No matter how often you use your vibrator, or on what setting, you aren’t going to permanently desensitize your genitals. That is a myth. What is more likely to happen is that you will find it easier over time to experience sexual pleasure.

Experiment with different parts of your body

The key to good sex, even with yourself, is savoring sensations rather than chasing the orgasm. Start slow. Set the scene. Make sure you will have privacy. Use the vibrator to stimulate various parts of the body and tune into the sensations.

The famous sexologists, Masters and Johnson, developed a simple, yet powerful exercise for couples called sensate focus to help them get out of their heads and into satisfying sexual experience by mutually exploring all body regions, not just genitals. Basically, it’s a set of instructions for one hell of a date night.

You don’t need to have a partner to do this kind of pleasurable exploring. I encourage clients to take a vibrator and literally to go from head to toe, applying vibration, or sensual touch, all over. Start with the scalp and work your way down, exploring under your arms, your upper and inner thighs, your lower belly, all the way down to the souls of your feet. Our “primary erogenous” zones—the genitals, lips, nipples—have tons of nerve endings which make them super sensitive, but we forget that our beautiful bodies come equipped with many other parts capable of giving us erotic delights. When you find out what works for you, you can create your own body “pleasure map” which can be shared with a partner to expand your erotic territory, exploring all areas of the body. Be adventurous—you never know where your own erogenous map may lie.

And don’t forget that the brain is the most powerful, sex organ of all. Here’s a great example from my lab: I published a study showing that using your mind to think about pleasurable genital stimulation (i.e. imagining being stimulated by a dildo) can powerfully activate pleasure places in the brain. Translation: When using a vibrator, focus on the sensations you are experiencing and ground them in your mind by staying present.

How to use a vibrator with a partner

If the idea of introducing your partner to your vibrator seems awkward, you’re certainly not alone. But take heart! Studies show that couples who communicate openly about their sex lives are generally happier than those who don’t.

Another recent study showed that women who use vibrators reported not only enhanced self-esteem but greater relationship satisfaction—providing that their partners were on board. A great way to do that is to include them in the selection of the vibrator and find a toy that’s fun for you both—there are vibrators specially designed for use with couples that can be worn during sex, or you can use your current vibrator to jump-start desire during foreplay, or apply your vibe to your clitoris during partnered sex.

The bottom line is that our willingness to take risks beyond our comfort zones to explore pleasure is key to creating ongoing sexual potential with our partners.

Nan Wise, Ph.D. is AASECT certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.

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