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Love Advice We Wish We Had Growing Up


I’ve always known if anything killed me, it would be boys. From the time I was a teenager into my thirties, I loved only the ones who were bad news. There was the abusive drunk I escaped by climbing out of a ­second-floor window in my underwear and hiding in the trash can below. The insanely cute drug addict who lived in a U-Haul and had another girlfriend on the side. By age 19 I was married to a high-profile, much older musician and was mother to a baby girl. Since then I’ve been divorced, been a cheater, been cheated on, gotten happily remarried, and raised a couple of great kids. Along the way, love and obsession have beaten my ass to a bloody pulp many times. Here’s what I’ve learned from my adventures—hopefully, my hard-earned insights will be helpful in some way. Let’s start with the basics…

Learn to love your own body. Long before we have sex with anyone, we need to be comfortable having sex with ourselves—yet so few of us are. One of the earliest messages women get is to never talk about their genitals or sexuality, especially when it comes to masturbation. But boys have a million words for the act and talk about it endlessly. There are far fewer words for female masturbation, and they’re pretty unappealing. Paddling the pink canoe? Flicking the bean? That’s not something I want to do to my vagina. So get intimate with yourself. If you don’t know you, you can’t expect anyone else to.

Know this: A one-night stand is not a bad thing. Although my story isn’t that unusual, the first time I had sex, there was no orgasm for me—just an agitated vagina, damp underwear, and the overwhelming question of why I’d ever want to do that again. Sex got more exciting in my twenties, when I discovered the joy of the one-night stand. Some of my favorite sexual experiences have been with people I never wanted to see again but whom I’m very pleased I spent the night with. We’re raised to believe love and sex are connected, but most people don’t have sex because they’re in love; they do it because it feels really good. Sex is the most personal choice we make, and it should be ours to make freely; just make sure you’re safe and don’t leave with more than you arrived with. I’ll also say, having been married to the same dude for 11 years, I think the benefits of sex in a long-term relationship far outweigh the one-night deal. But I had to find that out the fun way.

Pay attention to the warning signs. If a guy says, “I don’t want a girlfriend,” or “I’ve never been faithful,” he means it. Sure, you can seduce him, but don’t expect to change him. Please believe him when he tells you who he is.

Maintain boundaries. I don’t understand the outdated notion of “two becoming one.” If you think you’re only half a person, please figure your shit out before getting in a relationship. Likewise, if you’re in love with a half-formed person, get out fast. When you’ve worked as hard as I have to form your identity, the last thing you want is to blur where you end and someone else begins. Remember who you are, and stay true to that. Another thing on boundaries: Stay away from other people’s partners. There are enough people in the world; you deserve one of your own.

And take it one day at a time. My husband, Nick, recently said to me, “I can’t believe I’ve been touching your boobs for 15 years.” I laughed. I knew what he meant—that’s a long time. Is forever realistic? Who knows. In marriage you sacrifice the adrenaline rush of seeing someone new for the comfort of being with someone who knows everything about you and loves you anyway. Today I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but tomorrow might be a different story. And that’s OK—life is messy, and I’m down for the ride.

Amanda de Cadenet is the host of The Conversation and CEO and founder of Girlgaze. This is adapted from It’s Messy: On Boys, Boobs, and Badass Women.

PHOTO: Courtesy of publisher



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