked-out,” and it’s “no one’s fault.” It was an “unfortunate situation” that “really sucks.” She teared during a few points of the interview.

After talking a little more about how hard this situation was for DeMario, Corinne thanks the audience and her supporters. Then there’s a preview of the rest of the season. Good Lord, I hope it’s fun.

“Parting Thoughts: We’ll never know the full story of what happened, and we don’t have the right to. All that matters is that Olympios is satisfied with the outcome of the investigation.”



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'Bachelor in Paradise' Season 4 Episode 3A Recap: Love Triangles, Fights, and a Shocking Departure


Well friends, it’s a Monday night, and you know what that means: I’m on my couch with a Diet Coke and a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head (and NOT the Taylor Swift song you’re thinking of!) ready to recap the nonsense that is Bachelor in Paradise. But first, a query: What if the theme song to this program were Green Day’s “Welcome To Paradise?” Would that change the viewing experience? Please discuss in your reading groups; this will be an essay question on the final at end of term.

As you may remember from last week, Danielle M. left the beach to de-worm orphans in Somalia provide healthcare to children in Africa, even though she shared a steamy kiss with bartender Wells. New blood on the beach threw all the couples into a tailspin, but mostly Lacey. Everyone loves Matt. Ben is obsessed with his dog. No one is allowed to wear sunglasses on camera.

This week, the guys have the roses to give, so uncoupled women are scrambling to find men. Much like the beginning of Pride and Prejudice! Alexis and Raven invent a game that’s basically a blind-folded taste test with a sexy twist, confirming my suspicion that Alexis is actually funny. The blindfolded guy in question is Jack Stone, who is really endearing during the game and it’s literally because he’s blindfolded. When he can’t look at the camera/women in a creepy way, he’s maybe charming? He’s…a pair of stylish eyewear away from likability?

Jasmine asks Matt for a massage and when he declines to give her one, she mounts him.

Christen, who is 26 and from Nick’s season, shows up. She’s an adult virgin, following in the footsteps of Queen Elizabeth.

Matt is attracted to Christen but Jasmine, Queen Bee of Paradise, already marked her territory, so that’s…her man! Would love to hear Christen and Jasmine break into a drunken rendition of Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over Matt, if ABC can get the rights. Jasmine warns Matt “thou shalt not date Christen” and makes some sexual comment that gets bleeped out because this show about drunken adults having sex on the beach is, what, family programming?

Sidebar: Where the hell is Christen from? She has an accent that veers from Valley Girl to Tennessee-Southern to Boston over the course of a sentence, and her name is spelled like that name should not be spelled.

BUT THEN as Christen is applying makeup, Jasmine barges in to confront her and Christen savvily is like, “well HE came on to ME, so that’s why I liked him the most of all the boys” and then Jasmine is like, “Do you, go on your date, but like, I am clocking your moves” and the moral here is that Jasmine is pretty drunk. So then Raven tells Christen, you know, this is more about Matt, and Christen cries, and Jasmine monologues to Alexis on the beach and Jasmine calls Christen “slimy and sneaky” and a “slimy-ass bitch.”

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

On their date, Matt and Christen share chocolate-covered bananas so, Insert Arrested Development Banana Stand Joke Here. Alexis tells a story about how one time, on the way to a club, Christen ate scallops in a car. Wells then re-tells that story, mockingly, and then Jasmine and Amanda also re-tell that story; basically, Christen is Scallop Girl now; her reputation has been sullied forever. Honestly, if the worst people can say about you is that you eat dumb snacks in a car, you’re probably OK, Christen.

Commercial sidebar: Jessica Chastain is so GD compelling I might have to buy whatever perfume she’s selling because I wanna smell like her.

That night, Jasmine continues to complain about Christen and Matt, which hurts her in two respects: 1) She’s giving Matt the upper hand in their relationship because she’s clearly more invested than he is, and 2) She’s pretty much guaranteeing that if she and Matt do split, none of the other guys currently on the beach will have anything to do with her after seeing this clingy side of her. True to form, the moment Matt appears, she climbs onto him and smothers him with un-sexy kisses.

Christen eats shrimp with her fingers for dinner, and this is hysterical to Amanda and Sarah because it reminds them of the earlier scallop anecdote. These girls have the dumbest sense of humor on the plane; like, I get it: not everyone is a comedian, but y’all need to come up with better jokes. I swear to gahh.

DANIELLE LOMBARD

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

It’s Game Night in Paradise, so they are playing Scattergories—well, everyone except for Robby, who is setting up a romantic night with Amanda by putting glow sticks in a hot tub. Amanda tactfully swerves his advances.

Sarah pulls Adam aside to be like, “Um, so hey, no pressure, but, like, do you like me? Like ugh, I know I’m not like, some other kind of way, but like, can you please like me?” And Adam’s like, “I’m figuring it out.”

Dean is still weighing D. Lo vs. Kristina, much to Kristina’s accented chagrin.

The only two people not having a terrible night? Derek and Taylor, the show’s most stable and longest-lasting couple of the season. Then out of nowhere they decide to stop kissing and start talking about their issues and get super mad at each other. Derek says “f-ck you,” possibly sarcastically, and Taylor literally says that she’s triggered and goes and cries on the beach.

They go to the hot tub to talk about Derek’s language and how it hurt Taylor. Even though it seems like he could easily fix this by saying, “I’m sorry, baby, I was an asshole and didn’t mean it,” he instead says nothing and Taylor talks about her emotions. She says she needs time. I feel like there’s definitely more to this story than we are seeing.

In the morning, Taylor lets it be known that her emotional piggy bank is empty. Empty! Her emotional piggy bank!

AMANDA STANTON, ROBBY HAYES

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like “A spooky surprise is coming your way!” I’m not sure why one of the rose-less girls doesn’t just bite the bullet and kiss Robby because Amanda won’t. Adam is somehow the grand prize in this catfight, sought after by both Raven and Sarah. Diggy, too, is caught between beautiful ladies: Lacey and Dominique. Lacey is “very disappointed” in Diggy, who is happy to use Dominique to get the hell away from Lacey. LACEY! GO MAKE OUT WITH ROBBY! HE IS WIDE OPEN!

KRISTINA SCHULMAN, DEAN UNGLERT

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

I don’t know why Kristina is so obsessed with Dean? I mean, I do know, he’s Dean, but they don’t seem on the same page. She’s all in and he’s…all in with her and with D. Lo.

Amanda and Robby continue their quasi-romantic friendship until Robby KISSES AMANDA. Good for them. I don’t personally care, but far be it from me to tell you not to.

For some reason, the powers that be decided Wells’ humor would be improved with the addition of a cheerleader hand puppet he can use to have pretend conversations with the women on the show. To his credit, he does not even attempt ventriloquism. To his non-credit, it’s not very funny.

Taylor sits Derek down to talk about The F-ck You Incident and how he was emotionally reactive. The two main issues here are Taylor’s tendency to become her own couples counselor and being triggered due to her past emotional abuse. Which is all, sadly, very real! They have a real relationship. They actually care about each other!

Matt and Christen have a heart-to-heart, and Matt basically tells her that his rose is going to Jasmine. And then Jasmine and Matt have a heart-to-heart and Matt tells her that he wants to go home. And then he leaves! Boy bye?

TAYLOR NOLAN, CHRISTEN WHITNEY

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

While Christen is crying, Jasmine wastes no time in locking down her backup plan: Jack Stone. I mean, Jasmine cries too, but she flirts her way through it. But then “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” Christen wises up and, uh, strongly hints to Jack Stone that he could potentially be the man to, uh, do the deed. They make out!

Then, Chris Harrison comes back and introduces their “new arrival,” Daniel. I don’t know this person.

Parting Thoughts: Corinne-terview tomorrow. Also: Why is Bachelor in Paradise two nights a week?



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'Game of Thrones' Season 7 Finale Recap: A Major Death, That Jon and Daenerys Thing Happened, and So Much More


It’s hard to believe, but we’ve arrived at the end of season 7 of Game of Thrones. Of course, like all finales there’s a huge cliffhanger; still, it doesn’t quite feel like the end. That last scene was one hell of a beginning to something we do not want to wait for. On top of that, we might not see the final six episodes until 2019 (boo). So until then, let’s unpack this super-sized finale. It’s going to be a while until the next time we hear that sweet, sweet opening credits tune.

We start the episode at King’s Landing, where there are a lot of preparations for the meeting of Westeros’ leading minds. Literally anything could happen, and everyone is flexing big time as a reminder that both sides could kill each other at any minute. Charming. We see the sheer numbers Daenerys has amassed through the seasons, including this one. The unsullied stand organized as they do, and in contrast, the Dothraki come in as wild as ever. By sea, her many ships arrive, and it seems like everyone is there, including a fully mended Jon, but the Mother of Dragons herself.

It’s not long before we get confirmation that Cersei is not here to mess around; killing any of the people she’s hosting is fully on the table for her. She even has a list like Arya, and an order in which she wants her rivals killed.

The gang’s almost all here as all the sides converge towards the dragon pit. We get some reunions, a history lesson, and a reminder that this is probably a really stupid meeting because Cersei wants to chop everyone’s heads off. Everyone agrees, yet continues. Some of the cross-sides catching up really highlight how silly this big conflict can seem and how sides can change so fast. Looking at you, Pod and Tyrion. Can’t everyone just get along?!

Well, no. Everyone shares nervous glances as they wait for Cersei to arrive. It wouldn’t be the first time she collected everyone she wants dead in one place just to kill them all (remember last season’s finale?). She arrives after all, wearing her crown, and things get even more awkward. Our first sibling rivalry of many happens when The Hound comes face to face with his undead brother, The Mountain (Clegane bowl anyone?). Pirate Joshua Jackson—I mean, Euron is back and Cersei is not impressed by Dany’s late arrival…on dragonback.

Euron looks excited, and Dany doesn’t care that she pissed off the current Iron Throne resident. Pause for a second to reflect on the decision to bring the dragons. Yes, this was Dany’s personal version of flexing, but after last week, leave your babies at home! Who knows what Cersei has up her sleeve. Jaime has seen Drogon in action, and he can relay it all to Cersei without Dany showing off. Unpause.

Tyrion tries to recap the whole series of Game of Thrones as a reason why everyone is there but gets interrupted by a big Euron show asking Theon to come back or he’ll kill Yara. Both Jaime and Cersei come to Tyrion’s aid and ask Euron to sit down and shut up. At this, you wouldn’t be wrong to be curious about Cersei’s intentions. It’s not like her to defend Tyrion in any way. Jon jumps in to try to convey how serious the threat of the army of the dead is. Cersei treats it like a joke and even says as much. Not to mention the idea of a truce is nothing but amusing to her.

Enter The Hound with what looks like the most uncomfortable backpack of all time. In reality, his screeching zombie is inside but isn’t making a sound. Uh oh. It’s not until he opens it (slowly) and kicks it over that it lunges at Cersei, and too close for comfort. For once, our queen looks scared. They make a big show of cutting it to pieces to prove how hard it is to kill them. Jon gives a wight killing 101 seminar and they finally stop its fit. Cersei looks shaken by the whole thing.

Euron makes a show of cowardice and leaves everyone behind, hoping that he’ll survive on an island where the wights can’t get to him. Nothing has ever scared him before this. What seemed like a misguided plan appears to work. Cersei offers a truce in exchange for Jon’s loyalty to stay in the north and not fight her once the true enemy of the zombie army is defeated. Jon, Stark-ish as ever, says he can’t do that and Cersei is over it. She says the northerners can deal with the white walker army and see how that goes, she’s done. Everybody is pissed at Jon, but honestly less than he should be. As ever, Jon cannot tell a lie and stands by his honesty.

Tyrion insists on going to talk to his sister, knowing it’s probably a walk to his death. Jon jumps in and offers too, but it’s gotta be the Lannister. That leaves Dany, her cool dragon hair accessory, and Jon to talk about Dany’s family and her possible fertility in a cave-like inlet of the dragon pit. Dany mentions the downfall of her family while they pass a tiny dragon skull between them, and Jon notes that she’s not like everyone else, and that her family isn’t gone. Hmmm.

Tyrion has what seems to be an unsuccessful chat with his sister that’s charged with talk of family and how he destroyed theirs. She won’t hear his apologies, he pours some wine. Bold to think she wouldn’t poison it. She doesn’t care about anything but her family, or so she says. It seems pointless to fight over this kingdom, but she hints once again at her baby, building something new, and possibly following Euron’s lead of retreating.

Next thing we know, Cersei is back in the dragon pit offering up her forces to march north, and Tyrion is still alive. “The darkness is coming for us all,” she says. She also notes that she chose to send her men without promises or assurances from her enemies. Or did she?

Later, while Jaime strategizes with his men, Cersei calls him dumb and reveals that no, in fact she does not plan on sacrificing her army for certain death. The rest of the people can play their games with the white walkers while she and her growing family stay out of it in King’s Landing. Jaime is not thrilled with her trickery. Cersei reveals that Euron leaving was the plan all along, and as their father taught, money really is power. Euron is going to get all the resources money can buy because nobody walks away from Cersei. Once again, she uses her pregnancy as currency with Jaime, but he is appalled she would go back on her word. He’s legit concerned about their ability to win both against dragons and a dead army with huge numbers, and she is not so much. She noticed that Dany was down a dragon, but Jaime won’t hear it and tries to walk away. Cersei repeats that nobody walks away from her and threatens to sick The Mountain on him. For a moment, we truly thought this was how Jaime would die, but he tearfully escapes, only to find snow, and winter, have arrived in King’s Landing.

Speaking of winter, up in Winterfell, Sansa is still at odds with Arya’s behavior. Littlefinger is counseling her once again with the idea of Arya wanting to kill Sansa for betrayal and to take her power. He also suggests she kill Jon for pledging loyalty to Dany without consulting Sansa. After all, he can’t be unnamed King in the North. Like Arya last week, Littlefinger suggests Sansa play a game. Why would Arya want Sansa dead? Let’s list the reasons! He goes through a comprehensive list, and we’re thisclose to being convinced Arya is wearing Littlefinger’s face and just trying to get Sansa to prove she’s loyal to her family.

I’m not convinced this isn’t the case until Sansa calls Arya to a super awkward family meeting, and Littlefinger is also there. Arya appears to be on trial for a bunch of things she maybe was thinking, but after Sansa recites a long list of offenses (playing the game he taught her earlier), it turns out that they are actually aimed at Littlefinger. This whole time, the Starks have been working together. Yes!

It’s more satisfying than I could have ever imagined to see Littlefinger taken completely by surprise. For once, someone has out-planned him, and he has nobody to back him up. Sansa knows all of his offenses thanks to Bran, who sees everything. Even when Littlefinger thinks nobody saw what he did, Bran was there, in a way, and Sansa enjoys listing his many betrayals against her family. Littlefinger begs for his life, tries to be taken back to The Vale, but even his own men aren’t loyal to him.

Finally Arya gets her kill, it’s swift, in the neck, similar to how Catelyn died. Arya’s wearing her own face for this kill, on behalf of the Starks. Sansa says, “There’s no justice in the world, not unless we make it,” something he taught her. She thanks him for his lessons and watches him die, expressionless.

When Arya and Sansa recap, they’re back to playful sisters and all is right in the world. For a moment. The line from the trailer that Sansa remembers from Ned came true, “When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives.” They are protecting themselves and looking after one another, all while missing Ned.

We find out Sam was headed to Winterfell to figure out what to do about the white walkers with Jon. His re-introduction to Bran is pretty funny, but turns serious real quick. Bran reveals for the first time what he knows about Jon’s parents, and he turns out to be telling it to the exact right person. Sam can confirm he’s not a bastard after all, and Bran puts himself at Lyanna and Rhaegar’s wedding. He’s neither Snow nor Sand because of Gilly’s finding. Together, they establish that, “He’s never been a bastard,” Jon is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne—and his real name is Aegon Targaryen! Oh, and that’s not even the most delicious part. This all is being narrated while JON AND DANY STRAIGHT UP GET IT ON. Important to note: Tyrion sees it happen. It’ll be interesting to see how Jon receives this news that his steamy new love is actually his aunt.

We visit Dragonstone briefly (before said getting it on) while the group strategizes how to get to Winterfell. Jorah suggests Dany fly because the north remembers, and they’re not too thrilled with the Targaryens. But Jon says the north needs to see them unified, that they’re there to help and she sides with him. They will sail north together.

Before they go, Theon has a heart to heart with Jon about loyalty. Jon basically forgives Theon for being sort of the worst to his family after all they did for him, and Theon, after seeing his uncle (seemingly) retreat like a coward is inspired to Do The Right Thing. His sister was the only one there for him when he was being flayed and castrated by Ramsay, and she needs him now. Jon gives him his blessing to go save her, that he doesn’t have to choose between Starks and Greyjoys and can be loyal to both. The Greyjoy men aren’t so sure, and he gets beaten to a pulp before beating one of them to a pulp. That changes the rest of the group’s mind, they’re here for Theon and his new mission. He cleanses himself with water, true to the Greyjoy name, and they sail into the sunset…in a way.

The episode ends back at Eastwatch. Some of the men are still there, and they’re looking out beyond the wall. Instead of nothingness tundra, they see the army of the dead start to come out of the forest in very large numbers. Such large numbers that you don’t really notice that the night king is missing. Then, like Dany, he makes an entrance on (dead) dragonback and we know what we’re dealing with. The dragon shoots icy fire that is much more powerful than ice. Guess what the wall is made of? Ice. Not good. While the men at the wall put two and two together and start yelling at everyone to run, dead Viserion starts breathing away at the wall. It’s not long before that sucker comes down, taking some of the men at Eastwatch with it (but we can’t be sure who quite yet). The thousands of years old wall comes down like nothing, and we end the season with the giant army stepping right into Westeros towards the only partly suspecting humans south of the wall. Winter, indeed, is here.

This season was cinematic in more than just impressive CGI, big battles, and extra-long episodes. Our heroes mostly made it out of sticky situations alive when in the past they might not have. We had some perfectly timed saves with dragons and family reunions that warmed our hearts (if only temporarily). Fans have accused the show of giving in to fan service, but amidst dark times, I can’t always complain about getting a little bit of what I want, even if it’s cheesy. TV is an escape and sometimes our favorite characters wins are our wins. Plus, I’m never going to be mad about Jon Snow living to see another day.

Some stray observations since SO MUCH HAPPENED in this episode:

-Dany’s cape in King’s Landing looked like a dragon egg, which was super cool.

-Jon’s comment about stuffing a million people into a city not being for him was funny. He’s fully a northerner and a country boy.

-When Cersei says, “I know Ned Stark’s son will be true to his word,” that leaves it open to a major loophole, given he’s not Ned Stark’s son. He hopefully will learn that soon for himself.

-Sweet of Sam to react nicely to Bran saying he was the Three Eyed Raven instead of just looking at him like he is crazy. It’s been a while since we’ve seen Sam at peak Sam. Welcome back!

-Before we go, an in memoriam for our season 7 major character losses. It was a relatively low death count when considering what it could have been, but all deaths sting. Sorry, there’s no slideshow like at the Oscars. RIP Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, Lady Olenna Tyrell, Thoros of Myr, Benjen Stark (probably), Tyene, Obara and Nymeria Sand, Dickon and Randyll Tarly, and last but the opposite of least, Viserion. You will not be forgotten.

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