Caution: Spoilers ahead for the season premiere of The Bachelorette.
Hey, remember that time Arie Luyendyk Jr. proposed to Becca Kufrin on The Bachelor finale? But then changed his mind and broke up with her for another woman? Oh, and the whole thing was filmed for national television so Becca, everyone she knows, and a million strangers could watch her be completely blindsided? Of course you haven’t forgotten—not that ABC would ever let you. Even this season of The Bachelorette, of which Becca is the star, begins with a cold open of her sobbing as she stares at photos of her and Arie in happier times.
Seriously, how much are they going to put this woman through? Becca’s the lead and ostensibly here to find love, but they’re kicking off the season with shots of her wandering around the Minnesota snow talking about how she doesn’t know “what to do” now that she’s not engaged.
Luckily, the show transitions to a new narrative pretty quickly: The music swells as Becca says she’s ready to find love again. The replay her appearance on After the Final Rose, when she wore that amazing gold dress and waved at screaming fans. So triumphant! Now she’s posing with roses for photo shoots and laughing. She’s doing aerial yoga to get that Jennifer Aniston bod. She’s driving around in a luxe red convertible. She is ready to get her life!
“Bring on the men!” – Becca but also me.
Becca rolls up to The Bachelorette mansion in her hot new car and is greeted by her best (ABC approved) friends: former Bachelorettes Rachel Lindsay, JoJo Fletcher, and Kaitlyn Bristowe. They’re here for a “girl chat”—and to remind us viewers that this process “works.” That said, it is kind of incredible that they’re all still with the guys they picked on the show.
Their advice to Becca is basically this: Forget Arie because a bunch of hot, accomplished dudes are coming to a mansion to woo you. The attention is all on you, girl, so soak it up. The women also drop some shade that Bachelorettes are better pickers than the Bachelors because men are not as “intuitive.” They are not wrong. The proof is in the data!
“Please don’t edit this out: FUCK HIM.” – Rachel Lindsay, how I’ve missed you.
Before they leave, Rachel wants to sage the place because “a lot of dirty stuff went down in this mansion.” (I love you, Rachel, always.) Rachel gets it all: She sages the couch, she sages Becca’s ring finger, she even sages Becca’s vagina. Kaitlyn, meanwhile, is confused because she thinks it’s just “a big doobie.”
I’d like to see that play out more, but instead a smoke alarm goes off—so, everyone heads outside so JoJo can casually sip on her mimosa as she points out the place she first kissed Jordan. Honestly, I just want a full hour devoted to this madness.
JoJo makes a good point that she, Rachel, and Kaitlyn all gave their first impression roses to the guys they ended up picking; they also kissed their chosen guys on the first night. So, no pressure BECCA.
Sadly, this conversation comes to an end so we can transition to meeting some of the men. First up is Clay, a pro football player who says he doesn’t fit the stereotype of a professional athlete because he’s a “big sweetheart.” Then we have Garrett, a 29-year-old medical sales rep who reminds us 1,000 times in five seconds that he is from Reno, Nevada. He follows that with what I think is an impression of Chris Farley? (“Was that pretty good?” he asks. No.)
The real comedy comes with Jordan, a 26-year-old “professional model” who also makes a memorable appearance in this Glamour video, below:
Jordan gives us so many fantastic quotes during his segment that I think it’s best to include the highlights without commentary:
“My brand is the pensive gentleman. It could have a glass of scotch. He could have a book in his hand. He could have a flower in his hand giving to a lady.”
“The power is in the brows.”
“Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good looking.”
“You’re talking gym year round, tan year round, salt spray year round. There’s so much involved. It’s taxing.”
“I started to realize that, you know, I’m so focused on myself that I’m really losing out on potentially sharing myself with someone else.”
“I’m so excited for Becca to be the Bachelorette. I could see Becca and I on a couch with sweats, a tub of chocolates, and watch a chick flick. Like, a lot of models won’t do that. I do that sometimes.”
So good. Sadly, though, we must move on…to a sane person: Lincoln is from Nigeria and seems like a catch. No red flags here, so keeping an eye on this one.
From Lincoln we go to Joe, who greets us in Chicago with a wink. He’s kinda cute, but then he opens his mouth and out comes the MOST Chi-CAH-go accent. I can’t explain it, but I am…deeply attracted? Blame it on my Midwestern upbringing, but this 31-year-old grocery store owner who says lame lines like, “See, I know my fruits and vegetables. I know tomatoes very good. Women? Not so lucky” is apparently it for me.
“I deal in produce but the one thing I haven’t produced yet is love.” – My dream man, I guess.
Joe jokes that there’s gotta be a woman out there for him because he’s too handsome. Is it me?
Ugh, we’ve got to move on: Here’s Jean Blanc, who loves nice watches, nice ties, and nice cologne. He has over 100 bottles! To him, cologne is “the essence of your soul.” K.
“She needs a man that smells good, and I’m going to blow her nose away.” – Jean Blanc. My god what people will say to be on reality tv.
I’d like to spend a lot more time learning about Jean Blanc’s cologne—sorry, his soul—but we shift to Colton. He was also a pro football player, but after an injury he had to quit. So, he started a foundation for kids with Cystic Fibrosis. His description of the work he’s doing is super emotional—and then they cut to his cute, very old dog and I’m sold. (Fun fact: According to People, he is Aly Raisman’s ex.)
Apparently The Bachelorette can’t top that, so it’s time to check in with Becca. She’s wearing a fabulous white halter neck gown—how very Meghan Markle!—and ready to do the damn thing. (Is she tired of saying that yet?)
First out of the limo is Colton, so clearly he’s getting the husband edit this season. They pop some confetti guns—to get this thing “poppin'”—and hug. Next is Grant, an electrician who tells Becca she deserves a lot of respect for what she went through, and then it’s Clay. He tells Becca she’d be the biggest catch of his life. It’s a sweet moment, but she gives an “aww” that sounds an awful lot like he’s already in the friend zone.
There’s a little more chemistry with Jean Blanc, who uses his time to teach Becca how to say “let’s do the damn thing” in French. The best part, though, is when he walks away and Becca says he smelled good. Bah! Maybe “colognoisseur” really is a thing!
Connor is next and gets down on one knee—the same move Becca did when she first met Arie—but she seems…not into it? Connor is followed by my Chicago beau Joe and, yes, I’m still charmed by him for reasons I can’t fully explain.
In fact, I’m so distracted by Joe that I miss John’s turn. Sorry, John! Oh well, I’ve already moved on emotionally to man bun Leo. He starts off with a full updo, but then lets his hair down as a knock-off version of “I’m Too Sexy” starts playing. Either I’m easy to please or it’s a genuinely great moment.
And the hits keep coming: Jordan comes out in a suit that took him six hours to pick out. As he walks away, Becca even comments that he has “fun” shoes. Jordan couldn’t have hoped for a better reaction because, “I wanted Becca to hear the tapping of the shoes I wore such is like the heartbeat of a gentleman.” (Yes, I played this line back several times and this nonsense is what he said.)
Jordan is confident he’ll stand out in the crowd of bros because he wore a gray suit. Cut to Rickey meeting Becca while wearing a gray suit. Then there’s Alex, who isn’t in a gray suit but Becca does compliment his tie.
Nick shows up in a racing suit and says, “I’m not a race car driver … What kind of bleep-bleep (asshole, I assume?) wears this?” So, I like Nick. Except he claims meeting Becca was “the hardest thing” he’s ever done in his life. Um, you’re a lawyer. What about literally any of your cases? What about law school? Getting out of a limo in a borrowed onesie is really it?
Meanwhile, Leo’s not impressed because he thinks it’s a bad idea to remind Becca of her ex. Someone tell that to Mike, who brings a full cardboard cut out of Arie. Becca says it’s “freaking her out,” and I’m with Leo on this one: We all want to forget Arie.
Moving on: Garrett rolls up in a minivan. He brought it because he wants to be a great dad someday. It’s a little weird to me, but Becca’s into it and I just want her to be happy. If that means a minivan-driving Reno resident, then go for it girl.
A quick check in with the guys in the mansion reveals they’re sizing each other up and sitting around talking about how great Becca looks.
“Did you see the sparkles on her dress too?” – This guy gets it.
Blake arrives on an ox because his feelings are already “as strong as an ox.” (More like “the producers have run out of ideas and somebody had a random lead on a ox so here we are.”)
Let’s just move on to Lincoln—like Blake, Lincoln met Becca on After the Final Rose. So did Chase, Darius, and Ryan, who we all meet in quick succession. The rest of the guys are pissy about it because she remembers these five, as if these guys really got any quality time with her.
Anyway, Chris Harrison must be ready to get to the drama because there’s then a quick montage through Christon, Wills, and Jason. There’s a brief pause when Kamil comes out and he asks her walk to him because he thinks relationships should be halfway. I don’t like it—this is her night, brah—and then he makes it worse by being like, “actually what about 60/40…for me.” It backfires, as it should.
The weirdness continues when Jake comes out of the limo next. Like Becca, he’s from Minneapolis and an acquaintance of hers; she’s thrown off by his arrival, but she doesn’t have much time to think it over because Trent shows up in an actual hearse. The line? He “literally died” when he heard she was the Bachelorette.
Meanwhile, Jordan is still shit-talking the other guys’ fashion choices. Especially Christian, who is not wearing a tie or socks with his loafers. According to Jordan, “This is not an occasion for that.”
Speaking of fashion, here is David in a chicken suit so he can caw “Beh-KAH” all night. Turns out, David did not plan ahead; there’s no suit or clothes under the chicken suit, so he’s completely committed to this lewk.
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
The last out of the limo is Chris, who came with a choir. Jordan, who says he’s really good at math, seems overly impressed that Chris fit 12 people in the limo.
Now that we’ve met all the men, Becca is ready to get this party started. After her toast, Connor pulls the first “Can I steal you for a minute?” Unfortunately, he immediately ruins the moment by popping a bottle of champagne and drinking straight out of the bottle before even offering her a glass or sip first. And you thought you had it bad at Teddi’s house, Dorit.
The rest of the night is a bit of a blur: Clay brought literal clay, so she’d remember his name. John reveals he’s the guy who made the app for Venmo (um, excuse me?), Christon does an impressive dunk over Becca’s head. Even more impressive is the line he gives after: “When a guys tells you he’d jump over the moon for you I mean it.”
Later, Becca chats with Joe (luv u), feels a connection with Blake, receives a bracelet from Lincoln, and gets a back massage from Nick. David, naturally, asks her to do the chicken dance before finally revealing his face. Good news: He’s hot enough to pull it off! Then Garrett shows her some fishing techniques. Becca says he reminds her of home because he’s a fisher and hunter, and that’s what the men in her family are into. She seems into him. Foreshadowing?
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Joe, you charmer.
Things are almost going too well. Cue Chris, who reveals he has some dirt on another guy in the house. Apparently Chris knows Chase’s ex, and she’s been texting not-so-nice things about him. According to her, Chase isn’t there for the right reasons; he just likes “hanging out with his boys” and wants to revamp his marketing company. After asking a few guys for their advice, Chris decides to pull Chase aside to tell him about it. THIS WON’T GO WELL, which is why we pause for a commercial break.
When we return, Chris tells Chase about the texts. Chase’s excuse is that he only dated her for, like, two weeks so, you know, “women.” Eye roll, eye roll, eye roll. Chase decides he better get ahead of this, so he pull Becca aside to talk about it. She understandably is like, “Well, what did the texts say?” This makes Chase realize he never actually found out, so he brings Chris in to clear things up. The whole thing is weird, but it leads Becca to think about who else might not be here for the right reasons…
She asks Jake—the guy she knows through mutual friends—to talk. Turns out they’ve met a few times, but he’s never shown interest in her before. So why now? He avoids the question (why are you here?) and instead focuses on the fact that he only remembers meeting her once. She points out that’s factually not true, so he pivots to a new technique: telling her she needs to stop “hanging on” to whatever happened at this Christmas party. He claims he’s had a “really transformative year,” so she should give him a chance.
Instead, Becca’s like, dude, we’ve met multiple times and each time it was kind of nothing. Why waste her time, his time, and everyone else’s time? So with that, Jake is the first one to go home of the season. She tells the rest of the guys what happened, which the others all take as a wake-up call.
The remaining guys who haven’t talked to her yet get into action, including Wills who reveals he has a Harry Potter tattoo. Wow, I am in love. Becca, can you spare Wills and Joe? Please? I don’t think she’d miss them that much, given that the first impression rose goes to Garrett. She’s choosing him because he made her laugh and feel comfortable, and they kiss.
That means only one thing: It’s time for the rose ceremony.
“I can’t go home. It wouldn’t be fair to Becca.” – Jordan
“[I’m] looking out at a sea of highway patrol officers, you know, wondering if maybe she didn’t feel me.” – Leo
The sun is rising so Becca gets through the roses pretty quick. In addition to Garrett, Lincoln, Blake, Rickey, Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay, Wills, Connor, Jason, John, Ryan, Alex, Nick, Trent, Colton, David, Jordan, Leo, Mike, and Chris are all staying another week.
That means goodbye for Kamil, Chase, Christian, Darius, Grant, Jake, and my darling Joe. Sigh, it’s for the best. They all take it much better than the men of seasons past. The real drama comes in the preview for the rest of the season.
Coming up: Becca’s falling in love! There are tears! “I can’t believe what I just did what Arie did to me.” Lincoln is a liar and manipulator! Jordan is here to boost his modeling career! Colton is a virgin! “Cheers to you being a bitch!” Blake is bleeding! It all leads to a finale where Becca’s crying again!
