On I Love Dick, the boundary-pushing Amazon series, Kathryn Hahn plays Chris Kraus, a filmmaker consumed by her lust for a cowboy named Dick (Kevin Bacon). To indulge her desire, Chris writes a series of explicit letters, each of which begins the same way: “Dear Dick.” Hahn, 44, has made her career playing supporting characters (Bad Moms, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days), but as Chris, she is a one-woman sexual revolution. Here the Emmy-nominated actress (who also starred in Transparent) pens a love letter to herself.

Dear Kathryn,

One day you will become an adult. A sexual adult. A fearless performer. And an unabashed lover of your own body. But it won’t happen overnight.

You will grow up the only daughter in a family of beautiful and dysfunctional boys. You will attend an all-girls Catholic school and wear a little bride’s dress to marry Jesus at your First Communion. You will find your husband, Jesus, to be very attractive. In the third grade, when you and your friends are walking home from school, a grown man will flash you. You’ll all laugh as it’s happening, but then burst into hysterical tears. When you go to your friend’s house and play “marriage,” you’ll always play the husband. That way you get to be the one with the dick.

At 13 you will draw a picture of yourself in pencil in your diary. (You will keep a diary because you will have a need to put your thoughts down, to express your innermost everything.) You will point out all the physical negatives: your pointy boobs, zits, huge nose, stringy hair. So much of your shame will come from your physical self—and your relationships with other girls. You will have friends who betray you at every turn, and that betrayal will feel so real and deep and physical. When you get your period, one friend will be so jealous that she will convince you (and a bunch of other people) that you got it only because you fell on the bar of a boy’s bike.

In high school you will learn how to compartmentalize your sexuality, how to put a lid on it. Though you won’t actually touch anyone else until the summer after senior year, you’ll be a chronic masturbator. It will be a deep, weird secret that is also awesome and private and yours.

The first time you will feel sexy will be in college. You will wear a black leotard, a tartan kilt, Doc Martens boots, and a headband, and people will start looking at you differently. And you will admit to yourself: This doesn’t feel bad. Still, you will spend so much time feeling messy. You will spend so much time comparing yourself with others and trying to be articulate, knowing that you’re smarter than the words coming out of your mouth, that you are smarter than the guy you’re obsessed with. Before you meet your husband, you will be with someone incredibly powerful. He will be an asshole, and you won’t share the same politics. You will think to yourself, God, I can’t stand him. You will want his attention and validation—badly. You will think to yourself, I wish I could wear that f-cker’s power.

You will become an actor. In your work you will be much braver than you are in your day-to-day life. The mind-body connection will become clearer to you, and you will use it to get into the guts of each character. You will share scenes with people who are un­­inhibited. You will find joy in knowing that the people behind the camera are looking at you with such empathy and such faith. You will learn to love that feeling of jumping off a cliff into your bravest self. You will use your personal experiences to bring heat to your performances. And you will hunger for that outlet.

You will grow to be so grateful for—and so in love with—your body. Having children will help with that, because it will show you what you are capable of. You will thank your belly for growing them and your breasts for feeding them. You will want to find the girl who drew that picture in her diary and hug her so tightly. You will look back and be so mad you said yes to that bleach job for that gig, so glad you never got a nose job.

At 44, you will realize something astounding: Life just gets sexier and sexier. Your sexual self will become this enormous, loud thing that you no longer take for granted, no ­longer deny. You will refuse to put a lid on it. You will listen to it. My God, you will hear it roar.

Love,
Kathryn

Kathryn Hahn stars in I Love Dick and A Bad Moms Christmas, out in November.

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