It blew my mind how awful people could be just for a choice—having sex—that millions of people make every day. And that’s why I reached out to Hannah, both privately and publicly, when I saw she was also being shamed for it. When I was going through it, I pushed a lot of people away thinking they wouldn’t understand now or ever. In hindsight, I should have leaned into my fellow Bachelorettes.

Sex on the show is such a gray area. Until Hannah’s season, nobody really talked about it even though everybody knows it happens. Even when sex isn’t happening—like on Colton’s season—people make a big deal out of that. It was all about his virginity. Now it’s all about Hannah’s sexuality. It boggles my mind.

When people criticize me for having sex on the show, I always tell myself it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Some people have different beliefs and aren’t going to agree with everything you do. There’s nothing you can do to change their minds. All you can do is have your own voice and believe in your own beliefs. You can’t let people control your feelings, or you’ll live a pretty miserable life trying to change them. Women empowerment has come a long way, but it still has so far to go—the slut-shaming Hannah has experienced proves that. I think it’s important the show keeps up with the times by showing strong woman who have sex and talk about it openly.

Ironically, it was Nick Viall who really stood up for me while I was going through the worst of the slut-shaming. I’ll never forget that. He had my back, and I was grateful for his public support. I haven’t seen other Bachelors standing up to the shaming, and I’m not sure why that is. I’d like to see more men coming forward and having our back. Because it never seems to be the Bachelors getting backlash for this stuff—it’s just the women so far.

My message to any future Bachelorettes is this: Never do what you think America wants you to do. Just own who you are, because that’s the only way we’ll keep moving forward in this world. The only way you’re going to find somebody you can possibly work with is if you’re completely yourself. The hate will pass. Focus on the love and being true to who you are, and that’s how you’ll find the right person.

Now I get goosebumps when I hear people say, “Kaitlyn walked so Hannah could run.” That means so much to me. Some people have reached out and asked, “Do you hate that she’s getting so much support when you got so shamed?” The answer is no. I’m so glad to have been the first Bachelorette to make a change and really talk openly about sex. That’s not only given me what I have now, but it can give future Bachelorettes the voice they deserve.

It took me a long time, but I can finally look back on the show and be grateful for the experience. I have a voice and a platform now, and I plan to keep using it.

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