After last week‘s weird episode, The Big Bang Theory is back on track with the return of “Fun with Flags,” no mention of Leonard donating his sperm, and Sheldon powerfully sticking up for Amy (you tell ’em, Dr. Cooper). The episode also introduces Sean Astin and Kal Penn as physicists who could make or break Shamy’s Nobel prize hopes, though the Muppet’s Statler and Waldorf, two cranky obnoxious dudes, could have easily played the same parts.
Anyway, “The Confirmation Polarization” starts out on a high note when Amy receives an encouraging email from Dr. Pemberton (Astin) and Dr. Campbell (Penn) during a taping of “Fun with Flags.” They seem to confirm Sheldon and Amy’s theory about Super-Asymmetry, which sends Sheldon and Amy into a state of delirium. (They’re so excited that Penny, Leonard, and the rest of the gang hear them from across the hall and assume they must be having sex.)
Sheldon and Amy tell Professor Siebert their news, and he suggests they could be looking at a Nobel-winning achievement. If they do win, they’ll be the 39th and 40th Nobel Laureate winners from Cal Tech. Surprisingly Sheldon doesn’t ask for a statue of himself immortalized on the campus, but you know that’s coming. Later, Shamy meets with Drs. Pemberton and Campbell, who reveal this happened so fast because their experiment accidentally confirmed Super-Asymmetry. Sheldon and Amy are not amused. Pemberton and Campbell don’t even understand Super-Asymmetry, but they don’t care. They’re just excited to be in Los Angeles and have tickets to a taping of Ellen. “Look at the four of us,” Dr. Pemberton says, “changing the face of physics!”
Um, “the four” of you? Yep, apparently Pemberton and Cambell need to attach themselves to Sheldon and Amy’s theory if there’s any hope to win a Nobel.
PHOTO: Michael Yarish/Warner Bros. Entertainment
Later, Sheldon meets up with Leonard, Howard, and Raj to complain. Raj says he shouldn’t worry because, “Super-Asymmetry is your paper. Everyone knows you discovered it first.” Raj is right, Leonard says, but the Nobel committee has often favored scientists like Pemberton and Campbell. Either way, the whole thing is infuriating. (Not as infuriating, of course, as Leonard thinking of donating his sperm to Penny’s ex-boyfriend.)
Sheldon then tells Pemberton and Cambell not to steal his idea; they can come up with their own. Campbell’s all, “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.” Pemberton snidely says, “Wouldn’t that be something though!” Forget what I said about these two acting like Statler and Waldorf. They don’t belong in a nice theater balcony. They deserve to live in Oscar the Grouch’s trash can.
They eventually say they understand where Sheldon is coming from, but they’re going to be part of this submission anyway. Sheldon’s not thrilled—but if that’s what it takes to win a Nobel, he’s not going to say no. But that’s when Pemberton and Campbell drop another bombshell: Only three of them can be named to the discovery, not four. (Side note: When did this thing turn in to a ride at Disneyland, where there’s only room for a set amount of people in a row? Glad I never had Nobel ambitions.)
Sheldon wants Pemberton or Campbell to leave their name off the discovery, but neither’s willing to budge. They reason that they’re all physicists; since Amy is a neuroscientist, she doesn’t belong. Sheldon storms out, but first he makes Pemberton and Campbell think he’s on their side. Little do they know there’s still 10 minutes left in the episode, and Sheldon’s not going down without a fight.
Sheldon returns home for dinner with Amy and reluctantly tells her that only three people can share a Nobel prize. He explains that Pemberton and Campbell’s university is recommending the two of them and Sheldon, and they want Cal Tech to do the same. If they present a united front, they’ll have a better shot at winning. Amy reacts as if she’s had the wind knocked out of her. “That makes sense,” she says, still in shock.
Sheldon says he won’t leave her off the submission, but Amy says maybe he should. Now Sheldon’s shocked. “This has been your lifelong dream, and maybe you won’t get another chance,” she says. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t win a Nobel.”
Then, in the blink of an eye, Sheldon turns into Mr. Romance and tells Amy she’s the only reason he even deserves a Nobel. Amy is touched but says if his best shot is to partner up with those idiots (my words, not hers), he should take it. “I just want you to be happy,” she says. Amy, we do not deserve you.
Sheldon makes it seem as if he’s going to move forward with this plan, but there’s one more surprise left. In the next scene he storms into Professor Siebert’s office and demands that Amy’s name be included on the submission. “I will not be part of an award that does not recognize the value of her contributions,” he says. “You either include both of us in the recommendation letter or don’t bother writing one.” More of this Sheldon, please!
PHOTO: Michael Yarish
Surprisingly, Siebert doesn’t stand in Sheldon’s way. Siebert acknowledges that it might cause a fight with the other team, but he also respects Sheldon’s decision. “You and Dr. Fowler have my full support.”
Sheldon’s shocked, but also impressed with himself. I’m impressed with him, too. Amy can fight her own battles, but Sheldon’s looked up to superheroes his entire life—it’s nice to see him kind of turn into one, too.
Have I underestimated Colton Underwood? Because his latest tweets have shown more self-awareness than I originally thought was there. Take what he wrote after last week’s premiere, “I know the virginity thing is overplayed…. hang in there! You will find out other things about me, I promise.” A Bachelor…who actually…gets it? Can you believe?
And he’s right—literally the first thing we see after Chris Harrison says, “Tonight on The Bachelor…” is a shot of Colton in the shower while someone shouts, “He’s so hot!”
The point is, I like a self-aware Bachelor, and this gives me hope that the season might exceed expectations after all. The contestants, however, should probably channel some of that energy from Colton because things are getting banana nut crunch in the mansion. So let’s get right to it, shall we? Read our recap for episode two, below, and be aware: Spoilers ahead.
We open with Colton talking about the day ahead via a selfie video. It’s new format for The Bachelor, and I have a feeling it’s just an excuse to sneak in one more shirtless scene. Meanwhile, Chris Harrison arrives at the mansion to drop off the first date card and a little advice: Take advantage of any time you get with Colton. This wisdom is especially important for Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine, who all have the first group date of the season.
Today’s a damn good day to fall in love. —Chris Harrison
They all arrive at a theater to a big reveal: comedians and married couple Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are leading today’s date. They ask the women share a story about a “first time” in their life. Oh god, this is a nod to Colton’s virginity isn’t it? We can’t make it 30 minutes without someone bringing up this man’s sexual history. My hunch is confirmed as soon as Megan talks about the first time she had sex—or, as she puts it, “fucked someone.” Nick then describes the first time he “plucked the blossom” of a woman which is really just a story was about gardening….I hope.
“I wasn’t sure I was there for the right reasons.” —Megan Mullally
After a brief writing break, everyone presents their stories to an audience of ~200 people. Colton kicks it off by talking about his virginity. (Of course.) Elyse’s tale is about how she’s always dated old men—until Colton, her “first” younger guy. Demi thinks it’s “so brave” for Elyse to admit this because “there’s no advantage to being an older woman here.” Demi, what. The. Actual. Hell. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you!
Nicole describes the first time she dated a white guy, and it’s tragically cut short for Hannah G.’s snoozefest about getting her first impression rose. All we know about Bri’s story is that it’s about the first time she “felt comfortable” in her own skin.
Onyeka just describes saving Colton from “some bitches” on the first night, which prompts Catherine to hit back with her version of that argument. (Not sure what either story has to do with a first time, unless it was their first time being extra-extra.)
When it’s Tracy’s turn, she shares a wild tale about her college days, when she chased after a frat president who was a virgin and a sorority sister punched her in the face over it. It ends with this closing line, “When I got a hold of him he wasn’t a virgin anymore, but it was the best sex he’s ever had.”
Demi starts off by saying there was once someone she wanted to kiss but was too nervous. (Lies. Demi is never nervous.) But, she says, she learned she has to go after what she wants. (That’s the Demi we know.) Then she dramatically throws her notebook down and jumps off stage to kiss Colton in front of everyone.
PHOTO: Rick Rowell
Damn. Shots! Are! Fired!
This 100% goes over well with the other women. LOL. But Demi digs in further at the cocktail party, stealing Colton right after his toast for one-on-one time. She says without a touch of irony, “I’m a total woman supporter.” When she returns to the main room, she picks up the group date rose and jokes that it’s hers. This move makes Tracy so “sick to her stomach” that she spends the rest of the night complaining about it to whoever will listen. She eventually confronts Demi, who is like, “Oh, OK. Sorry.” Tracy pets her hair, which I’m not sure is a sign of forgiveness or a power move?
Either way, nothing’s going to keep Demi down. Not Elyse, even though Colton seems into the whole “cougar” thing. Not Nicole, who opens up to Colton about her twin brother having autism. Not even Hannah G., who makes out with Colton while Demi watches from the other room. Nope, Demi thinks Colton needs an aggressive, dominant girl and she is that.
“I am worth the world. I am amazing.” —Demi
Too bad Colton doesn’t seem to be on the same page: He gives the group date rose to Elyse.
The next day, Hannah B. gets a one-on-one date which is appropriate given it’s her birthday. She and Colton ride horses before chilling in a hot tub in the desert. It looks as awful as it sounds. Not helping things is the awkward conversation between Colton and Hannah B., full of long pauses and surface-level topics. At one point, he asks her to give a toast and she says “um” a hundred times before ending with, “Roll tide!”
This must be hard for Hannah B., who admits to the camera (but not Colton) that she puts a lot of pressure on herself. Sometimes she doesn’t feel good enough, and she’s self-aware about it. “When I start doubting myself,” she says, “then it spirals.” This is later confirmed by Caelynn back at the mansion; she tells one of the women that they were roommates during the Miss USA pageant. When Caelynn placed, Hannah B. got upset and “flipped a switch.” Have a feeling we’ll be seeing a lot more of this dynamic in the coming weeks.
Anyway, the dates is so bad that Colton calls Hannah B. out on it later that night, and she admits she was too nervous to open up. Her way of fixing this? To blurt out, “Like, why…are you a virgin?” This works enough to get her the rose.
Things get better the next day, which is a group date for Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlin, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather. Their destination: Camp Bachelor, where they play Duck Duck Goose, badminton, and touch football. It’s all very boring until my fave Billy Eichner shows up to be the camp counselor.
“Oh, that sounds like my camp experience.” — Billy
I could watch this banter all night, but apparently the point of the day is to have a competition between two teams. The losers go back to the mansion, while the winners get to stay overnight at the camp with Colton. I’ll spare you from recapping the canoe race and rope pulling—just know the red team wins.
They maximize this extra time with Colton, snuggling up to him by the fire and bonding over childhood stories. Heather gets the group date rose, though, for telling Colton she’s never been kissed. Spoiler: They don’t kiss.
At the cocktail ceremony the next night, several of the women are nervous that they haven’t had much time with Colton this week. Demi’s not nervous—because Demi is Demi—but she thinks the “older” women are going to be “aggressive” with the younger ones. What? The oldest women there, Tracy and Elyse, are both 31, which is STILL MUCH YOUNGER than last year’s Bachelor, Arie, who is 37. There is so much wrong with this. Ageism! Sexism! The patriarchy! Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Plus, Demi, if you want to see women being “aggressive” (even though I hate that word) just look at Sydney and Onyeka’s spat. It starts when Onyeka interrupts Sydney’s time with Colton by blasting an air horn in their faces. “I’m feeling just a little bit horny!” she jokes, which Colton probably did not hear because he must be deaf now. This pisses Sydney off, so she she finds her own noisemakers from the kitchen and bangs them in Onyeka’s face. Onyeka responds by calmly telling Sydney she’s not leaving. We never see how this is resolved.
“Is this to give us anxiety? Because we already have it.” —Caelynn
Later, when Tracy is talking to Colton, Demi shows up in a white robe whisks him away to her “fantasy closet.” That ends up just being a rushed over-the-shirt back rub, but everyone still complains this is a rude move. (Side note: Yes, Demi commands a lot of Colton’s time, but what are you all here for? This is The Bachelor, not I Love Being Single.)
I’m still mad at Demi over her “older women” comments, but I do respect her chutzpah. This is a woman who has no qualms yelling, “Hey, ladies! I totally just had an amazinggggg time with him” as soon as she returns to the group. When Tracy tells Demi what she did was “mean,” Demi takes a slow sip of her sangria and says, “You just keep on doing you.” I don’t need all of Demi’s confidence—that might be borderline delusion—but I would like just a teeny, tiny amount of it.
Tracy didn’t need to worry so much anyway—she gets a rose by the end of the night. The others go to Tayshia, Cassie, Caelynn, Courtney, Demi, Nicole, Kirpa, Hannah G., Catherine, Bri, Sydney, Onyeka, Katie, Erika, and Nina. (And, don’t forget, Hannah B., Elyse, and Heather got roses earlier in the episode.)
That means goodbye for Alex, Angelique, Annie, and Caitlin. We hardly knew ya!
See you all next week for: “Look at this flexibility!” “Colton’s not a stretching virgin anymore.” “I am annoyed by this conversation.” “There’s a beautiful monster inside of me.”
Before Jen and Sarah Hart adopted their second set of siblings in 2009, Devonte, Jeremiah, and Sierra had been—according to their Social Security cards—Devonta, Jermiah, and Ciera Davis, three children living in Houston, Texas, under the care of their mother, Sherry Hurd, and her boyfriend, Nathaniel Davis, whose last name the children took on even before the couple married in 2010. But in 2005, CPS removed the siblings from the Davises’ care—due in large part to Sherry’s record of substance abuse—and placed them in the Texas foster care system.
When this happened, the children’s aunt, Priscilla Celestine—the sister of the siblings’ birth father—fought to get them out, even moving to a new home and hiring an attorney to help plead her case. Celestine was ultimately successful in having them brought into her care, but not for long; a fateful decision to let the children’s mother watch them while Celestine worked one day resulted in the children’s permanent removal from the home—a home the Davis siblings had lived in for only five and a half months.
Despite trying to fight this decision, Celestine was ruled against by the presiding judge for that case, Patrick Shelton, who is now retired. In response to questions about how the Harts were allowed to adopt Devonte, Jeremiah, and Sierra after an allegation of child abuse had already been made against them, he pointed to the lack of criminal charges in the state of Minnesota. Shelton told criminal justice site The Appeal: “Unless there’s a criminal charge, what can you do? Believe it or not, kids get bruises that do not get beat.” Shelton also denies reports that he, or his associate judge, favored nonrelative adoptions over placement with family members.
PHOTO: Nathaniel Davis
PHOTO: Nathaniel Davis
PHOTO: Nathaniel Davis
The agency that later facilitated Jen and Sarah’s adoption of the Davis siblings closed in 2011, but at the time it was known as the Permanent Family Resource Center. According to a 28-page report filed by the Minnesota Department of Human Services in September 2009, only months after Jen and Sarah officially adopted their second set of siblings through the agency, the organization was placed on conditional status after accruing 17 licensing violations, ranging from failing to submit paperwork to failure to complete proper background checks on participating families. For perspective, over the past ten years, the Minnesota DHS has issued only three conditional licenses for child placement agencies.
Back when the Harts were clients, the Permanent Family Resource Center ran the Waiting Children Program, a service that provided families in Minnesota and North Dakota with access to foster kids living in Texas, Washington, Ohio, Idaho, Oregon, California, and Florida. The website reads: “Children in this program are living in foster homes or residential facilities and a termination of parental rights (TPR) has occurred. They are legally available for adoption. The average wait for a child after approval of the home assessment is between six months and three years. Individual circumstances and conditions in specific programs may involve a longer waiting period.”
It took Jen and Sarah Hart less than a year to legally adopt Devonte, Jeremiah, and Sierra.
PHOTO: Courtesy of the Minnesota Department of Human Services
The beginning of the letter from Minnesota DHS to the adoption agency that places the agency on conditional status for years of sloppy paperwork and failing to keep complete records about adoptive families.
As with many who knew the Harts, Shonda Jones—the attorney who represented Celestine in court—takes issue with the disconnect between the facts that emerged after the fatal March crash and the fiction Jen Hart presented on Facebook. She recalls reading a post wherein Jen describes a particular incident of racism involving a store clerk and Devonte. “I read this article where I think one of the adoptive moms had said she was in a store,” Jones says. “She was in a store and she was checking out and a cashier, and I think an older gentleman, the impression was that it was an older white gentleman and a cashier who was also Caucasian, were having this discussion about Devonte, asking him something about whether he was gonna play sports.”
In the November 2014 post, Jen describes an incident in the checkout line of a grocery store wherein she says the Caucasian man in front of her takes one look at Devonte and says, “I can tell you are going to be a baseball player when you grow up.” According to Jen’s post, when Devonte says he’s actually not interested in the sport, the Caucasian woman bagging the groceries allegedly replies: “WHAT!?!? I have NEVER met a kid that looks like you that doesn’t play sports,” to which the man reportedly says: “Right?! Never. They all do.” Jen goes on to lament having to watch her child be subjected to what she calls “ongoing racial stereotyping.” But Jones doesn’t believe the incident ever actually took place. In fact, in her opinion: “It never happened.”
PHOTO: Jennifer Hart Facebook
Friends of the Harts often recount the stories Jen and Sarah told about how unwelcoming their neighbors were, how much abuse this unconventional family faced, and how “unsafe” it was for them at times. But Bill Groener, who lived next door to the Harts back in West Linn, Oregon, believes that this was a tactical move on the mothers’ part. Maintaining a sense of fear may have helped Jen and Sarah keep the ongoing abuse under wraps.
But was this all truly calculated, as Groener suspects? Or was it just ignorance at work? In a July 2016 Facebook post, Jen shares seemingly heartfelt frustrations on the topic of systemic racism. Her words and anguish feel genuine. “My beautiful black boys,” she writes alongside a picture of Jeremiah and Devonte smiling in hoodies and beanies. “We talk endlessly about the realities of this world. So much beauty—so much pain and suffering. These boys live and lead with love, but I will never deny them their human right to be frustrated, sad, and ANGRY about the perpetual violence and murder of people of color…My feed is filled with people (white and POC) that want to help make a difference, but are completely at a loss of what to do. Opening up and breaking the silence is a start, because white silence is black death. If that statement makes you uncomfortable, I’m not sorry. Black pain matters. Black anger matters. BLACK LIVES MATTER.”
PHOTO: Zippy Lomax
(From left) Jen Hart, Jeremiah Hart, Sarah Hart (in background), Devonte Hart, Nusheen Bakhtiar, and Sierra Hart (holding Nusheen’s hands) at the Beloved Festival in 2013
Back in 2007, after Jen and Sarah adopted Markis, Hannah, and Abigail, a case worker visited the women’s home in Minnesota. Her findings were positive—she recommended that Jen and Sarah be allowed to adopt a sibling group of up to five more children. Her report, filed on July 11, 2007 read: “The Harts are open to any race and gender, although they would prefer to have at least one boy in the sibling group. Jen and Sarah have adopted biracial children and they have the tools and knowledge to adopt more children from the African American heritage. They are prepared to advocate for their children and to secure the necessary services to support their family.” But what does it mean to be a white advocate for black children?
PHOTO: Courtesy of the Clark County Sheriff’s office
A public document showing the results of the home study wherein Jen and Sarah Hart were preparing to adopt Devonte, Jeremiah, and Sierra
A 2015 evaluation of data on 600 children adopted in Minnesota, the same state where all six Hart children first lived with Jen and Sarah, examined whether being raised by someone of a different race is inherently damaging. The conclusion: not necessarily. Emma Hamilton, the lead author and a doctoral candidate in counseling psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, put it this way: “Being raised by someone of a different race is not inherently damaging to the development of the adoptees, but that much depends on how white parents talk about race with their children of color and help them identify with people of their own race.”
Jen and Sarah Hart spun alarmingly effective stories—particularly on Facebook—that neatly explained away the kids’ strange behavior while simultaneously covering up the truth. They kept Markis, Hannah, Devonte, Abigail, Jeremiah, and Sierra from being able to connect with people who had similar backgrounds. They kept the neighbors from interfering. And most importantly, they ensured that the voices of Hart children were never, ever heard. But what was their motive?
That, and more, next time on Broken Harts.
Subscribe now to our new podcast, Broken Harts, from Glamour and HowStuffWorks and based on this story from the October 2018 issue of Glamour. New episodes will air each Tuesday; find them on Apple, Google, Spotify, or wherever you like to get your podcasts. For the full transcript of this episode, click here. Have any tips, feedback, or questions? Email us at brokenhartspodcast@gmail.com
For the first time ever, The Big Bang Theory has left me speechless about a scene and it has nothing to do with science, physics, engineering, or Super Asymmetry. Nope, it’s all about relationship—Penny and Leonard’s, specifically. Next week’s episode better reveal that this one—”The Propagation Proposition”—was all a bad dream; otherwise, I’m not going to make it through the rest of the season.
But before we get to that, let’s rewind a bit: This episode is a continuation from last week, when Raj and Anu fought over a doorbell camera and an ex-boyfriend. OK, so their issues might have been bigger than that, but the whole thing escalated beyond reason. In tonight’s episode, Raj tries to win Anu back by showing up at her door Love, Actually style with sweet notecards. To make a long story short, the two decide to get back together and start over without rushing things.
Michael Yarish
There’s only one problem: Raj never bothers to ask about Anu’s ex-boyfriend, the guy who instigated this whole misunderstanding in the first place. And Anu never brings him up! So we still don’t know who the hell this guy is, whether she still has feelings for him, or why he’s in her life. I think that’s pretty important to talk about.
Anyway, moving on to more important matters… Penny runs into her ex-boyfriend, Zack, and he tells her he sold his company, made a bunch of money, and got married. Zack’s not the brightest, but his life choices sound pretty smart. He tells Penny she and Leonard should come over for dinner on his new boat. When Leonard hears about this, he’s understandably not too excited to dine with Zack and his wife. He’s right. There’s no reason to be excited to dine with your wife’s ex-boyfriend and his new wife on their expensive boat.
But this being a sitcom, it’s never that easy. Leonard and Penny go to Zack’s boat for dinner and trade eye rolls all night over how two these two have managed to live the high life despite being, well, dumb. Before they can figure that out, though, Zack drops a bombshell: he and his wife want a baby, but they can’t on their own…or at least Zack can’t. Since Leonard is the smartest person they know, they want Leonard to donate his sperm for their baby. (What? I can’t, you guys. I just can’t.)
Leonard is flattered, but Penny is dumbfounded. Then Leonard says he doesn’t know what to say. “Really? You don’t know what to say?” Penny responds. “I think we should talk about this,” Leonard says. Uh, Leonard, the answer is “no.”
But of course, Leonard doesn’t say that. Instead, they apparently tell Zack and his wife that they’ll think about it, because in the next scene, Penny tells Amy and Bernadette about the absurdity of the situation. “Leonard just stood there with a big dumb smile on his face like he was watching a puppy and a monkey make friends,” she says. “We got into a huge fight about it. He said if I don’t want to have his baby then why shouldn’t someone else be able to?”
So now Penny is being punished for not wanting to have kids? And does Leonard not understand that donating his sperm doesn’t really make him a dad? Zack would be the father of this baby.
While Penny is talking to Amy and Bernadette, Leonard tells Sheldon he doesn’t see why Penny is so against donating his sperm to Zack and his wife. Sheldon, the voice of reason, tells Leonard he hasn’t considered the emotional toll of knowing there’s a child out there who’s biologically his but not actually his to raise. “Wow, that’s really insightful,” Leonard says. Seriously, Leonard? You didn’t realize that for yourself?
The Bachelor is back for another season, and you know what that means: another round of giving up Monday nights to watch women in sequined dresses compete for a guy who addresses Bachelor Nation as “Hey, bro!”:
Reader, I cannot wait. Colton Underwood’s search for love is bound to be a wild ride. Of course, it helps that I’m more invested in his journey than Arie’s, though I am already over the show’s non-stop references to his virginity. Colton has more interesting personality traits than that…right? Actually, don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter anyway, because we all know the contestants fuel the drama and comedy around here. Which is why I’m going to stop with this preamble and get straight to the recap. Spoilers ahead. (Note: I’m skipping the live event coverage, sorry!)
We start with Cassie, a woman with exactly zero flaws. She has perfect teeth! She surfs! She’s smart! She works with children! She pulls off striped pants without looking like a clown! Cassie is a reminder that the women on The Bachelor are practically perfect, while the male contestants for The Bachelorette are like, “Hey, I’m a personal trainer and by personal trainer I mean I work out in my garage with my dad sometimes.” A guy on The Bachelorette can imply that victims of a school shooting are crisis actors and win. A female contestant on The Bachelor, however, can be a man’s fiancé and still get dumped on national TV for the season’s third Lauren. Men.
We then meet Hannah B. She’s from Alabama and our heir to Raven and Tia’s Southern Queen throne. Hannah B. stands on the side of the road begging trucks to honk for “Roll tide,” which is something that can only be cute in the Bachelor universe. If your friend was like, “I’m moving to California to be in a relationship with one man and 29 women but first let me stand by this highway for an hour,” you would have QUESTIONS. But Hannah B. is Miss Alabama, so I think she’ll be OK navigating the murky waters of a rose ceremony cocktail hour.
“I’m a total trainwreck. … The hot mess express, and I’m the conductor!” — Hannah B.
Katie is 26, from the east coast, and living in Los Angeles to pursue her dreams of becoming a dancer. There’s a whole scene of her dancing, I think, but her moves mostly involve waving her arms around in the air (like she just doesn’t care). Katie likes Colton because he’s her type: “blond hair, green eyes, athletic, super kind, kind of weird.”
Moving on to Heather, a 22-year-old California babe who’s never had sex or even been kissed before. Heather seems sweet and does not deserve whatever “OMG two virgins?!?!” storyline we’re undoubtedly about to see.
Onyekachukwu Ehie (a.k.a. Onyeka) claims she’s a lot to handle but doesn’t care what people think—usually the sign of a soon-to-be villain edit. She might be a good match for Colton, though: Her parents dated two weeks before getting engaged—they’ve been married 28 years—so she’s not bothered by the short time frame of a Bachelor production cycle.
Next is Nicole, a gorgeous woman who says it’s hard to be single in Miami if you’re attractive. What? Please explain. “Like, when I go out clubbing, you’re not going to meet eligible bachelors.” Oh, OK, so…don’t do that? You know there are other options, like getting set up by friends and dating apps? Applying to a reality show, especially this reality show, should be the last resort. I can’t be too harsh on Nicole, though, because we’re shown a very adorable moment with her brother AJ, who has autism.
I also can’t get a full read on Kirpa, a dental hygienist who hopes Colton flosses. For some reason she reminds me a little bit of Raquel from Vanderpump Rules, in a good way. It seems like they might have the same sweet naiveté—but at least Kirpa’s not dating a DJ who screams about summer bodies.
Demi is a “sassy” country girl who loves four-wheeling, skateboarding, and Texas. She reveals that her mom is in federal prison for embezzlement, which is new for The Bachelor. Her mom’s about to get out soon, but instead of spending time with her family or preparing for that Demi is off to the Bachelor mansion. Her only concern: Colton’s virginity. Because, “If you’ve only had a vanilla cupcake, how do you know you don’t like chocolate? Or strawberry?” Luckily she’s “the damn confetti cake.”
That leads us to our first shot of Colton, a thirst-trap scene of him showering outside while sexy rock music plays. My God, Bachelor editors, why are you so obsessed with this man’s virginity?
As if that weren’t enough, poor Colton has to talk about what it’s like to be the “first virgin Bachelor” over a montage of him working out and showering again. If The Bachelor is to be believed, then a day in the life of Colton is just showering, getting sweaty, showering, and talking about sex. Not the worst day, I guess. Colton opens up about not fitting in as a kid; he eventually found confidence through football, but he was too busy to find love. He says he was ready to have sex with Becca, but then she dumped him. Yikes.
In a sit down with Chris Harrison, Colton is told he was a “controversial” choice. They talk about the negative reaction and comments and…hold on a minute. Googles everything I’ve written about Colton. ? “I can see where they come from,” Colton says, kindly. “I get it.” He’s not here to win over the fans, or me, or Chris—he’s in it for himself. Chris Harrison brings up Colton’s virginity and implies that’s a reason some of us weren’t on board. Uh, no. I thought Colton wasn’t ready to be The Bachelor because he strung along Tia in Paradise while crying over Becca. Why would I cheer for that over cutie pies Jason and Blake?
“There’s always a stigma around being a virgin…” – Colton “He’s not a man!” – Chris Harrison
Now, it’s time for the limo arrivals. Our girl Demi is the first one out and drops this line: “So, I have not dated a virgin since I was 12, but I’m excited to give it another shot.” Poor Colton has to stand there and smile and be so patient with all this virgin nonsense. If I were him, I’d be like:
Instead he says, “All right. I love that!”
Tayshia is next, followed by “Never Been Kissed” Heather. On behalf of Bachelor Nation, I want to apologize to all the virgins who’ve ever appeared on this franchise. That includes Ashley I.
Nicole steps out in a green dress that is a lewk, and I love it. Caelynn is Miss North Carolina, so maybe she knows Hannah B.? If we can have four Laurens, we can certainly have two beauty queens. Sydney is an NBA dancer who says she had to choose between quitting her job and coming here to meet Colton. She thinks she made the right choice, but I say it’s TBD.
Elyse has Amy Adams hair realness going on. Tahzjuan’s entire bit is about how to pronounce her name. Maybe if everyone wasn’t named Lauren she wouldn’t have to do that but here we are. Cassie packed a box with fake butterflies, and Colton keeps one. Ooh, she’s getting the wifey edit. Kirpa is here, followed by Caitlin with a red balloon so they can “pop his cherry.” Make it stop.
“I mean, he is just a big, huge teddy bear who makes me feel like a little tiny baby, and I loved it.” – Demi
Cue a montage of virgin jokes and sexual innuendos. “Have you ever tasted a Georgia peach?” from Courtney. Katie makes a “V card” joke. Alex D. dressed like a sloth because he “takes things slowly.” Nicole has taken on the “voice of the audience” role, quipping about how lame the virginity jokes are and giving a side eye to Alex’s sloth costume.
PHOTO: Rick Rowell
Onyeka also tells Colton how to pronounce her name, while Erika brings a bag of nuts because her last name is Mcnutt. Hannah B. does a “roll tide!” before going into the mansion and revealing that, yup, she and Miss North Carolina know each other. Caelynn was first runner up at Miss USA and beat Hannah, but Hannah is cool with it: “I just hope we don’t have to kill each other.”
Tracy, she of problematic tweets, pulls up in a cop car because she is the fashion police. Nicole is happy a stylist has arrived because she’s never seen so many sequins in her life, which cues the arrival of Angelique and Devin, both in sparkles.
Nicole is like, well, at least I stood out by speaking Spanish! Cut to Revian speaking in Mandarin and Nina in Croatian. Alex B. does the Love Actually card move because she’s too sick to speak. Then Bri takes it to another level by talking in an Australian accent. And twist: She’s not Australian, she just did that to stand out. Can’t wait to see how that plays out.
Moving on, Hannah G. gives Colton his “favorite brand of underwear,” an empty box. (Get it?) Annie hugs. Jane Photoshops a photo of his dog next to her dog.
Meanwhile, Caelynn is still waiting for the girl that’s gonna stir the pot—or as she calls her, “that bitch”—and surprise! She’s here: Catherine, a 26-year-old DJ from Ft. Lauderdale. She brought her dog, Lucy, along to give to Colton. Um, wouldn’t he prefer having his own dog to take care of instead of your elderly Pomeranian? I’d be concerned about the kind of person willing to dump their beloved pet onto a stranger so they can drink rosé with 30 women. Chris Harrison steps in to dog sit, and you better believe he’s getting a raise for this shit. He has not spent years dealing with tears, the Paradise humidity, and Juan Pablo just to add “dog walker” to his résumé.
PHOTO: Rick Rowell
A horse-drawn carriage then comes up carrying Erin. She’s wearing blue, her job description says Cinderella, and she leaves a shoe behind as she tells Colton to find her before the clock strikes midnight. Your move, Snow White.
“Wow, I really could have done a lot more than a bag of nuts.” – Erika
Time to check in with Colton: He’s ready to enter the Lion’s den. Demi grabs Colton first after his speech. After they talk, she’s confident that he already has a crush on her. I must adopt this for my 2019 mood.
Erika Mcnutt is like, “WHY IS HE A VIRGIN. I MUST FIND OUT.” Sweetie, chill. He doesn’t even know your name yet.
Colton talks to a few of the women—Kirpa, Laura, and Hannah G.—before bonding with Caelynn over their desire to have kids. Their talk goes so well, in fact, we get our first kiss of the night. The verdict? “He kisses very well for a virgin.” (PS: She kind of looks like a pageant queen Miley Cyrus, no?)
PHOTO: Rick Rowell
After this, Chris Harrison puts the first impression rose on the coffee table. The mood instantly changes—even the sloth’s claws are out. The women are all, “Where’s Colton? I NEED MY TIME.”
I’ll tell you where he is: with Sydney, who’s organized a super romantic date out on the driveway. There’s a string quartet playing “Clair De Lune” as she teaches Colton how to dance. The women hear the music and come out to creep, exclaiming, “Oh my God, he’s falling in love right now.”
That’s not the only big move: Elyse is from Alaska, so she suggests fishing in the pool. Cute idea on paper, but she basically throws a salmon carcass into the water and asks Colton to drag it out. I really hope production drained the pool after that.
PHOTO: Rick Rowell
Speaking of dates, Tayshia set up a carnival called Tayshialand. That is so extra, I love it. Tayshialand has pony rides, corn hole, and…well, that’s it. Catherine the DJ’s opinion of these dates? “Girls, calm down.”
Somebody who doesn’t need to calm down: the sloth, who is literally hanging out in a tree. Sloth eventually, slowly, climbs down to talk to Colton, and a few of the women discuss how weird this is without being bitchy. I’m impressed. The conversation goes like this:
“The sloth’s kind of weird, but I bet she’s nice.”
“I want her to slip that sloth head off and be a fierce ass bitch!”
“Oh, she’s got good hair!”
Catherine the DJ is finally enjoying her solo time with Colton while Chris Harrison is stuck walking Lucy the dog around and cleaning up its poo. But soon, Tracy comes over and cuts in. Catherine agrees to leave, but changes her mind two seconds later and steals Colton back. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your coloring,” she tells him, “But I think our conversation might be a little more important.”
The women are annoyed that Catherine’s stolen extra time, so Oneyka walks over in a snorkel, blows on a whistle, and says, “Colton, I heard you were drowning in some bitches!” I. Am. Dead. Catherine thinks this is tacky, but game recognizes game so she steps away.
But then, Catherine comes over and interrupts Colton’s talk with yet another woman. This third interruption has everyone fired up, so Onyeka takes it upon herself to call Catherine on her bullshit, telling her she looks “desperate.” Catherine says she doesn’t want any bad blood with the women, and Onyeka, a genius, uses that opportunity to say, “Exactly! I’m looking out for you at this point.” Catherine blames the whole thing on “haters.” They hug.
But! Catherine goes and does it again, interrupting Tahzjuan’s time with Colton. The look on his face as this happens is a mix of fear, intrigue, confusion, and disbelief.
Apparently this was finally enough time for Catherine, because the rest of the night Colton’s able to talk to other women. He even makes out with Cassie and Katie. However, the first impression rose goes to Hannah G. Colton says she reminds him of home, and he liked that she owned her nervousness because he’s nervous too. They kiss, the music swells, and the other women go into panic mode.
A perfect time for the rose ceremony! The roses, besides Hannah G.’s, go to: Caelynn, Katie, Alex B., Hannah B., Onyeka, Caitlin, Annie, Kirpa, Heather, Elyse, Tayshia, Courtney, Cassie, Demi, Nina, Erika, Sydney, Bri, Angelique, Tracy, Nicole, and Catherine. That means we must say goodbye to Tahzjuan, Erin, Devin, Jane, Alex D., Laura, and Revian. We’ll miss you!
What was happening with the Harts in real life—behind the pixels, in ordinary time? How did Jen and Sarah Hart—“adventurous, tree-hugging, free-spirited peaceniks,” as Jen called them on Facebook—go from being groovy trailblazers to moms who abused their six kids and drove off a cliff?
On March 23, Dana DeKalb, who lives next door to the Hart family in Woodland, Washington, places a call to CPS to report what she believes to be abuse happening in the Hart home. A caseworker visits the Harts that Friday, the 23rd, after Dana’s call, and follows up again on the 26th. When she’s unable to connect with the Harts either day, she calls 911. But by the time authorities show up to the Harts’ home, the family is already on the run.
In a call to Child Protective Services on the 26th, you can hear the Clark County Social Services caseworker requesting a welfare check on the Harts at the family’s home in Woodland, Washington.
As it turns out, Jen and Sarah Hart have a long history of reported abuse and neglect, which, according to police reports, begins in September of 2008 when someone at Washington Elementary School in Alexandria, Minnesota, notices a suspicious bruise on Hannah Hart’s arm; Hannah claims the mark is the result of her mother’s striking her with a belt. When Sarah and Jen are questioned, they tell police that the bruise was likely from a fall down stairs.
Two years later, in November of 2010, another report is filed; this time the subject is Abigail, who is in the first grade. The report claims she was stealing her classmates’ food and digging through the garbage. Later that month, Abigail reports “owies” to her teacher. According to a report later compiled by the Oregon Department of Human Services: “Abigail had bruising on her stomach area from her sternum to waistband, and bruising on her back from mid-back to upper buttocks, reportedly caused by Jen Hart (according to Abigail). But in the CPS interview with the couple, Sarah Hart said she is responsible for the marks. The worker said this incident was over a penny. They had discovered a penny in Abigail’s pocket and asked her about it, and Abigail said she found it. Jen and Sarah Hart did not believe her, and said she stole the penny, and was lying about it, hence the spanking—‘which got out of control,’ per Sarah Hart. Abigail also said they put her head under cold water, and Jen had her two hands on her neck.” Upon questioning the other Hart kids, investigators learn the children are often grounded, spanked, or sent to bed without food.
In December of 2010, Minnesota Child Welfare learns about a bruise on Hannah’s hand. By this point she is in third grade. When she’s questioned, Hannah claims Jen hits her all the time. Later the school nurse calls the Hart home to report that Hannah is asking her classmates for food, saying she hasn’t eaten all day. Sarah’s response is simply: “She’s playing the food card. Just give her water.” The following April, Jen and Sarah pull all six children from school.
But despite these continued complaints to Child Services, many of those closest to the Harts are reportedly unaware of the abuse. In an interview with Bill Groener—the Harts’ neighbor in West Linn, Oregon, where the family lives for four years before they move next door to the DeKalbs in Woodland, Washington—Groener says he had no idea that child abuse allegations had been filed against Jen and Sarah, and that he “wishes there would have been something” that tipped him off.
It seems the Hart matriarchs have become experts at fooling those around them into believing their home was one filled with love and laughter, and on Facebook, Jen continues to craft lengthy, emphatic posts describing the family’s adventures. In one particular instance, in December of 2012, Jen writes that she’s been in a car accident with the kids in Missoula, Montana. The car she is driving at the time is the family’s Yukon—the same one that later goes off the cliff. Jen describes the accident at length, but a thorough investigation does not turn up any record of the accident Jen describes, and a Carfax report of the Yukon shows no body work was performed on the car around the time Jen claims the accident occurs.
PHOTO: Carfax
In another post to her page, this time from June of 2013, Jen shares a photo of a strikingly thin Devonte, naked and playing the guitar. In the post, Jen shares an exchange with her son, wherein she asks him: “Any particular reason you are naked?” to which he allegedly replies: “I’m not naked. I’m wearing a guitar.” The exchange and photo are intended to be funny, showing a thick-as-thieves bond between mother and son. But instead the post raises red flags. Why would a boy of Devonte’s age be so small and frail? Friends of the Harts—both those on Facebook and those who knew the family from the music festival circuit—were frequently told by Jen and Sarah that the children were “crack babies” who were developmentally delayed, giving friends and acquaintances reason to believe that was the cause of the children’s small stature; meanwhile, the children are frequently asking neighbors and classmates for food.
A few short weeks after Jen posts this photo to Facebook, an anonymous whistleblower reports the parents to CPS. A doctor who later examines the children for the Oregon Department of Human Services finds that all but one of the Hart kids—Jeremiah—are behind in their growth to the point of falling off the chart for their ages. The doctor recommends that a caseworker monitor the family and request follow-up physicals in six months, though there is no record of this ever happening.
Online, Jen paints the portrait of a happy, healthy family, but as one anonymous whistleblower tells authorities: “Jen does this thing for her Facebook page, where the kids pose and are made to look like one big happy family, but after the photo event they go back to looking lifeless.”
So what, then, was the truth? That, and more, coming up on Broken Harts.
Subscribe now to our new podcast, Broken Harts, from Glamour and HowStuffWorks and based on this story from the October 2018 issue of Glamour. New episodes will air each Tuesday; find them on Apple, Google, Spotify, or wherever you like to get your podcasts. For the full transcript of this episode, click here. Have any tips, feedback, or questions? Email us at brokenhartspodcast@gmail.com
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