Trigger warning: This post contains information that may be triggering to people who’ve experienced suicidal thoughts.

In a new interview with People, supermodel Gisele Bündchen opens up about the mental health scare that changed the course of her life.

“Things can be looking perfect on the outside, but you have no idea what’s really going on,” Bündchen said, explaining why she decided to share her mental health issues in her upcoming book, Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life. “I felt like maybe it was time to share some of my vulnerabilities, and it made me realize, everything I’ve lived through, I would never change, because I think I am who I am because of those experiences.”

Bündchen said she experienced her first panic attack in 2003, during a bumpy flight, and subsequently developed a fear of enclosed spaces, like tunnels and elevators. “I had a wonderful position in my career, I was very close to my family, and I always considered myself a positive person, so I was really beating myself up. Like, ‘Why should I be feeling this?’ I felt like I wasn’t allowed to feel bad,” she said. “But I felt powerless. Your world becomes smaller and smaller, and you can’t breathe, which is the worst feeling I’ve ever had.”

Bündchen told People she started looking for any way to make her panic attacks stop. “I actually had the feeling of, ‘If I just jump off my balcony, this is going to end, and I never have to worry about this feeling of my world closing in,'” she said. She sought the help of a specialist, and was prescribed Xanax, which didn’t sit well with her. “The thought of being dependent on something felt, in my mind, even worse, because I was like, ‘What if I lose that [pill]? Then what? Am I going to die?’ The only thing I knew was, I needed help,” Bündchen said.

She continued to meet with doctors, and eventually decided to completely overhaul her lifestyle. She changed her diet and added yoga and meditation to her routine. “I had been smoking cigarettes, drinking a bottle of wine and three mocha Frappuccinos every day, and I gave up everything in one day,” the mom of two said. “I thought, if this stuff is in any way the cause of this pain in my life, it’s gotta go.” She also broke up with then boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio, explaining that she felt somewhat “alone” in her determination to change her life so dramatically—but there are no hard feelings between the former couple. “Everyone who crosses our path is a teacher, they come into our lives to show us something about ourselves,” she said. “And I think that’s what he was. What is good versus bad? I honor him for what he was.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255.

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