Trigger warning: The following contains language describing eating-disorder behaviors.

My body has always felt open to public commentary. When I was 11, aggressive anorexia took hold of me, landing me in the hospital and halting my growth and development. In the decades since, the anorexia has come and gone in waves, and with it my body size has fluctuated somewhere between way too skinny and pretty normal—but I’ve always been small enough to invite an endless stream of public commentary.

These comments, though constant, never seem to get easier to process: a sloppily chosen adjective can make or break my week. Some comments have the power to send me into a spiral of self-destructive thoughts, like when someone describes me as “short” (a word that my distorted mind used to take as a synonym for fat). Others have the power to thrill me—or, rather, my anorexia. I’ve sought these out, remarking on how cold I am in the hopes someone would respond with “Well, you don’t have any meat on your bones!” I’ve suggested sharing clothing with average-size friends just to hear them vehemently reject the premise that we could fit in the same pants.

This is all to say that I’m accustomed to, even rely upon, people commenting on my body. I’ve worked hard to learn healthy ways to handle them. But now that I’m seven months pregnant, dealing with the constant comments about my body has become much more complicated.

It’s not news that pregnant women’s bodies invite a lot of unsolicited remarks. A meta-analysis of 17 studies exploring pregnancy and postpartum body image found that “women perceived their bodies as public property during pregnancy, with family, friends, and strangers touching their stomachs or making personal comments about their appearance.” In the book Gendering Women, the authors write that “almost every pregnant woman finds themselves subjected to ongoing commentary about their physical appearance.” But we don’t need stats or scholarly research to tell us this—it only takes observing pregnant women in the world around you to realize that this happens to pregnant women All. The. Time.

When you think about it, any comment about a pregnant woman’s changing body is pretty inappropriate; you wouldn’t place your hand on your friend’s stomach to remark that her obsession with the Great British Baking Show is showing, but that doesn’t stop many of us from doing it to pregnant women. It’s easy to see why people think it’s OK: because somehow this type of weight gain is “acceptable” while non-pregnancy pounds are not. Magazines and Instagram tell us that all women are thrilled by (and want to show off) their “bump.”

To be fair, pregnancy is straight up insane, and people often can’t curb their curiosity and amazement. I get that. But that doesn’t mean it’s OK to assume talking about a pregnant woman’s body is fair game. Unless she specifically wants to talk about it, assuming you can make her size and shape the subject of discussion violates her personal boundaries. You don’t know what emotions an innocent-sounding comment might elicit. For someone with a history of anorexia like mine, these comments are like triggers in a minefield, threatening to ignite disordered thoughts that might be laying dormant.

I, perhaps naively, didn’t fully appreciate this before I got pregnant. I assumed that since those close to me know my history with anorexia, there would be no potentially triggering comments. Man, was I wrong. Before I’d even started showing, a family member excitedly told me I definitely “looked pregnant.” Later a friend, feeling the sides of my belly, declared with fascination, “Oh wow, it goes all the way around!” Recently, the first words that greeted me upon entering another friend’s home were “You’re so big!” The examples go on, punctuated with unsolicited belly rubs that make me cringe at the thought of my expanding waistline.

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