Allow us to state the obvious: orgasms are amazing. They’re empowering, good for your brain, and deliver the kind of deep satisfaction that can only be found following a flood of feel-good hormones—with or without a partner. It’s no wonder the internet is perpetually in search of the best vibrator. And according to the most enthusiastic Amazon review you’ll ever read, one woman may have found it.

Back in April, an anonymous review of a friendly-looking bright purple vibrator was posted on Amazon. At under $50, the Tracy’s Dog Clitoral Sucking Vibrator was a bargain with some big claims: “revolutionary” suction technology, multiple vibration patterns to please the most sensitive nerve endings, a “slightly phallic tip.” Still, reviewer Express7976 wasn’t prepared. “Having read everyone’s reviews, I had high expectations, but with the price being under 50 dollars, I wasn’t exactly going to be shocked if it was mediocre,” she wrote. “A few friends of mine bought it recently, and told me of its power. I was warned to take the day off, hydrate, and above all do some stretches. I thought they were being such drama queens.”

Two days after ordering, the little purple vibrator arrived. “Opening the very discreet box, instructions say 2.5 hour charge time. Not too bad, I plug this lil bad boy in. While the kids are at school waiting for it to charge, killing time reading some erotica my friend and fellow queenie recommended because I don’t have time to screw around waiting to get into ‘the mood,'” the reviewer wrote. “I have to get the kids in a few hours and I need to be ready to go when this thing is done charging. Tik tok b!tch, tik tok. Welcome to motherhood.”

Anticipation building, she checked the little pink charging light every 10 minutes “like a crackhead waiting for his dealer” to see if the best vibrator on Amazon really lived up to it’s reputation. “After only and hour and a half [of charging], solid pink light. Game on.”

Here’s what happened next:

“I played with the settings on my hand to test this fine machinery out. The vibration for the g spot part is quite strong, I was impressed with with that even before use,” the review continues. “Next was suction. So many levels it was interesting to see the different patterns and strength. There are 10 levels for clitoral and 10 patterns for g spot. I’ve never used a clit suction type stimulator, so I have nothing to compare it to, but looked forward to it nonetheless. Time to solo party.

I found placement for the clit a bit low for my body shape, it took me a few min to get everything where it needed to be. That was a bit time consuming and slightly frustrating. But as with any new toy, it’s trial and error. I started the clit one on low, which I barely even felt. Unbeknownst to me it wasn’t lined up 100 percent. So, me being me, I decide to go from zero to 60 in 3.5. I hit the suction button setting to level 5 or 6 and hit the g spot button as well. And made a minor adjustment on suction placement.

At least I think that’s what happened, Because I’m pretty sure I blacked out.

My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared.

I never came so fast and so hard in my life. I squirted, I have NEVER DONE THAT. (Luckily I put a towel down cause I hate wet spots)

I frantically tried to turn it off, but ended up hitting the buttons like a maniac, sending to even stronger suction and now variant pulses from the g spot vibrator. And came, again. Im pretty sure I levitated. It was an unending orgasm. This time, my soul left me, and god himself said: “Child, it is not your time, go back to the lil pink light.” (Mind you, I’m agnostic.) I’m brought back into my earthly body after managing to pull it off me throwing it across my bed, it falls to the floor, still buzzing happily away.

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