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How Gal Meets Glam's Julia Engel Used Her Blog to Launch a Line of Spring Dresses


Some of the past year’s buzziest new brands—Premme, Eggie, Something Navy—share a surprising common denominator: They’re the design off-shoots of the Internet’s favorite fashion bloggers. And like Nicolette Mason, Gabi Gregg, Jenn Imm, and Arielle Charnas, Julia Engel of Gal Meets Glam is joining the ranks of influencers-turned-designers, with the launch of her debut fashion line, appropriately called Gal Meets Glam Collection.

Engel has earned a devout online following that’s 1.1 million strong on Instagram alone since starting her blog in 2011. Readers flock to her site for outfit tips and shopping suggestions, as well as visuals showcasing her feminine, playful approach to fashion. This lead her to consider starting her own clothing line with the same aesthetic. “I quickly realized within a couple years that the reason why I was gaining an audience and a following was because people were coming to me for a specific reason,” Engel tells Glamour, “and that was because my style and Gal Meets Glam was very specific.”

Dresses are her favored category, so it made for a natural jumping-off point when planning her first-ever fashion design venture. “When I share a dress from another brand, [my readers] buy it and they love it,” she adds. “So I think it’s the only next step to create something that’s specific to us and provide that for them.”

Gal Meets Glam Collection launches with 44 dresses online, on its own e-commerce and at Nordstrom, and will add new styles in monthly drops. For April, the vibe is floral, pastel, and spring-wedding appropriate. It’s also widely accessible: Every dress is less than $200, and is available in sizes 00 to 20.

“Oftentimes, you’ll see more of a speciality dress that has fun elements, but it’s not something that you’re constantly going to be reaching for,” Engel says. “We really focused on designing dresses for the everyday woman who is busy and on-the-go, and just wants something put-together in one item that she can reach for.”

She first hatched the idea to create her own line focused on classic dresses that she felt she couldn’t find on the market at the under-$200 price point in 2014. Getting manufacturers and retailers on board with her vision, however, took some convincing. “There were many times where they wouldn’t outright say, but they would definitely imply that I didn’t have as much experience,” Engel remembers, despite having the numbers—both in followers and in a robust affiliate program—to back it up. But they have to understand that this is coming from such a different perspective than what they’re used to. It’s kind of like the old-school way of thinking.”

That didn’t deter Engel, though. “Because of the audience that I had built, it validated the idea that there are other people that want a product like this,” she says. “There’s all of these women that follow me, and I know that they’re looking for something like this too.”

In the end, sticking to her vision won out for one retailer: Nordstrom, which will carry Gal Meets Glam collection both online and in select stores. Engel’s favorite dress from the inaugural collection is actually an exclusive to the retailer—a fit-and-flare crepe dress with a full skirt. “If I could only wear one item for the rest of my life, this would be it,” she says. “That was one piece that Nordstrom saw and absolutely loved and ended up getting multiple colors in because they were like, this is such a staple for any woman’s wardrobe.”

If you share Engel’s love of dresses, you know what to do: Get started on your spring dress collection with the first drop in the Gal Meets Glam Collection, below.

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The Bachelor Season 22 Episode 1 Recap: Arie Luyendyk Jr. Meets His Contestants


Well, here we are: another season of The Bachelor with a guy nobody asked for. Perhaps I’m being too hard on Arie Luyendyk Jr., but was it not difficult to watch him struggle through the rose ceremony without dreaming of Hot Peter, Eric, or Kenny in his place? Maybe they’ll get their turn in five years. But for now, Arie it is. So as Becca would say, let’s do the damn thing.

We start with a re-introduction to Arie and a dramatic cut to five years ago, when he was on Emily Maynard’s season. This flashback might not have been the best choice, though, because it really shows how much time has passed—and how much the lighting and makeup budgets have increased. Arie is super sweaty in these scenes! At one point, you even see a blemish on his neck as he leans in to kiss Emily. Nope.

The show also uses these flashbacks to hammer in that Emily broke Arie’s heart and that’s why he hasn’t found love or been in a serious relationship since. Uh huh. Sure. We’re even reminded that Arie flew all the way to Charlotte after Emily’s season ended just to leave his journal on her doorstep. This is a move that is adorable and romantic if you’re into the guy and extremely creepy and troubling if you are not. If you want to know how Emily felt about it, consider this: She didn’t even read the journal.

“The chemistry and the passion really pushed our relationship
forward.” – Arie, trying—and failing—to convince us that he and Emily
had chemistry and passion.

Now, five years later, Arie has salt and pepper hair, he’s selling real estate, and he claims he’s ready for the next step. Everyone he knows is married and has kids, so he doesn’t want to be left out. Speaking of, Sean Lowe shows up to serve as a character witness for Arie. We get it, ABC: You really, really want us to like Arie. Sean and Catherine bring their son, Samuel, for a chat with Arie and Samuel (via Sean) offers some good advice: Always treat the girls with respect. Yes, do that. Please, please, please do that.

“The point is: The guy’s a catch.” – Chris Harrison, doing his best to
talk up Arie.

Finally, it’s time to meet the women. First up is Chelsea, a single mom from Portland who works in real estate. Her friend’s advice is to “crush it.” K. Next is Caroline, who also works in real estate. (Sensing a theme here.) She brags that she’s really good at her job and makes a ton of money, and I admire her bravado. There is an incredibly awkward scene where a client asks if she has any kids (kind of rude to assume that, lady); Caroline stumbles over her answer because she really wants children one day—the only measure of a good and moral woman in Bachelor Universe. Caroline is excited about Arie because they have realty in common and she “grew up around cars.” As far as I can tell so far, cars and realty are the only two interests Arie has so she should do well.

We meet Maquel, a professional photographer with grating vocal fry, followed by Nysha, who went sky diving for her 30th birthday. Nysha’s also a nurse who loves being around blood and gross things. I think I love her.

From Nysha we move on to Tia, who lives in Weiner, Arkansas. If you think The Bachelor won’t take this opportunity to make 1,000 dick jokes, you are very, very wrong. In addition to making Weiner puns, Tia shoots guns and goes fishing for fun. And OMG she knows Raven! Turns out, Raven is the one who convinced Tia to audition for the show. (PS: I think there’s a big missed opportunity that Raven’s boutique is not called That’s So Raven.)

Next up is Kendall. She’s obviously our “quirky” contestant because she collects taxidermy. The segment ends with her singing to a stuffed seal, so there’s that.

“I’ve never had a relationship over a year but with taxidermy I can
keep it forever!” – Kendall

Moving on: Bekah is 22, has the eyes of a Disney princess, and rocks a gorgeous pixie haircut.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

Marikh is a 27-year-old who owns an Indian restaurant with her mom and has Kardashian-level contouring skills. Krystal from San Diego is a fitness coach, and she volunteers for the homeless because her little brother has been living on the streets for the last two years. She wants to help him, but he’s just not ready for it yet, so she helps others instead. Nothing snarky to say here—that is a genuinely moving story.

Time to dry my tears, though, because the limos are here!!!!!!!

“I’m just going to speak for everybody…How have you not found love? I know you’ve been in
relationships. You think, OK one of these times it’s going to work for
him, and it just never has.” – Chris Harrison, shady as ever

First out of the limo is my girl Caroline. She makes a cheesy realtor joke about them both being “off the market.” Ehhh, I guess somebody had to do it. They play some strange music over Chelsea’s intro that I can’t tell if it’s implying she’s crazy or sexy. Possibly both? Kendall, however, gets quirky music because of course.

“Oh my God, what a STUD.” – an excited woman who would probably enjoy Magic Mike Live

Next is Seinne, another person who works in real estate. Did producers just contact agencies around the country and ask for their most attractive single woman? Wouldn’t put it past them. Tia gives Arie a little weiner as a gift, as one does. “Please tell me you don’t already have a little weiner,” she jokes. Called it: If Tia makes it to hometowns, this will be the season of endless penis puns.

“Not only is he handsome, but he’s welcoming.” – Chelsea about Arie, a
man who pretty much only said “hi” to her.

The parade continues: Bibiana wants to get with Arie so her babies can have his blue eyes. Brianna is overly impressed that Arie can catch a softball. Jenny seems sweet. Brittane puts a “nice butt” bumper stick on Arie, and I actually laughed because my expectations at this point are so low. Jacqueline seems too normal to be here. Then we get to Krystal, who speaks in a Marilyn Monroe-esque whisper. Nysha shows up just as the women in the house start freaking out about how many attractive women are arriving. Uh, what show did you think you were signing up for?

“Let’s just say that the hair is down and the boobs are out.” – Chelsea
describing every Bachelor rose ceremony since the dawn of time.

Valerie gets out of the limo and immediately strikes a pose. Bekah shows up in a classic red Mustang. She’s got a choker, a short dress, and cute hair. She came to PLAY.

“That cherry red looks better on your lips, bitch.” – Chelsea, clearly
auditioning for the role of Corinne this season.

Jenna arrives and seems kinda…tipsy? I don’t want to make assumptions, but she is a little too wobbly and speech slurry. Arie is really feeling her, though. Jessica is very perky, so much so that Arie is even charmed by her gift of a random rock. Marikh makes a joke about his salt and pepper hair because someone had to.

Valerie starts stressing about how many women are here, but more just keep on coming: Olivia, who is 23 and loved Arie’s season (when she was 18???). Becca cons Arie into proposing. Arie loves Lauren S.’s energy. Lauren J. arrives next, and everybody is thrown off that there are two blonde Laurens. It’s not over yet, though: Lauren B. and Lauren G arrive too.

Now that the sea of Laurens are here we can move on to new names: Ashley brought a racing flag, going for the obvious. Arie even predicts her joke before she says it: “Are we going to make it to the finish line?” Brittany stumbles through some Dutch. Amber jokes that she sees a lot of [bleeps] but she hopes he’s not one. Ali requests a smell check. No, nope, immediate grounds for dismissal. Annaliese arrives and Arie is immediately handsy with her. Ew.

Finally we get to Maquel, the last arrival. She shows up in a racing car and everyone’s very jealous. There are many references to the fact that “the race is on” and that she’s “coming in fast and furious” and, oh God, I cannot do this season.

“He has a full head of hair.” – Bekah, really searching for compliments
about Arie

Everyone has arrived, so it’s time for Arie to give a very boring and bland speech about this journey. Chelsea swoops and grabs Arie first. Yup, she’s definitely aiming to be this year’s Corinne. But then, DRAMA: Chelsea is mad because Maquel interrupts her conversation with Arie about real estate exams. Darling, she did you a favor. Chelsea starts complaining to anyone who will listen that she didn’t get enough time, as if anyone cares. Side note: the vocal fry is out of control. Everyone sounds like they work for PubLIZity:

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Later, Brittany sets up a race in tiny toy cars and, OK, I’m into it. This damn show makes everything seem so charming. Brittany wins and collects her prize: a kiss. Naturally, the other girls are upset about this and Chelsea stars losing her cool.

ARIE LUYENDYK JR., BRITTANY T.

PHOTO: Paul Hebert

We’re at the point in the night when weird shit starts happening: Quirky Kendall sings to Arie, and he seems uncomfortable. Someone feeds him pizza, another brings pineapple, and Jenna gives him a pedicure or…something? He’s confused but intrigued.

Around this time, Chris Harrison brings out the first impression rose. The pressure is on: Women start swarming Arie with mania in their eyes to talk to him. I would be so scared.

“I want to know more about you, though. We only have a short amount of
time.” – Arie “OK, I’m a libra!” – Krystal

With a wild look in her eye, Chelsea steals more time with Arie. Because she came to win, she goes in for a full-on makeout. Like, mouth wide open. It’s…a lot. After their kiss, she immediately goes into a room full of women and reveals that she had a second chat with Arie. Eye roll. Clearly she wants to stir up drama/brag/make the others feel like shit, otherwise you’d keep. That. To. Yourself. Her gamble worked, though, because she gets the first impression rose. Maybe she’ll calm down now?

As the sun rises, the rose ceremony begins. Roses go to Becca, Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah, Lauren S., Sienne, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, and Maquel.

Well, friends, we did it. May the rest of this season give us lots of laughs, lots of tears, lots of drama, and very little Arie screen time. See you next week!



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'Outlander' Season 3 Finale Recap: An Old Frenemy Meets a Grisly End and Claire and Jamie Wind Up in America


This article centers on Season 3, Episode 11 of Outlander, “Uncharted.” If you’re not yet caught up with the show, be warned: Spoilers abound.

It has been quite the season in time travel, wildly implausible adventure, and overly opportune coincidences, but what a time we’ve had. When this season began, Claire was unhappily married in Boston with dreary Frank. Jamie was languishing, injured, on the battlefield of Culloden. We poor viewers had to endure nearly half the season without Claire and Jamie having the hot sex we watch the show for. Claire and Jamie suffered through some things too—but mostly Jamie, because this show loves for him to endure trauma whenever possible. He does bear his burden well: still brawny, brash, and bold where a lesser man would have been broken. Claire raised their daughter Brianna and Jamie went and had a son with a woman who basically coerced him into having sex by manipulating her power and position over him. (We call this rape where I come from.) Lord John Grey fell in love with Jamie and they became besties despite the circumstances of their meeting, and then Grey did Jamie a solid by raising Jamie’s son, Willie, because it was in Willie’s supposed best interests to be raised as nobility. Jamie finally returned to his beloved Scotland and tried to move on with his life, and Claire decided she was tired of being a mother once Frank died and went back through the stones to find Jamie with no trouble at all. There were a few stumbles as Jamie and Claire got reacquainted, as well as an accidental murder and another wife and some booze smuggling and some treason and a kidnapping, but other than that, everything was fine and they were still very good at sex.

Now, here we are at the season finale.

The finale begins with a voiceover and Claire rhapsodizing about death and being at peace while sinking in a body of water. Before we can work out what’s going on there, we are back in Jamaica, with Claire in her carriage racing to Rose Hall to find Young Ian. When she arrives, she just starts wandering around calling for young Ian. Before she can find her nephew, a man grabs her.

Geillis, meanwhile, is interrogating young Ian, wanting to know why he didn’t tell her about Claire and what Claire really wanted with her treasure. Ian is telling her the truth, but for whatever reason, she doesn’t believe him. Ian, for his part, is fed up with Geillis and tells her to either believe him or kill him because he is tired of her “blathering.” We are too, young Ian.

PHOTO: David Bloomer

Claire is brought to Geillis and the two women circle each other warily. Claire explains that Jamie has been arrested and she needs shelter but makes no mention of her nephew. Geillis is happy to accommodate, if only to learn more about why Claire is in Jamaica.

Jamie, the luckiest and unluckiest man alive, is being led to the Porpoise by that baselessly arrogant “Captain” Leonard when the governor’s soldiers intervene. Of course they do. John Grey was not going to let the love of his life be swept away to Scotland to face certain death. Fergus basically saved the day by alerting John Grey of this development.

In the governor’s office, John Grey comes to the rescue once more in one of the strongest scenes of the season—well written, well acted, simply wonderful. John Grey demands that Leonard offer proof of some kind—a warrant, an affidavit—before he takes Jamie into custody but the lieutenant cannot. The most delicious moments are when John Grey insists on calling Leonard a lieutenant and talking shit about how Leonard did not really earn his present title of captain. Leonard protests mightily but he is outranked and outmatched by John Grey and leaves, pouting. Basically, the scene is a dick-measuring contest and we know who is bigger by the end. “Seems I’m indebted to you yet again for saving my life,” Jamie tells Grey once the matter is resolved. The men bid each other goodbye but sadly, they do not kiss passionately and we are all the lesser for it.

Back at Rose Hall, Claire is telling Geillis how she ended up in Jamaica but Geillis is convinced there is some detail Claire is omitting. She has it in her head that Claire has been chasing Geillis and trying to prevent the prophecy foretelling a Scotsman sitting on the Scottish throne from coming true. Claire explains that she actually went back to the future (heh) to raise her child but Geillis is reluctant to believe Claire would ever leave Jamie. Geillis remains unconvinced until Claire shows Geillis pictures of Brianna, whom Geillis instantly recognizes. Of course she does. Claire explains that Geillis met her daughter in 1968 and the two of them also watched Geillis go back through the stones as Claire tried to warn her frenemy about the witch hunts.

Finally satisfied, Geillis surreptitiously swipes one of Brianna’s pictures, apologizes profusely, and offers her home to Claire for as long as she needs. In her room, Claire realizes she is locked in and sees Ian, bound and gagged, being dragged away. She tries, in vain, to get out of her room, when suddenly the door opens. It’s Jamie, of course. So much of course. They head off in the direction of drumming and when they reach it, they find a group of Jamaicans performing some kind of religious ritual and dance. Claire recognizes the dance as similar to the one the women were doing at the stones of Craigh Na Dun in the first season. Willoughby, who just happens to be hanging out with new friends, tells the Jamaicans Claire and Jamie are with him and the Frasers are welcomed without further fuss.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: David Bloomer

The Frasers aren’t the only couple in love. Willoughby and Margaret have, indeed, made a love connection. They are headed to Martinique where they can live out their lives in love. “She is the first woman to truly see me, the man that I am, and I see her,” Willoughby says. That’s sweet, but Jamie just wants to know if Willoughby has seen Ian. Willoughby asks Margaret to use her powers so she does. She reads Jamie and Claire and makes them both mighty uncomfortable. “Abandawe,” Margaret says at the end, which Claire remembers from their previous conversation.

Archibald Campbell shows up, interrupting things, demanding that Margaret go with him so he can continue exploiting and mistreating his sister for profit. For some reason, she is not at all interested, preferring to stay with the man she loves. Archibald mentions Mistress Abernathy, a.k.a. Geillis, and Jamie demands to know more. Archibald talks about a prophecy that will only come true upon the death of a 200-year-old baby. As he is talking, Claire realizes he is talking about Brianna. Now, the Frasers need to find Geillis before she kills their daughter conceived in the past but living in the future. Archibald tries to force Margaret to go with him, but Willoughby isn’t having it. He is Yi Tien Cho, and he is going to protect the woman he loves. Archibald tries to strike Margaret with a stick, but Yi Tien Cho comes between them. Before long, Archibald is dead and the Jamaicans are, I guess, using him as ritual sacrifice. It’s all very colonial fever dream, not so vaguely racist, and I honestly forced myself to let it go so I could continue with the episode.

The Frasers run through the jungle to Abandawe cave, which they find with no trouble at all. They are the world’s best navigators. In the cave, young Ian is bound and gagged, to be sacrificed, but Claire and Jamie can’t get to him because Geillis’s manservant Hercules points a gun at them. Geillis is basically raving mad at this point, talking about how Claire owes her Brianna’s life “for the greater good.” Claire realizes the shimmering pool of water in the cave is the portal through time. Geillis continues to rant and rave, and then all hell breaks loose. Jamie fights with Hercules while Claire, using a machete, basically chops Geillis’s head off. Pretty much all’s well that ends well. Jamie lets Hercules go but Claire is hypnotized by the portal and keeps stepping toward it until Jamie pulls her back and they leave the cave.

As I said last week, everything on this show comes full circle. While Jamie and young Ian reunite and Ian crows about how he knew Jamie would come after him, Claire is a bit traumatized. She recalls the 200-year-old body she and her pal Joe examined in future Boston. No matter, though. Jamie gives her a long strong hug, and she’s fine after that. As an aside, Claire has worn only one dress for half of the season, and I cannot stop thinking about it. There’s no way that dress would look as structurally sound as it does given everything it has been through.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: David Bloomer

It’s time for the Frasers and friends to return to Scotland, so they get back on the Artemis. Even though Yi Tien Cho isn’t aboard, Jamie, mysteriously, is no longer suffering from seasickness because what is story continuity? Jamie and Claire are alone in their cabin and Jamie is about to shave his beard when Claire asks him not to. It’s always a good time for the Frasers to get down, so Jamie starts sexy talking and Claire is very receptive. It’s a charming scene, with chemistry, warmth and humor—the kind of scene this series would do very well to include more of as a balance to the constant drama trauma. Before long, the Frasers are making love, but we see very little of it for some, incredibly disappointing reason.

As the couple is enjoying the afterglow, a storm is coming. What starts out as a cool breeze and the comforting sound of rain is soon a terrible storm the Artemis cannot withstand. There’s lots of gale-force wind, pouring rain, shouting, and drama as the storm tosses the poor Artemis about the ocean. And then Claire disappears overboard in the storm and we are back where this episode began. Fret not, though. Jamie dives into the water, finds his beloved wife with no trouble at all, and kisses her as they float to the surface where, conveniently, the storm has largely subsided. Claire is unconscious and maybe dead and Jamie is bereft, but they cling to a piece of flotsam. When Jamie comes to, he is on a sandy beach, on a bright sunny day. He sees Claire and crawls to her and kisses her and his kiss brings her back to life! His lips are magic and so is the rest of him. The couple clings to each other and Claire says, “I told you I’d never leave you again.” As they make sense of their surroundings, a family comes upon them. The Frasers inquire as to the Artemis which, conveniently, ran aground just four miles away. The survivors are being cared for, and the Frasers are visibly relieved. Despite having company, they are still gazing at each other passionately. “What island is this?” Claire eventually asks and we learn the Frasers are on the “mainland, the colony of Georgia.” Yup, Outlander is headed to America for its fourth season. In a teaser trailer at the end of the episode, we see Claire talking about the American dream and who knows what will happen for the Frasers now. Hopefully, they will have a lot more sex. In 2018, we will find out.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: David Bloomer

Overall, this season has been a mess—a watchable mess, to be fair, but a mess nonetheless. The first half of the season was so slow, then the second half of the season moved at a breakneck pace rushing toward tonight’s ending. Because of that rush, the season, as a whole, felt unbalanced. The production remains beautiful—the costumes, the acting, the scenery, everything is well done. The weakness here is in the story itself. I have no problem with time travel, passionate romance, and global adventure. I am willing to suspend my disbelief for all manner of incredible things. But at times this show demands not just the suspension of disbelief but the complete eradication. I want to be intrigued and surprised by a show, but I don’t want to find myself rolling my eyes more often than not. This season, there was a lot of eye rolling. I really do enjoy this show, and I will certainly be watching the fourth season and probably recapping it too, but my goodness, I hope the writing finds a bit more discipline regardless of the source material. My eyes don’t have much roll left in them.

Roxane Gay is the author of Bad Feminist, Difficult Women, and most recently, Hunger. She is also the author of World of Wakanda for Marvel and a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times.

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'Outlander' Season 3, Episode 8 Recap: Claire Meets Jamie's Other Wife and Things Get Bloody


This article centers on Season 3, Episode 8 of Outlander, “First Wife.” If you’re not yet caught up with the show, be warned: Spoilers abound.

I suppose it was all a bit too easy, Claire returning to the 18th century, finding Jamie in like five minutes, and falling into his perfectly sculpted arms on the way to a lifetime of great sex. Alas.

This week, Claire and Jamie learn that second chances don’t come easy. The Frasers return to Lallybroch with young Ian and receive a rather uncomfortable reception from Jenny and Ian Sr. who are, as you might expect, angry Jamie lied about having young Ian with him; angry Jamie had young Ian engaging in criminal pursuits; and bewildered Claire is still alive. There is a lot of anger in this episode. Jenny is particularly frosty toward Claire, referring to her as a “stray.” Jenny is either aggressive or passive aggressive to her sister-in-law for most of the episode, but she’s also pretty much the best part of it. Overall, it works.

We see how the Murray children have grown, some with children of their own, all running around Lallybroch as wildly indistinct scenery because they don’t get much screen time. One thing I’ve noticed about Outlander is that in trying to make each dense, plot-filled book into a thirteen-episode season, the show often feels rushed and unbalanced. There will be a chunk of episodes focusing on a given plot point while other plot points are dealt with in a scene or two. Because I haven’t read the books, I see neither the rhyme nor the reason to some of the show’s narrative choices.

That first night at Lallybroch, Claire and Jamie have a moment alone and Claire implores him to let her tell Jenny the truth of where she has been, but Jamie says Jenny has never left the farm and couldn’t handle the truth. He is wrong, obviously, because Jenny is awesome, but Claire concedes. Then Jamie tells Claire the story of how he escaped prison to go to Silkies Island searching for her on the word of Duncan Kerr, the feverish dying man who came upon the prison while Jamie was incarcerated earlier this season.

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks

In the story, Jamie swims through frigid cold water and though, to his despair, he doesn’t find Claire, he does find a small box of treasure—ancient coins and gems and so on. To be honest, it doesn’t look like much. He leaves the box there and returns to prison because the men there need him. “I wasn’t on an island but I was out there, wishing you’d come and find me,” Claire says. The couple continues saying deeply romantic things to each other and I started getting excited because I thought they were going to have sex. I was very, very wrong. There is no sex in this week’s episode, which means the grand reunion was…something of a letdown. I’m kind of worried there will be no more sex this season.

In the middle of this intimate moment, Jamie realizes he needs to come clean with Claire about his secret. But just as Jamie is about to spill, two girls burst into their room—the younger one, a redhead—both calling Jamie “Daddy.” They are followed by that horrible Laoghaire who accused Claire of witchcraft and almost had her killed during Season 1. Laoghaire is outraged, calling Claire “Sassenach witch,” and tells Claire she is Jamie’s wife.

Claire is just stunned and gasping and who can blame her? It’s one thing for Jamie to have gotten married. It’s another thing entirely for him to have married the one woman who has done such grievous harm. I cannot begin to fathom the why of Jamie’s second marriage and I know the show is going to give us some stupid explanation. This is what this show tends to do whenever something implausible happens. Something implausible happens every episode.

“We don’t have a bond that keeps people together,” Jamie tells his stepdaughter Joan, also explaining that he has such a bond with Claire, his first wife. The kid is like seven years old so I’m not sure why he’s acting like she gets it but okay. He also promises he will always look after Joan and her sister, before sending Joan home.

Up in their room, Claire is gathering her things. Jamie tries to explain himself, and we learn he is not the father of either of the girls (a total ye olde Maury episode). He married Laoghaire less than two years ago. Claire is having none of it and when Jamie says, “You’re the one who told me to be kind to the lass,” I personally ducked, in my apartment, even though this is just a TV show. There’s a reason women snap and it’s because men push them to the limit.

What follows is one hell of a fight. Jamie claims Claire left him twenty years prior. They both make clear they have suffered during their time apart and then Jamie is kissing Claire and she is slapping him and they’re wrestling and it’s kind of dodgy and kind of hot. Things are looking up! Jamie declares his undying love for first wife and they start tearing at each other. Just as they are finally about to do the dirty, Jenny throws water on them. Jenny is a consummate hater, an 18th-century cock blocker. And with that, any hope of carnality fades.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks/STARZ

The next day, Jamie tries to stop Claire from leaving Lallybroch and vows to make things right. “I’ve only known one love in my life and that was with you,” he says. Someone should do a supercut of all the ways he declares his love. It’s so extra. Unfortunately, Laoghaire happens upon them as they’re talking, only now she has a gun and she’s going on about how Jamie is hers—and then the gun goes off. Jamie is shot in the shoulder, because of course.

Now it’s just like old times, Jamie injured in some way and Claire putting him back together. Claire immediately shifts into Doctor Mode and sets to digging the buckshot pellets out after Jamie self-medicates with whisky. Young Ian looks on and seems rather intrigued by the whole affair. Everything turns out fine.

When Jamie comes to, he finally explains why he married Laoghaire. The explanation is exactly as lame as I expected it to be. Basically, he was sad and lonesome. “I was a ghost,” he says. And then, during a Christmas party at Lallybroch, two young girls ask him to dance, and as he’s twirling about with the girls, he starts to feel something like joy. The girls are Laoghaire’s daughters, Marsali and Joan. One thing leads to another and he marries Laoghaire. It was a simpler time, I guess. Their marriage is kind of lousy but he has his stepdaughters and he gets to be a husband again, which is all he really wanted. Things don’t work out in the marriage bed because Laoghaire is scared of intimacy, probably because one of her previous husbands, of which there are two. “I couldn’t bear the thought of someone being afraid of my touch,” Jamie says, and that’s why he went to Edinburgh. Uh. Okay. Sure. As he’s talking, Claire realizes Jamie has a fever but fret not! She has some 20th-century penicillin.

Ned Gowan, the lawyer from Season 1, stops by Lallybroch. He informs the Frasers that Jamie’s marriage to Laoghaire is invalid because Jamie and Claire were married first. Take that, Laoghaire! Long story short, Laoghaire pitches a fit and wants alimony—twenty pounds and then ten pounds a year so she and her daughters can continue living in the style to which they have become accustomed. (Marital dissolution is the same in any century.) Claire, Jamie, Jenny, and Ian Sr. are trying to figure out how to pay such a vast sum but of course, there is a solution—the treasure Jamie found on Silkies Island. Of course! Young Ian will swim out to the island to fetch the small treasure chest and then he, Claire, and Jamie will go to France to sell the treasure for sterling and come back to Scotland with the money they need to get Laoghaire off their backs. The funniest part of this convolution is everyone acting like this is a. a reasonable plan and b. that it will work out fine.

Outlander Season 3 2017

PHOTO: Aimee Spinks

Now, at this point you might be thinking that for an episode of Outlander, this week’s goings-on mostly make sense. Don’t worry. There are still a few minutes left. As young Ian swims out to the island, Claire tells Jamie she’s not sure they should stay together anymore. She gets all emotional about how hard things have been since she came back to the 18th century. Blah, blah, blah. I honestly rolled my eyes. Like, could they not figure out what to have Claire and Jamie do while they waited for Ian to play fetch? This would have been a great moment for a sex scene, but no, the Frasers have to rehash their feelings for the umpteenth time. Jamie says pretty things again about how he and Claire are bonded for life. It’s a little predictable at this point. We’ve seen this scene about ten times over the past three episodes.

Before they can continue this dull conversation, a tall ship suddenly appears. Yes, the show introduces the bizarre curveball at the very end. Claire and Jamie start shouting to Ian who cannot hear them because he’s like a mile away. And it’s windy. Men from the tall ship row to the island and grab young Ian. Why? Who knows? Why are they even in the vicinity? Who knows? Come on. What are the chances? This is so improbable. I just cannot. What I can tell you is that the episode ends with young Ian being kidnapped and Claire and Jamie looking on from shore, helplessly, as the tall ship sails away. I’m pretty sure we’re not going to be in Scotland for much longer. In other words, there is no sex on the Outlander horizon. Je suis désolée.

Roxane Gay is the author of Bad Feminist, Difficult Women, and most recently, Hunger. She is also the author of World of Wakanda for Marvel and a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times.

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