You guys! It’s the end of Spring Break: The Show Bachelor in Paradise! Will we remember all of the amazing memories we made together, the good times and the bad? Are we gonna stay friends? Will you all come to my birthday party next month? It’s gonna be at the pool, and we’re gonna have pizza and a veggie platter for people who can’t digest gluten. There will be a lifeguard on duty, but if you can’t swim well please bring water wings because there’s no shallow end. This isn’t a party for babies.
Anyway, tonight’s episode shows the last night in Mexico and then a cast reunion featuring Corinne and DeMario. So let’s just get this over with.
Unlike Bachelor or Bachelorette, you can’t really “win” BiP, but if any couple does, it’s Derek and Taylor. Jack Stone asks Christen to leave “with him as a couple” and she stammers something about how they are “acquaintances” who have had “swirly” conversations (literally her word choice). Why Jack wants to get to know her better so badly is beyond me. It’s super awkward. (Also, did we ever establish if Christen is a virgin by choice or circumstance?) Ultimately, Christen walks into the ocean; Scallop Fingers returns to the sea from whence she came. Jack Stone unceremoniously goes home, his face a mask of dejection.
Jasmine and Jonathan amicably and mutually decide to part ways as friends. Adam sweetly asks Raven to go on a Fantasy Suite date, and she agrees—but honestly, she’s been looking absolutely miserable this whole episode.
Dean and D-Lo gamely continue to pretend like they’re both interested in a relationship even though they’re both clearly here just to have a good time. Until, to get out of committing to D-Lo, Dean pulls the most f-ckboy move of all time and pretends like he’s leaving her so that he can try and get Kristina back. LOL, this is utter nonsense. C’mon Dean.
Dean cries and says he hates himself for letting Kristina go and that Kristina deserves better than him. Understatement of the season. This is some teen drama-level bullshit. This is some One Tree Hill ass bullshit.
Diggy dumps Dominique for Jaimi, who just wants to be friends. Poor Diggy? Robby tries to tell Amanda how much he loves her, but she starts crying because of what happened last year (she got engaged and then dumped…or something?) and her voice becomes somehow even harder to understand. She has a real gift for sounding like what I imagine Tinker Bell’s speaking voice to be. They break up.
The three remaining couples that are staying: Taylor and Derek, Lacey and Daniel, Raven and Adam. Raven and Adam look sad AF.
On their date, Lacey tells Daniel that she’s falling in love with him. You can just tell that Lacey has watched like, a lot of romantic comedies and can’t really tell the good ones from the mediocre ones. Whenever she sees a picture of Natalie Portman, she probably turns to whoever’s around and says, “Do you think I look like her? People say I look like her.” (No one says that.) So now you know my Lacey theories. They decide to be in a relationship. Mazel tov!
Taylor, the scariest girl in your sorority, and Derek, the quietest guy on the soccer team, are falling in love, and Taylor is ready to “spiritually connect” through S-E-X. Bow chicka wow-wow.
Raven and Adam (who, full disclosure, I called “Matt” for this entire recap and then had to fix) are at a crossroads: Raven is scared of the vulnerability in the Fantasy Suite, but she knows it’s the next step. What to do!?
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Suddenly, we cut to two months later, with Chris Harrison hosting a reunion in that warehouse someplace in Area 51 where they have all the reunions. I, for one, am very glad to see Alexis and Danielle M. and to hear everyone boo-ing Dean. Then Chris brings out Corinne because there’s “more to tell” about the incident that shut production down. Look, I agree, but the person we haven’t heard from is the producer who filed the complaint that shut the show down. But in any case, here comes DeMario! the conversation is stilted but not as uncomfortable as it could be. They’re both in therapy, which seems like a smart move. Corinne is designing a fashion line. They hug, and it’s over. Well, OK then.
Christen and Jasmine have some spat over social media? Jasmine says she is “blown away and confused” by everything, a combination of emotions I imagine Jasmine feels a lot. And we get a final answer re: scallops: Christen does indeed like scallops.
Kristina again says she was “disrespected” by D-Lo. Finally, Dean is like “it’s my fault” and D-Lo is like “yes, it is Dean’s fault” and, Kristina, do you get this yet? When a guy is bad to you, it’s his fault, not the other girl’s fault. Chris Harrison refers to Dean/Kristina as “Kris-Dean-a” which I don’t think is as good as my couple nickname for them: Deantina. Then D-Lo is like, “You didn’t miss Kristina, you called me an hour after we left Paradise” and the audience is all “ooooooh.” Ooooooh.
“Are you still flipping-flopping us?” – Kristina
PHOTO: Paul Hebert
Now for a post-mortem on the couple no one cares about: Amanda and Robby. They got together after the show and dated, but he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he cheated (per a twin). Looking pleased as pudding to be back in front of a camera, Robby comes out to explain that “there’s more to a relationship than just hanging out.” Duh? He denies cheating. Amanda gives him the benefit of the doubt and everyone in the audience is like, “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm no.”
Finally, we’re gonna hear from the couples…
Lacey and Daniel: Daniel was lying to Lacey about falling in love with her. Daniel tries to deny it, but Chris Harrison has the video receipts! Daniel’s exact words were, “I could never change my Facebook status to ‘In A Relationship’ with Lacey.”
“You’ve done two of these shows and you’re 32 years old. What
do you think that means?” – Lacey to Daniel
Lacey tells a messy story about New York and Vancouver and someone named Vinny and girl, you need to break it all the way off.
Adam and Raven: They are still together. And surprise! Raven brings out her parents—who have never met Adam—and it’s hugs all around. Just goes to show, if you’re young and really hot and willing to spend weeks away from your job and loved ones working solely on your romantic life, you too can find love.
Taylor and Derek: Hey, Taylor, are you a rich girl I went to college with? Because you are engaged. Also, Taylor’s little black dress looks fantastic on her. Also, Derek looks great, too. Also, good for them!
And finally, in what is honestly my favorite moment from the season, we see that Stephanie Beatriz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine is in the audience!!!
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