ABC/Richard Carlson
If you like bad country music and watching girls cry real hard…then tonight’s Bachelor was the Bachelor for you.
Really, it was the Bachelor for everyone, a Bachelor for the ages, a Bachelor we will never forget.
Gonna be totally honest, we weren’t paying the closest of attention. We spent the first hour or so attempting our E! Bachelor Booty Camp workout, but we’re pretty sure it wasn’t really that interesting until near the end, when the first 2-on-1 of the season had us actually gasping in our legwarmers.
First off, remember last week when Kelsey fainted? It was not quite the medical emergency we imagined (or hoped for). She was joking within minutes about how she was sure to get a rose that night before asking for Chris to come visit her. Sure enough, she walked away from the rose ceremony with a rose, but we don’t fault Chris for this one. It would be pretty cruel to send a woman home right after she just told you about her dead husband and then fainted, regardless of whether or not any of that is real, which is our constant question. At the very least, you know that girl is great entertainment.
Unfortunately, Makenzie and Samantha did not get to walk away with roses. Makenzie’s 21, has a kid named Kale, and has zero physical chemistry with Chris, so her exit made sense. Samantha is a woman we’ve literally never seen before. Has she been here the whole time? Are we being Punk’d? We wouldn’t be surprised at this point.
Becca got a one-on-one. They rode horses. It was cute, but it was entirely uneventful.
MORE: Catch up on last week’s episode!
The evening’s group date, on the other hand, was a country bumpkin train wreck during which Kaitlyn, Whitney, Jade, Carly, Megan, and good ‘ol dirty Britt had to write and perform country songs for their lover boy with the help of some country singers we’ve never heard of called Big & Rich (forgive us, we’re pop fans). Fortunately, Chris got to go first, and he’s absolutely terrible, which means we can add one sure thing to the list of skills Chris does not have. Britt, Carly, and Megan managed some relatively sweet tunes that didn’t make us cringe (minus Carly awkwardly staring into Chris’ eyes as she sang), but Jade and Whitney struggled pretty hardcore. Kaitlyn, who is currently our favorite, wrote an amazingly crude country rap, and we would have given her the rose right there, but Chris had other ideas.
While the other women sat behind with literally nothing to do, Chris whisked Britt away to a Big & Rich concert, where Britt pretended to like country music while dancing and smooching with Chris. He gave her a rose, and we found ourselves siding with the girls who got left behind. Ruuuude.
Anyway, the best was yet to come. The two women left over for the dreaded 2-for-1 were our faves, Ashley I. (who probably graduated to just Ashley after the departure of Ashley S., who we still miss, but whatevs) and Kelsey. The date? A bed in a desert. Not a joke. It was just a bed, with a canopy, in the desert of South Dakota.
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ABC/Richard Carlson
Just to recap real quick, these two women hate each other, and from our perspective, they’ve both got good reason. Ashley is annoying and obsessed with her virginity and her eyelashes and a great many things, Kelsey is terrifying and terrifyingly obsessed with her “story.” They’re both here to win a competition where the only prize is 15 minutes of fame and a marriage to a very nice but very Iowan farmer.
Anyway, there aren’t really any typical date activities present here (what exactly where they supposed to do with just a bed in a desert other then the obvious?). Ashley doesn’t waste much time in telling Chris that she believes Kelsey is very fake and not here for the right reasons. Chris doesn’t waste any time telling Kelsey exactly what Ashley said, and Kelsey’s crying at the betrayal of “someone she could trust,” even though that’s a big fat chocolate-covered lie. “I would hate for you to let go of all the potential between us because of girl talk,” she says to the man who might as well have been a stalk of corn for all the chemistry she’s got with him.
Kelsey then confronts Ashley by sitting on the bed next to her and staring at her.
It might have been hours before she finally spoke, and her words were perfect.
“I know what you did…”
“LAST SUMMER!” we wanted to shout, but that would have ruined this very tense moment and it soon became clear that Kelsey was not just playing a fun “name that movie” game.
CLICK: See where Chris ranks among all the Best and Worst Bachelors
Chris was nowhere to be found while these two women hashed it out, sort of. Ashley explained that she was just as smart as Kelsey was, and possibly even smarter, because she got her masters from a better university, etc etc. Honestly, Ashley handled this with more grace than we thought she might, but she totally broke down in front of Chris.
He comforted her, but then pretty much eliminated her from the competition for a very good reason: this is not a gal who could handle life on a farm. Ashley cried and cried, but then also had a very good point, asking “Do you think Britt can handle your lifestyle?”
Back at the hotel, where the other girls were waiting with baited breath, there were two suitcases. One belonged to Ashley and one belonged to Kelsey. One poor PA had the task of coming in and taking away the suitcase of whatever girl was done with, and the girls nearly died when it was Ashley’s suitcase, and not Kelsey’s, that was wheeled away to some mysterious location. Drama at its finest, people.
CLICK: Which Bachelor and Bachelorette couples are actually still together?
Back on the desert bed, it’s time for Chris to have a chat with Kelsey. When he tells her he’s eliminated Ashley, she hides her obvious smile and immediately rushes to comfort him.
“It’s a loss,” she says sweetly. And it’s about to be another one.
Chris finally let Kelsey go, and we breathed a great big sigh of relief, obscured by just one tiny twinge of regret that we will not get another week of quotes like, “I am blessed with eloquence,” and “My story is amazing; it’s tragic, it’s inspiring, and it’s beautiful. I am immeasurably blessed.”
Then that blessed girl, along with the wannabe Kardashian, stood very far apart from each other in the desert while Chris flew away in a helicopter alone, and most likely quite relieved.
Back in the hotel, the PA returned to roll away Kelsey’s suitcase, and it was a celebration unlike any other. Cheers were heard, alcohol was poured, and all rejoiced at the glory that is now only having to compete against six other women for the heart of a sweet but confused farmer man with no talents yet to speak of.
Next week, Britt cries a lot, Jade was a Playboy model, and our hearts have never been happier.
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