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How to Get Confident and Approach That Sexy Stranger


Hi Emily,

I am a 23-year-old lesbian, and my dating pool seems more like a puddle. I’m shy, so walking up to a woman in a bar isn’t really my thing. Conversely, I’m very feminine and have been told that women can’t easily tell that I’m gay, making me unapproachable for women who are too scared to ask. Last but not least, I’ve noticed that I’m attracted to older women and find myself being intimidated by them because I’m not very sexually experienced.

Basically, I need suggestions on where to meet women and how to be more confident and put myself out there.

Please help!

Cassie, 23, Kentucky

Hi Cassie,

While it might seem like there are a lot of factors working against you when it comes to finding a girlfriend, know that you aren’t alone. The dating world—no matter what your sexual preference—can be scary for pretty much anyone. I do, however, have a few ways to conquer your fearfulness:

Get Out
If there are gay bars in your town, make a beeline for those rather than the traditional bar scene. Most of the women will be there to meet other women, and it’ll be safe for them to assume that’s what you’re there to do also.

Bring the Positive Vibes
Putting out an approachable vibe, even if you aren’t 100-percent feeling it yet—is the best way to show other women you’re single and ready to mingle. Smile and make eye contact from across the room, and be aware of your posture. Do you look closed off and uncomfortable? If so, relax! Non-verbal cues like this are an invitation that lets everyone know it’s totally cool to come talk to you.

Face Your Fears
Being shy is totally normal, but don’t let fear of rejection keep you from meeting someone potentially awesome. If you see a woman who strikes your fancy, take a deep breath and introduce yourself. Confidence is extremely attractive. Even if it doesn’t work out, the more you put yourself out there, the more confident you’ll become.

Swipe Right (Or Left)
Dating apps definitely have their pros and cons, but the best thing they have going for them is selection. And, because you’ll certainly be approached by potential partners on them, your shyness won’t stand in the way of an initial interaction. Once you connect, the apps also offer a great, low-pressure way to practice flirting with potential partners.

Schedule a Masturdate
Worrying about your lack of experience is totally normal. One of the easiest ways to overcome this is self-exploration. The more you know about your body and how you liked to be touched not only raises your sexual confidence in the bedroom, it can seriously make up for what little experience you may have with a partner. But I promise you, your partners are going to be way more accepting than you think.

While the dating scene is never an easy one, these tips can get you on your way to meeting Miss Right—or at least Miss Right Now.

XX,
Emily

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Sarah Jessica Parker Has a Pretty Pragmatic Approach to Shoe Shopping


“I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes!” In case you’re not up to date on your Sex and the City trivia, those words were famously uttered by Carrie Bradshaw (because, who else?) back in season 4 of the HBO series. Her small-screen alter ego may have debunked the Manolo Blahnik Mary Jane urban legend and taught us that good pair of heels can make life a little more fun, but Sarah Jessica Parker is a bit more practical when it comes to her own footwear shopping habits.

Parker, of course, is a shoe designer now herself. (She launched SJP by Sarah Jessica Parker with Manolo Blahnik U.S. President George Malkemus III back in 2014.) She opened her second boutique in Las Vegas, at the Bellagio Hotel, this month—and, surrounded by an array of stilettos, sparkles, and a smattering of LBD’s for good measure, Glamour caught up with the actress-cum-designer to get some insight into how to find Carrie-level footwear love. And though her advice is predictably sage, it’s not exactly what you’d expect from the person who brought to life television’s foremost shoe aficionado. (Spoiler alert: Bradshaw’s real-life counterpart doesn’t share her character’s voracious appetite for accumulation.) Below, SJP explains how to balk the trends, treat color as a neutral, and make every purchase count. Read on!

Glamour: When it comes to buying a pair of heels, what is non-negotiable for you?

SJP: Quality, relevance, how long will it last—I’m actually not the shopper that people think I am. I was probably much more profligate when I was younger, but I never was the sort of fevered shopper like Carrie Bradshaw. For the last ten years or more, I’ve really been making decisions based on, “Is that what I want to wear forever?” I tend to not have these quick one-night stands or affairs with fashion, because it never suits me anyway. I tend to shop, specifically with heels or shoes, for things that I think, “Yeah, this is a long-term relationship.”

Glamour: What exactly about a pair of shoes tells you it might be a long-term relationship?

SJP: I think a single sole is timeless—that’s why we were so invested in this idea of revisiting and recommitting it. The silhouette of the heel says a lot, because you can look at it and know, “Oh that was 1981, ’82, ’83,” or “That’s that court heel that Princess Diana wore”; the kitten heel we know from the ‘80s and the early ‘90s. It’s single sole, it’s silhouette, and it’s quality.

Courtesy of MGM Resorts International.

Glamour: Agreed! Speaking of trends vs. timeless, are there any pieces you’ve worn in the past that you hope make a comeback?

SJP: I’ve worn so much! I wish there would always be a really cute jumper available, like a dirndl. And I think every dress should have pockets.

Glamour: What is the most beloved accessory or clothing item you own?

SJP: My most beloved accessory is probably this [wedding] ring from my husband that I love.

Glamour: It’s beautiful! I know you don’t shop a ton, but for women coming into the new store, what are your dos and don’ts for shopping for a new pair of shoes or a little black dress?

SJP: I’m so bad at rules cause I feel like everybody’s so different. The message we want to convey is that color is a neutral, and that we want women to feel like themselves. We want this to be a place where they’re given permission to do the thing that they’ve been waiting for someone to tell them they can do—as I’ve said countless times, you’re just as capable wearing a pair of vibrant violet pumps as you are wearing black pumps. You’re just as authoritative, as much in control, and as intellectually challenging, interesting, and smart as you are in a pair of black pumps. Men wear all sorts of colored ties and nobody questions their appropriateness or whether they’re whimsical and silly or to be diminished; it’s just a way of saying, “This is what I wanted to do today. This is who I feel like today. This is the story I wanted to tell.” We want to tell women that [their choice of footwear] doesn’t speak for their most important inner life, but rather it tells a story—this is an opportunity to express themselves. I think the thing that’s most compelling about other people is when you don’t look like you’re trying to dress like your friend, colleague, neighbor, or anything else. That’s a very arresting and exciting and compelling quality to possess—not everybody has the courage to walk out the door feeling like themselves, but once they do, it’s thrilling to witness.

Courtesy of MGM Resorts International.

Glamour: So what are you thinking about when you’re designing?

SJP: There’s a lot that goes into the process because we of our retail partners: We’re looking at what sells and what doesn’t, what’s surprising and what’s disappointing, and what are areas we want to reinvest in, even if they don’t sell. But [designing], in many ways, is just about being creative and inspired. [Malkemus] and I do a lot of research: Whether it’s [looking back to] the 1800’s or [to] what people were wearing in Japan in 1981 or shoes I see on the subway or old images from an Italian magazine, there’s a whole host of things that are inspiring to us. We’re doing this three or four times a year. We’re looking at the new suedes, fabrications, fishnets, or glow material; [asking] what do we want to build, and what do we want to create, what prints do we want to work on? There’s a lot that goes into it, but it’s fantastic!

Glamour: Are there staples you think every woman should have in her closet, shoes, or dresses?

SJP: I think women should have what they determine to be a staple in their closet, [because] who’s to say that my staple is someone else’s staple? I’m this tall, and I live in this city, and I have to walk the kids to school, and I don’t tend to drive as much—my life requirements are radically different than yours or hers or his. Staples are: What do you need? And then, what do you want? Need comes first, typically; want gets taken care of occasionally.

Glamour: We will always love Carrie from Sex and the City. Have any her looks inspired your designs for SJP Collection?

SJP: I think the whimsy, and some of the things that are more decadent and indulgent are obviously inspired by her. Our little black dress is based on the title sequence [of the show]. Our Windsor and Mary [styles], which are the shoes with the buckle in front, are inspired by that famous blue [Manolo Blahnik] Hangisi—but the rest is a nod to an idea, not a specific [person].

Courtesy of MGM Resorts International.

Glamour: Do you have a favorite Carrie Bradshaw look of all time?

SJP: There’s too many! I don’t remember 80% of them. I’ve worn so many costumes. I don’t think as much about fashion and all that as everyone thinks!

Glamour: Carrie’s closet was filled with “going-out” heels, and obviously Las Vegas is a going-out town. Which shoe in here would you choose for a night out?

SJP: There’s not one shoe in here that I would say is “the shoe.” They’re all “the shoe”! It depends. Did you just break your foot and you can’t wear heels? Do you like color? Do you like ornamentation? Do you like sparkle? Do you like something that is simple? Right now, I’m wearing this, but I might wear that later—there’s not one. It’s all right for who are you.

Glamour: Is there such a thing as having too many shoes, or is that not possible?

SJP: Maybe for some, but not for others. Some people exist with two pairs of shoes, and that’s perfect and right for their lives… I don’t have a whole lot of shoes. I borrow a lot of shoes, which is a really wonderful thing I’m very grateful for. I think having things that you’re not wearing seems silly—I’m not sure that accumulation is as fulfilling as people expect it to be. Having something you really love and care about [though], or having a few things that you really love and care about, is pretty great.

Glamour: Maybe that’s the best tip to the shopper—really making sure you love what you’re buying.

SJP: Yeah—more often than not, those are hard-earned dollars for that customer, and you want them to wear it and enjoy it and really love it. It has a place in their life. One pair of shoes can go on a lot of adventures!

Disclosure: MGM Resorts International paid for the author’s travel and accommodations for the purpose of writing this story.

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