This season of The Bachelorette is moving along quick, isn’t it? It feels like we just left the Box King, and now we’re already at the first group trip? Time flies when you’re having fun staring into Tyler C.’s eyes.
The guys find out they’re going to—drumroll, please—Newport, Rhode Island, and they react as if Chris Harrison gave them a million dollars each rather than a long weekend in our country’s smallest state. That’s no shade to Newport, a beautiful place to visit; I’ve just never seen a man, let alone 15, give a “you get a car!” scream about visiting a city rich in colonial history. Then again, maybe these bros are that ready to get away from the Bachelor mansion. I imagine that place stinks like a potent mixture of bad cologne, farts, and the lingering smell of Cam’s desperation.
Also, the first date isn’t even in Newport—it’s in Boston! The cities are close—about an hour and a half drive, according to Google Maps—but still. If we’re going to Newport, I want to see Newport, you know?
Jed, the one going on this Boston date with Hannah, doesn’t seem to mind. They shop at Quincy Market for souvenirs (my favorite is the tote bag that says “wicked pissah”) while Hannah makes up random facts about United States history. As someone who spends months putting together my own historical ghost tour every Halloween, I am horrified. Maybe Jed is too—I mean, he doesn’t laugh. At one point he says “righttttt” with the enthusiasm of a man told he has to use the shower after Luke P.
After a trip to Cheers and some extremely awkward Halo Top promotion—seriously, the camera lingered on that ice cream cart longer than Colton’s abs—Jed and Hannah go to the Auerbach Center to play basketball with a few Celtics players. One of them even sits down for a heart-to-heart with Hannah; his advice is sweet, though I wonder if he was thinking about all the other things he could be doing with his time. Taxes. Catching up with a friend. Watching Always Be My Maybe on Netflix.
At dinner, Jed admits he joined The Bachelorette as a platform for his music career. But now he’s falling for her and is totally, 100-percent focused on their relationship. At least he’s being honest, I guess? Hannah thinks so, at least. “You’re a really great guy,” she says, before giving him the rose.
The group date the next day is in Rhode Island, finally. Dylan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Connor, Garrett, Dustin, Devin, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, Luke S., and Luke P. are to play rugby, a sport we’re reminded at least 100 times is super brutal and bloody. “You get smashed, you stand up, and you smash somebody. That’s how you play rugby,” one of the pros tells the guys. Yeah, yeah, foreshadowing—we get it.
But really: Kevin has to leave fairly early in the game because he hurt his shoulder. Nobody else has to go to the hospital, but the guys all think Luke P. might send them there. He’s definitely the most—how do I say this?—invested in the game. He seems fairly harmless, though, until some sort of altercation happens between him and Luke S.. It’s not clear what goes down (it happens off camera), but Luke S. is shaken. “He’s an unstable guy,” he says ominously. Luke P. apologizes to him, but Luke S. just walks away.
At the cocktail party that night, Hannah takes Luke P. aside first. He says he body slammed Luke S. because he tried to swing at him first. She asks if he’s had issues with any of the other guys, and he says no. What’s more, he adds, Luke S. never talks about her in the house and only brags about his liquor brand.