For most women, clitoral stimulation is the best way to achieve an orgasm—if your partner isn’t engaging your clitoris during intercourse, that may explain things. Kramer Bussel suggests using sex toys during sex, which “can offer various types of stimulation to different body parts.” You can also literally train your body to feel more pleasure during penetration. “Many women who self-pleasure do so by clitoral stimulation only,” says Yelverton, “but when women masturbate with a sex toy internally, it begins to train the body to orgasm that way.”

3. You aren’t comfortable with your body.

If you spend the better part of your day criticizing your body, it may be difficult to achieve orgasm. “Often times, women are concerned about what their bodies look like naked during sex distracting them from fully being present in the moment,” says Yelverton.

Yelverton recommends focusing less on your own body and more on where your body is connecting with your partner. It’s important to focus on what you’re feeling, instead of what you’re thinking about your body outside of the bedroom,” she says. “Try to appreciate your body and love the experience.“

If you need help in this department, she suggests experimenting with a blindfold—playing with sensory deprivation is a great way to stay present during sex.

4. You aren’t masturbating enough.

It might seem counterintuitive to masturbate in order to achieve orgasm with a partner, but if you don’t know what works for you, how will someone else? “Women who don’t regularly masturbate may not know their bodies well enough to communicate their needs of how to be touched to their partners,” says Yelverton. “The best thing is to really explore your body.” She suggests awakening those nerve endings multiple times a week.

Kramer Bussel agrees, and especially recommends sex toys for your solo experimenting. “Sex toys can go a long way, and can do things that we may not be able to on our own,” she says. Once you’ve mastered the art of self-pleasure, you can instruct your partner on what they should be doing to help bring you to orgasm during sex.

5. You’re too focused on achieving orgasm.

If you’re too focused on having an orgasm, it’s very possible to get in your own way. So, it’s important to remember that orgasms aren’t the only point of sex. “I don’t think orgasms are the be all and end all of sex for me,” Kramer Bussel says. “I like to have them but I would rather focus on feeling good than achieving a goal.”

That focus on feeling good is especially helpful when you consider how connecting with your partner, or with yourself, can be beneficial for your mental and physical health. Try experimenting with “non-sexual touch activities,” like giving each other massages, which can be beneficial to how you communicate your needs to your partner once you’re in bed, says Yelverton.

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