Like a lot of couples, my boyfriend and I tend to repeat the same fight every few months. In our case, I feel frustrated that he doesn’t agree with some of my deepest values, and he feels like I try to impose them on him. A few weeks ago—surprise, surprise—we had this fight again, but this time I was determined to do something to address it and hopefully make it better. Though I’m generally skeptical of couples’ apps that claim to bring you closer or solve your issues (mostly given that the majority of the ones I’ve tried are just annoying to use), I’d recently learned about the app We Did It, which guides couples through tasks that supposedly bring them closer. I figured anything was worth a try if it meant potentially saving our relationship.
When you download the app, it prompts you to rate how satisfied you are with different aspects of your relationship—housework, sex, communication—and then “build your dream week.” For the latter step, you choose which tasks you’d like to complete in the areas of your relationship that need the most work and how many times a week you’d like to do them. For example, if you rated your relationship low on communication, it’ll let you choose tasks like “talk about your dreams” or “discuss the needs of the relationship.” Then, it holds you and your partner accountable for doing these things with daily task reminders. Every time you complete one, you check it off on the app. Then, you rate your happiness in different areas again to determine what paid off, and the app has you pick more tasks based on that.
PHOTO: We Didi It
Peeter Lange, CEO of the app’s creator Olento Life Ltd., explained to me that We Did It uses artificial intelligence to determine what people need in their relationships and how they can get it. “The weekly relationship analysis makes people aware of the situation and progress, and the weekly actions bring the change that is needed,” he said. “There are two things that have led to improved couples’ relationships: The first is the exchanging of thoughts, and through this, improved observation of the state of one’s relationship; the second is an increased amount of attention to things that are important to each individual.”
It was surprising to see how each of us rated different aspects of our relationship. Even though he’s less inclined to talk about our shortcomings, it turned out he agreed with me on where we could use work. We had different ideas about how to go about it, though. I wanted “love letters” and “love notes” (I’m not sure what the difference is but, TBH, I just wanted a lot of nice emails), while he wanted runs, dinners out, and massages.
Of course, then you have to actually complete the tasks, and this was a bit harder than just setting up the app. My partner, for example, completed exactly zero of the tasks assigned to him (unless you count running together, which we do anyway). But while that would normally bother me, the app had put me in a game mindset, and I wanted to be the best player I could be, which often meant completing my tasks without expecting anything in return. I told him I loved him every day, gave him a massage, and took time out of an evening I would normally spend working to go to dinner with him. After seeing how happy he was around me when I did these things—and how happy I became as a result—I could feel myself becoming more content in the relationship as a whole. This increased when I later bought him ice cream on the way back from a girls’ night and got him a greeting card (though I’m still contemplating the perfect romantic message to fill it with).
There were other things the app told us to do that helped us feel closer. For example, we followed We Did It’s prompt to look into each other’s eyes once a day, starting with 30 seconds on the first day and eventually working up to several minutes. It felt weird, though not in a bad way. When we talked while also making direct eye contact, we found we paid more attention to each other. Jokes felt funnier, and “I love you”s felt more meaningful.
PHOTO: We Did It
Since completing this “dream week,” I’m surprised to find that I genuinely feel happier in my relationship. We’re smiling at each other, thanking each other, and saying “I love you” more often. I’ve been getting less worked up over little things because I realize that showing extra patience and appreciation pays off.
Did We Did It solve our problems? Of course not—every couple is different and no matter how much AI an app has, it can’t possibly troubleshoot every issue. The tasks We Did It prompted us to do were mostly surface-level improvements, with the exception of “Talk about the future” (though the app didn’t tell us how to approach this conversation and our attempts to do so often fizzled). Part of me even worries that by being extra nice to each other, as We Did It instructed, we’ve just postponed an inevitably longer, more difficult conversation.
But our We Did It experiment feels successful. Our “dream week” made us more conscious about how we treat each other, and treating each other well is the foundation of solving any other problems. Now it’s up to us to decide whether we want to take advantage of that foundation or continue distracting ourselves with massages and love notes.
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