Jennifer Lopez and Shakira delivered an unsurprisingly epic halftime show at this year’s Super Bowl. There was dancing. There was pyro. There were bops. It’s truly everything I hoped it would be (and this is something I’ve been wanting for a while now).

But there’s a certain subset of people out there who think Lopez and Shakira’s halftime performance was “inappropriate” and “too provocative”—an R-rated attack on family values. One columnist from a well-respected newspaper even wrote, “If the Super Bowl is going to be touted as family entertainment, or at least not marketed as adult entertainment, perhaps the NFL has an obligation to warn people with children that what they’re about to see may be upsetting to some viewers.”

Mind you, this is all over Shakira and Lopez’s “skimpy outfits” and “booty shaking,” which is just heterosexual speak for “costumes” and “choreography.” There was nothing inappropriate about what they did onstage—at least, nothing more or less inappropriate than what male halftime performers have done for years. The only difference is that we still exist in a culture that thrives on policing women’s bodies. A culture that says a woman baring her midriff is a threat to the American family but an aging rocker grabbing his crotch is just a Tuesday. That is the issue here—not Jennifer Lopez or Shakira, who delivered one of the best Super Bowl halftime performances in recent memory. (I mean, come on: It started with “She Wolf!” A forgotten gem of a song! That’s gay rights!)

If people are actually outraged by Lopez and Shakira’s set, then it’s only fair they call the moral police on these six (male) halftime heathens too:

His stomach was just so racy. It made me want to be racy too, ya know?

Nelly, whose crotch-grabbing antics are the sole reason I sneaked out of my house in middle school

It’s no one else’s fault but his.

These shirtless dudes from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who inspired me to bully all my friends

What? I wanted to be tough like them.

Pete Townshend from The Who and his pearl-clutching buttons

An undone shirt? Not in my perfect household. Get this harlot off my screen.

Put your shirt back on and apologize, mister. Grandparents are watching.

He might as well have told the nation’s high schoolers, “Drop out! Drop out! Drop out!”

Just atrocious. How am I expected to be a teacher, an uncle, and a role model when their torsos are exposed like this? Maybe get some actual talent and stop relying on your bodies, guys.

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