I asked for Bachelor in Paradise to tone down the Colton and Tia drama, and the show delivered. So, I’m going to push my luck and make another request: More of Astrid, please! She was on fire tonight with the commentary—and, oh man, there’s a lot to comment on. Let’s get right to it, shall we? Spoilers ahead!
The episode starts with David giving a rundown of all the couples: Tia and Colton, Krystal and The Goose, Kevin and Astrid, and Kenny and Annaliese are all a thing; the love triangles are between Kendall, Joe, and Leo and Jenna, Jordan, and Benoit. As for the latter, Benoit, my sexy poutine, is completely smitten with Jenna, and Jordan’s not going to stop him from pursuing it. Surprisingly, Jordan isn’t sweating this one, though. He’s being so mature…oh, wait, he just saw Jenna and Benoit making out on the beach and is LIVID. He can’t even handle watching Benoit throw a frisbee at Jenna without swearing and pouting.
Krystal and Chris, meanwhile, are lying around on a dirty beach pillow talking about Krystal’s butt. In other words, they’re thisclose to falling in love. Astrid describes their chemistry as “two aliens from a different planet, but they’re from the same planet.” It’s an observation so spot-on, I’m wondering why we haven’t seen more of her commentary this season? Bachelor producers, get on it!
She also gives the best line of the episode—”Let’s find out whose life is getting ruined today!”—as Connor enters paradise. He’s got his eye on Krystal and lucky for him, he’s capital-T her Type. She gives him the look I usually only reserve for pizza and Benoit:
But when Connor takes Krystal aside for a chat, she says she’s really into Chris so he should use his date card on somebody more open. Connor thanks her for the heads up, and Krystal runs off to tell Chris what happened. He’s so happy, he can’t help telling everyone that Krystal shut Connor down for him. But twist! Connor tells Krystal he’s still interested in taking her on the date regardless, and she says yes. When she breaks the news to Chris, he reacts the better than expected: by saying absolutely nothing.
Krystal puts on her fanciest bikini for the date, which has been billed as a “mystical adventure.” Turns out, that means a custom prayer that involves burying them in sand while they channel their inner spirit animal. After, they make out in the ocean. Not sure that was the end goal of the prayer, but OK!
Back at the villa, Jordan and Jenna have a heart-to-heart talk. He admits he doesn’t handle emotions well, but he wants to improve because he’s scared he’ll lose her. This is enough for Jenna to be like, “Benoit, who?” She ostensibly then heads off to break up with Benoit…but kisses him instead. Jordan sees this, so he confronts Benoit. It, surprise, goes nowhere; Jordan yells and slaps his hands on the ground, Benoit throws a couple curse words around. Neither come out of it looking great, but who does in a love triangle?
In other news, Kenny reveals he’s leaving paradise because he doesn’t want to miss his daughter’s dance recital. THIS IS WHY KENNY IS THE BEST. He tells Annaliese first, and makes it clear he’s not leaving because of her. He really liked their connection, but he needs to be at home with his daughter. Ugh, so sweet. So pure. Annaliese sheds an appropriate amount of tears and wonders if there’s anyone left for her here.
That feeling doesn’t last long: Kamil enters the next morning with a date card for Annaliese. She doesn’t know how to pronounce his name, but that doesn’t stop her from being excited about the date. They drive an ATV across a tiny ramshackle bridge and somehow survive. Annaliese declares they’re already one of the “stronger” couples in paradise.
That may sound like a stretch, but Kevin and Astrid—arguably the strongest couple in paradise—are on the rocks. It starts when he casually says he wants her to go on a date with another guy because their relationship has been too easy so far. She, naturally, is like, Huh?
After some tears and back-and-forth, Kevin admits he said that because he’s insecure she’ll leave him. She’s his dream girl, so he’s always concerned a storm is coming. Plus, Kevin says, he’s normally in therapy twice a week to work this stuff out, so being in paradise isn’t helping. Astrid says she didn’t expect to feel so much so soon, either. They make up, and Kevin says he’s falling in love.
Speaking of couples making up, Jordan gives Jenna an ultimatum. If she doesn’t give him her rose this week, he’ll walk away from the show. She thinks on it a bit, then decides to cut poor Benoit loose. “I don’t really understand why she’s into him,” he tells the camera. Mmhm. He reacts by dramatically throwing a football into the sea repeatedly, which is way more poetic than Jordan’s giant stuffed animal tantrum.
Now that one triangle has concluded, let’s check in with Leo, Kendall, and Joe. Kendall says Joe makes her laugh, but her heart is drawn to Leo. However, everyone knows he kissed Chelsea…except for Kendall. Even Joe knows, but he decides it’s better to let Leo dig his own grave. Smart! His plan works: Kevin is the one who lets it slip to Kendall about the kiss. At least, I think that’s what happens during their talk. Hard to say because I was so stressed about their feet:
Later, Kendall confronts Leo. She doesn’t care that he kissed Chelsea; it’s that he told Kendall she was the only girl for him, then kept this a secret. Instead of, I don’t know, reflecting on his actions and deciding to become a better man, Leo throws a tantrum in the pool about tattletales. Kevin casually lounges while staring at Leo like:
Kevin lets Leo rant around for a bit before finally telling him he’s the one who told Kendall. It quickly turns into a yelling match, but Kevin isn’t phased. He even quotes fellow Canadian and Hot Man Justin Trudeau: “We are polite, we are reasonable, but we will not be pushed around.”
Wells tries to calm Leo down by telling him he’s being irrational. That doesn’t work, because Leo turns around and yells at Kendall. In his mind, she is in the wrong for calling him out. Excuse me, what? Leo then accuses Kendall of faking her feelings for him. When this doesn’t go over well, he tries a different tactic and showers Kendall with compliments. Kendall is handling it well on her own, but Joe decides to step in and…. TO BE CONTINUED.
I’ll see you tomorrow night, when everyone cries!
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