“Instead of going down this maddening distraction spiral, the best thing to do is simply acknowledge that mental distraction is the price we pay for having brains,” Marin says. “If you notice your brain starting to wander, acknowledge that you’re thinking about something different, then gently bring your attention back to the present moment.” Just call it mindfulness for sex.

A lot of women struggle with feeling unworthy of time or attention when it comes to their sexual pleasure, says Marin. But sometimes, orgasms take work, especially when you’re first learning to orgasm or having your first orgasms with a partner. That is more than okay—there’s no time limit for your orgasm.

The more practice you have (with a partner or solo), the easier orgasms will come, says Marin. But in the meantime, focus more on reminding yourself that “you deserve that time and effort,” she says.

If you don’t orgasm during intercourse, don’t sweat it—that’s totally normal. Only about a quarter of women regularly orgasm during intercourse, according to Lloyd’s analysis, and when they do, it’s probably because their clitoris is being stimulated simultaneously.

But can you learn to orgasm from penetration? “The reality is that penetration itself doesn’t create enough stimulation for the vast majority of women to reach orgasm.” Marin says. “Female orgasm is all about the clitoris, but the clitoris doesn’t get a ton of stimulation during intercourse.”

That doesn’t mean it’s not possible. “I like to make the distinction between orgasming from intercourse and orgasming during intercourse,” Marin says. “To increase your chances of orgasming during intercourse, Marin recommends touching your clitoris, having your partner touch it, using toys, or trying a position like the Coital Alignment Technique that allows for clitoral stimulation.

Many women feel vaginal orgasms are somehow “better” than clitoral orgasms, or even as if a clitoral orgasm doesn’t really “count” as much. This isn’t a real distinction, says O’Reilly; whichever feels more natural and pleasurable for you is all that matters.

In fact, it’s hard to tell if there’s really a difference between the two types of orgasms. “Orgasms do not fit neatly into categories based on a particular technique or body part,” O’Reilly explains. “The clitoral complex is not only located in close proximity to the vaginal canal, but parts of it actually surround the vagina, making it difficult to isolate the exact source of pleasure and orgasm.”

If you do orgasm through penetration, those orgasms may or may not feel different from clitoral ones. It’s possible that they will because different nerves are being stimulated, says O’Reilly. But if you only orgasm clitorally, that doesn’t mean you’re experiencing less pleasure than someone who orgasms through penetration.

Nope, but a lot of women don’t discuss it. “We teach women to be ashamed and embarrassed of female orgasm, so a lot of women don’t feel comfortable being honest about their orgasmic struggles,” Marin says. “There are so many women out there who haven’t yet orgasmed.”

First, remember that you’re in good company. And second, remember that an orgasm drought likely won’t last forever.

Suzannah Weiss is a writer and editor covering sex and wellness. Follow her @suzannahweiss.

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