With 18 women left—or, as Chris Harrison says so bluntly at the top of the episode, “Bad news is: There’s a lot of you”—there’s a lot to discuss this week. We (meaning me and these 18 future Instagram models) must use our time wisely, so let’s get right to the recap, shall we?
We start right away with the first group date: wrestling. Every season, The Bachelor organizes an activity that exploits the whole “girl fight” narrative with literal girl fights. It’s super gross—and the fetishized wrestling costumes certainly don’t help—but then again, here I am watching this show so I can’t get too far up on my feminist high horse. On the bright side, maybe this will encourage Bachelor fans to go check out GLOW on Netflix. It’s wonderful.
What’s not wonderful, though, is the acronym they use for the show: G.L.O.B., which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Bachelor. Get outta here with that, Chris Harrison.
“I want to make a good impression on Arie, but I’m getting my ass beat
today.” – To be honest, I’m not completely sure who said this.
Arie comes out masked as the kissing bandit to introduce two original G.L.O.W. women: Ursula, who wrestled as ‘The Farmer’s Daughter,’ and Angelina, who was known as ‘Little Egypt.’ They’re here to teach the women some moves, and Bekah M. is here for it. Lauren B., however, can’t stop nervous laughing. “The whole acting part, that’s where my struggle is,” she says. Um, I don’t know about that. You’ve done a great job pretending to be into Arie so far.
Ursula and Angelina are brutal with the women. At one point, Angelina goes off on Bibiana and makes fun of the spelling of her name which is incredibly rude and problematic, even if it’s all just an act. Angelina attacks Tia, too. When Angelina threatens to beat her up, Tia says, “I would let you.” LOL. Upset, Tia leaves the ring to go cry in a corner with Bibiana, where they bond over their mutual hatred of Angelina and women’s wrestling.
“I get you’re trying to be tough, but like, you’re a f-cking old
wrestler.” – Bibiana
Tia does not appreciate the “bad vibes” Angelina and Ursula have brought to the group date. As she says, “I don’t want to sit on the sidelines, but I also don’t want to look that rude ass woman in the face.” She doesn’t get much of a choice, though, as it’s time to create their alter egos and perform in front of a live audience.
And there’s a surprise twist: Kenny is here to wrestle Arie!!!! Kenny, if you win do you get to come in and take Arie’s place this season? Please, please, please say it’s so. Kenny wastes no team beating Arie up, making this officially my favorite scene of the season. But it’s a bittersweet moment, because it makes me miss Kenny and what could have been. Sadly, he must go so the women can wrestle and my heart breaks.
First up is Bekah as a sex kitten against Maquel as a lunch lady. Maquel, who did you piss off? That costume is rough stuff. The next match is Krystal as a cougar vs. Jacqueline as, I think, a beauty queen? Krystal goes full-on into this because she’s secretly a scary person.
“I had so much fun.” – Krystal about nearly murdering a woman.
The match between Marikh and Lauren B. gets…kinda sexual. I hope this was not producer-coerced and rather the spark of something new. They clearly have more chemistry with each other than either do with Arie. They should run away together, IMO.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
The final match is Tia as a southern bell against Bibiana as Bridezilla. They have fun with it, prompting Tia to declare that she “surprisingly liked” wrestling after all.
At the after party, Krystal immediately steals Arie away using her sexy baby voice. Annoyed, Bibiana feels she must voice her concerns about Krystal with Arie, which is the WORST idea. Seriously, when in the history of Bachelor Nation has that ever worked out for a contestant? Rule number one: Never, ever, ever tattle tale or you will be the one to go home.
Once she’s back with the group, Krystal asks the others if they’ve talked to Arie and she’s met with complete silence. But Krystal seems unconcerned about their attitude because she’s 100% certain she and Arie have the strongest relationship—based on pretty much no evidence, but I still admire her confidence.
Tia and Arie discuss why she was upset during the date and he confesses he was turned on by how helpless she was and that he could save her. Man, do they love traditional gender roles on The Bachelor. Still, Tia’s into it, so you do you.
Later, Bekah snuggles into Arie while wearing a very cute oversized jean jacket. They make out, and he does a lot of face touching and oh wow this is quickly escalating because now she is straddling and grinding him. So, not surprisingly, the date rose goes to Bekah. Naturally, Krystal is very confused about this development. She takes this to mean she should “step up her game,” so everyone watch the hell out.
The next day, for their solo date, Lauren S. heads to Napa with Arie. The idea of spending hours alone with Arie is unappealing to me, but at least there’s wine.
“This is a very Lauren S. date.” – Lauren S.
On the date, they toast grapes, sip wine, and talk about how much they love going to bed early. This launches a very long, very boring conversation about sleeping and you know what’s hard to stay awake during to recap? A long, boring conversation about sleeping. However, Lauren S. decides this means they’re compatible….because they both like going to a winery and sleeping. Uh, yeah, everyone likes those things.
Over dinner, Lauren S. talks non-stop. She even knows she’s messing up and yet still can’t stop. Girl, SHHHHHH. It’s so bad that Arie tells Lauren S. he can’t give her the rose. He doesn’t want to waste her time because he’s not feeling it—and this might be the first time I’m actually on Arie’s side. That date was super awkward. I’m just sad Lauren S. hasn’t had more time to build up her social media fanbase for the inevitable #sponcon career she launches after this. After she leaves, Aries listens to a string quartet by himself and walks around holding the rose dramatically. Back at the mansion, a man comes in for the Dramatic Suitcase Exit. Krystal gives a sinister grin but then says this bullshit line: “She’s really such a beautiful soul.” She also uses this opportunity to give the women her “advice” about how to win over Arie. Naturally, this does not go over well.
“Stop being so condescending because, like, you met his dog.” –
Caroline
The next day, the women partake in another costumed competition group date. But this one is way, way better because they get to play with puppies who can do tricks! Most of the women have the expected reaction to cute puppies (excitement), with one exception: Annaliese, the woman who had that traumatic bumper car experience, says she also had a “traumatic experience” with a dog (that was literally named Sunshine) as a kid. Meanwhile, Tia and Bibiana take a moment to pray because “Jesus needs to take the wheel.”
“Dear God, thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for my friend
Tia. And let one of those girls get bitten by a puppy.” – Bibiana
The competition portion of the date does not go smoothly. Everything is cringe-worthy: The dogs are not behaving and are pooping everywhere. A random child literally wanders up onto the stage mid-performance. Fred Willard, who is there to guest judge, makes horrible “doggy style” jokes. Children in the audience scream and cry. It’s all very bizarre. Honestly, these dogs deserve better. And yet, at the after party, Chelsea tells Arie the date was “amazing” and “symbolic of my own life.” (What does that even mean?)
The rest of this group date is just as strange. At one point in the evening, Arie claims he dated people he knew weren’t ready for marriage after Emily’s season because it was a defense mechanism. Or…you could just be a horny dude who was capitalizing on his fame from the series by hooking up with fans? I don’t know, just a theory.
“Today was really fun. I love today.” – a sentient potato
The rose goes to Chelsea, which sends everyone else on a spiral about where they stand with Arie. This, of course, creates a chaotic environment for the cocktail pre-rose ceremony party. Driven by her hatred of Krystal, Bibiana makes a “little romantic set up” (some pillows and a telescope) to show Arie how much she cares. But, hilariously, Arie stumbles onto the scene with Lauren B. before Bibiana gets a chance to show him. Oopsie. He likes it so much, in fact, that he takes it over and brings more women there. When Bibiana tries to get her time with him—at the date spot she set up herself, no less—he asks her to wait five minutes.
During his conversation with Bekah, she completely calls Arie out and tells him he’s scared of her because he wants a woman who’s dependent on him. To his credit, Arie’s impressed that she can see through his bullshit so clearly.
“I think you know that I don’t need you.” – Bekah to Arie. Respect.
While Bekah is charming Arie (and me, honestly), Annaliese is freaking out because she hasn’t kissed Arie yet. She decided tonight’s the night and smears goopy gloss all over lips. Annaliese, have you ever kissed with that stuff on? I promise you, it’s not the way to go. Once she gets alone time with him, Annaliese awkwardly declares she’s ready to kiss. But…he’s not into it. “I just don’t think we’re there yet,” he tells her. I respect that. (Side note: What is happening? Why am I agreeing with Arie so much this episode?) Sorry, Annaliese, but I think it’s time to start packing your bags. After he leaves, Chelsea comes into the room to comfort Annaliese and give her horrible advice: to go talk to him again and find out why he doesn’t want to kiss.
While Annaliese cries to Chelsea, the show cuts to a tipsy-seeming Jenna straddling Arie. I am dead. Which is good, because I don’t want to be alive to watch Annaliese talk to Arie again.
“I literally can’t watch.” – Bekah is me.
Once confronted by Annaliese, Arie confesses that there isn’t a future for them. She’s sad to leave, but at least she doesn’t have to suffer through a Traumatic Experience Rose Ceremony.
Quick update: Bibiana has yet to bring Arie to her special date spot.
The rose ceremony is quick and uneventful: Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh all get roses. That means Bibiana is going home. In her exit interview, she wants “everyone to know” that she’s tried. At what, I’m not sure, but I wish her all the luck! We close on Annaliese describing in great detail all of her traumatic dog experiences, including the time she had to wear Uggs to take out the trash so her neighbor’s dog couldn’t get to her ankles. Another time, her friend’s dog had puppies and they came into the room while she was sleeping. Seriously.
Next week: “We’re in Tahoe!”
