Movies make having orgasms seem so easy, like…oops! I just had one. Oops! There goes another one! But in reality, it’s rarely that simple—in fact, if you find yourself wondering exactly how to have an orgasm, feel no shame. For many women, having an orgasm requires a perfect storm of factors: concentration, trust, lubrication, some strange faces, maybe a vibrator, and more than a little luck. But there are plenty of things you can do to help push your pleasure over the edge.

We asked real women and sex educator Jenny Block, Ph.D, to share their best tips for having an orgasm.

Research has shown that it’s naturally easier for some women to orgasm than others thanks to factors completely out of your control like the distance between your vagina and your clitoris. You can’t suddenly alter your vaginal-clitoral ratio, but you can try different positions to increase the odds you’ll have an orgasm the next time you have sex. “For me, on my back with my legs over his shoulders is like opening the front door to my G-spot,” says Sarah, 30. “Instant orgasm.”

Heard this one before? It’s that important, but many women don’t always speak up. “If your partner is just few inches above or below where you really like to be touched or if things are too fast, too slow, or just not doing it for you, say something,” says Block. “If you find it hard to talk about, try saying things like, ‘I love it when you…’ or, ‘It would really turn me on if you’d…’ or even ‘Can I show you something?'”

For many women, foreplay is a key part of the quest to have an orgasm. “It takes me longer to orgasm with penis-in-vagina intercourse, so giving me a head start before the real action gets going increases the odds of me orgasming from penetration,” says Ana, 25.

Strengthening your pelvic floor can result in better sex. “I didn’t have a vaginal orgasm until I started doing barre and Pilates regularly and then: bam! It happens almost every time,” says L.B., 34. Squeezing the walls of your vagina up and in and holding for a count of five can help you build strength—trying this during sex can even help you orgasm.

The vast majority of women don’t orgasm from penetration alone—and that’s perfectly okay. Female orgasm is more about the clitoris, according to sex researchers, so when you’re wondering how the heck to have an orgasm, don’t forget to stimulate it. Pro favorite ways to do this include penis rings, which can add clitoral stimulation during intercourse, vibrators, or good old fashioned manual stimulation. “I get off from having an orgasm via clit stimulation first while having penetrative sex, and then continuing penetration in a different position,” says Ashley, 27. “Works every time.”

It might sound obvious, but lying there passively while your partner tries to make you orgasm isn’t exactly the best recipe for success. Something as simple as “lifting your pelvis to meet your partner’s hands, mouth, or a toy might be enough to up the orgasm ante,” says Block.

You should never feel rushed when it comes to getting your orgasm—your body needs what it needs, says Block. Feeling like you’re on a schedule can be a problem particularly in hetero relationships, she says, since typically “more time is spent on what works for male partners—penetration—as opposed to what female partners really want and need: clitoral stimulation.”

It’s perfectly OK to get loud. Moaning, talking dirty, whispering, shouting—whatever is your thing, do that, says Block. “When you’re wholly involved on all fronts, it’s much easier to have an orgasm,” says Block.

Ultimately, “there is nothing better you can do than to really get your head in the game,” says Block. “Forget about work, the laundry, what you’re going to wear to that party and focus on nothing but the sensations you’re experiencing.” Easier said than done yes, but it is possible.

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