These days avoiding talking about politics is like trying to eat organic at Taco Bell—well-intentioned but ultimately pointless. Whether you thrive on lively debates or dread confrontation, complex and divisive issues are bound to dominate our national consciousness (and conversation) for the next four years. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it: Instead of opting out of tough exchanges, learn how to fight by staying present, standing tall, and speaking up about what matters most to you. As Hillary Clinton recently said in her first video message since Trump took office: “We need strong women to step up and speak out. We need you to dare greatly and lead boldly.”
With so many people’s basic civil rights already under threat by the Trump administration, millennial women no longer have the luxury of taking ours for granted. “To women who are silent because they feel like they’re not a subject-matter expert, I would say that everything starts with a point of view,” says Bo, a 28-year-old product manager in New York City. “If you stay silent, you unwittingly become complicit in what’s happening around you. Stay informed, develop your opinions, and become a fully voiced woman.”
But if you’d still rather jump into the Arctic in February than start a political debate, there are some strategies that can help. Below, experts in the fields of communication and persuasion share their best tips for arguing better, smarter, and more effectively. Even if you thought you weren’t the type, you might be surprised by how satisfying it feels to have the last word on a subject you care about. Mic drop, anyone?
Deprioritize being liked.
Before you can argue well about anything serious, you have to get over the natural craving for approval. “Women tend to want to be liked, so we may back off too easily from our positions when we sense others aren’t agreeing,” says Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. “Because the stereotyped view of women is that we agree with others—and if we don’t, we’re nasty women—it’s important to ground yourself in your position and stick with it when you’re trying to persuade others.” So, if you’re at a dinner party and someone starts talking about how Planned Parenthood will be fine even if it’s defunded, don’t keep quiet just because you don’t want to make a scene. Instead, make your point with precision and grace (read on to learn how).
Ask questions—a lot.
Don’t just throw a barrage of opinions and facts at your opponent and expect to win an argument. In order to connect and open up a real dialogue, frame your thoughts as questions, says John Daly, Ph.D., professor in the department of communication studies at the University of Texas at Austin. “Asking questions is almost always better than making indictments,” he says. “Rather than saying, ‘It makes absolutely no sense that you voted that way,’ try saying, ‘Why’d you vote that way? I’m trying to understand.’ Who knows? Maybe they have a really good reason.” And even if you disagree with their reasoning, questions can be the difference between a constructive, civilized exchange or a futile, surly one.
Make it personal.
Offering background on why you have strong feelings about an issue can promote mutual empathy, according to Daly, which makes it easier to be persuasive. “I come from India, where women are abused at home, there’s female feticide, and patriarchal society makes it all but impossible for women to make progress on issues like education and equal pay,” says Kalpana, a 33-year-old management consultant in New York City. “That’s why I believe anything that curtails women’s growth and security shouldn’t be tolerated.” Sharing personal details like this will humanize you to your opponent, help them understand your reasoning, and make them likelier to concede that you’re making a good point. Bo, too, uses this strategy: “I like to start with personal anecdotes that weave into facts to point to a larger, holistic picture. Eliciting empathy from the other side is how you win debates and cause people to shift their mind-set.”
Embody womanhood, not girlhood.
A girl might shy away from conflict, but a woman isn’t afraid to dig in her heels and give someone a piece of her mind. “Be aware of body language to the extent that you don’t try to offset the views you’re expressing with overly feminine stances or behaviors like hair twirling,” says Krauss Whitbourne. Even if you’re feeling nervous on the inside, breathe deeply, maintain eye contact, and resist the urge to make a joke to ease the awkwardness. If you’re uncomfortable with the views this person’s expressing, why not dish it right back and put her or him on the spot? It’s an effective strategy: By projecting courage and power, your message will have a deeper impact.
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Use strong language.
Speaking of messaging, an important argument isn’t the time to hold back in the name of diplomacy. “In the political and activist arena, sometimes antagonism and outrage are more appropriate than reason and finding common ground,” says Dana L. Cloud, Ph.D., director of graduate studies in the department of communication and rhetorical studies at Syracuse University. “It’s important to teach all oppressed people, including women, to become confident in speech because confrontation is the only effective strategy to show that certain ideas have no place in our society.” However, harsh terms like liar, bigot, or fascist are more effective when you’re not calling names, so try calmly explaining why experts are comparing some of the President’s actions to dictators like Hitler and Stalin, rather than just label Trump one out of context.
Get specific.
With the current onslaught of headlines, press conferences, tweets, and legislative updates, it can be challenging to home in on individual events and problems. “If it’s 40 different lies coming everybody’s way every day, nobody has the time or attention span to say, ‘Well, the first lie is wrong because of this,’ and so on,” says Yascha Mounk, a government lecturer at Harvard University, in a recent interview on Slate’s Trumpcast. So instead of trying to take a verbal stand on everything that’s happening, Daly suggests getting granular. “If you talk about general issues, it’s hard to find agreement, but if you talk about individual issues, it’s easier to discuss,” he says. “Instead of saying, ‘None of these executive orders makes sense,’ try asking, ‘What do you think about the order on Dodd-Frank?’” Once you’ve heard your opponent out, you can always disagree heartily with his or her position, but dialogue is more productive when the topic is focused and manageable, not large and unwieldy.
Don’t agree to disagree.
You might wonder whether it’s OK to resort to the old adage about “agreeing to disagree” when you can’t come to a mutual understanding. Occasionally it might make sense (say, if you’re arguing with a 90-year-old grandparent), but in most situations, that’s actually taking the easy way out. “In my view you should never resign yourself to agree to disagree,” says Cloud. “I’m not going to tolerate a bigot, a person who opposes marriage equality, or someone who condones sexual assault.” If you’re dealing with a loved one, Cloud suggests breaking off the conversation and expressing sadness that your positions aren’t reconcilable. But with a political antagonist who you have no relationship with, realize that the argument may have no resolution—in fact, it may end in tension or frustration, and that’s OK (assuming it doesn’t escalate to violence). “There are divisions between groups with different ideas about how society should move forward—or backward,” says Cloud. “It’s important to recognize that what we’re struggling over right now really are matters of life and death.”
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