The Bachelor is officially back, my friends—with 30 women competing for Peter Weber’s heart. You know, Peter? The pilot? He had sex with Hannah Brown four times in a windmill? Did I mention he’s a pilot? This first episode certainly did…many times over. There were plane puns and drama aplenty in tonight’s premiere, so let’s just dive right in, shall we?
My first thought out of the gate with this Bachelor episode is that Peter Weber is way, way hotter now than he was in Hannah Brown’s season. Is it the facial hair? The tan? The montages of him flying planes over sunsets? Who’s to say? All I know is I’m more invested than I thought I’d be. Pilot Pete!
Peter says he fell in love with Hannah, which, duh (please see: windmill sex). But she broke his heart and picked that guitar player who turned out to be a total scammer. Time, family, and a large Instagram following seemed to cure Peter’s woes, though, and now he wants “a girl that you, without a doubt, can call your best friend.” How sweet. How tender. How rom-com. He says he’s in the “captain’s chair” now, which will no-doubt be the first of five million plane puns this season.
It’s night one. Peter has his tux on and says he didn’t know what he did to deserve this. (I’m asking myself the same question! Where’s Tyler C.?! Kidding.)
We first meet Alexa, 27, a caregiver who also waxes vaginas. It’s her side hustle. She says “waxing is a lot like love…you have to bare it all.” OK!
Next up: Hannah Ann. A tongue-twister of a name if there ever was one. She’s a “model” from Knoxville, Tennessee and has amazing hair. That’s all I think right now.
But we need to talk about Tammy, the 24-year-old fighter-slash-realtor from Syracuse. I can already tell she’s better than Peter. Let him fly you and your future husband first class around the world, girl.
We then pan to our first emotional story of the night: Victoria P, a 27-year-old nurse whose mother struggled with addiction. She cries a lot during her intro. We must protect Victoria P. at all costs.
And also Kelley, a 27-year-old attorney. She’s an absolute power boss—Shiv from Succession is shaking. Apparently, though, she already met Peter? At a hotel lobby in California? This will end in flames, I can already tell. It’s never good when you know the Bachelor beforehand. Either Peter will hate her or the other women will.
